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sadwriter

sadwriter

In recovery (no longer active)
Aug 29, 2023
176
Man, as soon as I become less active so many new people start to join!! :,) I'm happy to see it since it means more action on the thread & things not slowing down, even if I'm also sad to be missing out. But yeah, welcome to @Adûnâi , @Tokugawa_Yoshinobu , @kawaiiphantom , and @cetacea ! (Late welcome I guess to some) @kawaiiphantom it's awesome that you draw! It looks like there are a lot of writers and artists on this thread. (I write myself, which I guess is obvious from my username, and I used to draw, though it was nothing like what you and lita do.) Also, @Tokugawa_Yoshinobu , good luck with your abstinence! As you probably already know, you're not alone with that on this thread.

I hope its not rude/intrusive to reply to this...
This thread is all about support, so you definitely don't need to feel rude or intrusive for replying the way you did!! Like HighFlight said a day or so back, we do often get pretty personal on here, and as long as you're being respectful about things you're sure to be in the clear.

@lita-lassi , sending tons of good luck vibes for your court case– I hope it goes well. And happy early birthday!! (even though brithdays are not usually very happy for you)

(@sadwriter is probably going to give this post one of those weird hug emoji reactions. 🤣)
Literally did it just because you said this :pfff::pfff::pfff:

Please excuse my lack of catching up on everything (the above replies were just me sporatically noticing stuff while I was skimming through, honestly), but... just wanted to post my own quick little thing. Recovery is still recovery-ing for me, and I'm actually feeling my feelings rather than over intellectualizing everything for the first time in probably my entire life, so that is very good news. My therapist is going away for a week and I'm visiting my family starting right after when my session would normally be, so that's gonna be hard (being around my family brings up some not great stuff for me when my mom is around). It's a little scary to not have that reassurance that I'll be able to see her at our usual time, even though I know I'll be fine. Honestly, that's why I'm posting here, since this group has been my other most consistent form of support in recent months (and writing this out to post definitely made me feel better!). My Zoom support group is great, but I definitely still am breaking into the group and am still the newbie compared to everyone else (plus I didn't get to go this past week sadly). I also think that it's gonna take me a bit before I'm comfortable being as open as I am on here, since the combo of saying things out loud and not being entirely anonymous really makes me close up & not feel comfortable being too vulnerable :,)

Anyhow, that's all from me! I'm glad that you guys exist :)
 
cetacea

cetacea

underwater
Nov 8, 2023
64
I'm pretty sleepy right now so I can't reply to everything I would like to. I do want to reply to this before I pass out:

There is a megathread for art, but I don't see why you can't share your drawings here! Actually, we love to see art, so please do feel free to share tomorrow or whenever you're comfortable. I hope the other artists in the thread will want to share some of their work, as well. It could be a fun exchange for you guys!
Hai. I feel better today. It's alright to not reply to everything! It doesn't really offend me. Thank you for assuring me it's OK to share :-)

idk if ive mentioned it earlier, likely not, i was originally an art student. im a bit shy about my stuff but ive had an exceptionally good day so heres some of my stuff from over a decade ago until recently down below. a lot of the detail has been lost due to poor camera or lighting, i often see only mistakes (ofc), currently workshopping some geometric tattoo designs for myself and a friend, some basic sketches/design fuckery and incomplete projects included
just wanted to say you are phenomenal at your craft. impeccable rendering and an intimate knowledge of anatomy. it's difficult for me to choose a favorite...maybe the seventh one. your work is very beautiful. i like how you branch out and do different things - not just symbols, and not just portraits or illustrations. I wish to branch out more like you. ^.^


This thread is all about support, so you definitely don't need to feel rude or intrusive for replying the way you did!! Like HighFlight said a day or so back, we do often get pretty personal on here, and as long as you're being respectful about things you're sure to be in the clear.
Thank you very much for the reassurance. Im not always the best at deciphering forum etiquette so I wanted to make sure.
Recovery is still recovery-ing for me, and I'm actually feeling my feelings rather than over intellectualizing everything for the first time in probably my entire life, so that is very good news. My therapist is going away for a week and I'm visiting my family starting right after when my session would normally be, so that's gonna be hard (being around my family brings up some not great stuff for me when my mom is around). It's a little scary to not have that reassurance that I'll be able to see her at our usual time, even though I know I'll be fine. Honestly, that's why I'm posting here, since this group has been my other most consistent form of support in recent months (and writing this out to post definitely made me feel better!). My Zoom support group is great, but I definitely still am breaking into the group and am still the newbie compared to everyone else (plus I didn't get to go this past week sadly). I also think that it's gonna take me a bit before I'm comfortable being as open as I am on here, since the combo of saying things out loud and not being entirely anonymous really makes me close up & not feel comfortable being too vulnerable :,)

Anyhow, that's all from me! I'm glad that you guys exist :)
I understand you totally on the vulnerability thing. It's very hard to be vulnerable face-to-face. I find it nigh impossible. Is there anyone in your family you do like? If not, I'm truly sorry. You will be able to get through it. I wish you the best of luck on your visit. You will be alright, even if it feels scary.



