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UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
Maybe I'm just confrontational at heart? Or try to nitpick, having high standards? There seems to be a blind spot in everyone I read.
I can kind of get this, I think. People have actually told me that they perceive me to be exactly like this, but I don't really see myself this way so I don't really know. But I do know that seeing the blind spots others don't see is an alienating feeling, especially when you can't quite say what those things are within the groups you're supposed to be able to relate to. It makes it so that you feel disconnected even when you're at the center of something, like a ghost just watching other people relate to one another.
By that I mean just being content with my hikkikomori style, I don't mean actual monastic orders, haha. I already knew that my strivings to handholding / headpats / sex (choose the more offensive option) were cringe, as it's clearly not "in the cards".
I'm sorry for taking everything so literally hahaha. But I understand this now! If it helps at all, I don't really think those desires are cringe even as an open misandrist in recovery lol. You are only human after all. If I may take another thing literally, even the outcome that's "in the cards" can be changed with some work, and I was never of the belief that there's a definitive future. But since we're not being literal, then certainly, if you're going to settle into the hikki/monk lifestyle, these things really won't be for you. The focus should then be finding ways to go without, which will probably end up taking you down the philosophical or spiritual route anyway, honestly.
After all, it's all in my head. I can perceive it any way I'd like to.
This is a really good way to think of it. But I think it's also worth asking if the "whining" really was fake, or if there may be a part of your nature that you haven't recognized yet.

I wish I was possessed by a cleaning bug. Sometimes I pray for mania so I can just get things done. I'm still going to be cleaning up today, sadly. 😔
P.S. Today a Twitch streamer watcher has mentioned her name for the first time in passing (just in jest). Oh no, magic. I mean, I could tell someone in a month if she never comes back? Although even my autistic self is sure it could be highly impolite, to put it mildly.
I would say that this probably isn't your place, too. It would probably be the place of a family member or closer friend to announce if she's really passed away.
i find a lot of the suicide discussion threads to be doomer-dense and its less actual discussion and more just circle jerking traumas and personal opinions against medical facts.
Same, and this is also coming from someone who worked a healthcare/psych adjacent job. But you're right, that space can coexist with this one, and while it's frustrating and just plain annoying sometimes to see certain mindsets, I treat it like how I treat work. People are suffering and they want to be heard instead of challenged; this is a place that allows that and I would much rather us have this than nothing. I only worry about people who are easily influenced by this kind of thing. I think if I had found this place when I was younger and going through the worst period of my life (so far lol) in 2018 or 2019, I would have been a sasu doomer too. To normal people though I am already a doomer. 😭

I am happy for this thread, too. I think the conversations that we've had here have been constructive and hopefully helpful!

@kawaiiphantom I just realized I usually try to ask people questions to get them in on the conversation and I forgot something that I wanted to ask you! I know you said you're suicidal, but I saw you hanging out in the recovery section a lot. Do you want to recover, or are you undecided on that?
 
Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Arcanist
Sep 10, 2023
431
@UsagiDrop

Sorry for the later answer but I was tired. The last couple of days have been good so far but I drank too much and was tired. And now I'm scared of too much brain and liver damage... what the liquid does to my body is to be expected but I'll try to abstain from it if I can.

My mind feels less dull now but most of the day I'm too to do much of anything. Just trying to rest and feel better.
 
kawaiiphantom

kawaiiphantom

I gently open the door
Feb 1, 2024
303
Hey @UsagiDrop 💗💗💗🐇 !! Honestly I'm 99% sure I want to ctb but there is a small part of me that thinks I can recover, although I remain doubtful about that. Sometimes I have gone back and forth on it a lot, especially the past few months.

I really like the recovery section and helping people, not only that but ik there's some amazing people over here that I love interacting with, including you! I just hope I don't ever effect the people in recovery section negatively

If it's okay, I would like to share that I'm having a better day than usual today! Im working on drawing requests and generally feel much less depressed, and have more energy, things seem a little more colorful than their usual grey darkness ^_^

How have you been today UsagiDrop? 🌸🌸🌸
sanrio GIF
 
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
Update to Our Support Thread

I hope this message finds you well. We've made a few adjustments to our thread to better reflect our goals and ensure it's a supportive space for everyone.

What's Changed?
  • The original post has been updated to more accurately describe the purpose of our thread and how we can support each other.
  • We've also streamlined the conversation by hiding some initial administrative posts to keep our focus on support and sharing.
Why These Changes?
We believe these updates will make our thread more welcoming and easier to navigate for those seeking support and connection.

If you have any thoughts or suggestions, feel free to share them. Remember, this is our shared space, and together, we make it a haven for support and understanding.

Thank you for being a part of our community. Let's continue to support each other with kindness and empathy.
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
Sorry for the later answer but I was tired.
You never have to apologize! You should take your time getting back to me, and us. I definitely understand not feeling well, but I'm happy to hear from you today.
And now I'm scared of too much brain and liver damage... what the liquid does to my body is to be expected but I'll try to abstain from it if I can.
Yeah, this hits me really hard too. After my last mini-bender with drugs, for a full day, I could barely talk because my thoughts were moving too fast for my lagging body. And as I'm getting older it takes so much longer for me to recover from hangovers, which I previously and foolishly thought I was impervious to. Thinking about cirrhosis may stop me for a day or two of drinking but I'm still stuck on that desire to have one at least every day.

If you're comfortable with sharing, what is it that drives you to drinking? Have you ever thought about joining a support group if the addiction gets too dire? You don't have to answer me, but finding out the answers to those questions is helpful in trying to quit. I know my drinking is triggered by stress and I haven't been drinking quite as much since trying to find other ways to manage it.

Please get some rest, and drink lots of water to flush all of the bad liquids out of your system! I really hope that you begin to feel better soon!!
I really like the recovery section and helping people, not only that but ik there's some amazing people over here that I love interacting with, including you! I just hope I don't ever effect the people in recovery section negatively
I enjoy interacting with you as well! That's why I'm happy to see that you want to join in on this thread, since I mostly hang around here, haha. I do enjoy the recovery section for these same reasons, as well. Like I previously stated I do understand other's pain and don't want to take away from their outlet, which is why I hang out around here, where I think my approach to things is more welcome. I really enjoy helping people, it makes me feel like I have a purpose which helps with the whole being-alive-against-my-will thing.

