I hope you're not implying anyone here is stupid.
Nah, people here are usually cool, maybe with some regrettable biases, but overall pretty sharp. The very point of suicide ideation would mean it's not the chaff that's here (to anyone with low self-esteem - I'd prefer an honest depressed person to an oblivious[ly] happy normie).
This should be the bulk of your post, not the afterthought. We're curious about how you are doing. This sounds like it might be some seasonal affective disorder (SAD) due to lack of sun (and vitamin D), or could be your current situation. Either way, hopefully it will pass.
It could be that, or just the general turn of my degen cycle. I'm at 240 kanji shapes though, so I haven't abandoned that!
And what's the story behind "a hope for a girlfriend "?
I've been talking to a girl online who's receptive to the idea of a relationship, but would also require me to have a job. Which is awkward because I can't leave my room. I have been trying to be online for her regularly, so that's something - although the talks of 4-7 hours every day are demanding. Not too sure about this whole thing.
I mean, don't get me wrong, that's the point in trying, but I have it always in the back of my mind that nobody can love me. Because I'm just unfit for social life, and can barely offer anything except... loyalty? But desperation is not the most sustainable thing, I'd imagine.
I cannot reject her because that would make me a filthy volcel. But at the same time, I don't have a peace of mind. Talking for 7 hours is usually a Chrstmas-esque occurrence for me, inaugurated by the experience with the dead girl in May '23, and a few other occasions such as a few folks on this forum (to whom I'm immensely grateful, genuinely!), and the Confucian Korean guy on Discord who's incredibly brilliant and knowledgeable.
But in this case, it's just 7 hours of the tritest, most mundane things possible. Writing this comment, I can breath freely. But responding with meaningless feel-good one-liners is just the opposite of my sensibilities. Highly ironically, she refers to others as normies, but she seems to be the normiest person imaginable - maybe with her quirks, but even those are pointless, soulless, normie-like. And I'm turning out to be not-psychopathic enough to manipulate people - quod erat demonstrandum. Bored to tears.
I understand that she might read this, but that's the point - I'm highly certain she will hate me for any reason at some point anyway, and thus getting over it sooner than later would be constructive.
Magickally, she contacted me on 2024-02-27, which looks like 02-07, and the day when I did my magick ritual for the dead girl (I would see her message much later). But I'm not sure it means what it could mean. I'm kind of at my limit physically. No sleep, heavy eyes, sweaty forehead. The telltale signs of exhaustion (how high-brow of me). But how am I supposed to go through this every waking day? And the Discord notification system is absolutely broken, if I enable it, it keeps beeping all the time with false notifications, so annoying (yes, I disabled all notifications per channel, it's of no use; but I cannot monitor the chat all the time otherwise, doing nothing else).
Thanks for coming to my TED-sEX talk. What a milestone. Should wait for AI. My mom shouted at me for not washing the dishes as I promised because I said that I've been enrolled on a job referring to these talks with the girl (regularity is the same). What a retard. We then talked fine, but still, what an absolute moron.