Venting the main thing keeping me clean is my coworker

[liverviper]

One of my favorite coworkers, who is kind of like an older brother to me, worked as an EMT when I was at my worst this year. The thought of him getting a call just for it to be me, probably unsuccessful, and having to face him at work afterwards was too embarrassing—if I'd succeeded, he'd have to see that and live with that image. Now, even though he doesn't do it anymore, I still can't find any motivation. He's open about how much the things he'd see messed him up, it makes me reluctant. If he caught word, would he blame himself for not being able to be on the scene? It makes me sad, and I don't want to do that to him. I can't cut myself anymore, because I think he'd be upset at me if he found out I was keeping such a secret