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puffyclouds

Member
Feb 15, 2024
40
Hello everyone,

In 24hrs, I will be pulling the trigger of the firearm that I have purchased. I will be aiming at my brainstem where the hard and soft palette of my mouth connects. I can't believe this is real, but a lot of strange things have happened to me recently.

Since I have no one else to turn to, let me tell you guys I came to my decision. Right now, I'm lying to everyone in my life, telling them that I'm definitely going to live on. But that's a lie. it's weird having to pretend that everything is fine. I feel sorry for my poor, sweet cat. Fortunately, I know my mother will take her in. She's going to be okay.

Let me tell you all how this decision came to be. Like many of us, I've been entranced with the thought of suicide my whole life. Everytime the world became too much to bear, I entered a hysterical state where I could only crave killing myself, and no sense could reach me. Of course, many people tried to intervene, but sadly, help could never reach me. There was always some barrier. Parents forbidding it (when I was younger), cost, and so on and so forth. This is all-too-familiar for most of you, I'm sure.

I met someone who loved me dearly, when I was a lot younger. Seven years ago, in fact, and ever since, this man has been devoted to me. He knew exactly how unwell I was, for the past seven years. Everytime I was in distress, I'd call, and he'd always, always, pick up the phone. He never made a word of complaint. He understood me better than anyone. He understood why it was difficult for me to get better. In fact, we were hoping to get married this year. Whenever my friends wronged me, I'd call him, upset. And he'd assure me how awful they are, and encourage me to burn bridges. Pretty fast, he was the only person I considered to be my "real" friend.

Things went wrong, in the bedroom one day. Around this time, last year. I think it was late spring, actually. We were intimate in the bedroom, but he insisted that condoms didn't fit him. Knowing this, he entered me anyway. I was confused. We didn't agree to that beforehand. But he never raised a hand against me before. I told him to pull out, but he didn't. I miscarried. I found brown clots in my underwear for weeks. He told me he'd spend the rest of my life making it up to me. Ever since then, I remember it did something strange to my brain. I remember calling him every spare minute of the day. And he'd always indulge me. Always pick up the phone. I couldn't so much as look at anything without him opening his wallet to get it for me. He indulged me beyond belief. Even in the bedroom, where things got intense. I remember he would call me "it", or "doll" in the bedroom.

He made a massive effort to get me my "dream house". He signed on for an apartment, insisting that he could afford it, insisting on paying most of the rent. I found out that he was lying to his parents (who were financially supporting us--we're both still quite young, finishing our final years of university) about his rent contribution. He told me to just sit tight and not lift a finger while he insisted on paying for everything. He assured me, so many times, that this was within his financial means. That he wanted to do this. That this was all for me, and he was capable of doing this. He endearingly called me his "disabled wife", and told me it was okay for me to be sick and in his care. He loved me and our cat beyond imagination.

One night, about over a month ago, he said he'd be on his way. He said he'd be on the road to take me to the hospital (for, you guessed it, suicidal thoughts), and our cat to the emergency vet. I was freaking out, thinking our cat was on her deathbed. He said he'd be on the road in 15 minutes, as he was a two hour drive away from me.

I stayed up all night. He never came.

I never heard from him again, after all those weeks. I was worried sick. I don't even remember how long it's been. Turns out, he left me. We were engaged. I only found out through the landlord when I received notice that he was trying to terminate our lease. He went ahead and told all of our mutual friends that I'm crazy, and told them all I was using him for cash. The only one of them who hasn't turned against me (she has exams this week, so it's a shame I won't be able to see her before I depart) got a phone call from him, the other day. He said that the reason he left is that he thought if he could get me the nicest possible home, without any of the stressors that existed where I previously lived (long story short, I lived with my landlord previously, and she was... unkind to me), that I'd no longer be mentally ill. When that didn't happen, he decided he couldn't do it anymore. He told all his friends I was beyond help, and I was a horrible, horrible partner to him. They've all sided against me. And when I opened up to some of them about the miscarriage, they've decided that I've been lying about that incident.

And now, all I have is some words for internet strangers. His argument was that he could have never told me he wanted to break up with me over the phone, or in person, because I would have "exploded". So he just left one day, and never came back. He promised he'd be on the road. And he never came back.

