moth_geist
Member
- Feb 18, 2024
- 8
I always feel suicidal around my birthday, although I'm not sure if that's the exclusive cause for the back to back sobbing fits I've experienced all month.
Here's my wonderful birthday experience, although its likely a boring read :
My boyfriend came home from work around 7 a.m after his shift. We had several conversations before he got around to telling me happy birthday with a hug that felt forced. What bothers me isn' I that he didn't rush in and instantly break into an a cappella celebration or some shit. What bothers me is how horribly alone I feel, how many sacrifices I've made to be in an empty relationship. I moved four states away to be with him in a shitty town where I know no one. I'd been in a really long depression before coming here and was fed promised s abo9ut how we would get healthy together. I was told that he ~used to have anger issues but now he never gets angry~~. We spent most of quarantine together and he was incredibly kind with the exception of a time he lashed out at me by screaming at the top of his lungs and banging on his steering wheel because I caused us to be a little late. I was made to believe that little rage fit was an exception, and because I was a hopeful idiot, I believed it.
Anyone who can identify simple patterns can probably tell what happened next. I moved in with him secluded from anyone else I knew, and the mask was off within a week. So many rage fits over so many minimal things. The claims of having a high libido also went out the window because he started rejecting all of my advances and literally never came onto me. I don't know the last time we had a normal sex life but I'm willing to bet it was probably less than three months after I moved in.. I tried to avoid the reality of the situation, even though I fully understood what was happening. Eventually I lost it and started to react to these fits….and then it became about my reaction. I was the problematic one because I cried and yelled in response to being yelled at. That depression I came here with hoping to be addressed got s ouch worse than I could ever imagine. I haven't had a job or any money. I haven't had a single friend or person to talk to. I've lost touch with all of the few remaining friends I had, even friendships that lasted longer than twenty years. I had long. Pretty hair that eventually got matted into one huge knot, one heavy albatross that lasted almost an entire year until I found someone who could detangle it. I lost almost a foot of hair in the process, which felt like an additional punishment. While all of this was going on, I broke down at his feet several times, begging him to show me any sort of affection. He knew I wanted to end my life, in case my lifestyle wasn't enough of a sign. I have extreme OCD and the stress would create compulsions that made my life even more unbearable. Through all of this, he started getting chummy with a coworker. I asked him several times, in a calm manner, if anything was going on. I pleaded with him to please just let me know if anything did happen because the cheating wouldn't be nearly as bad as the heartbreak of being lied to. He swore that nothing was going on. Again, anyone with basic pattern recognition can guess what happened. He not only cheated on me, he lied about it. I had no one to go to. No one. Even whenever I found out that he cheated on me, he twisted it and made it about how it was my fault. And here I was, miles away from anyone who could have helped me, until the point where anyone I had is gone.
I thought we were moving past all of this but his habits of raging at me and treating me as though I am a subhuman piece of shit have returned in the past few months.
Today's problem? I couldn't sleep while he was asleep. I spent the entire time he was asleep silently crying and trying not to rip my hair out. I spend most of my nights like this, trying not to bother him whenever I am having an anxious episode. He got up for the day and I tossed and turned, unable to rest. I turned on a movie to try to sleep to. I asked him to not get on wow today (because he spends hours upon hours on wow all the time) and he got extremely defensive about it. He started raising his voice and I broke down crying because I honestly couldn't handle all of this on top of my fragile mental state. He then starts yellling at me, goes into the next room and punches his desk, screams at the top of his lungs. He continues to say that I am the problem because I was the one who started yelling and crying all because he "asked for an explanation" of why he should get off wow when I was trying to sleep. (I just wanted him to lay with me. I told him he could get on his steamdeck or something, I just wanted to be cuddled with. I didn't ask for a birthday gift or to be taken anywhere for my birthday. I just wanted to be held.) I break down crying and he yells at me, asking a question over and over that I can't hear because my ears are ringing. He starts yelling in my face and I start shoving him back. He pushes me on the bed and gets right into my face and screams at me like he's being paid to do it. He throws something at my heads as he walks away. He then tells me that I hit HIM, I started yelling at HIM. H knocks shelves on the wall that hold items that are important to me. He accuses me of not going to sleep on purpose so that I could start a fight and ruin my own birthday just to blame him.