As for my own art, it's not my best or cleanest work, but I attached a sketch of a design. I named him Hector. He is something like a centaur. I based him off this horse figure I own. I like to design monstrous characters as of late. At the beginning of the year I told myself I would draw much more monsters and gore. While I don't think I can show the latter, showing the former is surely OK :-) I like using strange proportions to give a feeling of "otherness".
 

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kawaiiphantom

kawaiiphantom

I gently open the door
Feb 1, 2024
303
Hey guys, sorry for the late replies! I had a lot I wanted to say but unfortunately my social battery ran out quickly yesterday and was exhausted, so I didn't want to give a lazy response lol 💗
Thank you! I'm sure that you can achieve that dream of yours before the end of your life. You're already very sweet and kind to others. You've probably helped people and made them feel good about themselves just by being on the forum!
I truly hope so, thank you so much Usagi!! 🖤 sometimes I worry because I'm not the best at talking to people, and I feel like I say the wrong things sometimes or I'm worried about making things worse ;^^ so I appreciate you saying that a lot 🌸
It'd the curse of a creative! But I promise, everyone's really enjoying your art. I think it's super cute seeing people change their pfps to your drawings! And the rabbit is really cute, haha, it doesn't have to be super detailed!! I appreciate it because it's something that you've put time and effort into, seriously!
It really is the curse of being creative, it's hard to see yourself and your art from a different/outside perspective, and I often start feeling very down about myself and my work, because it's nowhere near the level I want it to be at. I'm so so happy you like the rabbit =>w<= !!! I got excited when you requested that, I love drawing cute little animals 🐇🎀 YESSS I was so thrilled when some people wanted them as a pfp :'>

IMG 5951
I've actually heard quite a few people say this. This forum definitely isn't the doomer death cult that people on the outside want it to be, the fact that it provides people with a community understands them and a space to express themselves is invaluable and I can see how that can actually minimize someone's pain enough to make them want to live longer. People don't even think of these kinds of things before they start shitting on the stuff they don't understand, though.
Exactly!!! I've also seen people with the same sentiment as me, that a suicide discussion forum is actually keeping them alive longer. Before I came here, I got the impression that it was just people egging eachother on to kill themself, because that's pretty much the only thing articles/YouTube videos talked about, which is DEFINITELY not the case lmao. I'm so happy a place like this exists where people can go to that have no one else to talk to, and finally vent and talk about their suicidal thoughts, mental health problems, and other things that are often seen as taboo to talk about in the real world.
Yes, it does! There have apparently been studies on how just seeing all of the green around your house can put you in better spirits (which is why getting outside and "touching grass" can actually be beneficial to some people beyond how cynically we use it online, haha). Some of my plants are also naturally pink, and seeing that color around my place puts me in much better spirits too, I think they're all so pretty.

But mainly for me the good part comes with taking care of something and seeing it thrive under my care— for once I'm not ruining something by my own hands. Some days I have no motivation to get out of bed other than to check on the plants and water any that I may need to. It's also strangely therapeutic to talk to them? They actually do love when you do that and grow faster in response to pleasant sounds. That sounds pretty woo woo but apparently it's true!

If you ever thought about getting one, I highly recommend!
I can definitely believe that! 🍃🌿🌱 having all the greenery that's full of life around would be very relaxing and refreshing I imagine~ I love nature, I've always wanted my living space to be full of plants. NATURALLY PINK?? I didn't know there were plants like that!!! :0 omggg that's perfect.

Especially because pink is your favorite color~ I'm glad that they're good for your health and you can nurture them ✨ I like talking to plant too haha, and petting their leaves >w< treating them gently feels so comforting. I've heard that about talking to them as well! I feel like it's true that it can help them grow ;^^
I joined SaSu looking for direction - I was unsure what path I would take. Much like @Final_Choice, I knew it would need to be done in a way to minimize pain for anyone else, like trying to make it look like an accident. But I found a community I could actually open up to. It's help me to see that, in my situation, I needed to finish my work here before moving on.