Perhaps you all will think that the relationship wasn't the healthiest. And maybe you all are right. And I would have at least, even still, liked to have the dignity of not having my friends feign support (all the while badmouthing me behind my back) for weeks before they all decided to block my contact. I would have at least liked a chance. I would have liked a chance to try to work things out. I wish he told me, at any point, what was happening. I wish I at least had the chance to right the wrongs in the relationship. But I never did.

Considering how things ended, I can't be happy. I was raped by a stranger a few weeks ago. And now, all my friends have turned their backs on me. My poor cat is so, so sweet. She doesn't know what happened. She doesn't know where my partner went. I hope we can be reunited in the afterlife.

In less than 24hrs, I will depart this world. If I can make a request of internet strangers, please keep me some company while I wait to depart. Recommend your favourite shows or movies. I honestly don't know what to do with myself, in this empty household, other than to just wait for the end. The only thing that's helping me find peace is treating myself as a terminally ill patient, and letting myself be as comfortable as possible. It's pathetic, but I've given myself as much comfort as I can by ordering takeaway instead of cooking (something I almost never allow myself to do), sleeping as much as I want, and ignoring my schoolwork entirely.

Everyone in the world is against me. It makes me sick, to imagine how they'll all say "oh well, she was unstable and crazy anyway, she just killed herself to get back to you". Or, "she just killed herself to cause you trouble/get revenge by damaging the apartment". It makes me sick. I just want my soul to be at eternal peace.
 
kawaiiphantom

kawaiiphantom

I gently open the door
Feb 1, 2024
303
I'm so so sorry you had to go through so much heartbreak. Experiencing SA is extremely tough to go through, I've been through it as well. What are some of your favorite shows and movies? I'm glad you're treating yourself and making yourself comfortable ❤️ I'll try to drop by the thread throughout next 24 hours to give you some company 💜 although goodbye threads are a bit hard for me to handle :] just know you're not alone and we're here for you
 
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puffyclouds

Member
Feb 15, 2024
40
I'm so so sorry you had to go through so much heartbreak. Experiencing SA is extremely tough to go through, I've been through it as well. What are some of your favorite shows and movies? I'm glad you're treating yourself and making yourself comfortable ❤️ I'll try to drop by the thread throughout next 24 to give you some company 💜 although goodbye threads are a bit hard for me to handle :] just know you're not alone and we're here for you
Thank you for your words. It's just me and my cat right now. I used to watch a lot of anime with my former partner. We'd watch everything from Kuroko no Basuke to Revolutionary Girl Utena. It's a shame, because I have all the free time in the world right now, but nothing is holding my interest. Maybe it's for the best, though.
 
kawaiiphantom

kawaiiphantom

I gently open the door
Feb 1, 2024
303
Thank you for your words. It's just me and my cat right now. I used to watch a lot of anime with my former partner. We'd watch everything from Kuroko no Basuke to Revolutionary Girl Utena. It's a shame, because I have all the free time in the world right now, but nothing is holding my interest. Maybe it's for the best, though.
What's your cats name? 🖤 awhhh that's cool!! I've surprisingly never heard of those anime but they sound familiar, I definitely want to look them up now
 
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puffyclouds

Member
Feb 15, 2024
40
What's your cats name? 🖤 awhhh that's cool!! I've surprisingly never heard of those anime but they sound familiar, I definitely want to look them up now
Her name's Mocha c: I adopted her two years ago. She had epilepsy and she was meant to be put down. I'm glad that I could save her. My parents will definitely take her in; they adore her. She's sleeping peacefully next to me right now. She's a lynx point siamese!

And yeah, check them out :3 KnB is more lighthearted and funny, and RGU is heavy but cathartic.

Do you have any favourite shows? Movies? Maybe I'll watch them. I've got nothing but free time.
 
kawaiiphantom

kawaiiphantom

I gently open the door
Feb 1, 2024
303
Her name's Mocha c: I adopted her two years ago. She had epilepsy and she was meant to be put down. I'm glad that I could save her. My parents will definitely take her in; they adore her. She's sleeping peacefully next to me right now. She's a lynx point siamese!

