Help How do I get my wife back?

[TheLastGreySky]

I know this is a really hot topic and I know a lot of people are probably going to be very negative against me but I need sincere advice if there's any to give. I've been with my wife almost 2 years and our anniversary is the 18th and we have pfas on each other and we have been fighting and it has been really hard since right before the middle of july. She's been gone pretty much 3 weeks and is not talking to me at all. But it shows she checks when I message her. We got into a situation where she hit me and I eventually hit her back and she just took off with the baby. Well recently her friend has been showing her the progress I have been making. I now work and I've been keeping the whole house clean and trying to show that these changes will be permanent in me. I've tried apologizing to friends of hers that I disrespected I was a piece of crap towards. But she and her family won't speak to me right now and I don't know what to do to make amends and to not lose her.

I don't know how to get her to speak to me again because I've been trying and she's just been ignoring me. I feel like I can't tell her I'm going to commit CTB if she doesn't come back because that's manipulative so I'm just keeping it to myself. But honestly I'm 34 years old and she is the love of my life and I cannot keep making mistakes so I'm taking full accountability. And I just want her to believe in me I want her to love me again if she ever stopped. And I don't know how to go about this and I'm really scared to overthink it or to be too clingy or to just not give her enough space etc. Any advice is appreciated other than telling me to let her go because respectfully, that would break me in ways that I'm not ever wanting to go through a second time I have honestly already attempted and ordered something off of a recommendation here. I'm ready to kick the bucket but I'm also ready to live for her. So please consider this serious and actually help me with guidance

 

[NZkiwi]

I'm ready to kick the bucket but I'm also ready to live for her. So please consider this serious and actually help me with guidance

It's been a couple years of self reflection, I think as guys we think changing the external world would fix relationshios (more money, new house, nicer car) ... took me a while I had to look inwards to heal my self.

Post break up, I fought my will to ctb out of respect to the relationship, as I just wanted her to be happy and me being dead wouldn't make her happy even when she moved on.

If I might challenge you gently, if you're ready to live for her, are you ready to live for her if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you?

 

[Chili]

Neither of y'all are in the right. We shouldn't be hitting each other, period. But I don't know if that's the full story or just your side.

If she's reading your messages, she's open but you also have to stop texting her crazy. Send her a text stating you love her, you're committed to having a conversation about this, and she's always welcome home when she has enough time to think things over. Then drop it until she responds. And know that she may just never come back. Becoming physical is basically a relationship ender and more than likely will happen again sometimes in the future.

It is also extremely manipulative and cruel for you to ever tell her you'd ctb without her. Do NOT do that. How would you feel if some man you were dating and got into a physical fight decided to ctb as soon as y'all separated? You'd feel like shit. Would you let someone you love and the mother of your child feel that way? There are plenty of women in the sea and, while it feels earth shattering now, you'll likely love again.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

It's been a couple years of self reflection, I think as guys we think changing the external world would fix relationshios (more money, new house, nicer car) ... took me a while I had to look inwards to heal my self.

Post break up, I fought my will to ctb out of respect to the relationship, as I just wanted her to be happy and me being dead wouldn't make her happy even when she moved on.

If I might challenge you gently, if you're ready to live for her, are you ready to live for her if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you?

Honestly I'm not because we have a daughter together and because she was hurt by me. I want one more chance to make things right and I know that sounds pathetic. But I realized a lot the things I was doing wrong and like her friend said I got to change it even if she doesn't come back but a life without her is going to get me to kill myself and I don't expect anyone to understand but I'm asking everyone to please help me find a way to get her back and not just give up

Neither of y'all are in the right. We shouldn't be hitting each other, period. But I don't know if that's the full story or just your side.

If she's reading your messages, she's open but you also have to stop texting her crazy. Send her a text stating you love her, you're committed to having a conversation about this, and she's always welcome home when she has enough time to think things over. Then drop it until she responds. And know that she may just never come back. Becoming physical is basically a relationship ender and more than likely will happen again sometimes in the future.

It is also extremely manipulative and cruel for you to ever tell her you'd ctb without her. Do NOT do that. How would you feel if some man you were dating and got into a physical fight decided to ctb as soon as y'all separated? You'd feel like shit. Would you let someone you love and the mother of your child feel that way? There are plenty of women in the sea and, while it feels earth shattering now, you'll likely love again.

