Hello SS, pardon my poor english and some contextual errors that might appear on the text. Sorry for the gigantic text. I don't even know if this is the proper subforum, so pardon me if I put it on the wrong place.
I feel like a fucking failure guys, I wish I was never fucking born. I know this is what most people say on this forum, but I mean it.
This year has been brutal for me and it does not seems that it will get better. I lost my job, am getting fucked in college, lost a girl that I loved (yes you guys can clown on me, this is absolutely pathetic), am living with my parents at 22 because I cant find any jobs now (I am a junior web developer for context), even am losing my faith in God. All this in less than 2 months.
Because of this I started doing a retrospect of my whole life and honestly this just makes me wish even more I wasnt born. I was never the "normal" kid you know, always different hobbies, different way of thinking, horrific motor coordination, so I was bad at sports also (still am). So as you guys can guess, I got bullied most of my life (until highschool), and you guys know what funnier? Nowdays I am friends with them, I forgave them, but the scar is still here you know. I'm 22 and never had a girlfriend, lost my kiss virginity at 18 (the median here is 13-14), lost my virginity at 19. I'm still socially not normal, but I am better than what I was back then, but for me, not enough.
So lets get back on this year. Things were moving on, I thought I finally had my life solved, was talking to this girl and we were chatting for hours and hours and hours, I still fucking remember details, I still remember she singing me "riptide" on her ukulele, I still remember she talking about how her mother believes in aliens, had a great job opportunity, college was moving and I started finishing everything. Then me and this girl decided to go on a date, in which I thought it went great specially because of my part. For context, she is vegan, so out of respect for her, I did not eat anything animal related on the date, paid for everything, walked her back home. Then night arrives, I sense something weird on her, like she is distant, next day I start chatting with her, she is taking too long to reply, alright I guess, then my fuckass mind starts calculating probabilities, reviewing the date on repeat 300 times to see if something had happened, and I had the worst conclusions of course. At night she silently removed me from her close friends (yes I was stalking her profile to see if my theory was right and unfortunately I was fucking right), then alright, a day passes and I open the game, ask if something had happened, if I did something that upset her and she said I did not and that I was actually a really nice guy and that she liked the date, oh forgot to mention, after the date when I was going back home she sent me a couple messages saying like "hey, tell me when you get home", "I really liked today", "cant wait to you to meet my friends". After that she said that she didnt feel the connection (that absolutely destroyed me, went on one full week taking 2 alprazolams per day which I stole from my mother, because I cant take that medication), then she asked if we could be friends, in which like an idiot with no self-respect, I accepted it, but said I wanted a space. Then alright, friday I post a story of me doing a 600 lbs leg press (gym is one of the only things that keep me in this earth), in which she absolutely ignored my plead for space and replied to the story. Alright, moving on, she does a 180 and talks to me one time per day 4 messages maximum and an eventual reel. Things goes like this for 3 weeks, then one week I honestly get fed up with this and ignored her for 5 days, and then one day she reposts some video of a girl saying like "hey I still miss you friend, things arent the same anymore..." and then she adds me on her close friends again, and I think "HEY MAYBE WE CAN ACTUALLY BE FRIENDS THIS TIME!!!", the dinamic stayed the same, only difference is that I'm in her close friends now. Time moves until 13° of august, she silently removed me again, and we talked a bit because I posted something on my close friends she laughed at but moving on, day 19° of august, I just stopped replying to her completly "out of self respect", and she eventually likes things I post, like pictures of my cats on instants or happy brithdays. I'm a guy that likes to test, so my theory is that she moved on and dont care about me anymore, so I posted some instants of my cat on saturday (for context, she likes all of the instants of my cats), she completly ignored it, alright, my theory was that maybe she didnt see it, posted another one today, same thing. My reasoning makes me feel like she muted me on instants. And my current theory is that she moved on and is probably already speaking with someone else, and this deeply hurts me, I still am fucking attached and it doesnt seems to go away. I just wish to be loved man. And this is an absolutely sum up.
Keep in mind that concurrently, I lost my job 19 days later after, in which I actually liked and thought I would have a future in that company. It was my fault, I wasnt producing enough, maybe due to me being sad because of the girl, but I dont want to put excuses, so I say its my fault and thats it.
Then I stared getting fucked in college aswell, kind of solved it however its still a critical situation.
I started crying every. single. day. I cant hold it man. My life was "made", job, girl, college and then boom, everything went down at the same fucking time.
Most of the times I think that if I was a normal person and not this fuck ass neurodivergent guy, maybe I could have had her, but nooooo, I have to not be normal like the other people. And this thought keeps hammering my head every single day. My mind goes "hey haha told you, you arent normal hahah, you will always be this".
I still try to apply to jobs, but nothing. nothing. nothing. and my resume isn't bad at all man, this is the worst part.
