Vent

[sulkygirl]

I told them I'm better. I'm better right? Really I'm fine I think.
I haven't blocked him. Although I haven't talked to him either. He's 27 and I'm not old enough to even drink. I think he fancies me. "My purpose in life is building up my community. What about you? To be a housewife for someone." What a fucking bitch. Although at least it'd give me an excuse to give up working. I have no motivation for anything anymore.
I'm so fucking behind in school. Like so fucking behind. It's too late to put in the work and catch up. I'm just a failure now.
I wonder when she's coming back. My ex. I'm so scared of it. I know she will eventually. Sometimes the only thing keeping me alive is the fact I know she's watching and that if I die she'll die. A suicide pact I did not willingly accept. But I can't do it until I know for certain she's forgotten me. A year wasn't enough last time. She was posting all about me all year. "I can't stop thinking about her when I see that emoji" or "she's writing a book now apparently." I mean I only saw when she got back and gave me her socials and stupidly searched my name but... Urgh... So maybe two years. Or three. That feels forever away though. And I still don't know if it'll be enough.
She said she'd violate me at some point a couple months ago. That it would be "fun". I think she was joking but when I laughed nervously and said "woah what a normal conversation with my ex" she shrugged and said "normal enough". I would never say it to her but I kinda wish she would. Not that I'd ever want to fuck her but... It'd make me finally feel loved, no, cared about by her for once. Even if it's the way you care about an object.
I need to tell someone this shit but I idk...

 

[sulkygirl]

I'm feeling better now... A little.. It ebbs and flows

 

[NZkiwi]

glad youre feeling better.
hope you can keep us updated if things change
wish you all the best

 

[blue-moon-miki]

I told them I'm better. I'm better right? Really I'm fine I think.
I haven't blocked him. Although I haven't talked to him either. He's 27 and I'm not old enough to even drink. I think he fancies me. "My purpose in life is building up my community. What about you? To be a housewife for someone." What a fucking bitch. Although at least it'd give me an excuse to give up working. I have no motivation for anything anymore.
I'm so fucking behind in school. Like so fucking behind. It's too late to put in the work and catch up. I'm just a failure now.
I wonder when she's coming back. My ex. I'm so scared of it. I know she will eventually. Sometimes the only thing keeping me alive is the fact I know she's watching and that if I die she'll die. A suicide pact I did not willingly accept. But I can't do it until I know for certain she's forgotten me. A year wasn't enough last time. She was posting all about me all year. "I can't stop thinking about her when I see that emoji" or "she's writing a book now apparently." I mean I only saw when she got back and gave me her socials and stupidly searched my name but... Urgh... So maybe two years. Or three. That feels forever away though. And I still don't know if it'll be enough.
She said she'd violate me at some point a couple months ago. That it would be "fun". I think she was joking but when I laughed nervously and said "woah what a normal conversation with my ex" she shrugged and said "normal enough". I would never say it to her but I kinda wish she would. Not that I'd ever want to fuck her but... It'd make me finally feel loved, no, cared about by her for once. Even if it's the way you care about an object.
I need to tell someone this shit but I idk...

you're not a failure... you deserve so much more than both that creep and your weirdo ex. but i understand this, a lot. it's ok to have these feelings. for what it's worth, you mean a lot to me. don't do anything stupid

 

[sulkygirl]

Okay so she's still alive. I was scared because she disappeared from her socials and discord and stopped venting on my inactive fandom message wall but she's still alive. I just found her venting on someone else's inactive message walls. I'm certainly very relieved. But also I don't know what to do. She does still seem suicidal. I feel like I should contact the authorities but 1) that'd prolly worsen her mental state and 2) worsen our already rocky relationship.

I still have no idea why she left in the first place. It was all fine and dandy and then suddenly she's gone. I'm guessing it's her declining mental state. I wish I could help but that'd be crossing a line I've already crossed too many times. I'll respect the fact she wants to be alone.

I'm mad though and I don't even know if I have a right to be. Am I selfish for wishing she'd stay? But she keeps hurting me to hurt herself more. She "doesn't deserve friends" my ass. But at a certain point I gotta admit I can't be responsible for her forever. If we aren't talking and I die I'm not responsible for what happens to her. When she comes crawling back I do not have to let her back into my life and pretend nothing happened.

It's just a pain, y'know? I'd already forgotten her by the time she came back last time. I'd already moved on. And I thought I was past all that. But now I'm back to square one. Why do I even care about someone who hurts me so much? Fuck my life...

Despite being my ex, I should add that I don't have feelings for her. We've been friends after breaking up for years and only dated a couple months. Calling her my ex is a stretch but that's what she calls me so idk. The thought of liking her like that again makes me feel icky though. Doesn't keep her from making comments about my body but oh well.

 

[sulkygirl]

She's been spamming my message walls too now. Every day now for some time. She's posted photos of her cut wrists and has stated suicidal intentions multiple times. Despite posting it to my own wall, she's under the impression that since I'm not active on it, I won't see her messages. "It would be really funny if they decide to check their old message wall" and "wouldn't it be hilarious if they check their page and show it to l out of concern? That won't happen though luckily." I'm unsure if she actually thinks this or wants me to just respond but I really don't want to be involved with this. Is she just trying to guilt me into talking to her again? I wish I could block her but the platform doesn't let you. I'm glad she's alive because I care about her, I really do... But I just want her to leave me alone forever...

 

[NZkiwi]

hey im not sure if this helpful but sounds like a shitshow of a situation

i mean you prolly already know that
and you are trying your best, it shows

but fuck me man, sounds like whats going on isnt helping
i feel like im reading a k drama script

why cant everyone just get along and be friends and not do dumb shit right?

thanks for keeping us updated
hope things get better

 

[wehamuho]

I haven't blocked him. Although I haven't talked to him either. He's 27 and I'm not old enough to even drink. I think he fancies me. "My purpose in life is building up my community. What about you? To be a housewife for someone." What a fucking bitch. Although at least it'd give me an excuse to give up working. I have no motivation for anything anymore.

idk girl age gaps can work but are also red flags
i intuit u are less than 21. +7 is a great gap when so young. u may lack experience and not spot flags but ppl who go for younger girls have a chance to be predatory.
at that point one has maturity & experience so ur goals & wants differ from a 20 or less yo. so usually when men go big gaps no women w/ experience their age tolerates their shit

this ofc is not sure he might be lovely!! but u should be ready 2 spot possible flags