Help My girlfriend is sucking the life out of me

[Menschenmühle]

She has an extreme case of self-contempt. She never accepts any compliment I give her as she believes that I'm lying or that I just want to make her feel better. But I wish I ever made her feel better, she's incredibly gloomy, she has a defeatist attiude towards life, yet she's so arrogant as to believe that her hatred for herself and for the world is somehow based on objective standards, on some sort of "biological reality" or whatever other bullshit she espouses to justify her own insecurities and hopelessness.

People believe what they want to believe, I don't condemn them for being this way, but what I hate is when they take their perspective, tainted by the various feelings that they have, and project it into the world, start taking it as some general rule, as a fact of life when it is so far from being so. This thought process inevitably makes them immune to help, as now they have all the pathetic justifications they need to keep on hating themselves, to keep somehow punishing the world because it's "evil" and "vain".

I try to help her in the best of my ability, but I'm growing impatient, she sometimes insults me for even doing this. She says that I suck at consoling others, that she doesn't want consolations to begin with. I love her but she's keeping me down, too much pessimism and gloominess wears people down, this is quite obvious. However I don't wish to let go of her, I want to remain tenacious to my love. Besides, she helped me before in life, and it would seem ungrateful on my part if I were to abandon her because of her shortcomings. But how the fuck am I supposed to help her?

 

[Life_and_Death]

depends exactly on the cause/situation. sometimes all you can do/the best thing you can do, is just wait by their side and prove them wrong. sometimes the problem is that people lie or can even innocently change their minds. you can promise youll be there forever, but until 'forever' gets here, they have no way of knowing.

i could be wrong but i dont think shes projecting it onto the world, i think shes projecting it back at herself, like holding a mirror in front of her instead of being in your shoes. shes stuck inside her mind behind pain and fear. "no you must hate me, this is what i was taught in whatever way, it must be true." it takes a lot of time and repetition and patience to undo that. my bf took years to get through to me.. only recently, after looking back at everything...i didnt have to question if he was going to leave anymore...he stayed and slowly proved me wrong.

maybe a compromise? "ok you dont believe me, and thats fine. its completely acceptable and understandable for you to have your own beliefs, but i can have my own opinion as well, and my opinion is that *youre an amazing person*" (or whatever you want to fill it in with, its just a suggestion/template). a human being (and everything for that matter) is like art, one person might not understand it, but it might inspire another person. maybe she doesnt "understand herself" but she "inspires you"

thats how i working on getting over things with my bf. ok, i can accept your opinion but i can still have mine.

 

[cryone]

if she lives w/ such an ideology, i dont understand why'd she even date some1. i mean, it js seems rly selfish. sometimes it's impossible to help people who remain firm to their misguided beliefs. if you want to stay for love that's respectable, but don't stay b/c you'd feel guilty or ungrateful for leaving. still, i understand why you'd want to help. this might seem counterproductive, but it might be valuable to discuss the impacts of her pessimism on you. this can encourage understanding, bounds, n communication.

 

[*Hope*]

Judging by the title of the thread, you seem to be having the time of your life

 

[helicoptero]

I understand you feel "in debt" since she helped you, but did you ever disrespect her? You said she insulted you and said mean things to you.

I don't know, it sounds toxic to me and I think she could drag you down with her if things keep going this way.

 

[Ambivalent1]

 

[Linda]

Perhaps you should find a different girl. If a relationship isn't working, the best option is usually to cut your losses and get out.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i love how pain is automatically toxicity maybe people wouldn't be "toxic" if they weren't hurt in the first place and then continued to be put down. Thats a good way to ensure the "toxicity" continues

 

[Sulyya]

If you do love and trust each other I wonder if you can speak to her in ways that place the two of you as a team. So instead of her vs the world in her mind, it's 'us vs the world'.

Possibly couples therapy but idk, the wrong person could just make it more adversarial.

But of course I'm forever single so half a grain of salt at best..

 

[evannave]

If you've tried everything you can, and this is physically and mentally draining you to sustain the relationship. Leave her.