Venting Messed up my relationship with psychologist

[dragonofenvy]

I have a problem with resentment and envy if you couldn't tell by my name. Whenever I see someone who has reached milestones that I haven't, those feelings overwhelm me. I tore her down because I'm jealous she had people there for her when she was young. She had people who were proud of her accomplishments and pushed her to be the best she could be; I didn't. None of these are problems with her. They're problems with me. I'm the problem. Last week I said horrible things to her, to the point where her manager told her to do telehealth out of safety concerns with me. She was one of the few people who always treated me with kindness and compassion and went the extra mile for me. And I repay her by being a dick to her, and then turning around and asking for her compassion again in a string of messages I sent over the weekend.

I would do anything to take back last week. I fucked up so badly and I regret it so much. There was no reason for me to lash out at her and now I have to build a relationship with an entirely new person and not be able to do trauma work for a while. I'm going to miss her so much. I was in partial hospitalization last month and now im being moved back up to another level. The guy she talked about sounded like he was extremely interested in me though so maybe it'll be better. At the very least I feel a lot more stable now. I think I just need another week to let everything digest.

She said I could see her again later depending on how things went. I hope so because I like her so much and am so angry with myself for fucking it up. She said I could send her update messages which I will so that I can hopefully repair some of the damage I did. She seemed understanding of it but I don't know if she was just saying that. One of the things she mentioned was that normally people in PHP go to IOP after, but i went from PHP straight to weekly outpatient. She seemed to be making excuses for my actions but there are no excuses for it. What I did was horrible.

The only thing I can do now is to move forward with the current situation. Try to make the best of it. I think this is a wake up call for me. She was right to do this. I just wish I hadn't let my emotions get the better of me. This hasn't happened in an extremely long time and I'm afraid of hurting her or someone else because of it.

Gonna do my best to try to keep things together after being so unstable since leaving PHP. I also probably shouldn't have gone off my meds... But, the only path now is forward. I hope that I can mend our relationship when I'm done with this new person. I can't believe I could be such a dickhead. It doesn't matter if I was in extreme distress, and at one of the worst points in my adult life. I have no right to be such a cunt towards someone who cares about me and I was anyways. I should kill myself now, but between being too cowardly, and wanting to see what this new guy is like, I also don't want to die alone. Still selfish as hell despite all the guilt I feel.

If you're wondering what happened. We were talking about certain specific issues that are very important to me. Well, she said that my philosophy is congruent with certain online communities (surely she wouldn't mean...?) when in actuality most of my philosophy is my own. Well, I took her comments about me personally and the following week got in a huge spat with her, during which I said something along the lines of "I thought about bringing a gun in here and splattering my brains on the wall in front of you, since I think that's the only way you'd understand how much pain I'm in."

Pretty fucked up thing to say and I still can't believe that I did. I deserve to die at this point.

 

[Gloomic]

Envy is a normal emotion to have, as long as it doesn't progress to the extreme. Though when it does and when people do things they know they shouldn't, feeling guilt and shame is normal and encouraged. It shows that you care about the situation and that you are aware of your actions. Right now, you express the psychologist is not at fault and you own up to your regret. Proceed with being more thoughtful about your choices so something like this doesn't repeat. Don't be too hard on yourself though. You're stepping in the right direction with this acknowledgement.

 

[NonBinaryPiano]

Envy is pretty normal, letting it control and dictate how you act isnt healthy.

I recommend (if you haven't already, you've said you've talked to her) explaining that you lashed out and you regret it and youre sorry, that youre going through stuff that most people judge/dont understand and you reacted defensively, and that its not her fault.

Talking it out is the only way to solve things like this and I wish you luck

 

[dragonofenvy]

It's FUBAR. She now refuses to see me. I am to find another outpatient therapist. After so long for searching for the one, I found them, and then fucked it up. I always do this to people who care about me. Any time I see someone with compassion I lash out and I have no idea why. Trauma response maybe? Doesn't matter. What matters is the action. And these are the consequences.

It's funny, because she said she's someone who believes that people should be given second chances. Well, when you're the one who is affected, then that philosophy goes out the window. No, second chances have to be given by other people to other people in a different place. I guess even knowing that I fucked up I still can't help but feel resentment over the decision given the double standard. I think I'm right to, given that now that I can't see her I just don't care about anything else anymore. I'm done.

