Let's write a story together

[Safi]

I don't know if any of you guys would like to join but if you do I'll give you credit for writing it together. You can continue the story or give ideas for it. Anyone can join! So I've written a bit but I haven't got much inspiration right now. Spoiler: It's a story about a guy who woke up in a dark hole one day. The hole is a dark place, a place of struggles and choices. The guy is able to escape but only if he builds the ladder together with his ''friends''. There is one friend and one enemy. The enemy will hinder their work on the ladder and he's dangerous. But of course the friend will protect the protagonist. The friend and the enemy are also kind of like the devil and angel on shoulders for the protagonist. One tells him words of deceit and trickery and the other tells him words of truth and good advice. They have to get out of the dark hole together and climb into the light above. The hole isn't actually real and the protagonist is just experiencing a near death situation. It's up to the protagonist if he wants to listen to his friend or foe. The foe is of course disguised as a friend and only at the end will his true colors be seen. If he stays in the hole he will die if he makes it up the ladder he will live and wake up. The protagonist fell asleep after overdosing on sleeping pills. The foe is actually an arsonist and the lighter will play a big role too. And that's kind of how I thought it should go. What do you think? Does it sound Interesting or boring? I thought we should write it together because we are all in that dark hole right now and we all have a friend and a foe. The one telling us good positive stuff and the other weighing us down and telling us lies and eating us up with their disgusting voices telling us to kill ourselves. I thought I'd find much inspiration here and if you'd care to help me write this story till the end then I'd be grateful for it. It'd be our story that we created. A story of struggles and choices. It will have a little bit of every one of you in it and that'd be beautiful. Here's the link to it:

To be honest I doubt anyone will respond to this thread but if you give it a read or tell me your opinions about it then that's enough for me too.

 

[Pupuce]

Hi. So I've read it and I have a few things bugging me:

• The time spent is really hard to follow, it felt like only a day or two might have passed while apparently it was more than a week
• The apples, if the story did last more than a week, should have already gone bad I think, because of the humidity brought in by the well
• They all took the abduction pretty well all things considered

But those issues could be dealt with easily depending on how you go with the plot. But you've got something pretty good to start with

 

[Empty Smile]

Ooh.... Can I be the enemy with my creepy eye picture?

 

[Safi]

Hi. So I've read it and I have a few things bugging me:

• The time spent is really hard to follow, it felt like only a day or two might have passed while apparently it was more than a week
• The apples, if the story did last more than a week, should have already gone bad I think, because of the humidity brought in by the well
• They all took the abduction pretty well all things considered

But those issues could be dealt with easily depending on how you go with the plot. But you've got something pretty good to start with

True, then I could change it to only a day or two. I could also change the apples to something that lasts longer. They all think it's a realistic dream but maybe I could make a few changes there too. Thank you for giving your honest opinion and letting me improve my story. It made me really happy. :-)

Ooh.... Can I be the enemy with my creepy eye picture?

Sure you can :-D

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I have no idea how to do a fave list thing, or if it's even possible. Instead, I'm posting this as a sort of ugly bookmark.

Writing story together

 

[Pupuce]

Thank you for giving your honest opinion and letting me improve my story. It made me really happy. :-)

You're welcome

 

[dhk96]

we all have a friend and a foe. The one telling us good positive stuff

Wait, what happened to my friend that tells me positive stuff? :( I don't think we've ever met.

 

[Safi]

I have no idea how to do a fave list thing, or if it's even possible. Instead, I'm posting this as a sort of ugly bookmark.

Writing story together

Ok thanks

Wait, what happened to my friend that tells me positive stuff? :( I don't think we've ever met.

Maybe your demon is weighing it down and oppressing it.

 

[Safi]

So I've made a few bit of changes and hope that the story makes more sense now. I can't do anything about them taking the abduction well, I think I'd have to rewrite the whole story then. They're 2 depressed people who don't care much about anything except maybe getting out, and the other one is crazy he enjoys being there and playing around with them.

 

[Pupuce]

Back at criticizing again, i love that.
More seriously, time is easier to follow and canned food indeed makes more sense. The story was easy to follow as a whole, maybe adding paragraphs at each "time skip" or before Sam monologuing about his life could help people not really used to reading. And maybe not having the word "shit" when the narrator is speaking (on the 6th occurence when describing Louis inability to build a ladder) would be better. When someone is pronouncing that word it's ok but it doesn't feel right for the narrator i think.
That put aside, i think the story is pretty solid so far.