My mom called me a cancer

[sserafim]

That's really shitty, Jesus. Parents seem to want the "best" for their kids, but they go about expressing it in the worst ways humanly possible.

I'm sorry that happened to you. So ideally, she wants you to get a job AND move out AND be independent all relatively soon?? That feels like an insane amount of expectations, and mega unrealistic.

My psychiatrist sent her info about this autism career services/search program recruiting for talent. She wants me to apply for it. She forced me to apply for it before but I got rejected lol

 

[letsgetittogo]

It's understandable that she doesn't want to support you forever. You are an adult, and at some point you become responsible for supporting yourself. She could - and should - have expressed herself better, but perhaps she was just feeling frustrated.
I think you have to face the fact that at some point you must either accept adult responsibilities, or take the other route. The choice is yours. You won't be able to put off that choice forever, and judging from how your mother seems to be feeling you may not be able to put it off much longer.
I have already suggested what I think is your best way forward. Get out into the world for a year or so, and see how it goes. If it's a success, that's great. If it's a disaster, you can choose to ctb at the end of it, knowing that you tried your best to make life succeed.

this is extremely well said. I agree wholeheartedly, only because I always advocate for independence and autonomy, especially in regards to mental health

My psychiatrist sent her info about this autism career service/search program recruiting for talent. She wants me to apply for it. She forced me to apply for it before but I got rejected lol

is there any type of employment that you would tolerate? Even if it's just to buy yourself time to clear your head / be away from toxicity?
I understand it's all pointless, I feel the same way too, so regardless of how you feel, I'd get it

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Parents tend to operate on this basic premise of wanting to see their kids thrive, and when they don't, they get all squirrely. It's probably too simplistic to call your mother a piece of shit or whatever - clearly her approach is hurtful, but the underlying problem is that she wants you to succeed and make it on your own merits.

Part of the issue is that we have a lot of people now who feel underwhelmed with life. They just want to give up, and many have the feeling that they never wanted to be here in the first place. So then kids are brought into the world, but they grow up feeling unmotivated and disenchanted with everything.

The world now appears difficult and complicated to many people. It's like while our basic needs are almost always covered, we feel unfulfilled and not incentivized to really go out there and "make it". Part of that is the rising cost of living, but it's also that as a species, I feel we're sort of evolving towards needing something more than a nice house, car, money, etc.

Anyway, I'm sorry to read of this situation. I hope she eases up on you and that you can both navigate it with a bit more tact and nuance.

 

[derpyderpins]

I guess so

I'm scared of being independent though. I don't want to be on my own. By the way, a while back, my mom said that I should go to live in our other apartment (which is empty, no one lives there) to learn independent living and how to be self-sufficient. I should have taken her up on that offer. It's much better than going to a group home (which is what my psychiatrist suggested)

It definitely will be a big change, so I understand being scared. The flip side is: it's a big change, which seems to be exactly what is required. The worst thing that happens is you at least get a break from your mom and she gets a break from you before you have to come home again because it didn't work out. She may even be easier on you afterwards for trying.

Do they still have the other apartment? She'd probably agree if you said you reconsidered and want to try. She's also grasping for a possible solution.

 

[sserafim]

this is extremely well said. I agree wholeheartedly, only because I always advocate for independence and autonomy, especially in regards to mental health

is there any type of employment that you would tolerate? Even if it's just to buy yourself time to clear your head / be away from toxicity?
I understand it's all pointless, I feel the same way too, so regardless of how you feel, I'd get it

No, there's no type of employment that I would tolerate. Work is modern day slavery, and I want no part in it. People don't like me comparing it to slavery though, but the truth is that you have to work and labor to survive (if you don't ctb before you have to). There's a reason why Human Resources is called "resources": because people are just human capital. At the end of the day, "we're all whores, we just sell different parts of ourselves."

 

[letsgetittogo]

No, there's no type of employment that I would tolerate. Work is modern day slavery, and I want no part in it. People don't like me comparing it to slavery though, but the truth is that you have to work and labor to survive. At the end of the day, "we're all whores, we just sell different parts of ourselves"

I get it, this is a really delicate situation to navigate. I think a lot of the other users have also worded things more eloquently than me, but I'd say being away from your mom would end up being really helpful to you.
It's more so a matter of how to make that happen

 

[tbroken]

Let me ask you something. Do you still want something from life? If yes, do you want to stay at home or do you want to try to go out and experience something different?

 

[sserafim]

It definitely will be a big change, so I understand being scared. The flip side is: it's a big change, which seems to be exactly what is required. The worst thing that happens is you at least get a break from your mom and she gets a break from you before you have to come home again because it didn't work out. She may even be easier on you afterwards for trying.