And yeah, check them out :3 KnB is more lighthearted and funny, and RGU is heavy but cathartic.

Do you have any favourite shows? Movies? Maybe I'll watch them. I've got nothing but free time.
Awehhhh I love the name mocha :> so cutttee 🍫 I'm so glad you were able to save her, she sounds like an amazing cat <3 I looked up lynx point Siamese cats, they're so cute and gorgeous (*♡∀♡)
I definitely will check them out, I've been looking for anime to watch before ctb 🖤
My favorite movie is Kiki's delivery service, what kind of genres do you like to watch? I might be able to give u some recommendations ^^ Sorry I mostly have only watched anime and cartoons lmao 💀
 

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P

puffyclouds

Member
Feb 15, 2024
40
Awehhhh I love the name mocha :> so cutttee 🍫 I'm so glad you were able to save her, she sounds like an amazing cat <3 I looked up lynx point Siamese cats, they're so cute and gorgeous (*♡∀♡)
I definitely will check them out, I've been looking for anime to watch before ctb 🖤
My favorite movie is Kiki's delivery service, what kind of genres do you like to watch? I might be able to give u some recommendations ^^ Sorry I mostly have only watched anime and cartoons lmao 💀
Kitty

I'll watch Kiki's delivery service tonight. Here's Mocha; she's been keeping me company. I'll let you know what I think c: Thank you for giving me something to do with myself.

I guess I'll report back when I'm done watching :3
 
thetruetato

thetruetato

Member
Jan 1, 2024
98
Hello everyone,

In 24hrs, I will be pulling the trigger of the firearm that I have purchased. I will be aiming at my brainstem where the hard and soft palette of my mouth connects. I can't believe this is real, but a lot of strange things have happened to me recently.

Since I have no one else to turn to, let me tell you guys I came to my decision. Right now, I'm lying to everyone in my life, telling them that I'm definitely going to live on. But that's a lie. it's weird having to pretend that everything is fine. I feel sorry for my poor, sweet cat. Fortunately, I know my mother will take her in. She's going to be okay.

Let me tell you all how this decision came to be. Like many of us, I've been entranced with the thought of suicide my whole life. Everytime the world became too much to bear, I entered a hysterical state where I could only crave killing myself, and no sense could reach me. Of course, many people tried to intervene, but sadly, help could never reach me. There was always some barrier. Parents forbidding it (when I was younger), cost, and so on and so forth. This is all-too-familiar for most of you, I'm sure.

I met someone who loved me dearly, when I was a lot younger. Seven years ago, in fact, and ever since, this man has been devoted to me. He knew exactly how unwell I was, for the past seven years. Everytime I was in distress, I'd call, and he'd always, always, pick up the phone. He never made a word of complaint. He understood me better than anyone. He understood why it was difficult for me to get better. In fact, we were hoping to get married this year. Whenever my friends wronged me, I'd call him, upset. And he'd assure me how awful they are, and encourage me to burn bridges. Pretty fast, he was the only person I considered to be my "real" friend.

Things went wrong, in the bedroom one day. Around this time, last year. I think it was late spring, actually. We were intimate in the bedroom, but he insisted that condoms didn't fit him. Knowing this, he entered me anyway. I was confused. We didn't agree to that beforehand. But he never raised a hand against me before. I told him to pull out, but he didn't. I miscarried. I found brown clots in my underwear for weeks. He told me he'd spend the rest of my life making it up to me. Ever since then, I remember it did something strange to my brain. I remember calling him every spare minute of the day. And he'd always indulge me. Always pick up the phone. I couldn't so much as look at anything without him opening his wallet to get it for me. He indulged me beyond belief. Even in the bedroom, where things got intense. I remember he would call me "it", or "doll" in the bedroom.

He made a massive effort to get me my "dream house". He signed on for an apartment, insisting that he could afford it, insisting on paying most of the rent. I found out that he was lying to his parents (who were financially supporting us--we're both still quite young, finishing our final years of university) about his rent contribution. He told me to just sit tight and not lift a finger while he insisted on paying for everything. He assured me, so many times, that this was within his financial means. That he wanted to do this. That this was all for me, and he was capable of doing this. He endearingly called me his "disabled wife", and told me it was okay for me to be sick and in his care. He loved me and our cat beyond imagination.