My biggest dream in which I would trade literally everything for is having a family, a wife and kids. I can imagine myself going back from work and then my kids jumping on me saying "hey I missed you dad!" and then we play something and we eat later and then me and my wife have conversations and talk about plans and the future and how we love each other. But it seems like its never going to happen. 22, never had a girlfriend. This hunts me. I will write this and I really do not want you guys to think im being arrogant or egothistical, really, but I am good looking and tall, I got called for some modelling agencies some years ago, so it makes it even worse, because it makes me think that God is playing with me, like "Hey I gave you the tools to actually have a relationship, but fuck you also lol im going to give you the worst personality possible and make you weird as fuck so you cant even use it hahaha and you wont even be able to be sad because guess what?!! you are lucky to be good looking and should be grateful", so the thought of me not being normal and therefore I cant have relationships hurts me even worse, because it seems like a logical conclusion.
Now about faith, and I know some of you guys are atheists and I really do not have a problem with that, but you can skip this paragraph, because you probably will think that I am crazy. I was supposed to die a couple of times, but I got saved miracously all of these times, including today actually, and this just makes me think like I'm God's personal lolcow, like he just keeps me alive so he can see me going throught these types of stuff more and more and laugh at this stupid guy. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the truman show. Today I should have died, I was doing standing calf raises on the smith machine with 529 lbs, and the machine moved on the first rep and I almost feel down with the weight on me, but I managed to put the lock thing on the safety right on time before that, and it was perfectly timed, otherwise I would have been smashed like an ant. And then I started questioning him, "Why dont you allow me to die? I dont want to sound ungrateful, but you dont allow me to die in every situation, you know how I am suffering, you know that I wish to be dead and then you dont allow it. Why?". I wish I died.
Now for suicidal thoughts, I indeed calculated the best possible way I would want to go out and planned how to do it, I unfortunately dont have the courage to do it thought. I started thinking of methods, maybe a bunch of medicines, but then I thought, I can be saved from that and if I died from it, it would hurt like hell anyways, same for stabbing myself with a knife. Best way would be a shotgun on my mouth, but in my country it would take months to achieve it and people would probably notice it and stop me from doing so. My conclusion was that jumping head down from a building would be the best approach, quick death, no pain, maybe even some adrenaline, and I would like to do that at night, when people wouldnt notice, because I dont want to traumatize people, so I would probably call the police beforehand so they could get my body. Like I want to go and dont bother anyone you feel me?
I feel extremely lonely, a failure, worthless, pathetic, stupid, and like the whole universe wants to watch me get fucked and laugh. Sometimes I relate with Elliot Alderson from Mr Robot.
This post is just a sum up, if I wrote everything, it would probably turn into a book.
Sorry for wasting your time.
I feel like a fucking failure guys, I wish I was never fucking born. I know this is what most people say on this forum, but I mean it.
This year has been brutal for me and it does not seems that it will get better. I lost my job, am getting fucked in college, lost a girl that I loved (yes you guys can clown on me, this is absolutely pathetic), am living with my parents at 22 because I cant find any jobs now (I am a junior web developer for context), even am losing my faith in God. All this in less than 2 months.
Because of this I started doing a retrospect of my whole life and honestly this just makes me wish even more I wasnt born. I was never the "normal" kid you know, always different hobbies, different way of thinking, horrific motor coordination, so I was bad at sports also (still am). So as you guys can guess, I got bullied most of my life (until highschool), and you guys know what funnier? Nowdays I am friends with them, I forgave them, but the scar is still here you know. I'm 22 and never had a girlfriend, lost my kiss virginity at 18 (the median here is 13-14), lost my virginity at 19. I'm still socially not normal, but I am better than what I was back then, but for me, not enough.