I'm not telling her I've just been attempting and practicing it. I don't want her to leave leave I want a chance to restore things because it took her leaving for me to realize what she meant to me. I just want my family home. And I don't know how to restore things because I feel like I didn't work for 2 years almost other than like 2 months or a month total split in half. I feel like I took for granted all the love and effort she put in and now that I realize what she brought into my life... She won't speak to me.

 

[NZkiwi]

I'm asking everyone to please help me find a way to get her back and not just give up

Probably need to understand a little more

What have you tried?
What has worked?
What has not worked?

Honestly I'm not because we have a daughter together and because she was hurt by me.

Sounds like that's quite a strong protective factor against ctb

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Probably need to understand a little more

What have you tried?
What has worked?
What has not worked?



Sounds like that's quite a strong protective factor against ctb

We haven't talked for about a week and she's been gone two weeks going on three. She took the name off the lease and the apartment is just me but it looks like she at the very least has stopped looking around for divorce counselors. But that's just what I think because I haven't got any more notifications. We were talking for a minute but then I put up protection order up because I knew she was here and do the same thing. Like we both kind of got petty. But so far lately what I've been doing is showing her friends that I've been keeping up with the house and I guess they've been showing her. I think that she needs to see my consistency if I don't know if she gives a shit. Because I can't exactly tell her I'm going to commit suicide if she takes my daughter and gives up on me because I'm such a broken piece of shit that I really can't take that a single time more

 

[bountifulmaple]

Bruh, I'm literally in a very similar situation right now (same age too, but the marriage was 5+ years). We both made mistakes, to put it mildly (I have a drinking problem, she went on a holiday with another guy without telling anything). I found out she was talking to divorce lawyers too, without telling me of course. I was so incredibly butthurt I talked shit in PMs for days (she's collected a bunch of her stuff and been staying with the guy and some friends). I tried the partial hanging thing multiple times, since it's the only thing readily available to me. Respectfully, I think it's fucking over for the both of us.

 

[never mind me]

I think you need to be patient. It probably won't help to bombard your wife with messages. It's ok to write her one time that you love her and don't want to lose her and hope that she will come back. And then you should give her time to think it through. Maybe she will come back, maybe she won't. You can't force it. And I really don't understand why you would ctb in case you can't get her back? After all you have a daughter together, I think it is very irresponsible to not care for your daughter, just because you might lose your wife. Even if it turns out that your wife won't come back I am sure you can agree on an arrangement that allows you to still take care of your daughter and you absolutely should do that, even if your daughter stays with your wife most of the time. I don't think you want to be remembered by your daughter as the asshole who just killed himself after breaking up with the mother of your child.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I lost my 4 other kids with my ex and we were together 12 years. To me this is my last chance or the end of messing things up. I considered ctb before my daughter was born because of my intrusive thoughts and worries about myself.
AAn

I lost my 4 other kids with my ex and we were together 12 years. To me this is my last chance or the end of messing things up. I considered ctb before my daughter was born because of my intrusive thoughts and worries about myself.

And respectfully, I'm trying. so if she wants to be the one to kill me, she can. You don't understand how it feels. But I'm tired of being me.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Bruh, I'm literally in a very similar situation right now (same age too, but the marriage was 5+ years). We both made mistakes, to put it mildly (I have a drinking problem, she went on a holiday with another guy without telling anything). I found out she was talking to divorce lawyers too, without telling me of course. I was so incredibly butthurt I talked shit in PMs for days (she's collected a bunch of her stuff and been staying with the guy and some friends). I tried the partial hanging thing multiple times, since it's the only thing readily available to me. Respectfully, I think it's fucking over for the both of us.

Respectfully, I hope your situation works out. But I'm giving it everything I got to better myself whether or not she comes back. She's not knowing that I'm going to kill myself if she doesn't. Honestly I don't want to be alive right now but I've got work to do

 

[Chili]

Honestly I'm not because we have a daughter together and because she was hurt by me. I want one more chance to make things right and I know that sounds pathetic. But I realized a lot the things I was doing wrong and like her friend said I got to change it even if she doesn't come back but a life without her is going to get me to kill myself and I don't expect anyone to understand but I'm asking everyone to please help me find a way to get her back and not just give up