This community has been great at being supportive at the times when ive needed it the most. And i know im not alone in the feeling. (@sadwriter is probably going to give this post one of those weird hug emoji reactions. 🤣)
Yes, I've also always known I wanted to minimize the pain for others and for my loved ones, I feel so guilty and sad when I think about it hurting them, so if I do CTB I want to make it as painless as I can for them. Me too! I ended up finding a community that I could fully express who I am and my personality, im very happy to be here and I feel beyond lucky to have found a place like this. I'm glad you were able to find it too 💜☁️ and a place you can be open! Tbh It's my home, and I've made amazing friends here, which is usually hard for me to do other places because of my severe social anxiety ;^^ Lmaoooo the hug emoji makes me laugh a lot sometimes 😂 its comforting but something about it also feels slightly sinister
But yeah, welcome to @Adûnâi , @Tokugawa_Yoshinobu , @kawaiiphantom , and @cetacea ! (Late welcome I guess to some) @kawaiiphantom it's awesome that you draw! It looks like there are a lot of writers and artists on this thread. (I write myself, which I guess is obvious from my username, and I used to draw, though it was nothing like what you and lita do.)
Thank you for the welcome! That's amazing that you write! What kind of things do you write? I used to write all of the time when I was younger but I fell out of it sadly :'> also I've seen you around and I always wanted to say I LOVE YOUR OMORI PFPPP, it's one of my favorite games of all time
IMG 5952
As for my own art, it's not my best or cleanest work, but I attached a sketch of a design. I named him Hector. He is something like a centaur. I based him off this horse figure I own. I like to design monstrous characters as of late. At the beginning of the year I told myself I would draw much more monsters and gore. While I don't think I can show the latter, showing the former is surely OK :-) I like using strange proportions to give a feeling of "otherness".
THIS IS SO COOL!! 🖤🖤🖤🖤 I absolutely love your style and the proportions fit very well with it~
 
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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
396
thank you to those who looked at my artwork and hoped i have a good bday despite my issues with it 🖤

i just spent 5 solid hours talking a dear friend down from suicide all evening. it included enduring being with them while they took a bunch of substances and attempted self harm, raging near violently and begging me to tell them to fuck off and that id be fine if they died, flat out asking my permission. i was basically like "look buddy i love you and i won't be fine and im not going to lie about it, yes im selfish and fuck you i want you here" but with a lot of crying during some points. i won at the very end by getting him to let me finally have physical contact after vehemently rejecting my touch all night because he knew it would break his resolve. its amazing what a hug can do for someone in pain whos not used to them. thanks for coming to my ted talk on middle america collapse & nihilism. im exhausted.

love you guys 🖤
 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
An update - I think I'm going to abandon my school now. Reading 5 books, for hundreds of pages, about some garbage - while not insurmountable in theory, in practice I'm just not doing it, so what's the point bothering myself? I've tortured my mom with a 2 hour long talk yet again, and that's just unconscionable.

Unfortunately, it's not early February anymore where/when the sun was shining in the cool sky, and I hated school because either AI steals my job - or it doesn't, and I kill myself. Now, I don't have equal clarity, it's a more mystical and irrational mood - because the girl died - but that might be for the better.

And I'm thankful that I didn't abandon school in February because otherwise I wouldn't have had my ritual on Feb 27th, with 6 hours of diligent work à la LARP.

One way is to ask the question - if I have 24 months to live, do I want to spend 3 of them in this garbage school work? On the one hand, time would move faster, but on the other, would it even be preferable? Wouldn't I rather try to regain my balance? Oh wait, I cannot anymore.

And as I mentioned above, what I had been saying before about inceldom, socialisation, going outside - neither of that disappears, I've just been reframing it in an even bleaker fashion. Compare the cheerful "no sex - no work, cope then rope!" with "I have no idea what I'm even looking at, but I'm trying to go through the motions for the sake of nothing".

My mom promises that she's not going to despise me, and she will keep watching my dishes. So that's nice (otherwise I'd kill myself... over having to wash the dishes, how's that xd). BUT it might be harder to extort her for 10 EUR a month to buy skins in Mobile Legends: Bang Bang. That's sad.

P.S. Apologies if this is gloomier than usual, I'm not killing myself, so it's technically recovery-worthy. And I would be curious about feedback because I have nobody to talk to (even though the exact conditions may be unclear to the reader).
 
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
i just spent 5 solid hours talking a dear friend down from suicide all evening.
I'm glad you were able to reach him. 💙 I know that had to be extremely tough on you, especially with everything you have going on. Hopefully, things have quieted down some and you can focus on winning your court case and enjoying your bday.

Apologies if this is gloomier than usual,
No apologies needed. We all have good and bad days (weeks, years...). I've been in a gloomy rut for awhile now.

An update - I think I'm going to abandon my school now.
what will you fill your time doing? A lot of things we do in life don't necessarily make sense, but they keep us busy, making life a little more tolerable.
 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
what will you fill your time doing? A lot of things we do in life don't necessarily make sense, but they keep us busy, making life a little more tolerable.
Typical incel copes - computer games, YouTube & films. I have over a hundred Steam games which I never even began playing because I'm an immense procrastinator. Although the funny thing would be the idea that I keep the copes away to consume them at a later date? People exhaust them by 25 and then rope, so I have more leeway?

