"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[HighFlight]

Good morning, and Welcome to the weekend!

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Happy weekend!

 

[LoneMarineBitterman]

Hello!

I'm not entirely sure on how to "start" with this website. Whether I make a post discussing my current position within this forum or maybe 'Suicide Discussion'. I'm a bit at odds with the idea of suicide and recovery I suppose. I certainly don't feel the best about myself (especially in the last two to three months) but at the same time I don't want to entirely give up. I suppose I feel that if I've been keeping at it for the last nine years, it seems silly to let an intense peak of these feelings completely crash me up.

Maybe somebody else on here can give me an idea to leap off with?

To end on something different, I've been listening to L.L. Cool J quite a bit recently. I ran through some of his stuff back in late Jan/early Feb but have recently sort of "come back to it". Quite recommend 'BAD: Bigger and Deffer' - Can't say it's a perfect album, or one everybody would enjoy but... I like it a lot. Three standouts for me are: 'I'm Bad', 'Ahh, Let's Get Ill' and 'The Do Wop'.

Hope peoples' mornings, days, afternoons or nights go well. Not exactly glad to be here, but I'm hoping maybe I can catch some wisdom off people.

 

[whywere]

1st off glad to have you here with everyone! A late WELCOME!

I hope, as I have, that you find this site to be filled with kind, caring and ever so lovely folks.

Have a wonderful week filled with well wishes.

Walter

 

[Praestat_Mori]

@LoneMarineBitterman Welcome to the forum!

 

[894uhjdjfn38hcnwm23]

I feel terrible now. And it's seeming like it will only ever get worse.

My only choices in life are try really hard and still be under the mercy of a thing I have zero control over. For instance healthcare bureaucracy and my family.

Both institutions, which would just love to be rid of me. Setting traps for me, which I always see coming but have no choice but to fall in them, else I am damned.
I have a wedding, I have to attend on Saturday. 12 or 13 hours of horrible anxiety and panic and act normal or else I am not human.
There is a 10 percent chance I'll make it and be again, under extreme conditions, considered part of the family, but since the people judging my performance never play fair and never will, the entire exercise is just another excuse for them to show me up as a roach.

I was hoping to skip the entire thing and start working a back-breaking job at a meat packing factory, but I can't because I need to be signed off by a doctor and they're on vacation until the end of the month.
That is of course, that they do let me through, but its not a given and they can just decide to be an asshole and not let me work.

I'm thinking again of just ctbing, but that only option is under a train.

 

[HighFlight]

I'm not entirely sure on how to "start" with this website. Whether I make a post discussing my current position within this forum or maybe 'Suicide Discussion'. I'm a bit at odds with the idea of suicide and recovery I suppose. I certainly don't feel the best about myself (especially in the last two to three months) but at the same time I don't want to entirely give up. I suppose I feel that if I've been keeping at it for the last nine years, it seems silly to let an intense peak of these feelings completely crash me up.

Maybe somebody else on here can give me an idea to leap off with?

Congratulations! You made your first leap. Welcome to the Recovery thread. I'm glad you found your way here. Although I'm sorry your life has brought you to the point of joining this site.

When I joined over a year ago, work, family mental and physical health left me feeling like I had no future. While those feeling still persist, this community has been kind and caring, and I felt I could open up about thing I could tell my therapist. I have stuck around for the benefit of my kids, although I will lose two sons this week (but that's another story).

Where to begin? Start by reading other's stories. Post your own, either in a new thread or in the Introduce Yourself thread. Youre welcome to post additional details here in this thread, or if you're not comfortable posting publicly, feel free to dm me (or let me know you'd like to talk and I can dm you.)

Based on you initial post here, I would recommend avoiding the Suicide Discussion forum for the time being. There can be some dark threads that may not be helpful until you make that decision.

have a wedding, I have to attend on Saturday. 12 or 13 hours of horrible anxiety and panic and act normal or else I am not human.

I can totally relate... I had to attend a wedding a few weeks ago and while I love my nephew, it was completely overwhelming. I found a trick though... find the oldest person in at the reception and go a sit with them. They probably won't be able to hear you so you don't have to talk, and you look like a saint for keep them company. I also took long walks around the venue to escape the crowds.

And I hope all goes well with the doctor's office. That job doesn't sound like the most pleasant, but at least you'd be working and contributing.

Wishing you all just a little peace as we slowly wrap down the summer.

