LXXCH
angelmaker
- Apr 3, 2024
- 63
I can't do this anymore, my plans were to wait until July so I don't inconvenience anyone in my life with my death but I can't wait any longer. I can't breathe anymore. I decided to make today a "me" day, I plan on dressing in my favorite outfit, going to get my favorite food, and go to the spot where I'll die.
Here's some things about me, so I don't die a stranger to everyone here.
mods, if you're reading this please wait a couple days before banning my account
Here's some things about me, so I don't die a stranger to everyone here.
When my mom and dad were together they were both huge on drugs, alcohol and loved to party- which makes some since because they were 19-20 when they had me. When I was about 5, I had gotten my own room on the other side of the house and since my sister was super little she stayed in my parents room.
Well during these "parties" they had they always invited this man and he would come to my room (since it was far away and no one cld see who enters) while everyone was doing whatever it was, but to spare the graphicness of it all, I'm sure I don't have to explain what happened alone with me and that man.
To make it even better, my dad gotten really close to this guy and then we would go over to his house often. The man had a son who was the same age as me and sadly he was subjected to the same abuse by his father as I was because he also would get "physical" with me.
Well, my dad started to have an affair with the dudes wife and caused my mom to leave him. We moved far away from my dad, and only started seeing him on weekends. So then after some time I told my mom about it, but I'm not sure if she believed me because she called my dad and they argued. My mom ended up pretending I never said anything to her about the abuse and my dad had cut contact with me.
It didn't take long for my mom to never be home and for me to start taking care of my sister. I was very lonely during this time and saw the pics of my dad and his new family and wished me and my sister could be apart of that too. Then not too long later, my dad sends me a text asking about seeing us, I remember how happy I felt thinking he was going to come save us. I also swore to myself to not ruin anything with him and to never bring up the abuse again so we can be happy.
I had learned quickly that life's a fucking joke. He was on heavy drugs and still resented me for trying to make him the bad guy and that his "home boy" would never do something like that because he had kids of his own and so on. But one thing about him was, he really loved my little sister. He was almost the perfect dad to her (and still is) but it crushed me knowing I was only in the way, so I stopped going for a bit until my sister started asking me to go with her again. So to spend less time with me, my dad would give me benadryl to make me go to sleep while he was doing things with my sister using the excuse that "I was too sick to come".
I understood well that he didn't want me there after being "drugged" multiple times, so then I cut contact with him when I was around 12. Time jump to 2017, I was finally disowned by my dad but he kept my sister as his child. This was probably the worst year of my life, because around 2017 my mom started losing her shit because of drug and alcohol abuse. She had brought multiple men into our home and would have sex in open places of the house during the day (kitchen, living room, etc.) while me and my sister were at home. I tried my best to protect my sister from witnessing that by keeping her in my room and throwing "anithon nights" where me and my sister would binge watch an anime together and eat sandwiches. Of course I couldn't always prevent my sister from seeing things, and my sister would scream and things would escalate quickly with my mom getting violent towards us. Luckily some justice was served because she was arrested for a DWI and had gotten on probation and she became clean (ish) she's currently in prison as I'm typing this, but she's a lot better than what she was and now has an okay relationship with my sister.
Of course there's other things to mention and besides I am also at fault, I was a terrible older sister most of the time. I used to take it out on my sister constantly and I have tons of guilt for the things that I've done. I apologized to her but I'll never forgive myself for the way I also subjected her to abuse when she was going through so much as it was. I'm also an awful daughter to my mom, I know that she feels guilty for everything and wants a new start. I do love my mom, but I can't forget what happened.
Well during these "parties" they had they always invited this man and he would come to my room (since it was far away and no one cld see who enters) while everyone was doing whatever it was, but to spare the graphicness of it all, I'm sure I don't have to explain what happened alone with me and that man.
To make it even better, my dad gotten really close to this guy and then we would go over to his house often. The man had a son who was the same age as me and sadly he was subjected to the same abuse by his father as I was because he also would get "physical" with me.
Well, my dad started to have an affair with the dudes wife and caused my mom to leave him. We moved far away from my dad, and only started seeing him on weekends. So then after some time I told my mom about it, but I'm not sure if she believed me because she called my dad and they argued. My mom ended up pretending I never said anything to her about the abuse and my dad had cut contact with me.
It didn't take long for my mom to never be home and for me to start taking care of my sister. I was very lonely during this time and saw the pics of my dad and his new family and wished me and my sister could be apart of that too. Then not too long later, my dad sends me a text asking about seeing us, I remember how happy I felt thinking he was going to come save us. I also swore to myself to not ruin anything with him and to never bring up the abuse again so we can be happy.
I had learned quickly that life's a fucking joke. He was on heavy drugs and still resented me for trying to make him the bad guy and that his "home boy" would never do something like that because he had kids of his own and so on. But one thing about him was, he really loved my little sister. He was almost the perfect dad to her (and still is) but it crushed me knowing I was only in the way, so I stopped going for a bit until my sister started asking me to go with her again. So to spend less time with me, my dad would give me benadryl to make me go to sleep while he was doing things with my sister using the excuse that "I was too sick to come".