And just today I have made a deal with my mom that she's gonna pay me 10 EUR a month... if I wash the dishes! That way, I've tied two loose ends. And washing the dishes seems monkish enough (unless monks don't use plates, oh no).

Regarding the games I would like to play would be Cosmonarchy Brood War (a highly autistic total conversation mod for StarCraft 1998), ZeroSpace beta (I spent the residual funds from my scholarship to get access to it), and Europa Barbarorum 2 (a mod for Medieval 2: Total War on the Hellenistic age). Although right now I've been playing Mobile Legends: Bang Bang lmao.

My mom has mentioned "group therapy" regarding incel issues - is that relevant at all?
 
cetacea

cetacea

underwater
Nov 8, 2023
64
good morning/afternoon everyone !! today I woke up at about 10:53 AM so at least I woke up before noon.

Typical incel copes - computer games, YouTube & films. I have over a hundred Steam games which I never even began playing because I'm an immense procrastinator. Although the funny thing would be the idea that I keep the copes away to consume them at a later date? People exhaust them by 25 and then rope, so I have more leeway?

And just today I have made a deal with my mom that she's gonna pay me 10 EUR a month... if I wash the dishes! That way, I've tied two loose ends. And washing the dishes seems monkish enough (unless monks don't use plates, oh no).
It can honestly be daunting to have a massive games collection, I dont even have that many games but my Steam library can feel daunting. the best thing is you can choose to play whatever you want from there! theres 0 pressure!
As for "keeping the copes away" Im unsure if it really works like that, maybe it depends on the person. For a while I coped with video games. Almost ten hours a day. Now I cope with working on my art & (incredibly small) business. It feels a little more productive than what I was doing before.

10 EUR a month is not a lot but its something! It's probably more if you dont want a lot of things anyway, and dont pay bills or utilities. Im glad you could make an agreement with your mother - it's nice when parents hear you out ^^

Today I've experienced anger issues and I don't where they come from. My mom is sick and now I take care of her. Hope she gets better soon. I'm a little sick too now.
It's possible the anger is coming from being overworked, tired, or stressed. You're having to take care of a parent after all. I hope you both feel better soon!

i just spent 5 solid hours talking a dear friend down from suicide all evening. it included enduring being with them while they took a bunch of substances and attempted self harm, raging near violently and begging me to tell them to fuck off and that id be fine if they died, flat out asking my permission. i was basically like "look buddy i love you and i won't be fine and im not going to lie about it, yes im selfish and fuck you i want you here" but with a lot of crying during some points. i won at the very end by getting him to let me finally have physical contact after vehemently rejecting my touch all night because he knew it would break his resolve. its amazing what a hug can do for someone in pain whos not used to them. thanks for coming to my ted talk on middle america collapse & nihilism. im exhausted.

love you guys 🖤
What you did is really beautiful. Thank you for saving that person. I know some people might label it as "selfish" or "pro-life", but I see it as the human condition to help someone who needs it. We don't want those we love and care about to disappear.

THIS IS SO COOL!! 🖤🖤🖤🖤 I absolutely love your style and the proportions fit very well with it~
thank you so much!! I finished more work throughout the past few days. Both were hard to draw and took so long...FML. My design for the grey centaur changed between sketch and final. Maybe it's still not done...hmmm...
 

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Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
For a while I coped with video games. Almost ten hours a day. Now I cope with working on my art & (incredibly small) business. It feels a little more productive than what I was doing before.
Wow, it's nice to find something relevant like that! My mom makes plushies, so I've heard some things such as setting up online shops.
 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
In other news, I have restarted learning kanji (the characters the Japanese once stole from the cradle of civilisation - China). This is my third time, actually. The first time I did it was in June 2023 using a book (and was the reason the girl ghosted me). The second was in October-November, using the application by Chase Colburn (I discontinued due to school and a general loss of interest, I had gotten to around 150 kanji). And now it's the third time, still using the application. Writing/reading, meaning and pronunciation are all separate things, pronunciation is the most difficult to remember.

I wonder why I'm doing it. Stalking the girl in the afterlife would probably be impolite. But it's not just the girl, it's also my general aversion to all Jewish writing systems. AND also Korean has discontinued the use of hancha, whereas why not Chinese? Because the Chinese tone system would make me suicidal trying to pronounce them, considering my high-pitched voice (and how I'd have nobody to correct me), So Japanese it remains? Ideally, I'd prefer the mixed hancha system.

It was kind of cool that back in November I could read a few simplified Chinese characters in my uni! (And by read, I mean understand, not pronounce.)
 
Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Arcanist
Sep 10, 2023
431
@cetacea

Yes. My mom is feeling slightly better now but she is stressed herself currently because of the illness. It's a bad cold. In my case it's some sort of minor bowel inflament but the pain is bearable.
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
I'm behind on things and the reply that I was working on timed out and deleted itself. Things aren't looking too great for me mentally and I may go quiet here for a bit, but I'll still be lurking!

