dragonofenvy
Paragon
- Oct 8, 2023
- 944
I have a problem with resentment and envy if you couldn't tell by my name. Whenever I see someone who has reached milestones that I haven't, those feelings overwhelm me. I tore her down because I'm jealous she had people there for her when she was young. She had people who were proud of her accomplishments and pushed her to be the best she could be; I didn't. None of these are problems with her. They're problems with me. I'm the problem. Last week I said horrible things to her, to the point where her manager told her to do telehealth out of safety concerns with me. She was one of the few people who always treated me with kindness and compassion and went the extra mile for me. And I repay her by being a dick to her, and then turning around and asking for her compassion again in a string of messages I sent over the weekend.
I would do anything to take back last week. I fucked up so badly and I regret it so much. There was no reason for me to lash out at her and now I have to build a relationship with an entirely new person and not be able to do trauma work for a while. I'm going to miss her so much. I was in partial hospitalization last month and now im being moved back up to another level. The guy she talked about sounded like he was extremely interested in me though so maybe it'll be better. At the very least I feel a lot more stable now. I think I just need another week to let everything digest.
She said I could see her again later depending on how things went. I hope so because I like her so much and am so angry with myself for fucking it up. She said I could send her update messages which I will so that I can hopefully repair some of the damage I did. She seemed understanding of it but I don't know if she was just saying that. One of the things she mentioned was that normally people in PHP go to IOP after, but i went from PHP straight to weekly outpatient. She seemed to be making excuses for my actions but there are no excuses for it. What I did was horrible.
The only thing I can do now is to move forward with the current situation. Try to make the best of it. I think this is a wake up call for me. She was right to do this. I just wish I hadn't let my emotions get the better of me. This hasn't happened in an extremely long time and I'm afraid of hurting her or someone else because of it.
Gonna do my best to try to keep things together after being so unstable since leaving PHP. I also probably shouldn't have gone off my meds... But, the only path now is forward. I hope that I can mend our relationship when I'm done with this new person. I can't believe I could be such a dickhead. It doesn't matter if I was in extreme distress, and at one of the worst points in my adult life. I have no right to be such a cunt towards someone who cares about me and I was anyways. I should kill myself now, but between being too cowardly, and wanting to see what this new guy is like, I also don't want to die alone. Still selfish as hell despite all the guilt I feel.
If you're wondering what happened. We were talking about certain specific issues that are very important to me. Well, she said that my philosophy is congruent with certain online communities (surely she wouldn't mean...?) when in actuality most of my philosophy is my own. Well, I took her comments about me personally and the following week got in a huge spat with her, during which I said something along the lines of "I thought about bringing a gun in here and splattering my brains on the wall in front of you, since I think that's the only way you'd understand how much pain I'm in."
Pretty fucked up thing to say and I still can't believe that I did. I deserve to die at this point.
I would do anything to take back last week. I fucked up so badly and I regret it so much. There was no reason for me to lash out at her and now I have to build a relationship with an entirely new person and not be able to do trauma work for a while. I'm going to miss her so much. I was in partial hospitalization last month and now im being moved back up to another level. The guy she talked about sounded like he was extremely interested in me though so maybe it'll be better. At the very least I feel a lot more stable now. I think I just need another week to let everything digest.
She said I could see her again later depending on how things went. I hope so because I like her so much and am so angry with myself for fucking it up. She said I could send her update messages which I will so that I can hopefully repair some of the damage I did. She seemed understanding of it but I don't know if she was just saying that. One of the things she mentioned was that normally people in PHP go to IOP after, but i went from PHP straight to weekly outpatient. She seemed to be making excuses for my actions but there are no excuses for it. What I did was horrible.
The only thing I can do now is to move forward with the current situation. Try to make the best of it. I think this is a wake up call for me. She was right to do this. I just wish I hadn't let my emotions get the better of me. This hasn't happened in an extremely long time and I'm afraid of hurting her or someone else because of it.
Gonna do my best to try to keep things together after being so unstable since leaving PHP. I also probably shouldn't have gone off my meds... But, the only path now is forward. I hope that I can mend our relationship when I'm done with this new person. I can't believe I could be such a dickhead. It doesn't matter if I was in extreme distress, and at one of the worst points in my adult life. I have no right to be such a cunt towards someone who cares about me and I was anyways. I should kill myself now, but between being too cowardly, and wanting to see what this new guy is like, I also don't want to die alone. Still selfish as hell despite all the guilt I feel.
If you're wondering what happened. We were talking about certain specific issues that are very important to me. Well, she said that my philosophy is congruent with certain online communities (surely she wouldn't mean...?) when in actuality most of my philosophy is my own. Well, I took her comments about me personally and the following week got in a huge spat with her, during which I said something along the lines of "I thought about bringing a gun in here and splattering my brains on the wall in front of you, since I think that's the only way you'd understand how much pain I'm in."
Pretty fucked up thing to say and I still can't believe that I did. I deserve to die at this point.
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