Rough night. I failed to resist my thoughts trying to plan for the taste of SN .

[Unsure and alone]

So I know it's stupid.
Trust me I do .
I tried to avoid it for over 4 hours before giving into my thoughts.

I gave into the part telling me this is just an experiment for when I'm ready .

I took 0.5 grams of SN dissolved in 1 ML of distilled water.

I had some of it plain.


Some of it in a spoonful of cinnamon applesauce

And then some plain followed by nibbling a Reese's egg to see how much it would take to clear the taste of it from my mouth.


I'm about an hour and 10 minutes into having done this at the moment

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be fine.



Is something wrong with me that it feels better emotionally after doing something so damn stupid ?


At least I actually did learn some more things for when it actually is time.

AMA .

I do intend to write some more about the physical stuff soon .

Just a little tired of typing at the moment.

So it will wait a little bit.

 

[DyingToDie123]

It's not stupid at all. I've done a lot of experiments myself and even though it hasn't resulted in any successful attempts yet I find them helpful.

 

[Unsure and alone]

Well it's definitely a bit different than my last experience.

 

[lnlybnny]

is the salty taste bearable? did you get any physical symptoms and what were them?

 

[Unsure and alone]

So I wondered for a bit if it was even working.

Then the racing heart started and I knew it did.

Worse than last time.
Makes sense.
I'd guess and it is a guess based on what is known .
That last time I probably ended up having 0.2

The blood pressure issues were next.

Feel pretty much fine laying down though.

I have been capable of having a conversation
the entire time.( written.)

There was some tingling and numbness next.

Enough to feel it but not stop me from doing things like typing.

I knew I needed to stay alert.

Just in case.

But something did try and make me sleep anyway.

I successfully resisted that.

Oh. I did have some nausea during part of it.

No threat of throwing up though.

I had not eaten much other than what I took the SN with for almost 12 hours .

Had 1 peanut butter bagel other than what I took the SN with in that time frame.

Now about 2 hours and 10 minutes into this.

I have a killer headache.

No racing heart.

Minor tingling.
Not much.

I am sensitive to change in sitting up , but I definitely can.

Wasn't as bad as earlier though.
I am sleepy.

Although I do believe at least some of that is the SN.


It's also insomnia city.

Somehow I don't understand how...

Somehow I left a stove burner on for hours Today.

I most definitely didn't intend to do that.

I made grilled cheese for lunch.
Even washed the pan after.

And somehow that happened.
I just can't understand how.

Last night was my first night getting more than 6 hours of sleep in probably a week.

Often getting less and or broken sleep.

Last night's sleep was still broken.
But much longer.

I did take some OTC sleep aid.
I should have taken my new prescribed sleep aid Tonight .
But I didn't because of this.

It's important to be aware of what's going on .

I'm satisfied I'm safe enough now though without medical intervention.

So time will tell what happens next.

AMA .

It's not stupid at all. I've done a lot of experiments myself and even though it hasn't resulted in any successful attempts yet I find them helpful.

I hope you find what you're looking for.
Whichever path that is.

Do you mind my asking what experiments you have done ?

is the salty taste bearable? did you get any physical symptoms and what were them?

I found the salty taste very overwhelming.
I definitely didn't like it.

Of what I tried.
I found the taking the SN straight and then nibbling the Reese's egg to work the best.

I ate the entire egg after the experiment of course.

But with willpower .
I didn't actually need much of the egg to be ready to handle taking more SN.
Did I want to taste wise ?
No.
But it would definitely have been possible to do with only barley nibbling the top of the egg.

Again using willpower though.

I was apparently writing about the physical symptoms as you asked about that .

So after reading that do you have any questions ?

 

[kaidatenn]

Kai probably tried around ~0.5g just now
Maybe less, Kai dont know. Its less than a pinch.
Kai mixed it with green tea but dont finish the green tea.
Head kinda hurts. Green tea smells kinda funny even though its a pinch or less. Kinda want to vomit now.

 

[rozeske]

I hope you are doing ok.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I hope you r doing ok. Such "experiments" are dangerous.

I drank SN and had mixed feelings after it was over.

First thing, no I will not share with anyone, in a thread or dms where I found my SN. I apologize but it's something I will never be comfortable sharing. I found the source and tested it completely on my own, so it is possible, therefore I will not share my source with anyone. Background my mom...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[Unsure and alone]

Kai probably tried around ~0.5g just now
Maybe less, Kai dont know. Its less than a pinch.
Kai mixed it with green tea but dont finish the green tea.
Head kinda hurts. Green tea smells kinda funny even though its a pinch or less. Kinda want to vomit now.

Are you referring to yourself ?

If so I hope you feel better.
Both from the SN and the reason that caused you to try that.