I don't think that you'll effect people here negatively. Contrary to popular belief I don't think it's a bad thing to be gloomy on this side of the forum, nor is it unwelcome. We're also suicidal and express those thoughts too, it's just that I think people who are in recovery are more so looking for solutions so that they could continue living as opposed to only having our pain validated before we die, and neither of those approaches are bad. I actually really appreciate that there's a space for all kinds of people here.
If it's okay, I would like to share that I'm having a better day than usual today!
It's always okay to share your day here! Even when nobody's talking in here you're allowed to just randomly come and tell us, I know I would definitely love to hear it. I'm happy that today is being kinder to you, and thank you again for sharing your art with the forum. I still really love the cute bunny that you drew for my profile banner! I kind of want a plushy that looks like that, now.
Sometimes I have gone back and forth on it a lot, especially the past few months.
If it isn't too much for you to get into, may I know why this is? Has something changed in the past few months to make you want to recover? I'm like everyone else here and I definitely respect your decision, I'm not trying to tell you how to feel because I feel the same way about myself. But like I said to Tokugawa the other day, if there's any wiggle room for doubt, then it's always best to leave your options open!

It may be worth it to make a list of things that make you wanna die and a list of things that make you want to live, kind of like a pros and cons list of life. From there, you'll be able to weigh your options and maybe even see that some of the things that make you want to throw in the towel may be fixable.
How have you been today UsagiDrop? 🌸🌸🌸
Thank you for asking! I'm doing alright today. I'm a little depressed but that's just the normal thing. I think I'm disappointed because I didn't get a lot done yesterday; I wanted to deep clean half my kitchen (dishes, sink, microwave, oven, etc) and care for my plants. But the kitchen took a lot longer than I thought, and I strained my arms doing it, so I'm taking a break today… My poor plants lol. It suddenly got really cold anyway so today may not be the best day to shock them with new soil. But I still feel unproductive.
 
Final_Choice

Final_Choice

Mage
Aug 3, 2023
502
Hey everyone, this seems like a really supportive thread with lots of cool people and I'd like to join if possible. I'm pretty certain I will CTB by my date in about a year from now but I'm trying to do everything possible to recover until then so this could help. How are you all doing?
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
Welcome, @Final_Choice! Even though you have a date in mind, you're definitely still welcome here. Just wanting to feel better until the time comes is a valid reason to post in here, and we're all going to respect your choice. Still, I'm happy that you're open to recovery within that timeframe. If you're comfortable with answering, what sorts of things are you doing to aid in your possible recovery? And are there things that you haven't tried yet that you think may help?
How are you all doing?
Thank you for asking! I'm doing alright, still a bit disappointed in my lack of productivity today but seeing as the evening is upon me I'm starting to get over that. How are you doing today?
 
Final_Choice

Final_Choice

Mage
Aug 3, 2023
502
Welcome, @Final_Choice! Even though you have a date in mind, you're definitely still welcome here. Just wanting to feel better until the time comes is a valid reason to post in here, and we're all going to respect your choice. Still, I'm happy that you're open to recovery within that timeframe. If you're comfortable with answering, what sorts of things are you doing to aid in your possible recovery? And are there things that you haven't tried yet that you think may help?

Thank you for asking! I'm doing alright, still a bit disappointed in my lack of productivity today but seeing as the evening is upon me I'm starting to get over that. How are you doing today?
I've tried a lot (meds, therapy, counseling, psych ward, etc.) not sure what else there is, I'm sure there's stuff I haven't tried yet but I probably just haven't come across it yet or don't have access to it. Everything I've tried has been base level, like I haven't tried any special therapy nor tried an extensive amount of med combinations to find something that works, but I've tried some of them.

I also haven't been very productive today. I woke up late and missed all but one of my classes. I went to that class and barely paid attention, then got back to my dorm and napped until about an hour ago. Very unproductive and it may cost me later, but it was a good nap. Overall I'm doing alright.
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
Causes of drinking are sadness and wanting to numb feelings. Stress too.
Thank you for sharing, I definitely get all of this. I'm constantly doing something to try to numb or distract myself from my feelings, which isn't always healthy. Sometimes it's beneficial to sit with ourselves and try to feel our feelings, but that really can be unbearable, especially when we're attempting to do it all alone. I wish I had advice but I hope you feel less alone since we're unfortunately having similar struggles. I really hope that you can abstain too, at least a little!

Maybe we both should try a challenge next week and attempt to go one full day without drinking… :') Honestly that sounds so hard to me, especially entering a new month, but I have done it before.
Everything I've tried has been base level, like I haven't tried any special therapy nor tried an extensive amount of med combinations to find something that works, but I've tried some of them.
Thank you for sharing, too! It sounds like you've tried a lot, even if they are base level things. I take it nothing has really stuck or sunk in so far for you yet, and I get that. I think there's a megathred of the special types of therapy pinned in this subforum but it honestly kind of stinks that some of us will have to go to those lengths, because from my understanding getting into anything that isn't standard talk therapy is a lot less accessible. You don't have to tell me what the diagnosis is if you've gotten one, but has anybody diagnosed you with anything? Seeing a specialist in what you're specifically dealing with can work wonders, I've heard.

This is also a personal question that you don't have to answer (I'm sorry for asking so many of these), but why do you want to die by next year? Is there something missing from your life that you feel you can't achieve, or a deadline that's approaching you for next year? I guess I'm kind of curious, but again, you don't have to answer!
I also haven't been very productive today.
I've definitely had days like this in college. I hope it won't cost you a lot, there should still be time in the semester to make up for anything. On the bright side, at least you got some rest! Sometimes our bodies really need that, it's surprisingly exhausting being suicidal.
 
