It wasn't my first attempt but it was the first with N. This story is not going to tell you that N doesn't work, just going to tell how I failed. I took anti-emetic regimen for 2 days. Rented a hotel room. Arrived. And that was it, time to do it. But I often get nervous and anxious just before the final step, it's like trying to find the best moment to end it. I don't know why but just checking into the hotel I wasn't in mental space to do it immediately. Perhaps I needed a certain mood or perhaps I needed to contemplate one last time about my fucked up life. I don't know and I don't understand how those things work. So I thought I'll just take instead 3x10mg before the thing, when I'm ready (my anti-emetic is Maxolan) and I went for a walk. Was listening to music. Was getting into the mood for the final act. Perhaps there are people who can do it at any given opportunity, but for me wanting and begging for death and making that final leap are just completely different things.
So then, since I already was fasting but didn't do it what I came to do hunger started really kicking in. So there's a new plan, will eat now and 8 hours from now is the finale of my tragic show. Which after all and all ended up being 8 in the morning (I woke up late the day before so it looked good option).
I had honey, I had chocolate, I had whiskey, I had N. And I also decided to take xanex for my survival instincts. It's just a horrible feeling when different parts of the brain are screaming at each other, one doesn't want to live and the other can't talk but makes me tense up or fear or be anxious or do any other nasty tricks outside of my control.
I take 3x anti-emetic hour before, open N, and I am excited how it smells. I've feared bad taste, but as I pour it into a cup it smells like medical spirit. I am thinking, 'I definitely can do that'. I take out trash with the bottle of N a bit further, I take xanex. And by the time alarm clock for 1 hour rang (to drink N) I felt a bit foggy (the side affect of xanex for which I don't have tolerance). I take a generous amount of honey into a teaspoon, place it in my mouth and had a sip of N.
So, the stuff is the worst tasting thing I've ever had. It's bitter in sort of chemical way. And honey definitely helps. I took 2 or 3 sips with honey and the stuff feels so horrible that I decided to try it with chocolate to see if it would be any better. I spit it out the sip with chocolate. The honey definitely works and chocolate not. Then I take another sip with honey and start gagging. And this is the foggy part which I don't recall, if I thought that it's better not to finish full amount than to puke everything out or I decided to give some time before continuing after gagging and fell asleep. Really not sure which one of those two happened. Next thing I know someone is calling my name and telling me to wake up. I can't properly open my eyes or lift my head. 'I ask how did you get into my room?','how do you know my name?'. I can hear how slurred my speach is and I have no idea how I can remember that because even hours later some things were foggy. Eventually I have a conversation with two paramedics but I'm so off my face that I can't even properly see their faces. They take me to the hospital. Later I found out that I was found next day at 11.00 (26-27 hours later) by hotel staff. Laying in my vomit.
In hospital they essentially just tried to hydrate me, I don't remember any tube in my throat. So I am surprised that it didn't do more. Hopefully I'm not brain damaged and don;t realize yet.
So, will try again. What anti-emetic people would recommend?
I'm also surprised that there's no method that makes not taste this horrible stuff. How the f those cults do the kool aid thing? It would be nice to have the last day more pleasant rather than just persevering, trying not to puke or even worse botching up things and putting yourself in the worst place. Bizarrely enough, after all that N that I drank I have only one complication. I used to have nerve damage in one of my arms which got better and I woke up not being able to use it fully again.
Please, share if you have some good pointers.
So then, since I already was fasting but didn't do it what I came to do hunger started really kicking in. So there's a new plan, will eat now and 8 hours from now is the finale of my tragic show. Which after all and all ended up being 8 in the morning (I woke up late the day before so it looked good option).
I had honey, I had chocolate, I had whiskey, I had N. And I also decided to take xanex for my survival instincts. It's just a horrible feeling when different parts of the brain are screaming at each other, one doesn't want to live and the other can't talk but makes me tense up or fear or be anxious or do any other nasty tricks outside of my control.
I take 3x anti-emetic hour before, open N, and I am excited how it smells. I've feared bad taste, but as I pour it into a cup it smells like medical spirit. I am thinking, 'I definitely can do that'. I take out trash with the bottle of N a bit further, I take xanex. And by the time alarm clock for 1 hour rang (to drink N) I felt a bit foggy (the side affect of xanex for which I don't have tolerance). I take a generous amount of honey into a teaspoon, place it in my mouth and had a sip of N.
So, the stuff is the worst tasting thing I've ever had. It's bitter in sort of chemical way. And honey definitely helps. I took 2 or 3 sips with honey and the stuff feels so horrible that I decided to try it with chocolate to see if it would be any better. I spit it out the sip with chocolate. The honey definitely works and chocolate not. Then I take another sip with honey and start gagging. And this is the foggy part which I don't recall, if I thought that it's better not to finish full amount than to puke everything out or I decided to give some time before continuing after gagging and fell asleep. Really not sure which one of those two happened. Next thing I know someone is calling my name and telling me to wake up. I can't properly open my eyes or lift my head. 'I ask how did you get into my room?','how do you know my name?'. I can hear how slurred my speach is and I have no idea how I can remember that because even hours later some things were foggy. Eventually I have a conversation with two paramedics but I'm so off my face that I can't even properly see their faces. They take me to the hospital. Later I found out that I was found next day at 11.00 (26-27 hours later) by hotel staff. Laying in my vomit.
In hospital they essentially just tried to hydrate me, I don't remember any tube in my throat. So I am surprised that it didn't do more. Hopefully I'm not brain damaged and don;t realize yet.
So, will try again. What anti-emetic people would recommend?
I'm also surprised that there's no method that makes not taste this horrible stuff. How the f those cults do the kool aid thing? It would be nice to have the last day more pleasant rather than just persevering, trying not to puke or even worse botching up things and putting yourself in the worst place. Bizarrely enough, after all that N that I drank I have only one complication. I used to have nerve damage in one of my arms which got better and I woke up not being able to use it fully again.
Please, share if you have some good pointers.
