No-name
Member
- Mar 16, 2026
- 41
Today I went out with a woman to the dunes and the beach. She is absolutely stunning, but also handicapped like me. I love her for her insights, for instance the music I like she likes and places I think are special she gets it because she is sensitive like me. We are both dreamy. She THINKS I am very smart. She isn't because of cognitive damage, but she is very honorable, extremely strong mentally and wise.
We went for diner. We smoked. And talked. Because of my BDD and she being very pretty, model type. I am always on the insecure end. The first time we saw each other she said we are both in love but I am more so. This gave her the wheel from the start. She wanted to pay for most things equally, even though she doesn't have a lot of money. Maybe her way to not feel guilty or owning me something.
She was in love with me a year ago and now not so much. We walked and she is more silent than before because meds. I have add and some kind of BDD insecure and very easily tired. So I was on Ritalin.
She is sensitive for psychoses and because her medicine she isn't capable to fall in love as easily as before. Having less dopamine and being in love could make her unstable.
She had set her boundaries and respect them completely and made no advances. And she wanted to pay for things herself. Then she came with the idea of going to Sicily together. Being mixed with feeling as she is, I think she means as two friends who are both lonely. I told her we should try something close by first because of her vulnerability. Like centre-parcs. She said yes and later she would think about it. Because relationships and even friendships are very tiring for her. Only distant would work, I think I am the same. I only had one real relationship for like six months a she has neither, more adventures but she cant keep them going.
We both walked to the beach but where sometimes silent. She felt a bit guilty and said she is boring, especially since medication and being stable. Told her many times she is not. Also she is not into sex this moment and I respect that. She set her boundaries.
Driving her home we where both very tired. Then she put her arm over my arm. And I kissed her hand and she seemed to like it and kept her arm til I put it back. Then there was some music and she played her culture and silence.
I was dead tired and so was she. She went to go of to bed. The last thing she said was take care of yourself and she would think of something to do or go with me to centre-parcs.
I am getting mixed signals. But want to be friends or lover anyway. I ll let her decide. Maybe she felt the unrest of being friends or lovers. This drags energy because a part of me wants more but I would accept her as a friend.
Few days ago was very nice she texted me worrying about me, this actually helped me bounce back up.
At the end I am not sure if the hand kissing was to comfort me or she felt like it herself. Or both.
Looking back for me it was very nice, but at the time of meeting up it was also tense and relaxed and a bit harsh because I couldn't expres my love and had to be a gentleman. Noticing she wasn't in love as before. I hope the surroundings made up all the flaws, because it was a beautiful peace of nature.
I looked alright starting the day but now like having been driving for 10 hours. My eyes and expression just blank. And had to relax a bit at home just to feel human again.
She always respects me for how I am and I do the same. Where most women would reject me because I am not expressive or vulnerable in a way, she likes the calm and is calm herself. She treats me with respect. She tells me all her feelings.
I let the next contact up to her for at least this month. Next month I will call her about the centre-parcs idea. It would be a house with two bedrooms. Crazy as it seems she is one of the reasons I want to go on living.
Also the friends I argued with texted me today. And said sorry for not replying me at the day we would meet up and where shocked by the things I said. I told them I like to be treated with respect otherwise a friendship doesn't work for me. This is a pattern with this friend for years, we had many argument already about expectations. They would try in the future and I said sorry for the things I said and would try in a month or so. Also they know I was at the bottom for more then a month, I normally wont express this. But I want them to know if ever that my suicide wasn't something I did in a flash or I am someone that easily gives up. They always think I am the toughest person because I have been through so much.
Next month work starts. With the low energy I have these years I am still worried I am able to keep up. november I am seeing a neuro-psychologist. Its either trauma, bdd tiring me, add or some kind of autism. Or maybe a mix. I wish they could do a brain scan and put a hologram up and get to the full truth in detail, and then maybe a reset. With my brother and father being schizophrenic and bipolar (now both euthanasised, bless them) I am probably genetically vulnerable. But lucky never have been manic or psychotic, after 39 that is positive. There could still be a dopamine imbalance or something that hasn't been clearly labelled.
I am no longer suicidal though since a few days for the first time in two months.