One night, about over a month ago, he said he'd be on his way. He said he'd be on the road to take me to the hospital (for, you guessed it, suicidal thoughts), and our cat to the emergency vet. I was freaking out, thinking our cat was on her deathbed. He said he'd be on the road in 15 minutes, as he was a two hour drive away from me.

I stayed up all night. He never came.

I never heard from him again, after all those weeks. I was worried sick. I don't even remember how long it's been. Turns out, he left me. We were engaged. I only found out through the landlord when I received notice that he was trying to terminate our lease. He went ahead and told all of our mutual friends that I'm crazy, and told them all I was using him for cash. The only one of them who hasn't turned against me (she has exams this week, so it's a shame I won't be able to see her before I depart) got a phone call from him, the other day. He said that the reason he left is that he thought if he could get me the nicest possible home, without any of the stressors that existed where I previously lived (long story short, I lived with my landlord previously, and she was... unkind to me), that I'd no longer be mentally ill. When that didn't happen, he decided he couldn't do it anymore. He told all his friends I was beyond help, and I was a horrible, horrible partner to him. They've all sided against me. And when I opened up to some of them about the miscarriage, they've decided that I've been lying about that incident.

And now, all I have is some words for internet strangers. His argument was that he could have never told me he wanted to break up with me over the phone, or in person, because I would have "exploded". So he just left one day, and never came back. He promised he'd be on the road. And he never came back.

Perhaps you all will think that the relationship wasn't the healthiest. And maybe you all are right. And I would have at least, even still, liked to have the dignity of not having my friends feign support (all the while badmouthing me behind my back) for weeks before they all decided to block my contact. I would have at least liked a chance. I would have liked a chance to try to work things out. I wish he told me, at any point, what was happening. I wish I at least had the chance to right the wrongs in the relationship. But I never did.

Considering how things ended, I can't be happy. I was raped by a stranger a few weeks ago. And now, all my friends have turned their backs on me. My poor cat is so, so sweet. She doesn't know what happened. She doesn't know where my partner went. I hope we can be reunited in the afterlife.

In less than 24hrs, I will depart this world. If I can make a request of internet strangers, please keep me some company while I wait to depart. Recommend your favourite shows or movies. I honestly don't know what to do with myself, in this empty household, other than to just wait for the end. The only thing that's helping me find peace is treating myself as a terminally ill patient, and letting myself be as comfortable as possible. It's pathetic, but I've given myself as much comfort as I can by ordering takeaway instead of cooking (something I almost never allow myself to do), sleeping as much as I want, and ignoring my schoolwork entirely.

Everyone in the world is against me. It makes me sick, to imagine how they'll all say "oh well, she was unstable and crazy anyway, she just killed herself to get back to you". Or, "she just killed herself to cause you trouble/get revenge by damaging the apartment". It makes me sick. I just want my soul to be at eternal peace.
It's truly horrible that you had to go through this, and I'm sorry things have come to this point. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
 
P

puffyclouds

Member
Feb 15, 2024
40
I don't really have any shows/movies to recommend, but I just want to say I'm very sorry that you have been through so much suffering. I'm really sorry that things have come to this for you, but I respect your decision and wish you peace :heart:

P.S. Your cat is very cute!
That's alright. I'm sitting here, still, wondering why he would do all of this to me. I'm sure you don't have the answers. Thank you for your well-wishes. I'm glad that I can be remembered fondly, even if it's by internet strangers.

What about your favourite songs? I've never seen Eva, but I'm listening to Komm Susser Tod right now.

And thank you ^_^ Mocha is very sweet. She's been purring in my lap. I'm going to run a bath, get myself some cookies, and watch Kiki's delivery service. I think making yourself comfortable is the most important thing you can do before you CTB. Do you agree? The way I view it, it's like when you beat the main story in the game, and you're just in free play.
 