Final_Choice

Final_Choice

Mage
Aug 3, 2023
502
Thank you for sharing, too! It sounds like you've tried a lot, even if they are base level things. I take it nothing has really stuck or sunk in so far for you yet, and I get that. I think there's a megathred of the special types of therapy pinned in this subforum but it honestly kind of stinks that some of us will have to go to those lengths, because from my understanding getting into anything that isn't standard talk therapy is a lot less accessible. You don't have to tell me what the diagnosis is if you've gotten one, but has anybody diagnosed you with anything? Seeing a specialist in what you're specifically dealing with can work wonders, I've heard.
I've gotten several diagnoses for different things, I don't feel comfortable saying it in a public thread but would love to tell you in pms if you want.

This is also a personal question that you don't have to answer (I'm sorry for asking so many of these), but why do you want to die by next year? Is there something missing from your life that you feel you can't achieve, or a deadline that's approaching you for next year? I guess I'm kind of curious, but again, you don't have to answer!
Just to minimize damage for the people around me. My plan is to graduate by next year, say that I got a job somewhere far away and move there, then try to make it an accident. Can't do it in college since it'll probably make the news and don't want that and doing it at home wouldn't be pretty for the family either. I don't mind answering any questions, it's fun.

I've definitely had days like this in college. I hope it won't cost you a lot, there should still be time in the semester to make up for anything. On the bright side, at least you got some rest! Sometimes our bodies really need that, it's surprisingly exhausting being suicidal.
It really is very exhausting being suicidal. It was a good nap at least. Thankfully this week is pretty light so I should be fine.
 
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
In no particular order...

pls don't ban me for politics
You are not in danger of being banned from this thread for expressing political views. 💜 Feel free to add politics to your messages to help make a point or provide background information. Just don't turn the thread into a political debate - there's a sub-forum under Off-Topic for actual political discussions.

Always interesting to hear about your ketamine treatments. I've heard the effects tend to be short lasting. Have you found it worthwhile despite that?
The ketamine has been both a blessing and a curse. The journeys have proven to be an interesting experience, and while I can't always make out the meanings, there always is something I get out of them. Additionally, the ketamine boosts my mood for about 4-5 days afterwards. I'm not sure I'd recommend the approach I'm using - ketamine-assisted psychotherapy. However, the studies around ketamine have been positive, but that usually means dosing several times a week for 4-6 weeks.

My provider doesn't have room on his schedule, so we're discussing micro-dosing on a daily basis. Most to come on that if we actually move forward with it.

To be honest, I like the hug reaction as well– I've just heard so many people bash it that I figured I'd play into its infamy by making that joke :pfff:
OK, OK, OK... I have no issue with the strange little hug emoji. However, I wish we had another, more serious hug for those times when a hug is needed but the giant smiley face isn't really appropriate. Just my 2-cents...

I was wondering if it's okay to join this thread if I still feel suicidal? It just seems like there's some really cool and kind people here and It's such a welcoming space 🌸 :]
Absolutely 💯... this thread is open to everyone on the site. In my mind, the only real rule is to treat each other with the same respect and kindness we would want in return.
If it's okay, I would like to share that I'm having a better day than usual today!
It's always nice to hear when people are having a better day. So please feel free to share when you have good days and bad. And when your having a better day, maybe reach out to someone whose day isn't so good and provide some kind words. Even if it's just to let them know they are important to us.

I must say that there's been a solid upturn in activity on this thread over the past few days. Much of this is due to several new members joining the thread for the first time. To all of the, Welcome!

Just a reminder, this thread is in the public domain and we all tend to ask personal questions. There is no pressure to answer any question you are not comfortable with. And in some cases, it is easier to reply in a dm as opposed to the thread. Several of us are open to direct messages, including myself.

Wish you all can find a little peace along your journey. 🫂
 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
But like I said to Tokugawa the other day, if there's any wiggle room for doubt, then it's always best to leave your options open!
Just to show how confrontational and nitpicky I can get, I cannot help pointing out that the first name in the Japanese/Hungarian naming system is actually the surname. Ironically, that's the way the official Russo-Ukrainian system is set up as well - at least, in school. And I have recently seen a concentration camp inmate's death certificate in German (on Wikipedia), and it's like that as well! So it's English that's the odd one out?

You are not in danger of being banned from this thread for expressing political views. 💜 Feel free to add politics to your messages to help make a point or provide background information.
《'Dark is the water of Kheled-zâram, and cold are the springs of Kibil-nâla, and fair were the many-pillared halls of Khazad-dûm in Elder Days before the fall of mighty kings beneath the stone.' She looked upon Gimli, who sat glowering and sad, and she smiled. And the Dwarf, hearing the names given in his own ancient tongue, looked up and met her eyes; and it seemed to him that he looked suddenly into the heart of an enemy and saw there love and understanding. Wonder came into his face, and then he smiled in answer.》
© J.R.R.Tolkien - LotR, The Mirror of Galadriel

I would say that this probably isn't your place, too. It would probably be the place of a family member or closer friend to announce if she's really passed away.
It's a curious situation. Part of me is kind of eager to watch them realise on their own that she's not coming back. Is it because I find it funny how casual, unjaded normies usually are? Even though those folks are not particularly happy, the rule of thumb is if they're not here, they're normie enough! xd

Fun story - back in June 2023 when I went to a few doctors to assess my Asperger's for the purposes of conscription (even though I never went to the medical commission as it would effectively mean a defeat), one of the doctors was an endocrinologist who took a look at my bodily hair, and she talked about how "somatic" illnesses develop in her experience, with stress and loss affecting tumour growth, and she overall seemed intelligent to me (and my standards are hella high, I will call the person retarded in a blink of an eye!), and we talked for a bit, she praised me as people usually do... (I also forced her to say that mental disorders have no biological cause because my mom has a mental block on this subject and can't read Wikipedia.) And a few months later, my mom said she had died. And I said I was happy for her, thus offending my mom - and I wasn't even on this forum back then (don't mind my join date).