I understood well that he didn't want me there after being "drugged" multiple times, so then I cut contact with him when I was around 12. Time jump to 2017, I was finally disowned by my dad but he kept my sister as his child. This was probably the worst year of my life, because around 2017 my mom started losing her shit because of drug and alcohol abuse. She had brought multiple men into our home and would have sex in open places of the house during the day (kitchen, living room, etc.) while me and my sister were at home. I tried my best to protect my sister from witnessing that by keeping her in my room and throwing "anithon nights" where me and my sister would binge watch an anime together and eat sandwiches. Of course I couldn't always prevent my sister from seeing things, and my sister would scream and things would escalate quickly with my mom getting violent towards us. Luckily some justice was served because she was arrested for a DWI and had gotten on probation and she became clean (ish) she's currently in prison as I'm typing this, but she's a lot better than what she was and now has an okay relationship with my sister.
Of course there's other things to mention and besides I am also at fault, I was a terrible older sister most of the time. I used to take it out on my sister constantly and I have tons of guilt for the things that I've done. I apologized to her but I'll never forgive myself for the way I also subjected her to abuse when she was going through so much as it was. I'm also an awful daughter to my mom, I know that she feels guilty for everything and wants a new start. I do love my mom, but I can't forget what happened.
I originally planned on partial hanging and realized that method wasn't for me. So my now method is to load a generator into the back of my car and drive off to a remote area near where I live and ctb in my car listening to nostalgic songs.
I hate my current living situation. I'm lonely because I could never make time for friends and I'm constantly working and taking care of my sister and animals. However, I do love my job as a professional piercer, but the pay is shit and I can barely make enough to make ends meet.
I lost all my friends years ago and the few I still keep in contact with had moved hours away and started their own lives, which I'm happy about for them. I'm just extremely jealous of them though, they're in love and able to work towards their dream careers.
I just wish I could have a life like that and be happy but because of my past, love is something I never experienced. And honestly, I don't think it's something I will ever experience in this life. It's weird finally coming to terms with the fact that maybe I was just never supposed to experience it and I also wish that I was given the chance to be able to go to college and become a teacher and help kids.
Yes, I know that can still technically happen but I'm so tired now and I see no point in continuing.
I hate my body and I care so much about other peoples approval and constantly overthink everything because I'm scared I'll cause someone to hate me. I also have scars all over me and I hate the side eyes I get when I go out in public, it's all so irritating. I can't do anymore, I'm tired of being alone and not having my own life.
I feel like I'm too sensitive for this world, I get overwhelmed too easily and cry often. I can't get out of my head either, I can't tell if I'm real or if my emotions are mine. It's so exhausting and I don't want to live somewhere so cruel and lonely.
I lost all my friends years ago and the few I still keep in contact with had moved hours away and started their own lives, which I'm happy about for them. I'm just extremely jealous of them though, they're in love and able to work towards their dream careers.
I just wish I could have a life like that and be happy but because of my past, love is something I never experienced. And honestly, I don't think it's something I will ever experience in this life. It's weird finally coming to terms with the fact that maybe I was just never supposed to experience it and I also wish that I was given the chance to be able to go to college and become a teacher and help kids.
Yes, I know that can still technically happen but I'm so tired now and I see no point in continuing.
I hate my body and I care so much about other peoples approval and constantly overthink everything because I'm scared I'll cause someone to hate me. I also have scars all over me and I hate the side eyes I get when I go out in public, it's all so irritating. I can't do anymore, I'm tired of being alone and not having my own life.
I feel like I'm too sensitive for this world, I get overwhelmed too easily and cry often. I can't get out of my head either, I can't tell if I'm real or if my emotions are mine. It's so exhausting and I don't want to live somewhere so cruel and lonely.
My sister once told me a really cute story when she was like 4 about her past life before I was her big sister, and she told me about all these things that she did before she died. She started crying at some point because my mom thought it was cute and funny when my sister was telling the story, but I remember how she looked at me and asked me to believe her and so I told her I did.
So here I am hoping to have a new start like she did. If she's right, and there is an after life.. I hope to come back "normal" and have a happy life, I want to be a teacher and a mother in my next life. If not, I'm okay with the forever peace of never having to feel like this or feel anything again.
So here I am hoping to have a new start like she did. If she's right, and there is an after life.. I hope to come back "normal" and have a happy life, I want to be a teacher and a mother in my next life. If not, I'm okay with the forever peace of never having to feel like this or feel anything again.
thank you to all the people I got to talk to on here, especially the people I managed to get really close to and consider an actual friend. I know it sounds selfish of me, but I wish y'all the best and only do this if it's your last chance of happiness.
mods, if you're reading this please wait a couple days before banning my account
Last edited:
