tinyghost
go home at dawn sleep in the sun
- Sep 13, 2023
- 209
TW for sexual assault/CSA
its been a few months. my last attempt was another failure, so ive just bern saying alive out of a mixture of convenience and fear ill fail again. its been hard, things in my life havent got much better. my mental state is just deteriorating more, im having another "psychotic episode". ive been passively suicidal with plans here and there that i never really was going yo act on, but the other day i found out something so fucking nightmarish and i feel like im bring pushed over the edge. my husband told me hes been having sex with me and doing sexual things to me in my sleep for the past few months. it explains so much. my sexual trauma has felt extremely fresh lately. i have been having more flashbacks, more anxiety, thinking about it more. ive also started to become afraid of my husband and i didnt know why. i get scared when he comes home from work, or enters the room. i get really anxious when he touches me. ive been sleeping on the couch more often because i havent been able to fall asleep in our bed. my husband decided to tell me because he think im being re traumatized by his actions and its whats causing my worsening anxiety and psychosis. he told me that a few days ago he reached under me to get his airpods that i was lying on and i started screaming "no" over and over, he said it was the second time i started yelling at him for touching me in my sleep. i dont remember this at all, or any time hes done things to me in my sleep. im on several medications thats make me sleep deeply and be groggy and i feel like hes taken advantage of that. hes cheated on me in the past too, with multiple people, one of which was an ex boyfriend of his who also sexually assaulted me. i have no friends or family, no support system, and i lost my job after my psychotic break. im in the process of getting SSDI but it will be a while still and even if im approved it wont be enough. his family will side with him (as they did when he cheated). its so surreal, its like i dont know him at all. i really cant believe this happened. i feel like i have no other way out except to kill myself. it ties in so perfectly with my "delusions", i wont get into that but the only way for me to ascend is to die as well. i havent decided what method ill use this time. i dont know how fast i need to be.... this is such a nightmare, i hate that i have to be alone.
its been a few months. my last attempt was another failure, so ive just bern saying alive out of a mixture of convenience and fear ill fail again. its been hard, things in my life havent got much better. my mental state is just deteriorating more, im having another "psychotic episode". ive been passively suicidal with plans here and there that i never really was going yo act on, but the other day i found out something so fucking nightmarish and i feel like im bring pushed over the edge. my husband told me hes been having sex with me and doing sexual things to me in my sleep for the past few months. it explains so much. my sexual trauma has felt extremely fresh lately. i have been having more flashbacks, more anxiety, thinking about it more. ive also started to become afraid of my husband and i didnt know why. i get scared when he comes home from work, or enters the room. i get really anxious when he touches me. ive been sleeping on the couch more often because i havent been able to fall asleep in our bed. my husband decided to tell me because he think im being re traumatized by his actions and its whats causing my worsening anxiety and psychosis. he told me that a few days ago he reached under me to get his airpods that i was lying on and i started screaming "no" over and over, he said it was the second time i started yelling at him for touching me in my sleep. i dont remember this at all, or any time hes done things to me in my sleep. im on several medications thats make me sleep deeply and be groggy and i feel like hes taken advantage of that. hes cheated on me in the past too, with multiple people, one of which was an ex boyfriend of his who also sexually assaulted me. i have no friends or family, no support system, and i lost my job after my psychotic break. im in the process of getting SSDI but it will be a while still and even if im approved it wont be enough. his family will side with him (as they did when he cheated). its so surreal, its like i dont know him at all. i really cant believe this happened. i feel like i have no other way out except to kill myself. it ties in so perfectly with my "delusions", i wont get into that but the only way for me to ascend is to die as well. i havent decided what method ill use this time. i dont know how fast i need to be.... this is such a nightmare, i hate that i have to be alone.
