Hello everyone,
In 24hrs, I will be pulling the trigger of the firearm that I have purchased. I will be aiming at my brainstem where the hard and soft palette of my mouth connects. I can't believe this is real, but a lot of strange things have happened to me recently.
Since I have no one else to turn to, let me tell you guys I came to my decision. Right now, I'm lying to everyone in my life, telling them that I'm definitely going to live on. But that's a lie. it's weird having to pretend that everything is fine. I feel sorry for my poor, sweet cat. Fortunately, I know my mother will take her in. She's going to be okay.
Let me tell you all how this decision came to be. Like many of us, I've been entranced with the thought of suicide my whole life. Everytime the world became too much to bear, I entered a hysterical state where I could only crave killing myself, and no sense could reach me. Of course, many people tried to intervene, but sadly, help could never reach me. There was always some barrier. Parents forbidding it (when I was younger), cost, and so on and so forth. This is all-too-familiar for most of you, I'm sure.
I met someone who loved me dearly, when I was a lot younger. Seven years ago, in fact, and ever since, this man has been devoted to me. He knew exactly how unwell I was, for the past seven years. Everytime I was in distress, I'd call, and he'd always, always, pick up the phone. He never made a word of complaint. He understood me better than anyone. He understood why it was difficult for me to get better. In fact, we were hoping to get married this year. Whenever my friends wronged me, I'd call him, upset. And he'd assure me how awful they are, and encourage me to burn bridges. Pretty fast, he was the only person I considered to be my "real" friend.
Things went wrong, in the bedroom one day. Around this time, last year. I think it was late spring, actually. We were intimate in the bedroom, but he insisted that condoms didn't fit him. Knowing this, he entered me anyway. I was confused. We didn't agree to that beforehand. But he never raised a hand against me before. I told him to pull out, but he didn't. I miscarried. I found brown clots in my underwear for weeks. He told me he'd spend the rest of my life making it up to me. Ever since then, I remember it did something strange to my brain. I remember calling him every spare minute of the day. And he'd always indulge me. Always pick up the phone. I couldn't so much as look at anything without him opening his wallet to get it for me. He indulged me beyond belief. Even in the bedroom, where things got intense. I remember he would call me "it", or "doll" in the bedroom.
He made a massive effort to get me my "dream house". He signed on for an apartment, insisting that he could afford it, insisting on paying most of the rent. I found out that he was lying to his parents (who were financially supporting us--we're both still quite young, finishing our final years of university) about his rent contribution. He told me to just sit tight and not lift a finger while he insisted on paying for everything. He assured me, so many times, that this was within his financial means. That he wanted to do this. That this was all for me, and he was capable of doing this. He endearingly called me his "disabled wife", and told me it was okay for me to be sick and in his care. He loved me and our cat beyond imagination.
One night, about over a month ago, he said he'd be on his way. He said he'd be on the road to take me to the hospital (for, you guessed it, suicidal thoughts), and our cat to the emergency vet. I was freaking out, thinking our cat was on her deathbed. He said he'd be on the road in 15 minutes, as he was a two hour drive away from me.
I stayed up all night. He never came.
I never heard from him again, after all those weeks. I was worried sick. I don't even remember how long it's been. Turns out, he left me. We were engaged. I only found out through the landlord when I received notice that he was trying to terminate our lease. He went ahead and told all of our mutual friends that I'm crazy, and told them all I was using him for cash. The only one of them who hasn't turned against me (she has exams this week, so it's a shame I won't be able to see her before I depart) got a phone call from him, the other day. He said that the reason he left is that he thought if he could get me the nicest possible home, without any of the stressors that existed where I previously lived (long story short, I lived with my landlord previously, and she was... unkind to me), that I'd no longer be mentally ill. When that didn't happen, he decided he couldn't do it anymore. He told all his friends I was beyond help, and I was a horrible, horrible partner to him. They've all sided against me. And when I opened up to some of them about the miscarriage, they've decided that I've been lying about that incident.