Do they still have the other apartment? She'd probably agree if you said you reconsidered and want to try. She's also grasping for a possible solution.

Yeah, we still have it. It's empty. Originally she intended it for my sister, but then she suggested that I should go live there. She made a comment about it in passing. I'm not sure if she changed her mind about it though

Let me ask you something. Do you still want something from life? If yes, do you want to stay at home or do you want to try to go out and experience something different?

I don't want anything from life. Nothing about or in life interests me. I'd be okay with dying right now, but unfortunately ctb is a big risk that has consequences, and I don't want to fail. If euthanasia were legal I would be dead already though. I feel like I might be forced to live because I'm scared of attempting ctb

 

[derpyderpins]

No, there's no type of employment that I would tolerate. Work is modern day slavery, and I want no part in it. People don't like me comparing it to slavery though, but the truth is that you have to work and labor to survive (if you don't ctb before you have to). There's a reason why Human Resources is called "resources": because people are just human capital. At the end of the day, "we're all whores, we just sell different parts of ourselves"

I'm not going to fight you on the "slavery" characterization. It's fair, or at least supportable.

But, if that's your sole reason for not trying, I have to give some tough love and say you need to grin and bear it. Defeating capitalism can't rest solely on your shoulders, and you can't help if you're dead. Plus, we're on step 1 or 2 right now. Defeating capitalism has to be step like 15 or something.

You deserve to not feel this miserable. You should be better to yourself. So, yes, working sucks, and working in the modern system might be evil to an extent, but if you come home at the end of the day and can actually breath because there's no mom calling you cancer at your new home, then that relief on your mental health is worth it. Then you can move onto what you need after that. Right now, you need to pull this plane out of the tailspin.

 

[Malaria]

I'm so sorry. I've had my mother say similar things to me under sorta similar circumstances. Some of the things she's said to me follow me wherever I go, even if these were things that were said years ago. She's never truly apologized and I doubt she ever will. I think she feels justified in saying these things to me. Even so, it made a lasting impact on me and some things never leave you. I remember one time she said something so hurtful to me, it triggered a mental breakdown and my suicidal ideation and led me to being involuntarily hospitalized a second time. Again, no apology, no nothing. And then people wonder why I'm so self loathing.

 

[sserafim]

I'm not going to fight you on the "slavery" characterization. It's fair, or at least supportable.

But, if that's your sole reason for not trying, I have to give some tough love and say you need to grin and bear it. Defeating capitalism can't rest solely on your shoulders, and you can't help if you're dead. Plus, we're on step 1 or 2 right now. Defeating capitalism has to be step like 15 or something.

You deserve to not feel this miserable. You should be better to yourself. So, yes, working sucks, and working in the modern system might be evil to an extent, but if you come home at the end of the day and can actually breath because there's no mom calling you cancer at your new home, then that relief on your mental health is worth it. Then you can move onto what you need after that. Right now, you need to pull this plane out of the tailspin.

I just don't feel like adulthood or the rest of my life is worth living. I never even wanted to become an adult or live out a full life anyways. I always thought that I would die before 18 somehow. I never wanted to have to be a real adult. Adulthood seems like so much struggle with no gain or reward. You get nothing out of it, yet you spend your whole life working. I don't see the payoff. It seems so pointless and meaningless. I also don't want to get old or go through old age. I've always felt like I was meant to die young

 

[derpyderpins]

I just don't feel like adulthood is worth living for me. I never even wanted to become an adult anyways. I always thought that I would die before 18 somehow. I never wanted to have to be a real adult. Adulthood seems like so much struggle with no gain or reward. You get nothing out of it yet you spend your whole life working

I hear you. I'm still surprised I'm alive, tbh. I'm on this forum, so clearly I think you should have the right to end it if you want. But, (1) it seems like there is potential for your life to turn into something worth living, and - far more importantly - (2) you aren't ctb right now, and you're currently alive. You are living adulthood right now, so you should try to make it the least-bad possible. Even if you ctb in the end, there's no reason to be under constant mental stress right now.