It's unclear how much is a definite hospital trip.
Just be careful.

And yeah I know I wasn't.
Doesn't make it any brighter of an idea.

I hope you r doing ok

Thanks. I'm doing okay.
My head is still kinda killing me .
And some pain completely unrelated to the SN.

Otherwise about five hours 30 minutes into this.
I'm feeling okay enough to not be worried about falling asleep.

Just gotta hope I do since there's not enough time left to take sleep medicine.

. Such "experiments" are dangerous.

I know. I had tried to resist my thoughts but failed.
At least I did learn something valuable for whenever this tired self maybe finally quits.

I would probably be happier if I could promise to stay for my last goal.

But obviously it's getting rather rough at times.
Oh also thankfully by a miracle whatever actually happened with the pan.

It seems like everything is okay there.
I'm feeling very blessed about that.

 

[Meteora]

I don't get the point of trying it..... I don't understand, either, why it is "too salty"... guess it could be anything I would just swallow it.

 

[kaidatenn]

Are you referring to yourself ?

If so I hope you feel better.
Both from the SN and the reason that caused you to try that.

It's unclear how much is a definite hospital trip.
Just be careful.

And yeah I know I wasn't.
Doesn't make it any brighter of an idea.

Thanks. I'm doing okay.
My head is still kinda killing me .
And some pain completely unrelated to the SN.

Otherwise about five hours 30 minutes into this.
I'm feeling okay enough to not be worried about falling asleep.

Just gotta hope I do since there's not enough time left to take sleep medicine.

I know. I had tried to resist my thoughts but failed.
At least I did learn something valuable for whenever this tired self maybe finally quits.

I would probably be happier if I could promise to stay for my last goal.

But obviously it's getting rather rough at times.
Oh also thankfully by a miracle whatever actually happened with the pan.

It seems like everything is okay there.
I'm feeling very blessed about that.

Yes Kai was referring to myself. Been some hours now, Kai experienced around the same things as you, even though not as worse. Still testing the waters, dont know but Kai cant commit just yet.

 

[Unsure and alone]

I don't get the point of trying it.....

Well honestly that wasn't smart and is probably more because of my complex emotions and an unknown need than anything else.

I don't understand, either, why it is "too salty"... guess it could be anything I would just swallow it.

This was only 2% of the full 25 mg dose.
Just swallowing it could be a bit harder than you think.

I have some concerns about forcing all of it down.
It was practical to know how I can deal with that possible issue when the time comes.


Even as it was still ill advised.
There is no such thing as a known safe dose.
It's always a risk.

I just was struggling and rolled with the risk.

I would definitely use some tricks for trying to get it all down.

like distracting the mind .

Trying to do it fast .

Trying not to taste it at all.

Yes Kai was referring to myself. Been some hours now, Kai experienced around the same things as you, even though not as worse. Still testing the waters, dont know but Kai cant commit just yet.

I'm sorry you're hurting.
I hope you find peace either way soon.
It is a hard choice to make .

 

[Abyssal]

I don't know how you were able to fight sleep, I'd give in to the abyss in an instant

 

[Unsure and alone]

I don't know how you were able to fight sleep, I'd give in to the abyss in an instant

Well the insomnia sure helps with that.
It's definitely a problem at other times though

 

[Meteora]

This was only 2% of the full 25 mg dose.
Just swallowing it could be a bit harder than you think.

Ok but did you take it with water?

have some concerns about forcing all of it down.
It was practical to know how I can deal with that possible issue when the time comes.

Yeah but you cannot try a deadly substance. Can you?

There is no such thing as a known safe dose.
It's always a risk.

Isn't there? Hm ok.

I would definitely use some tricks for trying to get it all down.

like distracting the mind .

Trying to do it fast .

Trying not to taste it at all.

Yeah like closing your nose maybe .

 

[Unsure and alone]

Ok but did you take it with water?

Yes , I used 1 ml of water .
I did make sure it completely dissolved .
2% of the recommended 50 to 100 ml water would be 1 to 2 ml .

Yeah but you cannot try a deadly substance. Can you?

Well, while not advised. Apparently yes you can try it. I'm still here after that night.

Isn't there? Hm ok.

Do you know something indicating there is a safe dose ?

Yeah like closing your nose maybe .

Hmm. Maybe.
It doesn't smell so I'm not sure if that would help.
I had some random moments of sudden lightheadedness doing stuff today.

Not sure if it's related or not.
Probably is though.

My sense of smell is currently a little off .
But I think that's due to trying to clean something for 5 dollars.

On the stove being left on.
I'm thinking maybe I'd stumbled into it
Instead of leaving it on.

Because I do remember staring at the stove wondering what needed fixed after stopping myself from falling.


That makes more sense to me than.
the idea of I didn't get burned cleaning the pan and hadn't turned it off.