And now, all I have is some words for internet strangers. His argument was that he could have never told me he wanted to break up with me over the phone, or in person, because I would have "exploded". So he just left one day, and never came back. He promised he'd be on the road. And he never came back.
Perhaps you all will think that the relationship wasn't the healthiest. And maybe you all are right. And I would have at least, even still, liked to have the dignity of not having my friends feign support (all the while badmouthing me behind my back) for weeks before they all decided to block my contact. I would have at least liked a chance. I would have liked a chance to try to work things out. I wish he told me, at any point, what was happening. I wish I at least had the chance to right the wrongs in the relationship. But I never did.
Considering how things ended, I can't be happy. I was raped by a stranger a few weeks ago. And now, all my friends have turned their backs on me. My poor cat is so, so sweet. She doesn't know what happened. She doesn't know where my partner went. I hope we can be reunited in the afterlife.
In less than 24hrs, I will depart this world. If I can make a request of internet strangers, please keep me some company while I wait to depart. Recommend your favourite shows or movies. I honestly don't know what to do with myself, in this empty household, other than to just wait for the end. The only thing that's helping me find peace is treating myself as a terminally ill patient, and letting myself be as comfortable as possible. It's pathetic, but I've given myself as much comfort as I can by ordering takeaway instead of cooking (something I almost never allow myself to do), sleeping as much as I want, and ignoring my schoolwork entirely.
Everyone in the world is against me. It makes me sick, to imagine how they'll all say "oh well, she was unstable and crazy anyway, she just killed herself to get back to you". Or, "she just killed herself to cause you trouble/get revenge by damaging the apartment". It makes me sick. I just want my soul to be at eternal peace.
In 24hrs, I will be pulling the trigger of the firearm that I have purchased. I will be aiming at my brainstem where the hard and soft palette of my mouth connects. I can't believe this is real, but a lot of strange things have happened to me recently.
Since I have no one else to turn to, let me tell you guys I came to my decision. Right now, I'm lying to everyone in my life, telling them that I'm definitely going to live on. But that's a lie. it's weird having to pretend that everything is fine. I feel sorry for my poor, sweet cat. Fortunately, I know my mother will take her in. She's going to be okay.
Let me tell you all how this decision came to be. Like many of us, I've been entranced with the thought of suicide my whole life. Everytime the world became too much to bear, I entered a hysterical state where I could only crave killing myself, and no sense could reach me. Of course, many people tried to intervene, but sadly, help could never reach me. There was always some barrier. Parents forbidding it (when I was younger), cost, and so on and so forth. This is all-too-familiar for most of you, I'm sure.
I met someone who loved me dearly, when I was a lot younger. Seven years ago, in fact, and ever since, this man has been devoted to me. He knew exactly how unwell I was, for the past seven years. Everytime I was in distress, I'd call, and he'd always, always, pick up the phone. He never made a word of complaint. He understood me better than anyone. He understood why it was difficult for me to get better. In fact, we were hoping to get married this year. Whenever my friends wronged me, I'd call him, upset. And he'd assure me how awful they are, and encourage me to burn bridges. Pretty fast, he was the only person I considered to be my "real" friend.
Things went wrong, in the bedroom one day. Around this time, last year. I think it was late spring, actually. We were intimate in the bedroom, but he insisted that condoms didn't fit him. Knowing this, he entered me anyway. I was confused. We didn't agree to that beforehand. But he never raised a hand against me before. I told him to pull out, but he didn't. I miscarried. I found brown clots in my underwear for weeks. He told me he'd spend the rest of my life making it up to me. Ever since then, I remember it did something strange to my brain. I remember calling him every spare minute of the day. And he'd always indulge me. Always pick up the phone. I couldn't so much as look at anything without him opening his wallet to get it for me. He indulged me beyond belief. Even in the bedroom, where things got intense. I remember he would call me "it", or "doll" in the bedroom.