Not sure I am getting old either. Depends on how stuck and loved I get. It feels good to call myself handicapped, because that lowers my own expectations. A bit of acceptance maybe. (excuse my terrible English)
We went for diner. We smoked. And talked. Because of my BDD and she being very pretty, model type. I am always on the insecure end. The first time we saw each other she said we are both in love but I am more so. This gave her the wheel from the start. She wanted to pay for most things equally, even though she doesn't have a lot of money. Maybe her way to not feel guilty or owning me something.
She was in love with me a year ago and now not so much. We walked and she is more silent than before because meds. I have add and some kind of BDD insecure and very easily tired. So I was on Ritalin.
She is sensitive for psychoses and because her medicine she isn't capable to fall in love as easily as before. Having less dopamine and being in love could make her unstable.
She had set her boundaries and respect them completely and made no advances. And she wanted to pay for things herself. Then she came with the idea of going to Sicily together. Being mixed with feeling as she is, I think she means as two friends who are both lonely. I told her we should try something close by first because of her vulnerability. Like centre-parcs. She said yes and later she would think about it. Because relationships and even friendships are very tiring for her. Only distant would work, I think I am the same. I only had one real relationship for like six months a she has neither, more adventures but she cant keep them going.
We both walked to the beach but where sometimes silent. She felt a bit guilty and said she is boring, especially since medication and being stable. Told her many times she is not. Also she is not into sex this moment and I respect that. She set her boundaries.
Driving her home we where both very tired. Then she put her arm over my arm. And I kissed her hand and she seemed to like it and kept her arm til I put it back. Then there was some music and she played her culture and silence.
I was dead tired and so was she. She went to go of to bed. The last thing she said was take care of yourself and she would think of something to do or go with me to centre-parcs.
I am getting mixed signals. But want to be friends or lover anyway. I ll let her decide. Maybe she felt the unrest of being friends or lovers. This drags energy because a part of me wants more but I would accept her as a friend.
Few days ago was very nice she texted me worrying about me, this actually helped me bounce back up.
At the end I am not sure if the hand kissing was to comfort me or she felt like it herself. Or both.
Looking back for me it was very nice, but at the time of meeting up it was also tense and relaxed and a bit harsh because I couldn't expres my love and had to be a gentleman. Noticing she wasn't in love as before. I hope the surroundings made up all the flaws, because it was a beautiful peace of nature.
I looked alright starting the day but now like having been driving for 10 hours. My eyes and expression just blank. And had to relax a bit at home just to feel human again.
She always respects me for how I am and I do the same. Where most women would reject me because I am not expressive or vulnerable in a way, she likes the calm and is calm herself. She treats me with respect. She tells me all her feelings.
I let the next contact up to her for at least this month. Next month I will call her about the centre-parcs idea. It would be a house with two bedrooms. Crazy as it seems she is one of the reasons I want to go on living.
Also the friends I argued with texted me today. And said sorry for not replying me at the day we would meet up and where shocked by the things I said. I told them I like to be treated with respect otherwise a friendship doesn't work for me. This is a pattern with this friend for years, we had many argument already about expectations. They would try in the future and I said sorry for the things I said and would try in a month or so. Also they know I was at the bottom for more then a month, I normally wont express this. But I want them to know if ever that my suicide wasn't something I did in a flash or I am someone that easily gives up. They always think I am the toughest person because I have been through so much.
Next month work starts. With the low energy I have these years I am still worried I am able to keep up. november I am seeing a neuro-psychologist. Its either trauma, bdd tiring me, add or some kind of autism. Or maybe a mix. I wish they could do a brain scan and put a hologram up and get to the full truth in detail, and then maybe a reset. With my brother and father being schizophrenic and bipolar (now both euthanasised, bless them) I am probably genetically vulnerable. But lucky never have been manic or psychotic, after 39 that is positive. There could still be a dopamine imbalance or something that hasn't been clearly labelled.
I am no longer suicidal though since a few days for the first time in two months.
Not sure I am getting old either. Depends on how stuck and loved I get. It feels good to call myself handicapped, because that lowers my own expectations. A bit of acceptance maybe. (excuse my terrible English)
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