Venting Hope ripped from my hands

[mothtoflame321]

I'm still here, unfortunately.

A couple months ago, I posted a (rather retarded) plan I had on consuming the manchineel plant to ctb. After I failed to locate the plant, I came to my senses and decided that ligature strangulation was a more viable method.

I planned it for about 2 weeks. I took a shoelace from an old shoe. I left for school (I just turned 18) earlier than I normally do to decrease the chance of someone catching me. I hid behind a building about 3 hours before class started and attempted.

I choked for a few seconds, got scared, and gave up. It was my best shot - a relatively quick, non-painful method. But I must have done something wrong because it still hurt. I could try again, but I'm too scared. I had to walk around with the mark on my neck for the better part of the day. Luckily it faded before I got home, and I'm an absolute ghost at school so as long as I kept my head down nobody noticed.

Fast forward to now. I just got back my exam results. Big surprise to everyone, especially me and my mom - I passed. I passed every test I did. I was so worried and I actually made it anyway. I was euphoric for a good 4 days. I had accomplished something. I could get into college. And best of all, I proved to mom that I'm not retarded.

But since my mom is also a narcissistic bitch, she quickly went back to her old ways after exactly 4 days of peace. She went back to calling me a bitch, a retard, a waste of air, a failed abortion. She punched me in the face a few days ago because I didn't smile at her when she came home from work. She hasn't hit me in so long. I thought she finally stopped.

But I don't get it. I passed the exams. I did what you told me to do. Retards don't pass exams. I did what I was told to do and she still hates me.

Now I'm back to being stuck. I'm out of high school now. With luck I might be able to get into some kind of further education, but right now I'm stuck with her and her constant hurtful words and bad attitude and hitting. I can't leave because I have no house, no experience and no money. I'm still stuck.

I may try to ctb again, but I may need a better method than LS. I've said enough for now.

 

[Dissolving Figment]

Narc parents are the worst...
I wouldn't bother proving anything to her, you don't owe her shit seeing how she's treating you.

You aren't stuck though, all you need to leave is a bus ticket and a friend willing to let you couch surf or a shelter near you. (There's usually plenty if you're near a big city.)
Any entry level customer service job is also enough for a shitty apartment usually, but money might be tight unless you get a roommate. I guarantee the peace of mind is worth it.

 

[Dingusguy]

I am sorry to hear what you have gone through. Don't let the degrading words of your mother bring you down, I don't know you and you don't know me but I feel like you have the potential and ability to succeed.

I also happen to agree with what @Dissolving Figment said in their reply, you would likely do will with the peace of mind of an apartment, a simple entry level customer service should get you started.
I hope it works out for you, best of luck from me bud.

 

[endlesschatter]

I'm still here, unfortunately.

A couple months ago, I posted a (rather retarded) plan I had on consuming the manchineel plant to ctb. After I failed to locate the plant, I came to my senses and decided that ligature strangulation was a more viable method.

I planned it for about 2 weeks. I took a shoelace from an old shoe. I left for school (I just turned 18) earlier than I normally do to decrease the chance of someone catching me. I hid behind a building about 3 hours before class started and attempted.

I choked for a few seconds, got scared, and gave up. It was my best shot - a relatively quick, non-painful method. But I must have done something wrong because it still hurt. I could try again, but I'm too scared. I had to walk around with the mark on my neck for the better part of the day. Luckily it faded before I got home, and I'm an absolute ghost at school so as long as I kept my head down nobody noticed.

Fast forward to now. I just got back my exam results. Big surprise to everyone, especially me and my mom - I passed. I passed every test I did. I was so worried and I actually made it anyway. I was euphoric for a good 4 days. I had accomplished something. I could get into college. And best of all, I proved to mom that I'm not retarded.

But since my mom is also a narcissistic bitch, she quickly went back to her old ways after exactly 4 days of peace. She went back to calling me a bitch, a retard, a waste of air, a failed abortion. She punched me in the face a few days ago because I didn't smile at her when she came home from work. She hasn't hit me in so long. I thought she finally stopped.

But I don't get it. I passed the exams. I did what you told me to do. Retards don't pass exams. I did what I was told to do and she still hates me.

Now I'm back to being stuck. I'm out of high school now. With luck I might be able to get into some kind of further education, but right now I'm stuck with her and her constant hurtful words and bad attitude and hitting. I can't leave because I have no house, no experience and no money. I'm still stuck.

I may try to ctb again, but I may need a better method than LS. I've said enough for now.

That's really pathetic. Why did she give you birth if she had to torture you like that even when you proved your worth.. You passed that exam.
Is there a way to live away from her?

Narc parents are the worst...
I wouldn't bother proving anything to her, you don't owe her shit seeing how she's treating you.

You aren't stuck though, all you need to leave is a bus ticket and a friend willing to let you couch surf or a shelter near you. (There's usually plenty if you're near a big city.)
Any entry level customer service job is also enough for a shitty apartment usually, but money might be tight unless you get a roommate. I guarantee the peace of mind is worth it.

Excellent idea

 

[mothtoflame321]

Narc parents are the worst...
I wouldn't bother proving anything to her, you don't owe her shit seeing how she's treating you.

You aren't stuck though, all you need to leave is a bus ticket and a friend willing to let you couch surf or a shelter near you. (There's usually plenty if you're near a big city.)
Any entry level customer service job is also enough for a shitty apartment usually, but money might be tight unless you get a roommate. I guarantee the peace of mind is worth it.

I've already considered trying to leave. The thing is, we don't live in America, or any 1st world country for that matter. And I live in a stupid hillbilly town so far up in the mountains it doesn't even show up on maps.

My grandmother is an option if things with my mom get too bad. The thing is, I recently found out that her kindness to me may just be completely faked. I heard that the last time I stayed with her for a few days, she used it as an excuse to get money from one of her daughters to buy shoes or something. Also, her house isn't exactly the cleanest either, and I'm an absolute germophobe. But if things get desperate I can't afford to be picky. I just can't help but feel like I'm alone in the world because I don't have any actual connections.

I'm also considering trying to get into a homeless shelter in the nearby town, but I unfortunately still have too much pride to pack up everything and drop into a shelter. Not to mention the dangers. I'm saving that for a worst case scenario.

My ultimate goal is to get into college and move to a better country, like Canada or something. But even then there's the lack of money, housing and opportunities. Plus I'd feel like some kind of alien just shoving myself into someone else's country. The anti-immigrant rhetoric that's been going around recently is doing GREAT for my self worth lol.