He made a massive effort to get me my "dream house". He signed on for an apartment, insisting that he could afford it, insisting on paying most of the rent. I found out that he was lying to his parents (who were financially supporting us--we're both still quite young, finishing our final years of university) about his rent contribution. He told me to just sit tight and not lift a finger while he insisted on paying for everything. He assured me, so many times, that this was within his financial means. That he wanted to do this. That this was all for me, and he was capable of doing this. He endearingly called me his "disabled wife", and told me it was okay for me to be sick and in his care. He loved me and our cat beyond imagination.
One night, about over a month ago, he said he'd be on his way. He said he'd be on the road to take me to the hospital (for, you guessed it, suicidal thoughts), and our cat to the emergency vet. I was freaking out, thinking our cat was on her deathbed. He said he'd be on the road in 15 minutes, as he was a two hour drive away from me.
I stayed up all night. He never came.
I never heard from him again, after all those weeks. I was worried sick. I don't even remember how long it's been. Turns out, he left me. We were engaged. I only found out through the landlord when I received notice that he was trying to terminate our lease. He went ahead and told all of our mutual friends that I'm crazy, and told them all I was using him for cash. The only one of them who hasn't turned against me (she has exams this week, so it's a shame I won't be able to see her before I depart) got a phone call from him, the other day. He said that the reason he left is that he thought if he could get me the nicest possible home, without any of the stressors that existed where I previously lived (long story short, I lived with my landlord previously, and she was... unkind to me), that I'd no longer be mentally ill. When that didn't happen, he decided he couldn't do it anymore. He told all his friends I was beyond help, and I was a horrible, horrible partner to him. They've all sided against me. And when I opened up to some of them about the miscarriage, they've decided that I've been lying about that incident.
And now, all I have is some words for internet strangers. His argument was that he could have never told me he wanted to break up with me over the phone, or in person, because I would have "exploded". So he just left one day, and never came back. He promised he'd be on the road. And he never came back.
Perhaps you all will think that the relationship wasn't the healthiest. And maybe you all are right. And I would have at least, even still, liked to have the dignity of not having my friends feign support (all the while badmouthing me behind my back) for weeks before they all decided to block my contact. I would have at least liked a chance. I would have liked a chance to try to work things out. I wish he told me, at any point, what was happening. I wish I at least had the chance to right the wrongs in the relationship. But I never did.
Considering how things ended, I can't be happy. I was raped by a stranger a few weeks ago. And now, all my friends have turned their backs on me. My poor cat is so, so sweet. She doesn't know what happened. She doesn't know where my partner went. I hope we can be reunited in the afterlife.
In less than 24hrs, I will depart this world. If I can make a request of internet strangers, please keep me some company while I wait to depart. Recommend your favourite shows or movies. I honestly don't know what to do with myself, in this empty household, other than to just wait for the end. The only thing that's helping me find peace is treating myself as a terminally ill patient, and letting myself be as comfortable as possible. It's pathetic, but I've given myself as much comfort as I can by ordering takeaway instead of cooking (something I almost never allow myself to do), sleeping as much as I want, and ignoring my schoolwork entirely.
Everyone in the world is against me. It makes me sick, to imagine how they'll all say "oh well, she was unstable and crazy anyway, she just killed herself to get back to you". Or, "she just killed herself to cause you trouble/get revenge by damaging the apartment". It makes me sick. I just want my soul to be at eternal peace.
I'll try to drop by the thread throughout next 24 hours to give you some company 
although goodbye threads are a bit hard for me to handle :] just know you're not alone and we're here for you
awhhh that's cool!! I've surprisingly never heard of those anime but they sound familiar, I definitely want to look them up now
I'm so glad you were able to save her, she sounds like an amazing cat <3 I looked up lynx point Siamese cats, they're so cute and gorgeous (*♡∀♡)
that movie is very dear to my heart so im thrilled you are watching it ^_^ ooooo baking!! 
the thing about filling your bathtub with blankets and plushies sounds so comforting and nice~ 
♡
I've never been able to convince anyone I know to watch it lmao :>