Apologies for this mouthful, it's relevant to both how normies perceive death, and how I can take a liking to certain people (and I don't even have a nurse fetish (why did I have to say this?)).
__________________
In my life overall, I have successfully completed two of my last week's school assignments, and I have written an e-mail to a Shinto priestess regarding my case. Fun!
 
kawaiiphantom

kawaiiphantom

I gently open the door
Feb 1, 2024
303
You never have to apologize! You should take your time getting back to me, and us. I definitely understand not feeling well, but I'm happy to hear from you today.

Yeah, this hits me really hard too. After my last mini-bender with drugs, for a full day, I could barely talk because my thoughts were moving too fast for my lagging body. And as I'm getting older it takes so much longer for me to recover from hangovers, which I previously and foolishly thought I was impervious to. Thinking about cirrhosis may stop me for a day or two of drinking but I'm still stuck on that desire to have one at least every day.

If you're comfortable with sharing, what is it that drives you to drinking? Have you ever thought about joining a support group if the addiction gets too dire? You don't have to answer me, but finding out the answers to those questions is helpful in trying to quit. I know my drinking is triggered by stress and I haven't been drinking quite as much since trying to find other ways to manage it.

Please get some rest, and drink lots of water to flush all of the bad liquids out of your system! I really hope that you begin to feel better soon!!

I enjoy interacting with you as well! That's why I'm happy to see that you want to join in on this thread, since I mostly hang around here, haha. I do enjoy the recovery section for these same reasons, as well. Like I previously stated I do understand other's pain and don't want to take away from their outlet, which is why I hang out around here, where I think my approach to things is more welcome. I really enjoy helping people, it makes me feel like I have a purpose which helps with the whole being-alive-against-my-will thing.

I don't think that you'll effect people here negatively. Contrary to popular belief I don't think it's a bad thing to be gloomy on this side of the forum, nor is it unwelcome. We're also suicidal and express those thoughts too, it's just that I think people who are in recovery are more so looking for solutions so that they could continue living as opposed to only having our pain validated before we die, and neither of those approaches are bad. I actually really appreciate that there's a space for all kinds of people here.

It's always okay to share your day here! Even when nobody's talking in here you're allowed to just randomly come and tell us, I know I would definitely love to hear it. I'm happy that today is being kinder to you, and thank you again for sharing your art with the forum. I still really love the cute bunny that you drew for my profile banner! I kind of want a plushy that looks like that, now.

If it isn't too much for you to get into, may I know why this is? Has something changed in the past few months to make you want to recover? I'm like everyone else here and I definitely respect your decision, I'm not trying to tell you how to feel because I feel the same way about myself. But like I said to Tokugawa the other day, if there's any wiggle room for doubt, then it's always best to leave your options open!

It may be worth it to make a list of things that make you wanna die and a list of things that make you want to live, kind of like a pros and cons list of life. From there, you'll be able to weigh your options and maybe even see that some of the things that make you want to throw in the towel may be fixable.

Thank you for asking! I'm doing alright today. I'm a little depressed but that's just the normal thing. I think I'm disappointed because I didn't get a lot done yesterday; I wanted to deep clean half my kitchen (dishes, sink, microwave, oven, etc) and care for my plants. But the kitchen took a lot longer than I thought, and I strained my arms doing it, so I'm taking a break today… My poor plants lol. It suddenly got really cold anyway so today may not be the best day to shock them with new soil. But I still feel unproductive.
I can definitely tell you love helping people based on the way you speak and all the effort you put into making people feel heard, and the detailed responses 🎀🌸 it's very amazing of you!!! One of my dreams in life is to be kind and help people, and make them feel good about themselves. Haha I feel that as well, sometimes I feel like I have to hold back positivity in the Suicide Discussion forum out of fear of being flamed lmao ;^^

Awhhh thank you so much!! So so happy u like the bunny/rabbit (´ ω `♡) !!! I kinda wish I put more effort into it though, looking back on the drawing I don't really like it that much 😭 but that might just be me being self critical like always. I love bunnies/rabbits too, I've used them a lot in my art and they're one of my favorite things >w< thank you again for all of the kind words Usagi <3

It probably would be best to keep my options open. And after meeting so many wonderful people on here that have made me feel better about myself, sometimes it makes me second guess it. I guess in a lot of ways SaSu is ironically making me feel less like CTBing sometimes.
I'm just so very exhausted of living, I'm hyper sensitive and even the smallest of things send me spiraling into SH. And it's terrifying to me. It's so painful to deal with life everyday and it just feels worse and worse as time goes on. Everything almost always feels very colorless and dreadful. And the trauma still affects me so much today, I just feel like I can't function as a human except for when I'm online.

That's a great idea about the pros and cons list!! I will do that :] ♡♡♡

Hey I'm so proud of you for cleaning some of the kitchen though!!!! I know how hard it can be to do things while feeling depressed. I'm glad you're taking a break and letting yourself rest a bit 💜💜💜 you deserve it!! >:3 I know how you feel, I hate when I feel not productive ;w; I think it's very cool that you have plants 🍃🍃🍃 do you feel like taking care of them helps with your mental health? ✨
IMG 5901
In no particular order...


You are not in danger of being banned from this thread for expressing political views. 💜 Feel free to add politics to your messages to help make a point or provide background information. Just don't turn the thread into a political debate - there's a sub-forum under Off-Topic for actual political discussions.


The ketamine has been both a blessing and a curse. The journeys have proven to be an interesting experience, and while I can't always make out the meanings, there always is something I get out of them. Additionally, the ketamine boosts my mood for about 4-5 days afterwards. I'm not sure I'd recommend the approach I'm using - ketamine-assisted psychotherapy. However, the studies around ketamine have been positive, but that usually means dosing several times a week for 4-6 weeks.

My provider doesn't have room on his schedule, so we're discussing micro-dosing on a daily basis. Most to come on that if we actually move forward with it.


OK, OK, OK... I have no issue with the strange little hug emoji. However, I wish we had another, more serious hug for those times when a hug is needed but the giant smiley face isn't really appropriate. Just my 2-cents...


Absolutely 💯... this thread is open to everyone on the site. In my mind, the only real rule is to treat each other with the same respect and kindness we would want in return.