So lets get back on this year. Things were moving on, I thought I finally had my life solved, was talking to this girl and we were chatting for hours and hours and hours, I still fucking remember details, I still remember she singing me "riptide" on her ukulele, I still remember she talking about how her mother believes in aliens, had a great job opportunity, college was moving and I started finishing everything. Then me and this girl decided to go on a date, in which I thought it went great specially because of my part. For context, she is vegan, so out of respect for her, I did not eat anything animal related on the date, paid for everything, walked her back home. Then night arrives, I sense something weird on her, like she is distant, next day I start chatting with her, she is taking too long to reply, alright I guess, then my fuckass mind starts calculating probabilities, reviewing the date on repeat 300 times to see if something had happened, and I had the worst conclusions of course. At night she silently removed me from her close friends (yes I was stalking her profile to see if my theory was right and unfortunately I was fucking right), then alright, a day passes and I open the game, ask if something had happened, if I did something that upset her and she said I did not and that I was actually a really nice guy and that she liked the date, oh forgot to mention, after the date when I was going back home she sent me a couple messages saying like "hey, tell me when you get home", "I really liked today", "cant wait to you to meet my friends". After that she said that she didnt feel the connection (that absolutely destroyed me, went on one full week taking 2 alprazolams per day which I stole from my mother, because I cant take that medication), then she asked if we could be friends, in which like an idiot with no self-respect, I accepted it, but said I wanted a space. Then alright, friday I post a story of me doing a 600 lbs leg press (gym is one of the only things that keep me in this earth), in which she absolutely ignored my plead for space and replied to the story. Alright, moving on, she does a 180 and talks to me one time per day 4 messages maximum and an eventual reel. Things goes like this for 3 weeks, then one week I honestly get fed up with this and ignored her for 5 days, and then one day she reposts some video of a girl saying like "hey I still miss you friend, things arent the same anymore..." and then she adds me on her close friends again, and I think "HEY MAYBE WE CAN ACTUALLY BE FRIENDS THIS TIME!!!", the dinamic stayed the same, only difference is that I'm in her close friends now. Time moves until 13° of august, she silently removed me again, and we talked a bit because I posted something on my close friends she laughed at but moving on, day 19° of august, I just stopped replying to her completly "out of self respect", and she eventually likes things I post, like pictures of my cats on instants or happy brithdays. I'm a guy that likes to test, so my theory is that she moved on and dont care about me anymore, so I posted some instants of my cat on saturday (for context, she likes all of the instants of my cats), she completly ignored it, alright, my theory was that maybe she didnt see it, posted another one today, same thing. My reasoning makes me feel like she muted me on instants. And my current theory is that she moved on and is probably already speaking with someone else, and this deeply hurts me, I still am fucking attached and it doesnt seems to go away. I just wish to be loved man. And this is an absolutely sum up.
Keep in mind that concurrently, I lost my job 19 days later after, in which I actually liked and thought I would have a future in that company. It was my fault, I wasnt producing enough, maybe due to me being sad because of the girl, but I dont want to put excuses, so I say its my fault and thats it.
Then I stared getting fucked in college aswell, kind of solved it however its still a critical situation.
I started crying every. single. day. I cant hold it man. My life was "made", job, girl, college and then boom, everything went down at the same fucking time.
Most of the times I think that if I was a normal person and not this fuck ass neurodivergent guy, maybe I could have had her, but nooooo, I have to not be normal like the other people. And this thought keeps hammering my head every single day. My mind goes "hey haha told you, you arent normal hahah, you will always be this".
I still try to apply to jobs, but nothing. nothing. nothing. and my resume isn't bad at all man, this is the worst part.
My biggest dream in which I would trade literally everything for is having a family, a wife and kids. I can imagine myself going back from work and then my kids jumping on me saying "hey I missed you dad!" and then we play something and we eat later and then me and my wife have conversations and talk about plans and the future and how we love each other. But it seems like its never going to happen. 22, never had a girlfriend. This hunts me. I will write this and I really do not want you guys to think im being arrogant or egothistical, really, but I am good looking and tall, I got called for some modelling agencies some years ago, so it makes it even worse, because it makes me think that God is playing with me, like "Hey I gave you the tools to actually have a relationship, but fuck you also lol im going to give you the worst personality possible and make you weird as fuck so you cant even use it hahaha and you wont even be able to be sad because guess what?!! you are lucky to be good looking and should be grateful", so the thought of me not being normal and therefore I cant have relationships hurts me even worse, because it seems like a logical conclusion.
Now about faith, and I know some of you guys are atheists and I really do not have a problem with that, but you can skip this paragraph, because you probably will think that I am crazy. I was supposed to die a couple of times, but I got saved miracously all of these times, including today actually, and this just makes me think like I'm God's personal lolcow, like he just keeps me alive so he can see me going throught these types of stuff more and more and laugh at this stupid guy. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the truman show. Today I should have died, I was doing standing calf raises on the smith machine with 529 lbs, and the machine moved on the first rep and I almost feel down with the weight on me, but I managed to put the lock thing on the safety right on time before that, and it was perfectly timed, otherwise I would have been smashed like an ant. And then I started questioning him, "Why dont you allow me to die? I dont want to sound ungrateful, but you dont allow me to die in every situation, you know how I am suffering, you know that I wish to be dead and then you dont allow it. Why?". I wish I died.
Now for suicidal thoughts, I indeed calculated the best possible way I would want to go out and planned how to do it, I unfortunately dont have the courage to do it thought. I started thinking of methods, maybe a bunch of medicines, but then I thought, I can be saved from that and if I died from it, it would hurt like hell anyways, same for stabbing myself with a knife. Best way would be a shotgun on my mouth, but in my country it would take months to achieve it and people would probably notice it and stop me from doing so. My conclusion was that jumping head down from a building would be the best approach, quick death, no pain, maybe even some adrenaline, and I would like to do that at night, when people wouldnt notice, because I dont want to traumatize people, so I would probably call the police beforehand so they could get my body. Like I want to go and dont bother anyone you feel me?
I feel extremely lonely, a failure, worthless, pathetic, stupid, and like the whole universe wants to watch me get fucked and laugh. Sometimes I relate with Elliot Alderson from Mr Robot.
This post is just a sum up, if I wrote everything, it would probably turn into a book.
Sorry for wasting your time.