The worst part is that I allow the ugliest side of me to surface when this happens. I don't have the ability to ignore it or make light of the situation or to try to reason with him. I am losing my goddamn mind without these screaming sessions, I have lost the ability to do anything other than react. The worst part isn't just the shame of losing my cool and engaging in behavior that I can't stand. It's the fact that, deep down, I don't care enough about anything to lose my temper in this way. It's almost like these emotional reactions come from a primal place that I don't have access to.
This is so pitiful. What am I really holding onto here? I feel so alone. I not only feel unloved, I feel unloveable, like it is impossible to find anyone who could love me. If that were not the case, why would I be in this situation? How could I allow myself to make such idiotic decisions? I don't feel attached to life in any meaningful way, I've been chronically depressed for years and don't have the mental bandwidth to change it. The only thing I have is something that makes me feel alone and miserable.
It's not just that I'd rather be by myself than be treated with such indignant hatred, I'd genuinely rather just be dead. It's not like I"m in a shitty relationship and the rest of the world is wonderful, like all I have to do is leave the toxic boyfriend and suddenly the rain clouds are gone! It turns out: the rest of the world is garbage too. How many people are suffering in a world that is too greedy to allow anyone the ability to make the most of it? How could anyone be blamed for wanting to gtfo of this nightmare world?
Anyways. I'm not sure why I typed this, especially as an initial post, because it seems too pathetic for anyone to spend their time reading and I don't exactly feel better after typing it out. I'm usually more articulate than the quality of this post would suggest, but I took a handful of sleeping pills (to knock myself out, not because I think it will end my life, I know it isn't that easy) and I barely feel capable of stringing a sentence together.
Why hasn't society progressed to the point where we have the option to hop into a VR coma and release all awareness of this shitty reality? That's my real birthday wish…..but this is all from a girl who can't even get someone to hold her. What a lonely existence, what a pointless headache. Someone isekai my pathetic ass already.
Here's my wonderful birthday experience, although its likely a boring read :
My boyfriend came home from work around 7 a.m after his shift. We had several conversations before he got around to telling me happy birthday with a hug that felt forced. What bothers me isn' I that he didn't rush in and instantly break into an a cappella celebration or some shit. What bothers me is how horribly alone I feel, how many sacrifices I've made to be in an empty relationship. I moved four states away to be with him in a shitty town where I know no one. I'd been in a really long depression before coming here and was fed promised s abo9ut how we would get healthy together. I was told that he ~used to have anger issues but now he never gets angry~~. We spent most of quarantine together and he was incredibly kind with the exception of a time he lashed out at me by screaming at the top of his lungs and banging on his steering wheel because I caused us to be a little late. I was made to believe that little rage fit was an exception, and because I was a hopeful idiot, I believed it.
Anyone who can identify simple patterns can probably tell what happened next. I moved in with him secluded from anyone else I knew, and the mask was off within a week. So many rage fits over so many minimal things. The claims of having a high libido also went out the window because he started rejecting all of my advances and literally never came onto me. I don't know the last time we had a normal sex life but I'm willing to bet it was probably less than three months after I moved in.. I tried to avoid the reality of the situation, even though I fully understood what was happening. Eventually I lost it and started to react to these fits….and then it became about my reaction. I was the problematic one because I cried and yelled in response to being yelled at. That depression I came here with hoping to be addressed got s ouch worse than I could ever imagine. I haven't had a job or any money. I haven't had a single friend or person to talk to. I've lost touch with all of the few remaining friends I had, even friendships that lasted longer than twenty years. I had long. Pretty hair that eventually got matted into one huge knot, one heavy albatross that lasted almost an entire year until I found someone who could detangle it. I lost almost a foot of hair in the process, which felt like an additional punishment. While all of this was going on, I broke down at his feet several times, begging him to show me any sort of affection. He knew I wanted to end my life, in case my lifestyle wasn't enough of a sign. I have extreme OCD and the stress would create compulsions that made my life even more unbearable. Through all of this, he started getting chummy with a coworker. I asked him several times, in a calm manner, if anything was going on. I pleaded with him to please just let me know if anything did happen because the cheating wouldn't be nearly as bad as the heartbreak of being lied to. He swore that nothing was going on. Again, anyone with basic pattern recognition can guess what happened. He not only cheated on me, he lied about it. I had no one to go to. No one. Even whenever I found out that he cheated on me, he twisted it and made it about how it was my fault. And here I was, miles away from anyone who could have helped me, until the point where anyone I had is gone.