It's always nice to hear when people are having a better day. So please feel free to share when you have good days and bad. And when your having a better day, maybe reach out to someone whose day isn't so good and provide some kind words. Even if it's just to let them know they are important to us.

I must say that there's been a solid upturn in activity on this thread over the past few days. Much of this is due to several new members joining the thread for the first time. To all of the, Welcome!

Just a reminder, this thread is in the public domain and we all tend to ask personal questions. There is no pressure to answer any question you are not comfortable with. And in some cases, it is easier to reply in a dm as opposed to the thread. Several of us are open to direct messages, including myself.

Wish you all can find a little peace along your journey. 🫂
Thank you for being so welcoming!! ☁️☁️☁️ I'm happy to hear that this thread has more activity over the past few days!! It's seems like such a nice and comforting space 🫂 I can't wait to see what the future holds for it :]

I wish you can find peace along your journey as well ✨✨✨
kawaii tree GIF
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
396
whattup new people and welcome 🖤

my next court hearing is in a week (for newbies im in a very shitty drawn out legal matter against an abusive ex), my bday is the day after the hearing. if something doesn't go right im not making it to 31.
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
I don't feel comfortable saying it in a public thread but would love to tell you in pms if you want.
This is completely understandable. Of course, you're welcome to PM me anytime! I don't want to be nosy but at the same time I'm also curious, haha, and I know that talking about these things can be helpful since we can't talk to the people we know irl about it. Thank you for sharing this much.
Just to minimize damage for the people around me.
I get this. I haven't outright said this but I have mentioned it, my plan is pretty similar. I don't have a date yet but I do have a year in mind where if things don't get better, most of the things I'm "needed" for won't be a thing anymore and I'll have the all-clear to die. Even when I do that I want to trouble people as little as possible, which will actually be so hard? I have to travel home and everything. It's harder to get my life together but with how long I need to stay alive for the sake of others, I have a chance that I'm going to take. I'm hoping that both of us can hold out and see better days! We both have a similar challenge to rise to. 🫂
So it's English that's the odd one out?
I don't really think it's something to be left out of. Linguistically, languages tend to fall in between two categories, that being left-branching and right-branching. These terms refer to where the verb or noun (aka the "head") is usually placed within a phrase— whether it is before or after the adjectives. I learned that a really interesting and simple way that this shows up in languages is how we write out names!

"The tree is very big" is a right-branching phrase, because the adjectives fall to the right of the noun/subject. "It's a very big tree" is left-branching for the opposite reason. I'm pretty sure every language uses both structures interchangeably but due to the rules of their grammar, it's typical to see one kind of sentence structure more often than the other.

Hungarian (this may not even be true anymore for Hungarian because I think things may have changed over time?) and Japanese are both mostly left-branching, so interestingly enough, the way that names are written will also follow this rule— Doe John, in which your given name is the subject and your family name is the modifying adjective. In English, it would be John Doe because the subject tends to come before the modifying noun when we structure sentences. But I don't think it's just that simple, we also have to think about cultures (how did surnames or family names come about in that language's culture? were these names largely self-chosen? were they imposed? were they indicative of class and job title?) and the contexts in which these names are being used or said (most places will sort people by their surname first for administrative purposes, for example). I suspect last names are put before the first in schools and on a concentration camp death certificate for administrative purposes, to easily sort people in alphabetical order.
Apologies for this mouthful, it's relevant to both how normies perceive death, and how I can take a liking to certain people
You never have to apologize for sharing, haha. My posts are always pretty long obviously so don't feel bad for mouthfuls. In fact, thank you for sharing anything that helps us to understand you more!
In my life overall, I have successfully completed two of my last week's school assignments, and I have written an e-mail to a Shinto priestess regarding my case. Fun!
Happy to hear this, go you! Finishing up assignments is such a freeing feeling. I'm sadly one of those lame people that somehow gets anxiety sending emails, though.
it's very amazing of you!!! One of my dreams in life is to be kind and help people, and make them feel good about themselves.
Thank you! I'm sure that you can achieve that dream of yours before the end of your life. You're already very sweet and kind to others. You've probably helped people and made them feel good about themselves just by being on the forum!

And I feel you on the whole holding back positivity thing. I think in general that is probably the best thing to do. If they wanted to hear the whole "it'll get better" spiel I think they'd just come here themselves? Things like that really make me feel invalidated when I'm not in the mood to hear it, so I definitely get it.
that might just be me being self critical like always.
It'd the curse of a creative! But I promise, everyone's really enjoying your art. I think it's super cute seeing people change their pfps to your drawings! And the rabbit is really cute, haha, it doesn't have to be super detailed!! I appreciate it because it's something that you've put time and effort into, seriously!
I guess in a lot of ways SaSu is ironically making me feel less like CTBing sometimes.
I've actually heard quite a few people say this. This forum definitely isn't the doomer death cult that people on the outside want it to be, the fact that it provides people with a community understands them and a space to express themselves is invaluable and I can see how that can actually minimize someone's pain enough to make them want to live longer. People don't even think of these kinds of things before they start shitting on the stuff they don't understand, though.
Hey I'm so proud of you for cleaning some of the kitchen though!!!!
Thank you!
I think it's very cool that you have plants 🍃🍃🍃 do you feel like taking care of them helps with your mental health? ✨
Yes, it does! There have apparently been studies on how just seeing all of the green around your house can put you in better spirits (which is why getting outside and "touching grass" can actually be beneficial to some people beyond how cynically we use it online, haha). Some of my plants are also naturally pink, and seeing that color around my place puts me in much better spirits too, I think they're all so pretty.

But mainly for me the good part comes with taking care of something and seeing it thrive under my care— for once I'm not ruining something by my own hands. Some days I have no motivation to get out of bed other than to check on the plants and water any that I may need to. It's also strangely therapeutic to talk to them? They actually do love when you do that and grow faster in response to pleasant sounds. That sounds pretty woo woo but apparently it's true!