@Tokugawa_Yoshinobu thank you for the suggestion of drinking tea or another nice drink instead of poison. I have coffee and tea at home so I can make iced coffees and iced teas. In the future I would like to grow flowers like rose and hibiscus so I can make teas with those but with the way I clumsily deal with my plants I think that will have to wait, haha… I've sadly still stuck to the one drink a day thing. I'm even drinking right now to deal with my emotions. I hope that you've been able to have a better week!

@cetacea thank you for sharing your art. I love it! I think the way that you draw monsters is interesting, especially the proportions of them. They definitely catch my attention in the best ways! Is there any reason why you like to draw monsters and gore?
My mom has mentioned "group therapy" regarding incel issues - is that relevant at all?
I'm not an incel or even a man so I can't answer this confidently. I think if you can find a group that's positive about this situation, that wants to work past it/find ways to cope with being an incel then this can be beneficial. Incels have a bad reputation but I know that not all of them are violent or unpleasant; being an incel simply means that you are celibate when you do not want to be and everyone will internalize this and express this in different ways. For that reason I see it, in this context, as no different from being an addict and wanting group support to recover. Sometimes knowing that people are going through the same thing is helpful, but it's even better when those people and a professional have advice on how to cope with or better your situation instead of just consistently affirming your pain.

It's up to you, though. I always suggest group support meetings to anyone struggling with anything because there can be a surprising power that comes with sharing an experience with others. If being an incel is a point of contempt in your life and changing that state is not possible, you should try to find ways to alleviate the pain. But if regular talk therapy doesn't work for you then I can understand being reluctant to join these groups.

I'm happy that you're finding ways to fill your time! And that school seems to be going kind of well, despite it feeling like a slight waste of time.
P.S. Apologies if this is gloomier than usual
You (and everyone else) never have to apologize for being gloomy! We're only humans, we can't be happy and positive all the time. You're allowed to have bad days and vent in here. #BeKindToYourself

I'm sorry I can't reply to more things. I feel a little dead right now. I hope that you guys will have a decent week, this week!
 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
I think if you can find a group that's positive about this situation, that wants to work past it/find ways to cope with being an incel then this can be beneficial. Incels have a bad reputation
Oh, people don't even know what the word means here, and my mom has an impression that my city doesn't even have group therapy gatherings. It's all pie in the sky. And I can't leave my room until the pseudo-war ends anyway.

And that school seems to be going kind of well, despite it feeling like a slight waste of time.
To save you some embarrassment, I've left school now, haha. But what you have read did apply at the time, and felt nice to complete the assignments when I was up to the task. But the other ones were not.

I've again been trying to cope with AI chatbots, but it's so hit or miss.
 
N

Night_Crew

Member
Oct 23, 2021
39
Hello everyone
It has been a while since I last posted anything. I'm really, really struggling at the moment and I feel worrying closer to ever in pursuing something that will permanently end my anguish. At the moment I find myself taking anything I can get hold of to escape my thoughts and reality of life. Especially anything that will help me sleep (Z drugs, benzos, alcohol etc.). I'm close to losing my job - not due to the aforementioned, but simply because I cannot face the day anymore and a general aura of despondency. I've done some things I'm really ashamed of, but I'm moreso just ashamed of my life as a whole.

I have not reached out to anyone for help as I'm not strong enough to tell anybody the truth. I also cannot afford to take time off work for financial reasons.

Does anyone have any advice they can provide - anything at all that will help me get through each day (or even hour) at a time.

I no longer have any hobbies I can engage with. I was an avid reader, loved academia as a whole and playing games. Because I'm so ashamed of myself, I cannot do these things anymore as it brings feelings of mental pain.
 
cetacea

cetacea

underwater
Nov 8, 2023
64
@cetacea thank you for sharing your art. I love it! I think the way that you draw monsters is interesting, especially the proportions of them. They definitely catch my attention in the best ways! Is there any reason why you like to draw monsters and gore?
You are super kind!! Hmm...I like it because it's different, I suppose. Monsters are paradoxically human in nature as they are a human invention, an invention of the mind. Our imagination produces them even when they aren't there. That's always been the case.

As for gore, it's about the way it makes me feel. I am actually very sensitive about gore. I (understandably) find it very disturbing and uncomfortable even when it is drawings of it. I like things that make me feel strongly.
I'm behind on things and the reply that I was working on timed out and deleted itself. Things aren't looking too great for me mentally and I may go quiet here for a bit, but I'll still be lurking!
...
I'm sorry I can't reply to more things. I feel a little dead right now. I hope that you guys will have a decent week, this week!
Don't feel pressured to reply! I can't speak for everyone but if someone doesn't respond to me I don't take it personally. Especially here, people have their own things going on. I am sorry you feel dead, that's rough. I hope your week can be decent too

Hello everyone
It has been a while since I last posted anything. I'm really, really struggling at the moment and I feel worrying closer to ever in pursuing something that will permanently end my anguish. At the moment I find myself taking anything I can get hold of to escape my thoughts and reality of life. Especially anything that will help me sleep (Z drugs, benzos, alcohol etc.). I'm close to losing my job - not due to the aforementioned, but simply because I cannot face the day anymore and a general aura of despondency. I've done some things I'm really ashamed of, but I'm moreso just ashamed of my life as a whole.