I'm not telling her I've just been attempting and practicing it. I don't want her to leave leave I want a chance to restore things because it took her leaving for me to realize what she meant to me. I just want my family home. And I don't know how to restore things because I feel like I didn't work for 2 years almost other than like 2 months or a month total split in half. I feel like I took for granted all the love and effort she put in and now that I realize what she brought into my life... She won't speak to me

Ay man, it's usually too late when we realize. But you gotta settle with the fact she may not come back. Like I said, send her the message and let it sit. Harassing her through text and phone calls or whatever you're doing is likely not going to work. Whatever grand gesture or answer you're looking for doesn't exist. I know that I probably sound like a dick but I don't want to lead you on or give you false hope. Keep up with the house, don't do it to be performative or show it off. Do it for yourself. And, if she doesn't want to come back, divorce and get 50/50 custody. Have her Wednesday -Friday with pick up being Saturday. Participate in her schooling and provide for her. Go to her games, etc.

How did you lose your 4 other kids though?? Also the phrase

"And respectfully, I'm trying. so if she wants to be the one to kill me, she can. You don't understand how it feels. But I'm tired of being me."

Makes you sound like a shithead. Manipulative train of thought.

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

I know this is a really hot topic and I know a lot of people are probably going to be very negative against me but I need sincere advice if there's any to give. I've been with my wife almost 2 years and our anniversary is the 18th and we have pfas on each other and we have been fighting and it has been really hard since right before the middle of july. She's been gone pretty much 3 weeks and is not talking to me at all. But it shows she checks when I message her. We got into a situation where she hit me and I eventually hit her back and she just took off with the baby. Well recently her friend has been showing her the progress I have been making. I now work and I've been keeping the whole house clean and trying to show that these changes will be permanent in me. I've tried apologizing to friends of hers that I disrespected I was a piece of crap towards. But she and her family won't speak to me right now and I don't know what to do to make amends and to not lose her.

I don't know how to get her to speak to me again because I've been trying and she's just been ignoring me. I feel like I can't tell her I'm going to commit CTB if she doesn't come back because that's manipulative so I'm just keeping it to myself. But honestly I'm 34 years old and she is the love of my life and I cannot keep making mistakes so I'm taking full accountability. And I just want her to believe in me I want her to love me again if she ever stopped. And I don't know how to go about this and I'm really scared to overthink it or to be too clingy or to just not give her enough space etc. Any advice is appreciated other than telling me to let her go because respectfully, that would break me in ways that I'm not ever wanting to go through a second time I have honestly already attempted and ordered something off of a recommendation here. I'm ready to kick the bucket but I'm also ready to live for her. So please consider this serious and actually help me with guidance

Offer to go to counseling with her. Live for you… not her.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Ay man, it's usually too late when we realize. But you gotta settle with the fact she may not come back. Like I said, send her the message and let it sit. Harassing her through text and phone calls or whatever you're doing is likely not going to work. Whatever grand gesture or answer you're looking for doesn't exist. I know that I probably sound like a dick but I don't want to lead you on or give you false hope. Keep up with the house, don't do it to be performative or show it off. Do it for yourself. And, if she doesn't want to come back, divorce and get 50/50 custody. Have her Wednesday -Friday with pick up being Saturday. Participate in her schooling and provide for her. Go to her games, etc.

How did you lose your 4 other kids though?? Also the phrase

"And respectfully, I'm trying. so if she wants to be the one to kill me, she can. You don't understand how it feels. But I'm tired of being me."

Makes you sound like a shithead. Manipulative train of thought.

I choose to hurt myself instead of hurting her so frankly shit head or not, just cuz y'all want to break hearts and the destroy families but act like men are not allowed to retaliate hurt is wild.

I made my mistakes. But I have no obligation to play by anyone else's rules and that is the sad reality a lot of women have to face. I'm just a monster right? That's why everyone says right? It's never me being pushed too far right? Whatever.
If there was a god who'd listen I'd be home by now.

Offer to go to counseling with her. Live for you… not her.

Well honestly, I'm losing the thing that means the most in the world for me and not one person will tell her to calm down and wait two weeks so yeah I'm a little wanting to end my life. But again, it's always what the woman wants never what is best for her daughter and her husband and her. We wouldn't be unhappy if we didn't spiral out of control together. But it falls on me so I'm just going to end myself so that everyone else is happy without me. Good parenting mom.