If you ever thought about getting one, I highly recommend!
if something doesn't go right im not making it to 31.
I hope that something goes right. Honestly it sounds like you have a strong case from what you've shared with us but courts are shitty, so I'll keep my fingers crossed and send you extra love next week. Especially for your birthday! Do you have any plans to celebrate? I think that even if things don't go well, you should take that day to celebrate yourself in any small way that you can. You've had a hard year, so you deserve it. Thirty-one also really wants to see you make it, I think!
Just a reminder, this thread is in the public domain and we all tend to ask personal questions. There is no pressure to answer any question you are not comfortable with. And in some cases, it is easier to reply in a dm as opposed to the thread.
I just wanna second this because I'm the one asking personal questions right now! If you're not comfortable sharing anything that may or may not be used in someone's psych thesis or youtube video research then you can always refuse to answer, or PM me!
 
lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
396
I hope that something goes right. Honestly it sounds like you have a strong case from what you've shared with us but courts are shitty, so I'll keep my fingers crossed and send you extra love next week. Especially for your birthday! Do you have any plans to celebrate? I think that even if things don't go well, you should take that day to celebrate yourself in any small way that you can. You've had a hard year, so you deserve it. Thirty-one also really wants to see you make it, I think!
i have 0 plans because i do not have a history of happy birthdays. nearly every year i attempted to make plans, it blew up in my face horribly. last year id run away from nyc for a few weeks to family and friends in new mexico and chicago after several months of increasing hostility and bullshit from my ex (literally hit me in the face with a door while i was begging my brother for help on the phone...) and i just cried and cried for hours on end when i had to go back because i had nowhere else. but really the days been mostly ruined since i was a young kid with several bad incidents. hell the last few hours before my 28th even rolling extremely hard on way too much molly and laughing hysterically all i was thinking about was how my 27 club membership was about to expire and did i REALLY want to live to see 28?? all i want is to go somewhere i can be distracted and either enjoy nature or a museum of some kind but i dont have any means to get there on my own. theres an observatory nearby i want to check out but that also requires a car and clear skies. i dont have any way to celebrate at the house, i dont want to go out to dinner with my family, i dont want to be alone but i cant stand being around almost anyone. i miss my friends and have no way to travel.
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
i have 0 plans because i do not have a history of happy birthdays.
Thank you for sharing. Sometimes I see exactly what HighFlight is saying when he says that the big smile on the hug emoji isn't appropriate. I want to send my virtual hugs anyway! 🫂

I know how it is to not like a birthday and not want to celebrate, but it really sucks that people have ruined it for you in what sounds like a very consistent way. You may not feel this way but I am happy that you lived to see twenty-eight, and all the other years after. I'm happy that I've gotten a chance to be in contact with you and hear you out. It's undoubtedly been hard for you, but you've been strong enough to make it through everything so far, so I think that you're strong enough to get through everything that's ahead of you.
all i want is to go somewhere i can be distracted and either enjoy nature or a museum of some kind but i dont have any means to get there on my own. theres an observatory nearby i want to check out but that also requires a car and clear skies.
If you don't mind, can you PM me what day your birthday will be next week? But if you do mind then I won't be bothered, of course. Can you get to the observatory by a taxi or ride service of some kind if it turns out to be a clear day on your birthday? And if not, is there a museum or maybe a nature reserve near you that you might want to go to instead? I don't really know how to help the being alone part. I always wish I could like send myself to be with you guys in spirit, somehow. :(

You definitely don't have to celebrate if you don't want to, but there are small ways to celebrate if you can't do anything. For example, you could spend the day doing something you like to do. I've spent a lot of birthdays just sleeping, as depressing as it sounds, because it's free and I like to do it. It could be something that simple, or it could be something like drawing, or maybe you could write a letter to yourself to read in the future about all of the things you're proud to have accomplished in the year, the sorts of freedoms you're looking forward to in the future, etc. But if it's too hard, really, just resting is a good way to honor yourself on your birthday. I just think you really deserve to be celebrated and treated, I'm sorry if I'm being kind of annoying about it!
 
Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Arcanist
Sep 10, 2023
431
@UsagiDrop

Hiiiii

There's no more alcohol in my house and I don't plan on drinking for a while. Abstaining for a month or at least a week is my goal. Also I became sick and can't eat a lot. I'm tired again for different reasons. My day was good and I starting reading a book. It's some text about China and there are many unread books on my shelf I need to finish. This month I just want to relax and make up my mind.

Also @Adûnâi . You are right that we in Germany write the last name before the first name in official documents but not in conversation. The other languages (Hungarian, Japanese) you mentioned people also use lastname, firstname order even in conversation. How it's in Russian or Ukrainian I don't know because I don't speak those languages.
 
Last edited:
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
the first name in the Japanese/Hungarian naming system is actually the surname. Ironically, that's the way the official Russo-Ukrainian system is set up as well

Linguistically, languages tend to fall in between two categories, that being left-branching and right-branching. These terms refer to where the verb or noun (aka the "head") is usually placed within a phrase— whether it is before or after the adjectives.


I didn't see a linguistics lesson coming but always enjoy learning new things. As one who has struggled with this, I have discovered that looking beyond the words to find the real message is best way to communicate.

Love Presence over Perfection

my next court hearing is in a week, my bday is the day after the hearing. if something doesn't go right im not making it to 31.
You've got a strong case, and hopefully every goes quick and easy. It would be nice if you could celebrate a big legal win on your bday.

But if something does go wrong, you can still make it 31. Don't give {it} any feelings of satisfaction or control over you.

And after meeting so many wonderful people on here that have made me feel better about myself, sometimes it makes me second guess it. I guess in a lot of ways SaSu is ironically making me feel less like CTBing
I joined SaSu looking for direction - I was unsure what path I would take. Much like @Final_Choice, I knew it would need to be done in a way to minimize pain for anyone else, like trying to make it look like an accident. But I found a community I could actually open up to. It's help me to see that, in my situation, I needed to finish my work here before moving on.