 

[letsgetittogo]

I just don't feel like adulthood is worth living for me. I never even wanted to become an adult anyways. I always thought that I would die before 18 somehow. I never wanted to have to be a real adult. Adulthood seems like so much struggle with no gain or reward. You get nothing out of it yet you spend your whole life working. I don't see the payoff. I also don't want to get old or go through old age

We might have to do the N plans sooner :/

I hear you. I'm still surprised I'm alive, tbh. I'm on this forum, so clearly I think you should have the right to end it if you want. But, (1) it seems like there is potential for your life to turn into something worth living, and - far more importantly - (2) you aren't ctb right now, and you're currently alive. You are living adulthood right now, so you should try to make it the least-bad possible. Even if you ctb in the end, there's no reason to be under constant mental stress right now

This. Despite the fact that I'm violently suicidal I've ended up living my life in a very career focused way, to the point where I make really good money. Even though it's pointless and it's slavery, and even though it hasn't made me NOT suicidal, it's still made my life better

 

[sserafim]

We might have to do the N plans sooner :/

This. Despite the fact that I'm violently suicidal I've ended up living my life in a very career focused way, to the point where I make really good money. Even though it's pointless and it's slavery, and even though it hasn't made me NOT suicidal, it's still made my life better

I'm ready whenever you are. How has it made your life better?

I hear you. I'm still surprised I'm alive, tbh. I'm on this forum, so clearly I think you should have the right to end it if you want. But, (1) it seems like there is potential for your life to turn into something worth living, and - far more importantly - (2) you aren't ctb right now, and you're currently alive. You are living adulthood right now, so you should try to make it the least-bad possible. Even if you ctb in the end, there's no reason to be under constant mental stress right now.

I don't think that my life will be ever worth living. Life under capitalism is not worth living. It's not a life if you have to work just to survive. You're not living; you're just surviving. I want no part in this exploitative system or society. I want out

Your mum is cruel as hell. She first procreates knowing the risks and responsibilities that she'll have by doing so and now she's getting pissed over you despite making you alive in the first place? I hate how cruel some parents can be. Also, I relate to life being like a cancer to me. If I had a choice to be aborted, I'd take it immediately as I never wanted to live to begin with

The only reason why she had children was a retirement plan as well as a trophy to show off to others. She wants *me* to take care of and provide for her when she gets old. Asian parents and culture (especially Chinese) basically view children as slaves and servants to their parents as well as show ponies to brag about. Asian parents live through the successes and achievements of their children (because they have no life lol).

Life is a cancer. I would also have chosen to be aborted. I never wanted to live anyways. I was brought into existence without a say in the matter. It's not fair

 

[derpyderpins]

I'm ready whenever you are. How has it made your life better?

I don't think that my life will be ever worth living. Life under capitalism is not worth living. It's not a life if you have to work just to survive. You're not living; you're just surviving. I want no part in this exploitative system or society. I want out

That's fine. I could be wrong about point (1), because sure I've read a lot of your posts but I can never fully understand your feelings, but point (2) still stands. Why not try to minimize your pain while you plan ctb? There are many different levels of struggling and "just surviving". It would probably be easier to pull off ctb if you were living alone.

 

[sserafim]

That's fine. I could be wrong about point (1), because sure I've read a lot of your posts but I can never fully understand your feelings, but point (2) still stands. Why not try to minimize your pain while you plan ctb? There are many different levels of struggling and "just surviving". It would probably be easier to pull off ctb if you were living alone.

Why can't you fully understand my feelings? The whole point of me wanting to ctb is to escape having to work for a living. I'm a NEET right now, and it's a chill existence. I basically do nothing all day, and I enjoy it. I have no responsibilities or obligations except for chores. My mom says that this "isn't enough", and that I should and need to do more, but I don't care.

However, I have the threat of being cast out and forced to survive on my own. My mom intimidates and threatens me with this. She wants me to apply for the autism program. If I don't apply for it, then she'll stop supporting me and I'll have to be on my own. I'm basically forced into this against my will; it's like a carte blanche

 

[ijustwishtodie]

The only reason why she had children was a retirement plan as well as a trophy to show off to others. She wants *me* to take care of and provide for her when she gets old. Asian parents and culture (especially Chinese) basically view the children as slaves and servants to their parents as well as show ponies to brag about. Asian parents live through the successes and achievements of their children (because they have no life lol).