 

[NZkiwi]

<3

Sorry a bit tired today so can't reply properly
I just hope you're well

 

[Chili]

I choose to hurt myself instead of hurting her so frankly shit head or not, just cuz y'all want to break hearts and the destroy families but act like men are not allowed to retaliate hurt is wild.

I made my mistakes. But I have no obligation to play by anyone else's rules and that is the sad reality a lot of women have to face. I'm just a monster right? That's why everyone says right? It's never me being pushed too far right? Whatever.
If there was a god who'd listen I'd be home by now.

Well honestly, I'm losing the thing that means the most in the world for me and not one person will tell her to calm down and wait two weeks so yeah I'm a little wanting to end my life. But again, it's always what the woman wants never what is best for her daughter and her husband and her. We wouldn't be unhappy if we didn't spiral out of control together. But it falls on me so I'm just going to end myself so that everyone else is happy without me. Good parenting mom.

It's not "act like men are allowed to retaliate". What is done is done. You can't force someone to come back and everything to be okay. Even if she DID come back, things are not going to be the same as before. And, the fact you feel like you have to hurt yourself out of fear of /instead of hurting her is a serious problem. Y'all both did what you did. Who is right? Who knows. And, again, what the woman wants is crazy. Take care of your damn kid, regardless if you're not in a relationship. You think staying in a toxic relationship is going to be good for your child? LMAO no? So be happy with your 50/50 custody and split time-sharing and take care of your daughter. Take her to school, spend time with her. Go fishing, play video games. Or pay child support on time, idk what you want man. None of this negates your ability to be a good father, your choices right now and later do.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

It's not "act like men are allowed to retaliate". What is done is done. You can't force someone to come back and everything to be okay. Even if she DID come back, things are not going to be the same as before. And, the fact you feel like you have to hurt yourself out of fear of /instead of hurting her is a serious problem. Y'all both did what you did. Who is right? Who knows. And, again, what the woman wants is crazy. Take care of your damn kid, regardless if you're not in a relationship. You think staying in a toxic relationship is going to be good for your child? LMAO no? So be happy with your 50/50 custody and split time-sharing and take care of your daughter. Take her to school, spend time with her. Go fishing, play video games. Or pay child support on time, idk what you want man. None of this negates your ability to be a good father, your choices right now and later do.

We were not toxic outside of our extreme fights. I think you're projecting a little too much on to the situation. If we did not have amazing good times I would not try to salvage this myself. So instead of trying to promote the destruction of marriage and family how about you actually consider why it matters so much to me? Maybe she's my whole fucking world and you're being really inconsiderate. Just cuz you've never actually loved someone enough to fight for them doesn't mean that every other man is a quitter like you.

 

[Chili]

We were not toxic outside of our extreme fights. I think you're projecting a little too much on to the situation. If we did not have amazing good times I would not try to salvage this myself. So instead of trying to promote the destruction of marriage and family how about you actually consider why it matters so much to me? Maybe she's my whole fucking world and you're being really inconsiderate. Just cuz you've never actually loved someone enough to fight for them doesn't mean that every other man is a quitter like you.

I'm a woman. The things you're typing would keep me far, far away from any sort of relationship with you. I'm telling you that if you want to salvage anything, you have to knock it off. You can disagree, but I don't think it's "quitting." You can think and feel how you want, but if I broke up with my partner and they had stated something to the effect of, 'If I kill myself, it'll be your fault,' AND I had a daughter with them, I would A. Never go back and B. Get a restraining order because what are you going to do to my child? Mind you, I hope she never finds this post, but your knee-jerk reaction to this tells me a little bit about how the relationship has been going (not great, due to both of y'all's faults). Maybe that's projection, like you say, but my man.

Most relationships have good parts and have bad parts. Sometimes the good sticks out more than the bad. Marriage is a huge deal, yeah, so it probably would matter quite a lot to both of you. I'm not saying it doesn't. But don't text her incessantly and harass her. Let things calm down for a little bit. You're not going to take a magic pill that's going to make this whole situation go away; it's done.

What's most important here is your child. Your daughter is more important than your relationship, and her mother would agree. Whatever happens in the relationship, you still have a FAMILY. You have a daughter.

At the end of the day, you wanted advice. I gave mine. You don't have to like it and I still think like you sound like a terrible partner w some of the phrasing you've sprinkled in here.