Guy_Smiley

Guy_Smiley

Just another lost soul
Jan 4, 2024
353
That's alright. I'm sitting here, still, wondering why he would do all of this to me. I'm sure you don't have the answers.
I wish I had the answers, but I don't know why people do shitty things like that. Honestly, people's behavior often baffles me. Don't drive yourself crazy overthinking things you have no control over (I often do that and have to remind myself there's no point in it).

What about your favourite songs? I've never seen Eva, but I'm listening to Komm Susser Tod right now.
Gosh, I have too many to list. I don't know where I'd begin. I'm old, so a lot of my favorite music is probably from before you were born (and some of it is from even before I was born, e.g. The Beatles). I'm so out of touch with today's music that I don't even know who Eva or Komm Susser Tod are :))

And thank you ^_^ Mocha is very sweet. She's been purring in my lap.
What a sweety :heart:

I think making yourself comfortable is the most important thing you can do before you CTB. Do you agree?
I'm glad to hear that you're making yourself comfortable. You deserve it. I agree that it's one of the most important things to do before dying, whether it's by CTB or an illness. I hope the rest of your night is as comfortable and peaceful as can be 🤗
 
S

slowlyrotting

Member
Nov 18, 2023
10
I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. You didn't deserve any of that... I hope you find peace.
One of my comfort movies is Spirited Away, if you're still looking for things to pass the time that's left.
 
kawaiiphantom

kawaiiphantom

I gently open the door
Feb 1, 2024
303
Unfortunately I have to sleep very soon but I hope you were able to relax and feel as comfy as possible. I'll try my best to remember to check thread after I wake up 💜 hoping you are having good times with Mocha 💫
IMG 5780
 
SexyIncél

SexyIncél

🍭my lollipop brings the feminists to my candyshop
Aug 16, 2022
1,399
In less than 24hrs, I will depart this world. If I can make a request of internet strangers, please keep me some company while I wait to depart. Recommend your favourite shows or movies. I honestly don't know what to do with myself, in this empty household, other than to just wait for the end. The only thing that's helping me find peace is treating myself as a terminally ill patient, and letting myself be as comfortable as possible. It's pathetic, but I've given myself as much comfort as I can by ordering takeaway instead of cooking (something I almost never allow myself to do), sleeping as much as I want, and ignoring my schoolwork entirely.

Everyone in the world is against me.
It's madness. We're in a world awash with wealth, where materially you don't need a devoted obsessed guy to live in dignity. And yet here I'm watching you pointlessly die in real-time, and the most obvious option is to give you movies

In a very true sense, everyone in the world is against you. Hostile

Hmm, movies... god this is embarrassing, I know conflict-filled ones like Pi, maybe you want happier ones...
 
P

puffyclouds

Member
Feb 15, 2024
40
Unfortunately I have to sleep very soon but I hope you were able to relax and feel as comfy as possible. I'll try my best to remember to check thread after I wake up 💜 hoping you are having good times with Mocha 💫
View attachment 129499
I ended up running myself a bath and going to sleep. I used all the bath salts I usually save for special occasions c: I have Kiki's Delivery Service playing, right now. In weird way, Kiki's words of departing are comforting me. I woke up and fed my kitty.

I had some cookies I baked earlier this week: https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/chewy-chocolate-chip-cookies/

I've been making this recipe since I was a teenager.

I can't believe today is my last day on earth. The world is such a beautiful place. This evening, after the sun sets, I'm going to decide what to do with my final few hours. I have a lot of questions to ask myself. Should I wear pajamas, or a nice outfit? I will definitely make myself some warm tea. If I somehow, by some miracle, end up living, I bet my professors will give me an earful about all my missed work. I haven't dared to open my school email, haha. I went to the ER, about a week ago, after being raped by a stranger, and the hospital contacted my school. So all the professors know I'm taking some time away.