I would also have chosen to be aborted. I never wanted to live anyways. I was brought into existence without a say in the matter. It's not fair

My parents gave birth to me for the reason as your parents gave birth to you. However, it backfired immensely on them because they gave birth to 3 children in total and my sister is unable to take care of my parents due to her chronic pain whereas I'm unable to take care of my parents due to my autism and inability to take care of myself. There's also my brother but he's still very young so I'm not sure how it will turn out in the future but, as of right now, my parent's plans are backfiring. Recently they were crying in tears over how they think they nobody will take care of them during old age and I don't really have any empathy for them. They should be ready for the consequences that can occur from procreating as they brought this upon themselves

 

[sserafim]

My parents gave birth to me for the reason as your parents gave birth to you. However, it backfired immensely on them because they gave birth to 3 children in total and my sister is unable to take care of my parents due to her chronic pain whereas I'm unable to take care of my parents due to my autism and inability to take care of myself. There's also my brother but he's still very young so I'm not sure how it will turn out in the future but, as of right now, my parent's plans are backfiring. Recently they were crying in tears over how they think they nobody will take care of them during old age and I don't really have any empathy for them. They should be ready for the consequences that can occur from procreating as they brought this upon themselves

My parents have my sister (who will be successful), so I don't care if I ctb. She can provide for them instead. It's not my responsibility. Also, even if I didn't have a sister, it still wouldn't be my responsibility to take care of my parents. I don't owe them anything. They chose to give birth to me. I'm not indebted to them

 

[derpyderpins]

Why can't you fully understand my feelings?

I can relate, and get really close. A lot of what you post reminds me of how I've felt at certain points, and I connect with it, which I guess is why I'm being pushy. I empathize, and see a younger me struggling. Still, every situation is unique, and even if I get 99% there, it's your life, so I can give my take on things, but I shouldn't try to tell you I know exactly what you're going through. It would be a lie, and one of my rules for talking with suicidal people is don't lie or exaggerate. I lived with an overbearing mother whose expectations messed me up, but I didn't live with your mother in your house, so my experiences and suggested courses of action are not absolute.

I'm a NEET right now, and it's a chill existence. I basically do nothing all day, and I enjoy it. I have no responsibilities or obligations except for chores.

Well, if you enjoy your life, you're fine, but that's not the impression I got. Personally, when I was unemployed and living with my mother, whose presence fills me to the brim with anxiety, it was admittedly nice to not have to work. I fucking hate work. Still, I'd take having my freedom and working to being on edge all the time trapped with her (feeling guilty about not doing better by most people's definitions, feeling bad about myself for not getting hired, feeling like my room was not "my" space). But, as I said, I'm not you, so your needs may be different.

 

[letsgetittogo]

I'm ready whenever you are. How has it made your life better?

I don't think that my life will be ever worth living. Life under capitalism is not worth living. It's not a life if you have to work just to survive. You're not living; you're just surviving. I want no part in this exploitative system or society. I want out

The only reason why she had children was a retirement plan as well as a trophy to show off to others. She wants *me* to take care of and provide for her when she gets old. Asian parents and culture (especially Chinese) basically view children as slaves and servants to their parents as well as show ponies to brag about. Asian parents live through the successes and achievements of their children (because they have no life lol).

Life is a cancer. I would also have chosen to be aborted. I never wanted to live anyways. I was brought into existence without a say in the matter. It's not fair

It's made my life better because it's provided me with a lot of security. I don't have to worry about bills or rent or utilities. I don't worry about homelessness or doctor's bills and such. It makes it so that I can "rot in peace" in a way LMAO

It also buys a lot of pleasures too. I'm suicidal, but I still like to get jewelry and clothes and tech and I like to drive a nice car. Those kinds of materialistic things fill my heart at least a LITTLE bit.

I can rot In peace usually, that's the biggest thing

 

[sserafim]

I can relate, and get really close. A lot of what you post reminds me of how I've felt at certain points, and I connect with it, which I guess is why I'm being pushy. I empathize, and see a younger me struggling. Still, every situation is unique, and even if I get 99% there, it's your life, so I can give my take on things, but I shouldn't try to tell you I know exactly what you're going through. It would be a lie, and one of my rules for talking with suicidal people is don't lie or exaggerate. I lived with an overbearing mother whose expectations messed me up, but I didn't live with your mother in your house, so my experiences and suggested courses of action are not absolute.


Well, if you enjoy your life, you're fine, but that's not the impression I got. Personally, when I was unemployed and living with my mother, whose presence fills me to the brim with anxiety, it was admittedly nice to not have to work. I fucking hate work. Still, I'd take having my freedom. But, as I said, I'm not you, so your needs may be different.

I enjoy my life but not how she threatens me and wants to kick me out. I have a lot of stress over this and I think she's growing frustrated with and annoyed at me. Like another poster said, "something's gotta give." Hopefully I will be dead before this happens

 

[ijustwishtodie]

My parents have my sister (who will be successful), so I don't care if I ctb. She can provide for them instead. It's not my responsibility. Also, even if I didn't have a sister, it still wouldn't be my responsibility to take care of my parents. I don't owe them anything. They chose to give birth to me. I'm not indebted to them

I also think that it isn't my responsibility to take care of my parents. After all, I never asked to be here to begin with and I'd rather be dead than be alive. I don't owe my parents anything as I don't remember consenting to existence to begin with. It's absolutely wild as to how some people think that we should have an obligation to a specific thing in life because we were born. The pro lifer mindset sounds illogical to me

 

[Malaria]

It's absolutely wild as to how some people think that we should have an obligation to a specific thing in life because we were born.