This community has been great at being supportive at the times when ive needed it the most. And i know im not alone in the feeling. (@sadwriter is probably going to give this post one of those weird hug emoji reactions. 🤣)

Everything I've tried has been base level, like I haven't tried any special therapy nor tried an extensive amount of med combinations to find something that works, but I've tried some of them.
I've tried several treatments, and know how difficult and exhausting this can be. For me, a lifetime of issues have been buried deep and so far, nothing has worked. I've recently tried ketamine-assisted therapy. It didn't really work, but was an interesting experiment. And i did get a mood boost for several days after the session.

@Cloud Busting, I'm talking with my doctor about micro-dosing ketamine daily. And I would try the esketamine depression treatment, which includes multiple sessions a week, for 6-8 weeks. Supposedly, either of these approaches could provide long-term relief of symptoms.

It's getting late and I need to get some sleep to prepare for my personal "groundhog day" tomorrow.

Wishing everyone a pleasant day. 💙
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
Hi, @Tokugawa_Yoshinobu! I'm happy to hear from you today.
There's no more alcohol in my house and I don't plan on drinking for a while. Abstaining for a month or at least a week is my goal.
This is a wonderful thing! I hope that you'll be able to stick to your plan, but I believe in you and I know that you can do it. After tonight, I'll try to do the same with you and go a week. I drank all of the liquor in my house today. I even went out to buy more and drank that too, but I am kind of stressed I guess.

It's good that you're reading! Is it something about China's history? I also need to get back to reading. I have a lot of books that I didn't carry with me when I moved away from home, and I miss those. I want to read some of them again, but I also have a lot that I haven't read yet. Such is the life of a reader, isn't it? If you have the month to relax and think, then maybe you'll have some time to catch up on your collection too, hopefully!
@sadwriter is probably going to give this post one of those weird hug emoji reactions. 🤣
I'm already way ahead of them. 😎

I hope that you have a good day too, HighFlight! You deserve good days!
hello...i dont think i posted in this thread before, everyone seems super nice ^^
Hello, @cetacea, welcome to the thread! You also seem super nice, and we're excited to get to know you. Thank you for sharing with us, did the SSRI help you at all? And thank you, also, for the well wishes! I'm doing pretty alright today, despite feeling unproductive. How are you doing?
 
cetacea

cetacea

underwater
Nov 8, 2023
64
Hello, @cetacea, welcome to the thread! You also seem super nice, and we're excited to get to know you. Thank you for sharing with us, did the SSRI help you at all? And thank you, also, for the well wishes! I'm doing pretty alright today, despite feeling unproductive. How are you doing?
the SSRI helped a little ! it helped enough to get me by... Lately I am more ok, but i wish i had a PRN like Xanax, because i have anxiety. Today I went to the store. I tried this "healthy" soda. It did not taste super good. I walked dogs and did my exercises. I didnt get to draw much. I miss my boyfriend he is asleep. why was ur day unproductive?

There's no more alcohol in my house and I don't plan on drinking for a while. Abstaining for a month or at least a week is my goal.
I hope its not rude/intrusive to reply to this...It is good you want to set a goal and abstain. Maybe you can these goals in the middle and set a strict goal of 2 weeks sober. I dont know if that would work for you, Its only a suggestion, even only a week is amazing ^^
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
Lately I am more ok, but i wish i had a PRN like Xanax, because i have anxiety.
That's good that you're feeling a little more okay, and that the medication is helping even a little bit. Are you seeing a professional at the moment? I only ask because maybe you can bring up those concerns with them and have your medication switched at some point.
I tried this "healthy" soda. It did not taste super good.
Hahaha, I guess soda is one of those things that just has to be unhealthy to taste good. I think I also tried a "healthy" soda last year and didn't like it, but I've started to drink less and less sodas over the years anyway. I'm happy to hear that you've had a pretty decent sounding day today; walking the dogs and exercising are pretty healthy things to do!
why was ur day unproductive?
Because I really need to deep clean my entire place, and tend to my plants. But I'm partly lazy and partly in pain, so I haven't gotten a lot done! For now, the plan is to resume that stuff on Sunday. But in the meantime I'm trying to rest and not feel guilty about it, which is hard because I tend to feel guilty about everything.
 
Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Arcanist
Sep 10, 2023
431
@UsagiDrop

Best wishes for abstaining too! I recommend to drink more tea or something else that isn't actively damaging your body for recovery. Yes the book I'm reading is about Chinese history. It's a broad overview and I got it very cheaply. I own a ton of history books and lots of non-fiction. It's everything and all over the place in terms of quality and popularity.

So now I'll spend time reading and recovering thinking of something else instead of my own dark thoughts and getting out of that mindset if possible.

@cetacea

Oh it's okay that you replied! Advise is welcomed :) I thought of doing 2 weeks instead if I can.
 
cetacea

cetacea

underwater
Nov 8, 2023
64
That's good that you're feeling a little more okay, and that the medication is helping even a little bit. Are you seeing a professional at the moment? I only ask because maybe you can bring up those concerns with them and have your medication switched at some point.
I dont take the SSRI anymore. I dont see a doctor right now. I need ID.

I am feeling like a bad person right now because of past things I did. maybe I am being too hard on myself. years ago i confided in a person 3 ( or maybe only 2) yrs younger than me that i was suicidal and all the dark thoughts I had. I dont think i should have told them. They really hate me now and felt they dealt with too much from me which is true. I feel very awful. Theyre also a terrible person so i guess there is that but I feel bad for their situation. They are transphobic, misandrist, a little incestuous, etc. but i think it is because of their horrible family. Sorry thats not related to anything. I dont really care about what this person thinks of me because I think they are a bad person. But I hope I did not do damage and I hope they are ok. I hope if I did something very bad it isnt a permanent stain on my character and I can still be a good person somehow. I hope they feel better and leave their bad situation. I hope they dont get into trouble and are ok.
Because I really need to deep clean my entire place, and tend to my plants. But I'm partly lazy and partly in pain, so I haven't gotten a lot done! For now, the plan is to resume that stuff on Sunday. But in the meantime I'm trying to rest and not feel guilty about it, which is hard because I tend to feel guilty about everything.
its ok to not get a lot done, if you did a little thats very good. you can do more soon. sometimes you have to push through when its hard but you can do it. dont push yourself too much. you dont want to hurt yourself. Im sorry you feel guilty. it is a hard burden to bear. If you feel guilty that means your heart is in the right place; you truly wish to get things done. It can be hard to get up and do things.

