annxietty
anxious
- Mar 27, 2023
- 119
I missed a psychologist appointment because I lost the paper where it said the date, I kept calling to ask when was the appointment but nobody picked up the phone, so I found out it was April 2nd and I lost the appointment... today we went to reschedule the appointment but they dont have anyone working at the desk until April 25th so there was nothing to do. My sister told me that I should be more careful with this because mental health related appointments are hard to get, I agreed with her and told her that it was my fault so I had to deal with the consequences (not that going to the psychologist does anything lol the appointment is not even 1h long lmao but yeah I should have been more careful) we talked about how everything here is fucked, that it was embarrassing how they treat mental health patients, etc. Then we arrived home and my sister's husband was there, we said hello and I entered my room to get changed... then the nightmare began. My brain has blocked a huge part of what has been said, also I took 4 valium pills so I got very high... but here we go...
My sister's husband got mad because the only thing I have to worry about are my appointments and still I miss them he says, my sister told him we all forget things and that it was my first time forgetting an appointment, that we already talked about me being more responsible with it and that there wont be a next time, then he said that he stays silent but that living here has become unbearable, that he hates my attitude, that Im not finding a job, that I eat food they buy for their kid, that the situation is becoming impossible... I was in my room frozen, my sister was saying that Im looking for a job but its difficult because it would be my first job and its hard finding one, that I only eat what they allow me to eat and never leave my nephew without food, her husband said it was not true, that I devour everything and then when I finish my food I eat my nephew's food, they started arguing, my sister called me and told her husband to say those things to my face, I went there and still frozen I looked at him and he said that my attitude is horrible, that he is reaching his limit, that in june it will be a year since I came here and I havent done shit... I was frozen listening, then when I saw that I could leave I left, they kept arguing, he was saying he hates coming home (I suppose because of me), my sister started crying, my nephew was there listening to everything, my sister's husband started criticizing everything about me and living with me, anything you may imagine.
Im poison, I make everyone around me miserable, I dont want to defend myself, this is his house if he feels like this then its valid, I dont want anyone to suffer because of me, who is to blame? who is the guilty one? it doesnt matter, if my presence rots this family I have to leave... like I said in a previous thread Im not coming back to hell, so I started planning my suicide, it wont be here in this house because I dont want my nephew to see my body or hear the screams, so I guess it will have to be in a park or somewhere isolated, I dont know how effective the method is but I have a hugeeee amount of meds I think I can od with these, then when Ive already done it I will send a message to my sister so she knows, I will ask her to tell my nephew I went back to where I lived before or somewhere far away... Im poison, someone like me shouldnt exist, I bring despair to everyone.
Thank you to whoever reads this as always, I cant make short texts lol and im still a bit high.
Also I dont know when Im gonna do it, this is not a goodbye still... but the plans are being made and if someone has any ideas I will thank them, I just dont want my nephew to see me you know?
My sister's husband got mad because the only thing I have to worry about are my appointments and still I miss them he says, my sister told him we all forget things and that it was my first time forgetting an appointment, that we already talked about me being more responsible with it and that there wont be a next time, then he said that he stays silent but that living here has become unbearable, that he hates my attitude, that Im not finding a job, that I eat food they buy for their kid, that the situation is becoming impossible... I was in my room frozen, my sister was saying that Im looking for a job but its difficult because it would be my first job and its hard finding one, that I only eat what they allow me to eat and never leave my nephew without food, her husband said it was not true, that I devour everything and then when I finish my food I eat my nephew's food, they started arguing, my sister called me and told her husband to say those things to my face, I went there and still frozen I looked at him and he said that my attitude is horrible, that he is reaching his limit, that in june it will be a year since I came here and I havent done shit... I was frozen listening, then when I saw that I could leave I left, they kept arguing, he was saying he hates coming home (I suppose because of me), my sister started crying, my nephew was there listening to everything, my sister's husband started criticizing everything about me and living with me, anything you may imagine.
Im poison, I make everyone around me miserable, I dont want to defend myself, this is his house if he feels like this then its valid, I dont want anyone to suffer because of me, who is to blame? who is the guilty one? it doesnt matter, if my presence rots this family I have to leave... like I said in a previous thread Im not coming back to hell, so I started planning my suicide, it wont be here in this house because I dont want my nephew to see my body or hear the screams, so I guess it will have to be in a park or somewhere isolated, I dont know how effective the method is but I have a hugeeee amount of meds I think I can od with these, then when Ive already done it I will send a message to my sister so she knows, I will ask her to tell my nephew I went back to where I lived before or somewhere far away... Im poison, someone like me shouldnt exist, I bring despair to everyone.
Thank you to whoever reads this as always, I cant make short texts lol and im still a bit high.
Also I dont know when Im gonna do it, this is not a goodbye still... but the plans are being made and if someone has any ideas I will thank them, I just dont want my nephew to see me you know?