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

I think I will start writing here
Hello my name is Turnerkof and today was kinda a rollercoaster day, once again I felt motivated and decided to take a free day from training and go to the mall didn't bought too much, I am saving money for my PC because I can't play games on my current one since a year and I bought some stuff
My day went a little worse because the guy I like seems to be acting very distant with me lately because I mini apologized for stuff I did due my insecurities, please don't blame him.
And I am not sure if send him a message but I will be strong and just avoid chat with him, anyways today was a bit bad at the top but maybe if i sleep i will feel better tomorrow and hopefully he will respond in a positive way and that distance would be only in my head and honestly that would make me very very very happy.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

@Sir. Turnerkof Welcome to the Recovery thread.

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @Sir. Turnerkof, welcome to the Recovery Support Thread.

My day went a little worse because the guy I like seems to be acting very distant with me lately because I mini apologized for stuff I did due my insecurities, please don't blame him.

Don't worry, we won't blame him. But at the same time you don't have to apologize for being who you are either. It's important to give yourself some grace, as none of us are perfect.

And a good night sleep is always helpful. I hope you sleep well, and awaken to face the challenges of tomorrow.

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

@Sir. Turnerkof Welcome to the Recovery thread.

Thanks a lot!

Hi @Sir. Turnerkof, welcome to the Recovery Support Thread.


Don't worry, we won't blame him. But at the same time you don't have to apologize for being who you are either. It's important to give yourself some grace, as none of us are perfect.

And a good night sleep is always helpful. I hope you sleep well, and awaken to face the challenges of tomorrow.

I accept my mistakes and I have become better, that's why I wanted to apologize and for him to know i am becoming a better man
Thanks for your warm welcome, today was a bit shitty due my father but it's alright. I plan to keep fighting my thoughts of worry and panic and terror

 

[LoneMarineBitterman]

I have stuck around for the benefit of my kids, although I will lose two sons this week (but that's another story).

That's really unfortunate... Sorry you have to go through something like that. I hope you've got some good support with the people around you or that are on this website.

Youre welcome to post additional details here in this thread, or if you're not comfortable posting publicly, feel free to dm me (or let me know you'd like to talk and I can dm you.)

I'm not able to message people yet but if you're able to message me then that might be nice :)
I guess I can also think of how to summarise my situation into a short thread at some point too. Just have to think of what's relevant and what I can weed out.

 

[894uhjdjfn38hcnwm23]

I can totally relate... I had to attend a wedding a few weeks ago and while I love my nephew, it was completely overwhelming. I found a trick though... find the oldest person in at the reception and go a sit with them. They probably won't be able to hear you so you don't have to talk, and you look like a saint for keep them company. I also took long walks around the venue to escape the crowds.

And I hope all goes well with the doctor's office. That job doesn't sound like the most pleasant, but at least you'd be working and contributing.

Wishing you all just a little peace as we slowly wrap down the summer.

I would get noticed and treated with suspicion, if I tried something like that. Besides the fact that oldest person specifically doesnt like me.

 

[whywere]

I would get noticed and treated with suspicion, if I tried something like that. Besides the fact that oldest person specifically doesnt like me.

Beautiful photos of the sky, REALLY loved them!

You have a great eye for photography.

Have a great rest of this week.

Walter

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I would get noticed and treated with suspicion, if I tried something like that. Besides the fact that oldest person specifically doesnt like me.

Gorgeous photos!

 

[HighFlight]

I would get noticed and treated with suspicion, if I tried something like that. Besides the fact that oldest person specifically doesnt like me.

Well, you'll need to get creative. For me, the music got so loud that I needed to get out. If left the venue and went outside and enjoyed the peace. Here was my view of the reception:



I wish you all the best in getting through such a traumatic experience.

I'm not able to message people yet but if you're able to message me then that might be nice :)

Yes, that is normal for new members. Chat, private messages and search are disabled initially. Once you posted a certain number of times, the permissions will automatically be enabled. So keep posting, either responding to threads like here, or feel free to create your own thread.

In the meantime, I'll drop you a quick message if you want to talk or have any questions.

I accept my mistakes and I have become better, that's why I wanted to apologize and for him to know i am becoming a better man
Thanks for your warm welcome, today was a bit shitty due my father but it's alright. I plan to keep fighting my thoughts of worry and panic and terror

It's great that you can turn your mistakes into learning experiences. I working with a large tech firm training their managers that it's OK for people to make mistakes and the best teams are those where people can openly admit them.

I'm sorry today was shitty, and while you're fighting your inner voice, take some time to tell yourself how good you are. Try not to focus on just the bad. Life is about both the good and bad - they go hand in hand.

Be sure to take care of yourself first.

Walter (@whywere), I'm glad you are able to join the thread. Thank you for bringing your kind words to a community that doesn't hear them enough.

I haven't been out walking too much the past week, but here are a couple of pictures.

 

[Tesha]

I shared the following on another part of the site just now, but thought it might be ok here as well..