I've been told for the past decade and a half to keep trying, to keep going, that things will get better. I've followed that belief so many times and time and time again I get burned for doing so. There's so many times where I said "this is it. This is my last shot, the last hail mary, the last attempt I'm gonna give it and then I'm killing myself." This was one of hundreds of times. And now I have to see someone who's going to tell me the same exact thing while I get tossed around in the system trying to find the one when I had them.

I'm going to be told yet again that I don't know what the future will hold and that I should keep trying.
I'm going to be told yet again that I will find a provider that is compatible with me.
I'm going to be told yet again of the many different options of care I have and that we should work on finding the best fit.
I'm going to be told yet again about higher levels of care that I've already done before that might suit my needs.
I'm going to be told yet again that I am undergoing a period of emotional distress but it seems like I have the self-awareness to make progress.
I'm going to be told yet again to be proud of the progress I did make.
I'm going to be told yet again the same old therapy speak bullshit that I'm always used to, and when I challenge them to just drop the bullshit pretense and tell it to me how it is, they will refuse, even though it's what I want the most.

One last session with the assistant therapist. One last try to see what snake oil he tries to sell me. One last hail mary. One last time to see if I can get the help I need.

It's a cycle that has repeated for almost 21 years. The common theme: Me fucking something up and having that sin be unforgivable. Only other people deserve forgiveness for acts worse than mine, apparently.
Not only this, but the professionals always failing to provide the one thing I've desperately wanted for my whole life: To be seen, to be heard, to have someone actually listen and understand, and not try to wave away, deflect, justify, or try to force me to their views. Just someone who'd listen and ask questions.

The more you have to carry, the quicker you tire, and the quicker you die. I'm so tired of having to carry it alone. I'm so tired of finding the person who can shoulder some of my burden, and then I push too much of it onto them. And now I'm left to keep carrying it. Alone.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting. I've been fighting for so long. I'm tired of being expected to keep fighting. I wish I had the second chance. I would stop being such a whiny bitch and actually put my feet forward because that's what has held me back these past few months. I'm so angry at the world, angry at a world I can't control. I can only control what's in my world, and I've finally figured that out. I wish I could tell her that and have help me move forward. But I can't. I won't. And now I have to do it all again when i have just 4 months of insurance left.

I'm doing TMS soon. It won't work. It won't change all of this. Nothing can. And in the end I'll just be another statistic. I don't even know if I'll have a marked grave. I don't even know if anyone will find my body in the first place. I have, and always will be, invisible. Invisible in a world where I would have done anything to be seen.

Hope, I think, is one of the worst evils one can feel. For it prolongs the torment you must suffer.

 

[DirtCommie]

It's FUBAR. She now refuses to see me. I am to find another outpatient therapist. After so long for searching for the one, I found them, and then fucked it up. I always do this to people who care about me. Any time I see someone with compassion I lash out and I have no idea why. Trauma response maybe? Doesn't matter. What matters is the action. And these are the consequences.

It's funny, because she said she's someone who believes that people should be given second chances. Well, when you're the one who is affected, then that philosophy goes out the window. No, second chances have to be given by other people to other people in a different place. I guess even knowing that I fucked up I still can't help but feel resentment over the decision given the double standard. I think I'm right to, given that now that I can't see her I just don't care about anything else anymore. I'm done.

I've been told for the past decade and a half to keep trying, to keep going, that things will get better. I've followed that belief so many times and time and time again I get burned for doing so. There's so many times where I said "this is it. This is my last shot, the last hail mary, the last attempt I'm gonna give it and then I'm killing myself." This was one of hundreds of times. And now I have to see someone who's going to tell me the same exact thing while I get tossed around in the system trying to find the one when I had them.

I'm going to be told yet again that I don't know what the future will hold and that I should keep trying.
I'm going to be told yet again that I will find a provider that is compatible with me.
I'm going to be told yet again of the many different options of care I have and that we should work on finding the best fit.
I'm going to be told yet again about higher levels of care that I've already done before that might suit my needs.
I'm going to be told yet again that I am undergoing a period of emotional distress but it seems like I have the self-awareness to make progress.
I'm going to be told yet again to be proud of the progress I did make.
I'm going to be told yet again the same old therapy speak bullshit that I'm always used to, and when I challenge them to just drop the bullshit pretense and tell it to me how it is, they will refuse, even though it's what I want the most.