That's that classic Asian "filial piety" thing for ya. Thanks, Confucius...

 

[lnlybnny]

i can totally relate, i'm a burden to my parents too, even at 29. my father even talked about me behind my back to my mom, saying he doesn't have any obligations with me anymore, and a whole lot of awful things which made me feel even worse. they really don't care about our mental health. i'm sure they would be so relieved when i finally ctb. i can feel through their looks how much of a failure they think i am, and the nasty thoughts they must have about me. it disgusts me so much bc i never volunteered to be here in the first place. why couldn't they have used a fucking condom or something? and now it's all my fault and they have all these expectations upon me... it's overwhelming

 

[derpyderpins]

I enjoy my life but not how she threatens me and wants to kick me out. I have a lot of stress over this and I think she's growing frustrated with and annoyed at me. Like another poster said, "something's gotta give." Hopefully I will be dead before this happens

So see, to me, it's a balance of:

1. I can do what I want all day but my mom gives me a lot of anxiety; or
2. I can't do what I want all day, but I can do what I want some of the day without my mom piling on anxiety.

and I guess my point is you haven't really tried 2, but are dismissing it.

 

[sserafim]

It's made my life better because it's provided me with a lot of security. I don't have to worry about bills or rent or utilities. I don't worry about homelessness or doctor's bills and such. It makes it so that I can "rot in peace" in a way LMAO

It also buys a lot of pleasures too. I'm suicidal, but I still like to get jewelry and clothes and tech and I like to drive a nice car. Those kinds of materialistic things fill my heart at least a LITTLE bit.

I can rot In peace usually, that's the biggest thing

I don't care about material pleasures

By the way, my uncle just called me due to the earthquake lol and asked me why I don't go live in my country house. Maybe I should go there and have some time away from my mom.

My mom said that "true/actually disabled people want and would accept help" and that I'm "not disabled, just lazy". I was clinically diagnosed with Asperger's aka autism level 1, ADHD and social anxiety, so I *am* disabled, although I don't like to call myself this.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

That's that classic Asian "filial piety" thing for ya. Thanks, Confucius...

I hate filial piety. I don't understand how anybody thought that this is a good concept. This is a concept that can, and has, get easily abused by parents to use it to their advantage

2. I can't do what I want all day, but I can do what I want some of the day without my mom piling on anxiety.

How much is "some of the day" exactly?

 

[sserafim]

So see, to me, it's a balance of:

1. I can do what I want all day but my mom gives me a lot of anxiety; or
2. I can't do what I want all day, but I can do what I want some of the day without my mom piling on anxiety.

and I guess my point is you haven't really tried 2, but are dismissing it.

Why would you do things that you don't want to do? Why would you want to not be able to do what you want all day?

 

[derpyderpins]

I don't want anything from life. Nothing about or in life interests me.

Didn't respond to this earlier, but:

I don't believe you. You feel way too strongly about your crush for that to be true. That's your heart saying you want something. You're a passionate person deep down.

Why would you do things that you don't want to do? Why would you want to not be able to do what you want all day?

(1) so I can do things I do want to do with my little bit of free time. Such things exist. Life generally sucks, but it doesn't mean a walk holding my SO's hand doesn't feel good, or that I'm not less sad when she holds me at night.
(2) To avoid the bad feelings in the alternative: anxiety, guilt, uneasiness at not being in control of my future (it can always get worse).

 

[sserafim]

i can totally relate, i'm a burden to my parents too, even at 29. my father even talked about me behind my back to my mom, saying he doesn't have any obligations with me anymore, and a whole lot of awful things which made me feel even worse. they really don't care about our mental health. i'm sure they would be so relieved when i finally ctb. i can feel through their looks how much of a failure they think i am, and the nasty thoughts they must have about me. it disgusts me so much bc i never volunteered to be here in the first place. why couldn't they have used a fucking condom or something? and now it's all my fault and they have all these expectations upon me... it's overwhelming

Literally. It's not like I chose to be brought into existence. If I had a choice, I would never have chosen to be born. I would have stayed in the void forever. I'm burdened with expectations, responsibilities and obligations that I never even wanted in the first place. It's so annoying