Venting Driving

[goodbye-to-a-world]

I'm basically being forced to learn how to drive. I'm 26 and autistic with vision issues. Not enough to disqualify me from legally operating a motor vehicle, but enough for me to feel deeply uncomfortable about lugging a ton of metal at speed alongside others that I don't know or trust doing the same.

My first lesson (technically second but first since I got my permit again) apparently went "fine", but I was involuntarily clenching my stomach so hard that only eased once I was back in the passenger seat and even after that it took me most of the remainder of the day to recover mentally and feel "normal" again. I hated every second of it. It doesn't feel right and there's so much to keep track of, so many places I have to look and so many things I have to be mindful of all while trying to keep the stupid death box on the road. It's too much for me but I have no choice.

The thing that really hurts is that the one person I thought would never be disappointed in me seemingly is now. I'd already had it in my head to get up to drive and was trying to go over my plan to get ready while I willed myself out of bed and she came in to tell me to get up and go drive. She didn't know I was already up and planning to get ready and I told her I was getting up, but then she made it out like I was stalling or something instead of just leaving and letting me get ready. She said "you have to accomplish something" and that broke me. I cried the whole time I was getting ready and I sobbed all night silently after coming back. It got to the point that I was considering writing my notes and tested my method of choice, which after feeling the beginnings of it left me paranoid for hours.

I don't want any of this. I feel so trapped. Now I feel like even the one person I thought I couldn't let down sees me for the burden I am...

 

[lastappleonearth]

I'm basically being forced to learn how to drive. I'm 26 and autistic with vision issues. Not enough to disqualify me from legally operating a motor vehicle, but enough for me to feel deeply uncomfortable about lugging a ton of metal at speed alongside others that I don't know or trust doing the same.

My first lesson (technically second but first since I got my permit again) apparently went "fine", but I was involuntarily clenching my stomach so hard that only eased once I was back in the passenger seat and even after that it took me most of the remainder of the day to recover mentally and feel "normal" again. I hated every second of it. It doesn't feel right and there's so much to keep track of, so many places I have to look and so many things I have to be mindful of all while trying to keep the stupid death box on the road. It's too much for me but I have no choice.

The thing that really hurts is that the one person I thought would never be disappointed in me seemingly is now. I'd already had it in my head to get up to drive and was trying to go over my plan to get ready while I willed myself out of bed and she came in to tell me to get up and go drive. She didn't know I was already up and planning to get ready and I told her I was getting up, but then she made it out like I was stalling or something instead of just leaving and letting me get ready. She said "you have to accomplish something" and that broke me. I cried the whole time I was getting ready and I sobbed all night silently after coming back. It got to the point that I was considering writing my notes and tested my method of choice, which after feeling the beginnings of it left me paranoid for hours.

I don't want any of this. I feel so trapped. Now I feel like even the one person I thought I couldn't let down sees me for the burden I am...

I'm sorry, I relate, I also hated driving lessons and I was so terrible at it. At first I had to drive stick and I just couldn't, so as the opportunity came up to get my drivers licence for automatic only, I did that, but still almost failed the practical exam. It was frustrating and I hated it, but I did it, and so can you. Good luck with your lessons

 

[nuva]

Driving a car sounds like actual psychological horror to me, even if it seems like most people are eager to get their license. It's not just about having to keep track of a million things at once, I guess you just get used to that with experience. It's more, like, what do you mean my life (and everyone else's in the car) depends on circumstances and the responsibility of other people?? I do NOT trust them this much. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and lots of patience.

Could you tell about the notes/method you mentioned? Why did they cause paranoia?(Sorry if I misunderstood something, English isn't my native language)

 

[goodbye-to-a-world]

Driving a car sounds like actual psychological horror to me, even if it seems like most people are eager to get their license. It's not just about having to keep track of a million things at once, I guess you just get used to that with experience. It's more, like, what do you mean my life (and everyone else's in the car) depends on circumstances and the responsibility of other people?? I do NOT trust them this much. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and lots of patience.

Could you tell about the notes/method you mentioned? Why did they cause paranoia?(Sorry if I misunderstood something, English isn't my native language)

The notes would've been my suicide notes. That's not what made me paranoid, it was me testing my planned method of suicide that caused the paranoia.

Spoiler: Method and reasoning

My planned method was ligature strangulation but when I'd squeezed the cord around my neck I felt a weird pressure building in my head and it freaked me out. Testing this can cause damage (brain damage and can lead to strokes or heart failure) if done incorrectly or too many times. It was my first time really using pressure and I was already in a fragile mental state and dealing with health anxiety and the feeling afterwards had me scared. It was only a few seconds, like probably not even 3, but like I said, already fragile mental state+health anxiety. Hope that clears it up a bit!