One last session with the assistant therapist. One last try to see what snake oil he tries to sell me. One last hail mary. One last time to see if I can get the help I need.

It's a cycle that has repeated for almost 21 years. The common theme: Me fucking something up and having that sin be unforgivable. Only other people deserve forgiveness for acts worse than mine, apparently.
Not only this, but the professionals always failing to provide the one thing I've desperately wanted for my whole life: To be seen, to be heard, to have someone actually listen and understand, and not try to wave away, deflect, justify, or try to force me to their views. Just someone who'd listen and ask questions.

The more you have to carry, the quicker you tire, and the quicker you die. I'm so tired of having to carry it alone. I'm so tired of finding the person who can shoulder some of my burden, and then I push too much of it onto them. And now I'm left to keep carrying it. Alone.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of fighting. I've been fighting for so long. I'm tired of being expected to keep fighting. I wish I had the second chance. I would stop being such a whiny bitch and actually put my feet forward because that's what has held me back these past few months. I'm so angry at the world, angry at a world I can't control. I can only control what's in my world, and I've finally figured that out. I wish I could tell her that and have help me move forward. But I can't. I won't. And now I have to do it all again when i have just 4 months of insurance left.

I'm doing TMS soon. It won't work. It won't change all of this. Nothing can. And in the end I'll just be another statistic. I don't even know if I'll have a marked grave. I don't even know if anyone will find my body in the first place. I have, and always will be, invisible. Invisible in a world where I would have done anything to be seen.

Hope, I think, is one of the worst evils one can feel. For it prolongs the torment you must suffer.

Maybe as a way of helping your previous osychollogist udnerstand the pain you have nbeen holding and threw onto her maybr you should just send her this entire typed message? Maybe she'll understand you better and ehy you did that?

Also holy hell 21 years and no solution? Daaamn . And a few months of insurance left? Double Daaamn! Thats so unfair. I will ALWAYS advocate for universal access to mental health vare and xases like yours further prove Im correct.

Sorry for your pain though

 

[dragonofenvy]

Had a phone call with the temp therapist. He said that it was the higher-ups who made the decision and that he was told to stop asking about it. So. That's it.

I was referred to a DBT group. They strongly suspect I have borderline personality disorder. Fun. It was something I thought too. Idk what im gonna do though. Let's say I get in next month, and then can do the treatment for a bit. Maybe I get some improvements. Then what? I can't afford to do more of it.

I just want to see her again. That's another trait of BPD. Intense fear of abandonment and the inability to get over it. I won't be able to ever again. Here I go back into the system because fuck it. What else will I do? I really hate life.

 

[Hystearical]

Had a phone call with the temp therapist. He said that it was the higher-ups who made the decision and that he was told to stop asking about it. So. That's it.

I was referred to a DBT group. They strongly suspect I have borderline personality disorder. Fun. It was something I thought too. Idk what im gonna do though. Let's say I get in next month, and then can do the treatment for a bit. Maybe I get some improvements. Then what? I can't afford to do more of it.

I just want to see her again. That's another trait of BPD. Intense fear of abandonment and the inability to get over it. I won't be able to ever again. Here I go back into the system because fuck it. What else will I do? I really hate life.

As someone who was slapped with that label too you would need practitioners who are truly versed in autism too or it will range from ineffective to harmful. Allistic BPD suffers are so different. They try to heal people's social patterns but those are going to so very different for an autistic person versus not. Even the way participating in group therapy feels will be different. Autistic problems that constantly cause distress don't have a neat and tidy "skills handbook"

So much of my autism and resulting trauma was dismissed and misunderstood through that lens. Once I developed a horrible invisible physical ailment that tendency only got much, much worse.

I'm sorry you're dealing wth yearning for your old therapist. I have come to really appreciate that everything social and interpersonal is necessarily fleeing and volatile. Nothing really lasts forever and as such no one is worth causing yourself harm if a relationship with them ends. That said when you start a relationship with a new friend or romantic partner, you don't do it in the assumption that it won't last even if it very well turns out that it doesn't last, even if that's a fair bet to make just by statistics. But when you start a relationship with a counselor, transience is baked into that relationship from the beginning as a professional matter of fact. It is bound to end at sone point whatever you do. I know that is probably meager consolation though.