Venting I saved one of my best friends from committing suicide, but I still want to die.

[rainhappy]

The day before yesterday, my best friend's toxic ex showed up unannounced, so she grabbed a scalpel and slit her throat. I managed to stop her before she killed herself. Her ex is finally out of her life, and my friend is so much happier and so grateful that I was able to save her in time… but despite all that, I still have the same urge to die. I care about her deeply, but that doesn't change my suicidal thoughts at all. I constantly feel like I'm doomed to suffer, and that no matter how much good I do for those around me, I'll never be able to stop wanting to die. I still have the date set, and I still intend to stick to it. And yet, I wonder what the world will be like afterward. How will my friend—who, without me, would have left for good—react to the news? I know it's selfish, but I don't tell anyone about it because if I even mention that I'm not doing well, people will watch me even more closely. The mere idea of dying excites me and overshadows everything else around me.