Hello everyone, I hope you are well and have had a great day.
I have always wanted to commit suicide, but a few months ago I made the decision that suicide is no longer an option for me. So I'm trying my best to build a life, taking care of my responsibilities and being a good person. However sometimes I feel really bad (I guess we all have our own personal burden and we should carry it as best as we can) I don't have anyone to talk to about it, and that's why I created this account. I didn't create this account with the intention of venting exactly. But I would like to share with people who are going through similar things and are trying to live a life the best they can and support mutually.
After deciding suicide is no longer an option, I have had to face reality with the fact that I am not a woman. It has been difficult, very difficult. But I can't expect to live a life when I'm full of resentment and hatred towards myself. I never made any type of transition, neither hormonal nor social (one of the things I hated the most about myself was my personality). I respect people who decide to transition, but I always had a lot of homophobia due to my environment(and cowardice) and that's why I didn't even dare to come out of the closet. This is why a transition would never work for me. My problem isn't exactly how I look, it's that I hate the way I am. What I did all my life was completely dissociate my personality, both in public and alone. Forcing myself all the time to be another person, with another tastes and another attitudes, even anoter way of thinking. I began to feel a lot of dysphoria after my adolescence that has followed me to this day...
I came to the conclusion, because of all this, that if I was going to have a life I should learn to be happy like a man. But I couldn't continue dissociating my personality, forcing myself to be someone I'm not. I had to accept myself, accept that it's okay for me to be the way I am, even as a man. I had to forgive myself for treating myself so badly, and accept myself... And that's what I've been trying to do these last few weeks.
I have made a lot of progress and I don't feel as much dysphoria as often and my social anxiety is decreasing... although I haven't changed the way I look, but I have changed the way I treat myself. Now when I feel like doing something or saying something that I would never have allowed myself to do before, I remind myself where that attitude take me... and I allow myself to do things the way I feel I want to do (before, I didn't even allow myself to think freely, the slightest thought that crossed my mind that I considered "feminine", was reason to scold myself)
Although it have had their ups and downs, the last few weeks have been mostly positive. I'm learning to live with myself. I feel like I'll be able to stop being a mess and then I'll be able to take care of the people I love and have a life of my own... maybe then find a partner and start a family by myself(at least now I see a future... and that, honestly, makes me want to cry with joy).
Sorry for the long post, I didn't think I would have so much to write.... I read it, and it's all so confusing that I don't even understand it myself haha.
Love and strength
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