Venting i thought i found someone worth living for

[nonentity]

this is obviously a vent - more of a just brain melted exhaustion. i fell in love with my best friend the last year. we had really complicated feelings with each other, he could definitely tell that i was in love with him, but today he brought up that he thought that i LOVE loved him

i didn't address it. but the fact that he can tell, and it was mentioned that he feels bad because he "can never give (me) what i want" - i didn't comment on him saying that, and we wound up talking about something else - he's taken and is in a long term relationship

but i was holding onto him. he was my last anchor here. i don't feel like he cares much about me anymore. he treats me differently than other friends because he knows i love him (confirmed or not) - and it's just been taking a lot out of me. right now i feel emotionally numb. right now i want to ctb. i am actually thinking right now is the right time for it.

i'm just trying to find the strength to. i have everything i need for when i was planning. i dunno.

just really hate myself right now. and life. it's fucked up. a lot of people told me not to live for someone else, and to live for yourself - but sometimes, i don't think they understand that life's not worth living if the one who you deeply love is already taken

 

[Argo]

It would be unkind to you to withhold from you that what you're describing isn't love. Love is something we give after have looked deeply at ourselves, resolved any selfishness, and then offer, without any self-interest, something to someone. Love is a gift that we give, it's not something that if we can't have, we need to die. That's the hint that this isn't love.

If we love someone who is happy or has something good going for them, that makes us happy too. That's how you know it's love. If someone's happiness causes you pain, or if we think we love someone but we cause them constant discomfort-- that is how to know it's not love, but it's something self-interested like infatuation, dependent on getting something in return. That's why people told you not to live for someone-- because you won't be able to love if you do that, it has to start with you, then you give that from you, to them.

None of this means you can't love, or be more loving to whoever. It's possible, but I have to be honest that it's very difficult, and very easy to be confused about. I hope you get there though, so good luck.

 

[nonentity]

thanks for the good luck -- my post didn't really go deeply into how i feel about him, a lot of what you described is how i feel about him.

i'm happy that he's together with someone that makes him happy. i support him, and want him to have everything in the world that he deserves. his happiness doesn't cause me pain at all. when he's excited, i get excited too. he's going to be traveling a lot this year, and i'm totally stoked for him.

i was more getting at that i love him, and it hurts, because i want to be the one who makes him happy i think. i want to give him my love, rip it out and present it to him.

it's complicated.

i do make him happy. i hide a lot of this hurt away because i never want him to know. i genuinely do love him. sometimes i am just weaker than other times at hiding my grief.

 

[grungy自殺]

thanks for the good luck -- my post didn't really go deeply into how i feel about him, a lot of what you described is how i feel about him.

i'm happy that he's together with someone that makes him happy. i support him, and want him to have everything in the world that he deserves. his happiness doesn't cause me pain at all. when he's excited, i get excited too. he's going to be traveling a lot this year, and i'm totally stoked for him.

i was more getting at that i love him, and it hurts, because i want to be the one who makes him happy i think. i want to give him my love, rip it out and present it to him.

it's complicated.

i do make him happy. i hide a lot of this hurt away because i never want him to know. i genuinely do love him. sometimes i am just weaker than other times at hiding my grief.

Hope you're feeling alright rn after what you were previously expressing with your emotions in the first post.

You can say more here about how you really feel about him.

(i'm just curious since i've been through a similar situation)

 

[nonentity]

i'm feeling okay, i'm looking at crisis centers now to try to check myself in - just a lot going on rn, and i don't know if i want to live or die

as for him - i love him so much. he makes me feel like i'm actually a person. that i deserve to live. he's been there for me through my suicidal attempts, supported me through my darkest times, and i was there for him too. we love the same things, we tell each other things that we've never told anyone else before. i love the way he smiles when he talks about something that he's excited about. he's self conscious about his teeth, but i love seeing them peek out when he laughs.

i want to give him the world. i want to give him anything, and more - he's so kind, loving, and authentic. as long as he's happy, i'm happy that he's safe, and loved. i'm hurt, and unhappy, watching him with someone he loves, but i want to stay by his side, and love him from a distance and ask for nothing else in return. just to feel his warmth.

 

[grungy自殺]

i'm feeling okay, i'm looking at crisis centers now to try to check myself in - just a lot going on rn, and i don't know if i want to live or die

as for him - i love him so much. he makes me feel like i'm actually a person. that i deserve to live. he's been there for me through my suicidal attempts, supported me through my darkest times, and i was there for him too. we love the same things, we tell each other things that we've never told anyone else before. i love the way he smiles when he talks about something that he's excited about. he's self conscious about his teeth, but i love seeing them peek out when he laughs.

i want to give him the world. i want to give him anything, and more - he's so kind, loving, and authentic. as long as he's happy, i'm happy that he's safe, and loved. i'm hurt, and unhappy, watching him with someone he loves, but i want to stay by his side, and love him from a distance and ask for nothing else in return. just to feel his warmth.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

It really is so unfortunate that the ones that we thought that are there, gives us a reason to live, a second chance, that validates our existence, Just disregard us and not reciprocate our inter feelings in the end.

I"m sorry, i'm truly sorry things aren't going well for you right now

I hope you stay well mentally

Please be happy. (even though i'm a complete stranger saying it to you)