I laughed out loud for the first time in a long time today. In the weirdest of circumstances…

I met with my care coordinator earlier, as we're trying to navigate keeping me in the community, rather than a hospital. My team are fantastic and their positive risk taking is helping me immensely.

We started to talk about my Pegasos application (I've requested my medical notes for the application, which is why they know). She was surprised it cost 10,000 Swiss Francs. I looked up and just said, well they need to make their money, it's not like they get return customers…… despite her best's attempts, she couldn't hold it in and broke out in laughter.

It felt good to laugh.

I was also got sent this meme by a friend earlier.. hopefully it'll bring a small smile to anyone who's feeling a bit low right now.

We've got this…

 

[894uhjdjfn38hcnwm23]

good morning

 

[Praestat_Mori]

@HighFlight Gorgeous photos!!!

 

[894uhjdjfn38hcnwm23]

good morning

 

[Tesha]

Morning (or afternoon as it is for me now).

I've got a question…

Right now I'm going through a stage of really struggling with my ideation and keeping myself safe; my MH team consider me to be in crisis. To counteract this, I somewhat unconsciously go into 'help and support others mode'. Mainly in real life, but I notice I do it on here as well. So… does anyone else have an internal switch that results in them helping others when they are actually the person in crisis?

 

[Final_Choice]

Hello everyone, I used to be somewhat active on here but I lost the will to even get on here anymore and left even though I still thought of several people on here. I'm back now and wanted to see if I can participate in this thread again, hopefully I'll last longer because I emotionally combust again and leave once more.

Right now I'm going through a stage of really struggling with my ideation and keeping myself safe; my MH team consider me to be in crisis. To counteract this, I somewhat unconsciously go into 'help and support others mode'. Mainly in real life, but I notice I do it on here as well. So… does anyone else have an internal switch that results in them helping others when they are actually the person in crisis?

I do this a lot, especially when I can be considered to be in a crisis but also when it's not that severe. For me it's mostly just that being able to help someone who's going through something similar, or even if it's something completely unrelated, feels good and is probably the only thing that makes me feel something. I think at least. I have a close online friend who goes through the same thing, and I've seen a lot of crisis counselors do this as well from time to time.

 

[whywere]

Attended a wedding yesterday. It was alright, I drank a bit. Noone bothered me, I think. I was mostly racking my brain trying not to be too awkward, had some fun looking at my younger brother trying to be a pick up artist.

It was just a wedding, really.

View attachment 148545

View attachment 148546

WONDERFUL photos really liked the one with the church in it.

You do GREAT work and THANK YOU so much for sharing. you really are family to/for me.

Walter

 

[HighFlight]

Attended a wedding yesterday. It was alright, I drank a bit. Noone bothered me, I think. I was mostly racking my brain trying not to be too awkward, had some fun looking at my younger brother trying to be a pick up artist.

Really glad you survived the wedding, and even had some positive things to say about it.

Great pictures, too!

Happy Monday! The hamster wheel starts over again.

 

[HighFlight]

does anyone else have an internal switch that results in them helping others when they are actually the person in crisis?

Testament, I've been doing this most my life. Focus on other people's problems and repressing my own. It's created a situation where every friend relationship is one of convenience - they're my friend as long as I can provide something they need. Once that is no longer needed, the friendship vanishes.

I hope you can get out of this crisis mode. But I don't think it's bad to focus on others short-term as a coping mechanism. Just don't let it consume you.

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

Sorry for not being active these days, I have been suddenly feeling very tired and weirdly enough I can't sleep it off and I can't sleep until it's very late. I thought it was my sleep schedule but even when I slept early I woke up very late, very tired, and my efficiency in work has dropped dramatically....

Luckly this tiredness has not altered the thoughts in my head and I still feel normal... more racional, and more calm...

I hope each one of you had a very cool weekend

Btw if you need a cool song to chill out and think I always use my childhood song "Island theme" from Adventure time, it's childish but it's the only song that survived my childhood

 

[894uhjdjfn38hcnwm23]

good morning. gonna be a long day today

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

It's been a very productive day, I managed to not escalate a problem with my parents and everything went cold in just some minutes, these problems are usually unprovoked and thus making me angry, i got angry today but i could manage it, I am becoming more self aware of my emotions and controlling them better, it was a good day

 

[Makoto]

Hello everyone, I hope you are well and have had a great day.

I have always wanted to commit suicide, but a few months ago I made the decision that suicide is no longer an option for me. So I'm trying my best to build a life, taking care of my responsibilities and being a good person. However sometimes I feel really bad (I guess we all have our own personal burden and we should carry it as best as we can) I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and that's why I created this account. I didn't create this account with the intention of venting exactly. But I would like to share with people who are going through similar things and are trying to live a life the best they can and support mutually.