I thought we were moving past all of this but his habits of raging at me and treating me as though I am a subhuman piece of shit have returned in the past few months.
Today's problem? I couldn't sleep while he was asleep. I spent the entire time he was asleep silently crying and trying not to rip my hair out. I spend most of my nights like this, trying not to bother him whenever I am having an anxious episode. He got up for the day and I tossed and turned, unable to rest. I turned on a movie to try to sleep to. I asked him to not get on wow today (because he spends hours upon hours on wow all the time) and he got extremely defensive about it. He started raising his voice and I broke down crying because I honestly couldn't handle all of this on top of my fragile mental state. He then starts yellling at me, goes into the next room and punches his desk, screams at the top of his lungs. He continues to say that I am the problem because I was the one who started yelling and crying all because he "asked for an explanation" of why he should get off wow when I was trying to sleep. (I just wanted him to lay with me. I told him he could get on his steamdeck or something, I just wanted to be cuddled with. I didn't ask for a birthday gift or to be taken anywhere for my birthday. I just wanted to be held.) I break down crying and he yells at me, asking a question over and over that I can't hear because my ears are ringing. He starts yelling in my face and I start shoving him back. He pushes me on the bed and gets right into my face and screams at me like he's being paid to do it. He throws something at my heads as he walks away. He then tells me that I hit HIM, I started yelling at HIM. H knocks shelves on the wall that hold items that are important to me. He accuses me of not going to sleep on purpose so that I could start a fight and ruin my own birthday just to blame him.
The worst part is that I allow the ugliest side of me to surface when this happens. I don't have the ability to ignore it or make light of the situation or to try to reason with him. I am losing my goddamn mind without these screaming sessions, I have lost the ability to do anything other than react. The worst part isn't just the shame of losing my cool and engaging in behavior that I can't stand. It's the fact that, deep down, I don't care enough about anything to lose my temper in this way. It's almost like these emotional reactions come from a primal place that I don't have access to.
This is so pitiful. What am I really holding onto here? I feel so alone. I not only feel unloved, I feel unloveable, like it is impossible to find anyone who could love me. If that were not the case, why would I be in this situation? How could I allow myself to make such idiotic decisions? I don't feel attached to life in any meaningful way, I've been chronically depressed for years and don't have the mental bandwidth to change it. The only thing I have is something that makes me feel alone and miserable.
It's not just that I'd rather be by myself than be treated with such indignant hatred, I'd genuinely rather just be dead. It's not like I"m in a shitty relationship and the rest of the world is wonderful, like all I have to do is leave the toxic boyfriend and suddenly the rain clouds are gone! It turns out: the rest of the world is garbage too. How many people are suffering in a world that is too greedy to allow anyone the ability to make the most of it? How could anyone be blamed for wanting to gtfo of this nightmare world?
Anyways. I'm not sure why I typed this, especially as an initial post, because it seems too pathetic for anyone to spend their time reading and I don't exactly feel better after typing it out. I'm usually more articulate than the quality of this post would suggest, but I took a handful of sleeping pills (to knock myself out, not because I think it will end my life, I know it isn't that easy) and I barely feel capable of stringing a sentence together.
Why hasn't society progressed to the point where we have the option to hop into a VR coma and release all awareness of this shitty reality? That's my real birthday wish…..but this is all from a girl who can't even get someone to hold her. What a lonely existence, what a pointless headache. Someone isekai my pathetic ass already.