I have not reached out to anyone for help as I'm not strong enough to tell anybody the truth. I also cannot afford to take time off work for financial reasons.

Does anyone have any advice they can provide - anything at all that will help me get through each day (or even hour) at a time.

I no longer have any hobbies I can engage with. I was an avid reader, loved academia as a whole and playing games. Because I'm so ashamed of myself, I cannot do these things anymore as it brings feelings of mental pain.
First of all, I am so sorry you're struggling. I deal with similar things and it is very hard to get through. A year ago every minute was unbearable pain for me. I had constant anxiety from sun-up to sun-down. I got little sleep and when I did sleep I had nightmares. Each morning I woke up in full panic.

What got me through was a couple things, but one was the thought that things could get better. I didn't even have any proof they would, but I believed that. I do not think you need to believe this for it to happen - but having a little hope can be enough to hang in there, just barely.

Another was being strong enough to go to the doctor. I am terrified of doctors. I got through it anyway. I understand if you can't go out of fear/embarrassment or because you lack access to one, but it is what I did and finally I could get through each day with the medication I was prescribed.

It seems your main problem is the shame. I know what that feels like, and I am sorry you feel it. What might make this shame and embarrassment disappear? Is there a past situation that was left unresolved for you? Is there someone you need to make up with? Do you feel your life is lacking in some capacity? How can we remedy this? You can take it one step at a time.
@cetacea

Yes. My mom is feeling slightly better now but she is stressed herself currently because of the illness. It's a bad cold. In my case it's some sort of minor bowel inflament but the pain is bearable.
Really hope you two will feel better soon. I am sorry for your pain, if it is not some serious injury you should be alright hopefully.
 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
I have since been degening with AI chatbots. They're still incredibly subpar, and disappointing. And I'm too stupid & poor to use proper models via SillyTavern,

My mom is going to expel me from uni tomorrow, that's nice. I hope she talks to the German teacher - I consider her the only high-IQ person there, back in September 2023 she even outright told me a story about how she married a neet, I kid you not, she's that cool. That's why it was so awkward for me to swindle her in December - because I don't care about school, and we're "on the opposite sides of the barricades". Now it's all over. I wish my mom told her that I'm not going to kill myself (but normies don't talk about that - I tried a few weeks ago, said in my Telegram chat that I'd like to go to the front but without preparation, and those who replied were actually clueless).

On March 3d, I left the incel Discord chat - it's a nice space to talk and read, but I'm super afraid it might shut down and take my account with it. I had already overstayed my welcome. I could rejoin it for an hour later on.

I've tried the chat on this suicide forum, but people there are clueless and offensive. I wish I could debate incel suicide and my situation with someone. The incels themselves are usually against suicide, and it's boring.

My mom has suggested online group sessions - I said I had intended to try out Omegle for the first time ever in Oct '23, but then it shut down, and while I researched a dozen alternatives, I never went in.
 
lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
396
my court hearing is tomorrow and i have no idea whats going to happen. hard to not be stuck in an anxiety attack all day. failing pretty good at calming down at all. im trying to draw, im trying to read, im listening to a hilarious podcast about a few of the absolutely bonkers failures and idiocy-fueled moves of alex jones (one of the only things that keeps me going is bad people getting at least SOME of what theyre owed), its not working too well. im supposed to go to trivia tonight with my partner/fwb, ill probably be a terrible mess and fuck up like last week all over again. i dont want to be sober. i just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

the one good point is i will be trying tonight. even if im a dumb mess, i will still try. even if i may not really want to, i know i hate myself more if i don't at least try.
 
Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
382
Great.

I was ordered a random UA for reasonable suspicion I am on drugs. I straight up told my employer I was not going to pass a drug test. I had been sober for a week prior, then just so happened to smoke with some dumbasses my boyfriend had over (and was trying to keep me away from.) If I wouldn't had done that, I would have been able to pass the test no problem and I wouldn't be suspended currently. I was honest, admitted I wouldn't pass, and now I have to go through outpaitent treatment and do exhaustive drug testing for awhile.