Maybe I'll take a walk, after the sun sets, and appreciate the sky. I'm on the East Coast of the US. Right now, it's 12pm. Sometime tonight, I haven't quite decided when, I'll depart for my final journey. I'm terrified, haha.
 
kawaiiphantom

kawaiiphantom

I gently open the door
Feb 1, 2024
303
Im glad her words are comforting to you 🖤 🎀that movie is very dear to my heart so im thrilled you are watching it ^_^ ooooo baking!! 🍪🍪🍪 the walk sounds like it will be a beautiful experience, i love looking at the sky and clouds and everything around me, its crazy how magical it can feel. I also felt terrified on what was supposed to be my last day not too long ago, its a huge decision. Dont forget if you end up not doing it and feel like its not your time we're here for you. You seem like such a lovely and kind person, i will miss you a lot
 
P

puffyclouds

Member
Feb 15, 2024
40
It's madness. We're in a world awash with wealth, where materially you don't need a devoted obsessed guy to live in dignity. And yet here I'm watching you pointlessly die in real-time, and the most obvious option is to give you movies

In a very true sense, everyone in the world is against you. Hostile

Hmm, movies... god this is embarrassing, I know conflict-filled ones like Pi, maybe you want happier ones...

It's true, I don't think I need to die. Maybe I could have lived on, and found a way to be happy, despite everything. Maybe if it was just him leaving me, I could handle it. But he's told all of our friends that I lied about the miscarriage, that I'm such a horrible person. They've all blocked my contact. It's sad. I wish I could call someone, invite someone over, before I CTB. All I can do is just rest. I have very little energy left. It feels like my body is shutting down.
Im glad her words are comforting to you 🖤 🎀that movie is very dear to my heart so im thrilled you are watching it ^_^ ooooo baking!! 🍪🍪🍪 the walk sounds like it will be a beautiful experience, i love looking at the sky and clouds and everything around me, its crazy how magical it can feel. I also felt terrified on what was supposed to be my last day not too long ago, its a huge decision. Dont forget if you end up not doing it and feel like its not your time we're here for you. You seem like such a lovely and kind person, i will miss you a lot
I'm about 35 minutes in. It reminds me of when I first moved out for university. I used to live with three other people in a cramped space, but I had my own room.

I think I'd like to call you my friend, if that's ok. I don't even know who you are. Maybe I'll see you on the other side, maybe I won't. The idea of dying scares me, but everyone has to die someday, right?

I think everything will be ok. The seasons will keep changing and the sun will keep rising. The world is such a magical place. We live on earth where there's oceans and mountains. I'm glad I could have been born. I spoke to my mother a few weeks ago. She told me that I was always "sensitive". She's right.

I think I will give myself until midnight. I'm dead-set on catching the bus. I won't be missing my trip. I've already made arrangements. I told my martial arts teacher to call a wellness check for me if she doesn't hear from me in 24hrs. I gave her my address, my full name, and permission. That way, my cat will be okay. She won't starve.

Everything is set in place. It feels so surreal. I feel like I'm living in some kind of weird alternate reality. Everything led up to this. I can't believe it.

What's your favourite colour? No one asks each other that, these days. I'm curious what colours you guys love. I've always been fond of teal.
 
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puffyclouds

Member
Feb 15, 2024
40
My cat just climbed into my lap and started purring. It's raining outside, while Kiki's delivery service is playing. Only two more hours, and my firearm will be ready for pickup (5pm EST). I wonder what my final meal will be? I can't decide.

My kitty is sleeping in my lap. I'm dead set on catching the bus. Once I pick up my firearm, I need to get all the chores out of the way. I need to take out the trash. And then, I need to prepare my "grave". In the bathtub that I took a bath in last night, I'm going to fill it with as many blankets and plushies as I can. I'll have some tea and think about my life. I don't drink or smoke, but I do have a single-dose benzo sitting somewhere. It was prescribed to me to help me relax during my IUD insertion. Of course, since that isn't going to happen anymore, I might take it before I CTB.

Oh, as I wrote this, I finished watching Kiki's delivery service c: I really enjoyed it.
 
kawaiiphantom

kawaiiphantom

I gently open the door
Feb 1, 2024
303
It's true, I don't think I need to die. Maybe I could have lived on, and found a way to be happy, despite everything. Maybe if it was just him leaving me, I could handle it. But he's told all of our friends that I lied about the miscarriage, that I'm such a horrible person. They've all blocked my contact. It's sad. I wish I could call someone, invite someone over, before I CTB. All I can do is just rest. I have very little energy left. It feels like my body is shutting down.