( I set the pan to soak with water , baking soda and dish soap back on that burner and then cleaned it )

so uhh yeah.
if I had left it on all that time.
I should have gotten burned when I then cleaned the pan.

Also the odds of nothing bad happening when it supposedly was left on alone ( only the pets home ) for hours .
Well actually I don't have a clue what those odds are but they can't be anything good.

The house being hot and the others judgment is why I intentionally accepted I must have done that. .

But it's that hot again inside and nobody cooked at all.

It's just hot weather and little to no AC right now.
The AC unit has a big problem so we don't use it much.

 

[kaidatenn]

I'm sorry you're hurting.
I hope you find peace either way soon.
It is a hard choice to make .

Thank you. Anyway did you manage to sleep? In the end Kai took benzo to sleep.

 

[Meteora]

Well, while not advised. Apparently yes you can try it. I'm still here after that night.

you re funny. Of course you can from a practical point of view (you can also eat dog shit). The question is what consequences you face.

Do you know something indicating there is a safe dose ?

Hm I m looking for it, still. Checking some people's threads who have died frim SN. I m pretty sure there is some information about it in this forum.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I even tried 200mg and that sent my heart to racing very fast in about 7-10 minutes. This is 1/5 of a gram. .2 of a gram . So I guess this SN is still good. 30 grams should do it aye? 30 grams is 150 times the 200 mg I took
And I'll make 3 cups and drink More if vomit . I need to leave existence

High quality unexpired SN is powerful!! To non-existence to infinity and beyond non-existence forever and ever !!!!!

 

[LOVELYDARKDEEP]

Sometimes, when I get impatient, I scratch that itch by pouring some table salt in a spoon so I can coat my tongue in it, then seeing how long I can stand it before taking a little sip of water. It's definitely helped build my tolerance for the taste.

 

[Unsure and alone]

Thank you. Anyway did you manage to sleep?

I got almost no sleep Tuesday night.
I did get some.
Not sure exactly how much.
I just know it couldn't have been more than 2 to 3 hours of sleep.

In the end Kai took benzo to sleep.

I'm glad you got sleep, but adding benzos means you risked not being able to choose in what came next with symptoms.

Just something to consider.
It's your choice to make either way.

you re funny. Of course you can from a practical point of view (you can also eat dog shit). The question is what consequences you face.

I'm glad you found it funny.
Yeah that was my point too .

Hm I m looking for it, still. Checking some people's threads who have died frim SN. I m pretty sure there is some information about it in this forum.

Well if you figure it out I'm sure a lot of people will want to know.

Sometimes, when I get impatient, I scratch that itch by pouring some table salt in a spoon so I can coat my tongue in it, then seeing how long I can stand it before taking a little sip of water. It's definitely helped build my tolerance for the taste.

That sounds like a good idea.

I am cheered up by realizing it's less than a shot of vodka that would need to be consumed for a lethal dose.

I don't like vodka either.
But that hasn't stopped me from having it sometimes.
So unfortunately I've realized I've got to force myself to be better about water consumption.
Unless I want to not feel good, struggle to think more, and otherwise be more miserable.

It's a heat wave with limited AC .
So inside temperature is upper 80's .

That combined with very low water intake.
Isn't good for physical health.

Talking some days forcing more than 1 water bottle a day low water intake.

This feels so unfortunate but I don't really want the side affects so I guess I just have to force more anyway.


I tried my new med last night.

That was ...

I don't know how to describe it .
I'll probably write more about it a bit later.

I'm feeling overwhelmed with some things,
The ice and water are helping me feel better.

Although more than that .
I still try to do what I say at least in response to others.
And I said I'd do something around now.
So more later I guess.

 

[Unsure and alone]

I've been binge watching TV and trying to convince myself through many different tasks.
Some success, yet I feel like beating myself up because I should have been able to do that and more in the day .

The new med Thursday night.
I'm having to straighten back out my sense of time.

It felt like I couldn't breathe after taking it .my throat was tighter .
The thought of well I could always add this to my suicide plan crossed my mind .

I actually could still breath.
But I went to the mirror to see if I could see anything different in my breathing.
I tried to figure out does this feel different to my touch than normal.
And eventually stopped worrying about it because it's not like I was planning to seek medical help anyway.
Also it made me sleepy far longer than I expected.
So taking it as late as I did wasn't great for the next day.

And yet I woke up happier the next morning and couldn't explain it .


For that reason...

Well I'm desperate enough I might keep taking the new med anyway...

Tonight I see 3 different possibilities of spending it

I'm not sure which way I'll go yet

 

[UmbraDweller]

I hope you are doing well by now. I was wondering how exactly is the taste? Is it any different from table salt mixed with water or does it have some aftertaste too?