After deciding suicide is no longer an option, I have had to face reality with the fact that I am not a woman. It has been difficult, very difficult. But I can't expect to live a life when I'm full of resentment and hatred towards myself. I never made any type of transition, neither hormonal nor social (one of the things I hated the most about myself was my personality). I respect people who decide to transition, but I always had a lot of homophobia due to my environment(and cowardice) and that's why I didn't even dare to come out of the closet. This is why a transition would never work for me. My problem isn't exactly how I look, it's that I hate the way I am. What I did all my life was completely dissociate my personality, both in public and alone. Forcing myself all the time to be another person, with another tastes and another attitudes, even anoter way of thinking. I began to feel a lot of dysphoria after my adolescence that has followed me to this day...

I came to the conclusion, because of all this, that if I was going to have a life I should learn to be happy like a man. But I couldn't continue dissociating my personality, forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I had to accept myself, accept that it's okay for me to be the way I am, even as a man. I had to forgive myself for treating myself so badly, and accept myself... And that's what I've been trying to do these last few weeks.

I have made a lot of progress and I don't feel as much dysphoria as often and my social anxiety is decreasing... although I haven't changed the way I look, but I have changed the way I treat myself. Now when I feel like doing something or saying something that I would never have allowed myself to do before, I remind myself where that attitude take me... and I allow myself to do things the way I feel I want to do (before, I didn't even allow myself to think freely, the slightest thought that crossed my mind that I considered "feminine", was reason to scold myself)



Although it have had their ups and downs, the last few weeks have been mostly positive. I'm learning to live with myself. I feel like I'll be able to stop being a mess and then I'll be able to take care of the people I love and have a life of my own... maybe then find a partner and start a family by myself(at least now I see a future... and that, honestly, makes me want to cry with joy).

Sorry for the long post, I didn't think I would have so much to write.... I read it, and it's all so confusing that I don't even understand it myself haha.

Love and strength.

 

[Sir. Turnerkof]

Hello everyone, I hope you are well and have had a great day.

I have always wanted to commit suicide, but a few months ago I made the decision that suicide is no longer an option for me. So I'm trying my best to build a life, taking care of my responsibilities and being a good person. However sometimes I feel really bad (I guess we all have our own personal burden and we should carry it as best as we can) I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and that's why I created this account. I didn't create this account with the intention of venting exactly. But I would like to share with people who are going through similar things and are trying to live a life the best they can and support mutually.



After deciding suicide is no longer an option, I have had to face reality with the fact that I am not a woman. It has been difficult, very difficult. But I can't expect to live a life when I'm full of resentment and hatred towards myself. I never made any type of transition, neither hormonal nor social (one of the things I hated the most about myself was my personality). I respect people who decide to transition, but I always had a lot of homophobia due to my environment(and cowardice) and that's why I didn't even dare to come out of the closet. This is why a transition would never work for me. My problem isn't exactly how I look, it's that I hate the way I am. What I did all my life was completely dissociate my personality, both in public and alone. Forcing myself all the time to be another person, with another tastes and another attitudes, even anoter way of thinking. I began to feel a lot of dysphoria after my adolescence that has followed me to this day...

I came to the conclusion, because of all this, that if I was going to have a life I should learn to be happy like a man. But I couldn't continue dissociating my personality, forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I had to accept myself, accept that it's okay for me to be the way I am, even as a man. I had to forgive myself for treating myself so badly, and accept myself... And that's what I've been trying to do these last few weeks.

I have made a lot of progress and I don't feel as much dysphoria as often and my social anxiety is decreasing... although I haven't changed the way I look, but I have changed the way I treat myself. Now when I feel like doing something or saying something that I would never have allowed myself to do before, I remind myself where that attitude take me... and I allow myself to do things the way I feel I want to do (before, I didn't even allow myself to think freely, the slightest thought that crossed my mind that I considered "feminine", was reason to scold myself)



Although it have had their ups and downs, the last few weeks have been mostly positive. I'm learning to live with myself. I feel like I'll be able to stop being a mess and then I'll be able to take care of the people I love and have a life of my own... maybe then find a partner and start a family by myself(at least now I see a future... and that, honestly, makes me want to cry with joy).

Sorry for the long post, I didn't think I would have so much to write.... I read it, and it's all so confusing that I don't even understand it myself haha.

Love and strength.

I find difficult to understand other people but you're very strong for that, I am proud of you
Today was a bit deppresing, some little bad thoughts and paranoia are coming this way, hopefully i am trying to get my mind cold again, hope i can make it