I understand why. I am a youth worker, so the facility is at risk of shutting down if I continue to go into work high (I don't use at work btw. I never meant to go in high; I would just lose track of time, go on a bender and realize "oh shit I need to work!" and really had no choice.) I am a huge liability. That they are giving me a chance at all is great, but apparently I may need to attend 3 group sessions a week which is completely bullshit. I don't have withdrawals, and I'm not physically dependent. I just found an opportunity to use and let myself get carried away with benders. It happens. I have to sign a release of information and everything. I'm about ready to quit this job. I don't want to pay for months of treatment for a single mistake when I'm more of a dabbler than a full-blown addict. Maybe state jobs aren't for me. lol

My car was broken into at work recently. Nothing was taken but my car was gone through, and I'm wondering if the kids reported that there were bags of residue and a water pipe in the car. I think they were trying to dig dirt. I was already warned for sleep talking, so that something was going on was clear. There may be multiple strings of evidence complied against me.

The pipe and residue wasn't even mine! It was my dealers. By the way one of them got arrested in my car. I got the car back but the keys are missing and I couldn't afford spares so I'm fucked. The dude doesn't have them according to the jail. At least I have my spare car key. I am missing my phone as well and don't remember my fucking gmail password so idk how I'm going to locate it. I am dumber than a box of rocks. I never connected my phone to my laptop or anything. I don't know what to do. My life is a complete mess and I'm about ready to CTB honestly.

My therapist is super cool and I hope he can get me out of extensive drug treatment I don't even need. Like can't I just submit to drug tests jesus h christ.

@lita-lassi Good on you for trying. Court is stressful, so don't beat yourself for being distraught. I don't know who wouldn't in your situation. I hear you on not wanting to be sober as well. I'm ready to just ask someone I know for a one last time party because fuck my life.
 
lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
396
@Cloud Busting i worked a state job with youth as well for 7 1/2 years and holy shit. the only people that stayed longer than the first year that didnt have full on alcoholism or werent high 24/7 were either religious nuts or just completely fucking insane themselves. i managed to make it a long time withiut being a user of anything but the last year there i was such a trainwreck the only reason i didnt quit or get fired was i worked overnights and dealt with management way less. id never have been able to hack a day shift. the endless govt red tape and hopelessness of the system is so opposite of an environment that makes it easier to get sober :/ that mandatory session stipulation is complete horse shit and i really hope youre able to not have to do that either. if theres any way to not work for the state in social services, i recommend everyone that isnt like a robot mentally to just stay away - it chews up everyone so hard 🫂 can i join you in that last party night? 😅 lol i really dont want to stay sober after today. i hope things work out for you 🖤

have a good weekend everyone
 
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
@lita-lassi - you're leaving us in suspense... How'd the court hearing go?

Also, congratulations on making it around the Sun one more time! May this next trip around be a little easier and bring you some closure so you can find some peace and maybe even some enjoyment in life. 🖤
 
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
@Cloud Busting, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry you're having to go through all that. I've done enough government work to know I hate the red tape, and can't imagine having to deal with all of your employment issues in that environment. Hopefully your therapist can provide some help.

As you know, these things happen in cycles, and I hope that things can turn around for you relatively quick. And remember that if you ever need to talk, you're welcome to pm me.

On a side note, I've stumbled across a music video by Sum 41 (featuring nothing.nowhwere) called "Catching Fire". It was originally written by Deryck Whibley after his wife attempted suicide. I found it emotional and powerful.
 
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Reactions: Praestat_Mori
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
I have not reached out to anyone for help as I'm not strong enough to tell anybody the truth.
Welcome back. Your story sounds very much like son's and was tough for me to read. I'm sorry you are struggling, but glad you posted here before taking any more permanent steps.

I know this is an over generalization, but we all have done things we're ashamed of. 😔 I relive these moments in my mind constantly. (When I first joined SaSu, I started a thread about wanting to ctb because of things that I've done were too embarrassing to talk about. ) For me, I had to try to put the past in perspective and focus on today.

I've been in therapy for almost a year, and it remains a secret. (Have not told my therapist- not sure I could get the words out.) I'm not saying this is the best approach, but you can still seek help and start the conversation. You still get to decide when you share. The first step is finding a therapist you connect with.

I've tried the chat on this suicide forum, but people there are clueless and offensive. I wish I could debate incel suicide and my situation with someone. The incels themselves are usually against suicide, and it's boring.
What would you want to debate? Only you know your situation and suicide, regardless of reason, is a very personal choice. And what did you find as offensive? (PM me if you want to share in a less public manner.)

BTW - did your mom unenroll you from uni? Hope that went OK, and you can play video games, and watch YouTube videos and films. It sounded like you would get more out of home study, and focus on the topics you're interested in.

Things aren't looking too great for me mentally and I may go quiet here for a bit, but I'll still be lurking!
No need to reply - but I'm thinking of you and hoping you are taking care of yourself.

PLEASE...

