Even when life is an ok state, I get really impulsive and try to OD, most of the time it doesn't work because I don't take enough. I've had a few instances where it almost worked with some Wellbutrin, but I'm scared that I'll get it again and it'll work this time. My suicidal thoughts got bad again whenever I started to hallucinate again, I hallucinated a black and white face the other day and it scared me half to death. Thankfully I knew it wasn't real, but that scared the ever loving shit out of me. I mean I want help, but I can't get help, I have a cat to take care of and it's really the only thing keeping me here, same goes with my childhood dog, but my childhood dog is getting old and I fear once she goes the cat won't be enough to keep me here anymore. I love that dog more than anything. On top of that, if I go get help again my sister said she would take my cat away. Like I'm sorry for being mentally ill, but I want my cat, but I also know that she would genuinely take him away. And the worst part about it all, is that I would probably feel a bit better if she were to just hang out with me and actually reply to my texts. I would understand if she didn't wanna talk to me anymore, we've both been through some shit, but she always hangs out with her friends rather than me, even when she says she's busy, I'll look at her instagram story and she'll be with here friends 
like hello, how do you think that makes me feel that she hangs out with her friends almost everyday, and yet I'm the one who's an inconvenience. (Sorry, run on sentence, couldn't find a good place to end that sentence) And on top of that she never even answers my calls. She just ignores it and texts me "hello?" And barely talks to me and when she does answer. Then I reply to that, and she doesn't reply to my texts for days on fucking end. She'd rather drink her life away, and I know thats a struggle too and I feel bad for her but she puts no effort into the relationship, but she puts all this effort into her friendships and I just don't get it. She says "I wanna be there for you but I'm too busy" she literally works from home and all she posts about is going on trips and hanging out and drinking and smoking with friends. Like, just tell me you don't want me in your life anymore, and I'd at least feel better by her being honest. I feel so unimportant by her, like she doesn't care. I usually talk to my grandma as well to make feel better, but lately she's been distant because she's getting old and I might call her too much, but tbf she never answers my calls and all I want is for someone to talk to me. But I'm always the one calling them, they never call me. And my dad has been annoyed with me too calling him all the time, but I literally have no one to talk to most days, and im so so so lonely being all alone and stuck in my apartment most days because I have no money to do anything to occupy my mind. I can barely afford to live being on disability. Everyone says, mainly my crisis team, to just get out and enjoy life! But! I! Can't! I can't afford too!!!! I can see one of my friends maybe once a month, and that I look forward too, but every other day is a struggle when I can't get out of my apartment. And I just hate this cycle of doing ok one day, and then remembering that my life actually kind of sucks and it feels like no one is there for me. I'm there for everybody else, but no one cares to check up on me and they say to just get over it. I wish it were that easy.
I just need a way out of this misery
like hello, how do you think that makes me feel that she hangs out with her friends almost everyday, and yet I'm the one who's an inconvenience. (Sorry, run on sentence, couldn't find a good place to end that sentence) And on top of that she never even answers my calls. She just ignores it and texts me "hello?" And barely talks to me and when she does answer. Then I reply to that, and she doesn't reply to my texts for days on fucking end. She'd rather drink her life away, and I know thats a struggle too and I feel bad for her but she puts no effort into the relationship, but she puts all this effort into her friendships and I just don't get it. She says "I wanna be there for you but I'm too busy" she literally works from home and all she posts about is going on trips and hanging out and drinking and smoking with friends. Like, just tell me you don't want me in your life anymore, and I'd at least feel better by her being honest. I feel so unimportant by her, like she doesn't care. I usually talk to my grandma as well to make feel better, but lately she's been distant because she's getting old and I might call her too much, but tbf she never answers my calls and all I want is for someone to talk to me. But I'm always the one calling them, they never call me. And my dad has been annoyed with me too calling him all the time, but I literally have no one to talk to most days, and im so so so lonely being all alone and stuck in my apartment most days because I have no money to do anything to occupy my mind. I can barely afford to live being on disability. Everyone says, mainly my crisis team, to just get out and enjoy life! But! I! Can't! I can't afford too!!!! I can see one of my friends maybe once a month, and that I look forward too, but every other day is a struggle when I can't get out of my apartment. And I just hate this cycle of doing ok one day, and then remembering that my life actually kind of sucks and it feels like no one is there for me. I'm there for everybody else, but no one cares to check up on me and they say to just get over it. I wish it were that easy.I just need a way out of this misery
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