I'm about 35 minutes in. It reminds me of when I first moved out for university. I used to live with three other people in a cramped space, but I had my own room.

I think I'd like to call you my friend, if that's ok. I don't even know who you are. Maybe I'll see you on the other side, maybe I won't. The idea of dying scares me, but everyone has to die someday, right?

I think everything will be ok. The seasons will keep changing and the sun will keep rising. The world is such a magical place. We live on earth where there's oceans and mountains. I'm glad I could have been born. I spoke to my mother a few weeks ago. She told me that I was always "sensitive". She's right.

I think I will give myself until midnight. I'm dead-set on catching the bus. I won't be missing my trip. I've already made arrangements. I told my martial arts teacher to call a wellness check for me if she doesn't hear from me in 24hrs. I gave her my address, my full name, and permission. That way, my cat will be okay. She won't starve.

Everything is set in place. It feels so surreal. I feel like I'm living in some kind of weird alternate reality. Everything led up to this. I can't believe it.

What's your favourite colour? No one asks each other that, these days. I'm curious what colours you guys love. I've always been fond of teal.
Yesssss I was actually in a very similar situation when I moved out for art school to big city, I was living in small apartment with 3 other people and my own lil room. It reminds me of that too! Yes of course you can call me friend 💜💜 what you said about the world is very true 🌊⛰️💫 if you're 100% sure you want to go I have to respect your decision, although I'm very sad that things came to this for you and sad to see you go. but I'm happy that you were able to have a last day filled with things you enjoy <3 that's what I want to do as well when the time comes. My favorite color is light pink ^_^ teal is a good choice, it's so pretty!!!
My cat just climbed into my lap and started purring. It's raining outside, while Kiki's delivery service is playing. Only two more hours, and my firearm will be ready for pickup (5pm EST). I wonder what my final meal will be? I can't decide.

My kitty is sleeping in my lap. I'm dead set on catching the bus. Once I pick up my firearm, I need to get all the chores out of the way. I need to take out the trash. And then, I need to prepare my "grave". In the bathtub that I took a bath in last night, I'm going to fill it with as many blankets and plushies as I can. I'll have some tea and think about my life. I don't drink or smoke, but I do have a single-dose benzo sitting somewhere. It was prescribed to me to help me relax during my IUD insertion. Of course, since that isn't going to happen anymore, I might take it before I CTB.

Oh, as I wrote this, I finished watching Kiki's delivery service c: I really enjoyed it.
Omg it's raining outside too, that's perfect 😭💙 the thing about filling your bathtub with blankets and plushies sounds so comforting and nice~ 🧸

How are you feeling right now?

YAYYYYY I'm so happy you enjoyed it 💗🐈‍⬛ I've never been able to convince anyone I know to watch it lmao :>
 
Last edited:
R

ropearoundatree

Student
Nov 9, 2023
182
Hi 👋 @puffyclouds - just wanted to wish you well & all the best with everything. Personally—& that's all this is, o. k. is ME: & my feelings on the subject matter. You are free to have your own. 🤗 I've always been a fan catching the bus (but) for the "right reasons." Realize… this is highly subjective however! In my opinion and in my view, your circumstance if it were my own, would be a shitty reason or set of reasons to be doing so (having that bastard do all he did to you & then running into a/or some random rapist not all that long ago). It's no wonder you want to put an end to things. It's no wonder you want all of this painful suffering to stop, it's like being in a life long submission hold. We've all got to tap out eventually. No judgments passed, you have right to make up your own mind you've lived through this / or these experiences & I have not. So about all I'll do then is shut-up, and say farewell to you then. That said—I still think it's a mighty fine raw deal you've gotten. And I know that you don't have to look at it (the situation) the same way as me, or that I do. Best to you as you exit through ~ 😊
 
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Reactions: kawaiiphantom
P

puffyclouds

Member
Feb 15, 2024
40
Yesssss I was actually in a very similar situation when I moved out for art school to big city, I was living in small apartment with 3 other people and my own lil room. It reminds me of that too! Yes of course you can call me friend 💜💜 what you said about the world is very true 🌊⛰️💫 if you're 100% sure you want to go I have to respect your decision, although I'm very sad that things came to this for you and sad to see you go. but I'm happy that you were able to have a last day filled with things you enjoy <3 that's what I want to do as well when the time comes. My favorite color is light pink ^_^ teal is a good choice, it's so pretty!!!