I wish I could come over and help you clean. I like to help others. Im not very tall so I cant reach high places for you and Im a little scared of heights and therefore ladders, so needing to clean things like a high shelf might be hard for me...But if You needed help i would like to do that and maybe I could get over it if someone needed my help. You can tell me about your plants.

Its OK to rest. In fact you need it. Im sorry you feel bad. I hope you can feel better soon.
Oh it's okay that you replied! Advise is welcomed :) I thought of doing 2 weeks instead if I can.
I think 2 weeks is a good milestone. It is not really so long... depending on how you perceive time... You have a noble goal to better your life. I believe in you. You should let us know how it goes and how youre feeling along the way. I want to try and check in this thread more. I want to respond to all of you if I can. I am crying right now so It's hard to write more. Tomorrow I wonder if it's okay to post a drawing I made. If you guys make drawings Id like to see them. I think there is an art thread so maybe I/we shouldnt post that stuff too much. Everyone have a nice day or evening.
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
I'm pretty sleepy right now so I can't reply to everything I would like to. I do want to reply to this before I pass out:
Tomorrow I wonder if it's okay to post a drawing I made. If you guys make drawings Id like to see them. I think there is an art thread so maybe I/we shouldnt post that stuff too much.
There is a megathread for art, but I don't see why you can't share your drawings here! Actually, we love to see art, so please do feel free to share tomorrow or whenever you're comfortable. I hope the other artists in the thread will want to share some of their work, as well. It could be a fun exchange for you guys!

@lita-lassi already showed us some of her work a few pages back and it is amazing. It's definitely worth bringing back up here if anyone wants to take a look and tell her how awesome and talented she is! Quoting the post below.
im a bit shy about my stuff but ive had an exceptionally good day so heres some of my stuff from over a decade ago until recently down below.

It's the same with @kawaiiphantom, maybe she will want to share too. Her art is adorable and amazing! There's a thread here where she has taken requests that's also worth looking at if anyone wants to tell her how awesome and talented she is, too.

Definitely feel free to share with us, @cetacea! We'll be more than happy to see and appreciate your work. I'm sorry you're crying right now. I hope that you'll feel better and get some rest!
 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
...I can now determine that since that cataclysmic event in 2023 (the girl who texted me), I can function in two "modes".

1. The whiny mode.
1) The whiny mode which prompts me to whine and try to change my life for the better. This led me to create a Tinder profile in November, agree to my mom's idea about online therapy in November and February, and consider practicing talking on Omegle in October (it shut down).
2) Ironically, another expression of the whiny mode is the option to lie down, abandon school and wait for AGI singularity which would give me headpats/sex. More realistic considering the thugs roaming the streets, absolutely opposite in application, but similar in spirit to sub-point (1).

2. The Buddhist mode.
This one could be seen as a regression to my previous life where/when I strove for nothing at all. The rationale is the idea that socialisation is not exactly true to my being, that I couldn't imagine myself care enough for the mirage of a chance at sex, that I should lie down, but not in preparation for AGI, but simply because that's what monks do. Goes well with the expectation not for AGI, but for a worldwide nuclear holocaust/holodomor, a return of Kalki à la Savitri Devi (so if AI waifus get delayed, I won't be sad, win-win).

On the other hand, the current issue I've faced with the Buddhist mode is that while it ironically gives me a space of mind not to whine, and instead do my absurd school assignments, some assignments are outright obnoxious and simply not fit for my skill set. I spent 6 hours on English, and 3 hours on German, and I was satisfied by my work, but now I have to read and be able to retell a course that's written in incredibly dense, error-ridden Russian variety of English for the Ukrainian idiots. And it's sapping my motivation.

Of course, I could find non-RuEnglish materials on the same subject, and I have read Wikipedia articles which make my brain spring to life after the RuEnglish abuse. Another thing is the teachers who keep ignoring me for days before responding - that's rather annoying, and kills my view of the deadlines. (But some have already responded, so there's that.)

And finally, the to-be last nail in coffin is the thesis which I'm supposed to write on the subject of... Ukrainian translation of American comic books? 40 pages in length, and with 40 references? Where nobody specifically tells me the details, and I had to text the girl who was barely responding? Where the teacher was saying nothing? Where I'm way too disgusted to engage in the general chat with my classmates, constantly shitting and spamming images of animals, and voice recordings?..

...Anyway, my mom has said that she's going to have the thesis prepared no issue, and that I should keep my mind off of it. Nice if true. And she also promised that she'd submit the thesis in physical form herself lest I be needed to go outside endangering myself. This is decent, because Buddhism or no Buddhism, there are certain things I'm simply unable to do. Like I will unable to retell the meaningless RuEnglish gibberish (I was literally mute when the teacher met me 2 weeks ago, my hands shaking in anger), but I could try it again with my new tactic - learning from actual English English sources.

P.S. I'll bring up some cases of this infamous, hellish drivel.

 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
How it's in Russian or Ukrainian I don't know because I don't speak those languages.
Thanks! Ironically, I wouldn't know either because I don't remember ever being in a non-official situation. I feel like a foreigner. I remember when I was little, I asked myself this - it's not "Hitler Adolf" and not "Churchill Winston", so why am I called that way in school?

I remember a Ukrainian translation of Harry Potter which used this reverse name order to underscore the name list in a school setting - I think I checked the original years back, but can't tell which it was. I think it was in book 5 (incidentally, I have always hated the English tradition never to use numbers when dealing with sequels/prequels - I cannot care to remember that Star Wars 3 is "RotS").

By the way, greetings to everyone who has seen March 2024! It's considered spring in the Russosphere, but not outside (where it arrives on the vernal equinox). Although per Chinese calendar, spring comes as early as Feb 4th?
 

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