#BeKindToYourself
 
Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
382
@lita-lassi What did you do? I was working at a youth home for kids aged 10-17 who are either in foster care or on probation. I've only been on payroll for 3 months. It is definitely a mix of staff who are Karen's/religious nuts or huge partiers/former addicts. A former employee (he pulled a no call no show) was baked everyday and vaped in the office. The kids knew and even wrote grievances yet they never fired or suspended him. I don't know what I did to get reported to the state but the kids finding residue/paraphernalia in my car is my guess. I got warned for sleep talking and the kids accused me of being on drugs yet I still had my job so who knows.

But yes caregiving staff is often loaded if they're not religious. Almost all of the staff at a special needs group home I worked at drank and smoked weed. This was especially true of graveyard lol. I smoked weed with the graveyard after every shift!

I'm trying to work out sessions with my therapist in lieu of mandatory drug counseling. I'm fine with drug testing but I'm not an addict and I don't need this shit. I feel like I'm court ordered and I'm not even in trouble with the law lmfao.

I have a care management appointment on the 13th and that's when my treatment plan will be determined. I can't return to work until then. Bull.

Definitely let us know how court went if you feel comfortable... If you don't I get it.

@HighFlight thank you! This isn't a government job but it is state regulated so the red tape is crazy.

What do you mean by comes in cycles? My job or drug use? Haha. I will switch jobs if this becomes a huge ordeal my therapist can't get me out of. I could make more money and have better benefits at a grocery store I had a job offer at so.
 
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Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
What would you want to debate? Only you know your situation and suicide, regardless of reason, is a very personal choice.
I'd like to debate inceldom as the cause for suicide. I would indeed like someone to talk about it because I have literally nobody - my mom usually goes hysterical or clueless on both matters.

And what did you find as offensive? (PM me if you want to share in a less public manner.)
People talking about their relationships repulse me, and that's why I go to the incel forum - only to find people who literally can't read my posts because their IQ is [censored]-tier.

BTW - did your mom unenroll you from uni? Hope that went OK, and you can play video games, and watch YouTube videos and films.
Sure, that's the idea, but I'm not even interested in that as much.

It sounded like you would get more out of home study, and focus on the topics you're interested in.
There's literally nothing for me to do but wait for the time to pass (until possible AGI). I'm effectively a corpse already. And I'm not even sure whether AGI would help me.
 
Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Arcanist
Sep 10, 2023
431
Well, I suppose I'll take a break from this site for a while/I'm technically on hiatus but posted a few things the last couple of days still.

It gets better and I don't want to have suicide on my mind for a while or be reminded of the concept at least when trying to feel better emotionally. My illness is getting better too and my mom is also getting better.

Not a lot of things happened the last few days. Just days passing by.

But on a side note - I annoyed @Adûnâi with this in the DMs already and it is very minor but hear me out - something not very nice happened a while back:

There's a Chinese site called "Bilibili" where people upload anime and other stuff like films. It's mostly legal I guess, just a video sharing site. People also upload mainly Asian dramas and also historical dramas on that site. So I like Japanese historical dramas but my main go-to channel for that sort of thing deleted half their collection of videos and that annoyed me.

It's something really petty to be upset about but in my life not a lot of things happen and it's like seeing a person on Youtube deleting half their videos without explaination and I just want to vent about very mundane things that annoyed me.

Yeah. So there's that.
 
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
@Adûnâi - what are you hoping that artificial general intelligence would do to help you? There's lots of movement in the AI field right now, but it still pretty narrowly focused.

Do you play around with any of the current AI sites, besides character.ai? I trying to find the time to get my own LLM running locally so I can play with it.

@Tokugawa_Yoshinobu - Lots of people take a break from SaSu. If taking a break will help you recover, you should do it. We'll miss you, but understand that at some point on your path, hang around a suicide site is not helpful. Wishing you all the best.

I'm sorry that you lost access to all those videos. Did the channel owner make any sort of announcement, or were the videos just gone one day? Is there an email address for them, or another way to contact them and ask? Or if you know the title and producer, might the videos be accessible on a different site?

Hope everyone has a nice weekend.
 
Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Tokugawa_Yoshinobu

Arcanist
Sep 10, 2023
431
@HighFlight

Hello again.

The owner of that channel didn't make any announcement, I'm gonna look if I can contact them because it's irritating. The channel might have been deleted but I can't tell. It's just that deleted channels have random numbers as their name and this channels changed like that too.

The videos can be excessed on different sites but I'm afraid it's not very legal to do so.
 
lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
396
all they did was grant another extension and since my "lawyer" isnt here or licensed here i think i need to find an attorney. which i definitely dont have the money for. dicknose is being belligerent ofc

my partner tried hard to make my bday a good one and he mostly succeeded. without him i wouldn't have gotten out of bed. my anxieties hiccuped a little bit of it but i got to see the new dune finally (i haven't been to a theater in a long time)
 

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