Omg it's raining outside too, that's perfect 😭💙 the thing about filling your bathtub with blankets and plushies sounds so comforting and nice~ 🧸

How are you feeling right now?

YAYYYYY I'm so happy you enjoyed it 💗🐈‍⬛ I've never been able to convince anyone I know to watch it lmao :>
Yes, I'm definitely sure about my decision. I'm not turning back. I think it's fitting for me to pass away, after being thoroughly worn down like this. Oh, get this: all those people who turned their back on me? Yeah, they're apparently running around saying that I was faking my struggle with suicide to manipulate them. Incredible, right? I can't help but imagine what they'll think when they inevitably hear the news... I can't help but imagine.

I'm okay. I'm going to post some letters to some childhood friends that I haven't spoken to in ages. There's no way they'll know what happened to me otherwise; I haven't got any social media. Then, I'm going to put on a hoodie so I can head out and pick up my firearm. Then, it's really going to come together. I'm probably going to take an hour or two to take care of all my chores. Then, probably talk to you guys a bit more.

Oh I love watching Kiki's :D You can imagine we had a movie night. I don't know if it's the death-brain talking, but I imagined it as a story about a girl preparing to meet the afterlife. It was comforting to me. Thank you for that.

I just had a cry. I'm going to head out and post the letters now. Get ready to pick up my firearm. This is really happening. I can't believe this.
 
ummagumma

ummagumma

Member
Jan 11, 2024
22
my cat also have epilepsy
you are definitely such a gentle soul. sorry to see you leave. but i hope you can find pease in whatever desision you make 💔
 
P

puffyclouds

Member
Feb 15, 2024
40
my cat also have epilepsy
you are definitely such a gentle soul. sorry to see you leave. but i hope you can find pease in whatever desision you make 💔
I just gave my cat her phenobarbital. She's too clever for pill pockets, so I have to crush it up and put it in her wet food. She deserves all the wet food and treats in the world. I just hugged her and cried. I'm so happy I could have the kindness of internet strangers to make my last day so special.
Hi 👋 @puffyclouds - just wanted to wish you well & all the best with everything. Personally—& that's all this is, o. k. is ME: & my feelings on the subject matter. You are free to have your own. 🤗 I've always been a fan catching the bus (but) for the "right reasons." Realize… this is highly subjective however! In my opinion and in my view, your circumstance if it were my own, would be a shitty reason or set of reasons to be doing so (having that bastard do all he did to you & then running into a/or some random rapist not all that long ago). It's no wonder you want to put an end to things. It's no wonder you want all of this painful suffering to stop, it's like being in a life long submission hold. We've all got to tap out eventually. No judgments passed, you have right to make up your own mind you've lived through this / or these experiences & I have not. So about all I'll do then is shut-up, and say farewell to you then. That said—I still think it's a mighty fine raw deal you've gotten. And I know that you don't have to look at it (the situation) the same way as me, or that I do. Best to you as you exit through ~ 😊
Thank you for your words. I will be departing later tonight. Honestly, it's nice to be told that he was a bastard, haha. As much as I (foolishly, I admit) still care for him, it's nice not to be told I'm crazy and beyond help or what-have-you. I can't help but wonder why'd he do all of this. I suppose I'll never know.

I wrote him a letter. I'm going to send it to him digitally before I pass, as my last action. I've been considering sharing it on here. Maybe I'll put it up. I doubt he'll read it, so I guess I could put it on here.

Here it is. I'll never get a response from him, that's for sure. So, here's my feelings.
 
Last edited:
VentingMachine4224

VentingMachine4224

Why do I do what I did do?
Dec 22, 2023
1,828
You have my support whatever you decide OP it can be hard and scary it can be one the hardest things to ever go thru but I'm sure you're destined to have everlasting peace no matter what.
 

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