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lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
396
well i gave up on sobriety for only like 3 days but it wasnt like last time at least. only drank once and had a few hits of weed here and there just to quit the constant panicking. i think i need to contact the bar association here and see if i can get some pro bono work done and if not i guess there goes a chunk of my already meager "inheritance" lol

my partner was a big trigger for not wanting to be sober anymore as he spent his emotional outrage on binging and self destruction but hes made a better commitment to sobriety. hopefully this time it lasts. idk what motivations i have left to be better myself tbh

i keep having horrible nightmares but all i want to do is sleep anyways
 
S

stillunemployed

Student
Jun 1, 2023
115
I never got the taste for alcohol. Mostly just shut myself in my bedroom, smoked weed and played games and jerked off to pron. Now I lost all interest in that, something I truly did not anticipate.

I do a lot of exercise now, and I suppose I look healthier than ever before. But I still just feel like I'm throwing my time away.

There is no one around me. I don't think there ever could be. Why would anyone want to be around me?
I do make an effort to talk to my mother, but my father keeps just being an asshole and I then only want to finally carve out his disgusting obese ratfuck face.

My therapist says, that the anger shows on my face and people naturally pick up on it, but what I am supposed to do?

Just forget shit? Just develop dementia?
 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
The perfect case of my interactions with my mom and what I hate about them.

I. Attractiveness.
1. "The inner world is more attractive to girls than the face."
2. She knows that socialisation is by far my weakest link.
3. She cannot consider socialisation to be of the same category as "kindness/evilness", and that I would be "100% evil" by her stupid classification.

II. Anonymity on the Internet.
1. She scares me with the Ukrainian "cyberpolice".
2. She says there is no danger sharing my picture online.
3. She cannot combine the two and consider that sharing the picture online might draw the Ukrainian "cyberpolice" to me.
...4. Because she's apparently of the idiotic school of thought (or lack thereof) that "law-abiding citizens have no reason to fear surveillance".

A microcosm of stupidity, and why I hate the only person I can use my voice to communicate with.

And when I confronted her with point (I), she backed away saying that she had meant in general, not me specifically. Which is a lie because she had directly asked me, "Are you not kind?" (The answer is: it is irrelevant because I have nobody to be kind/evil towards, hence I could be for all intents and purposes "evil" in this case.)

See, this is the stupidity I don't ever see on the Internet. Some boring, not-self-aware, blue-pilled, logically internally contradicting, drivel. Is that an IQ issue? Or just general apathy? She does the things, but doesn't think the thoughts.
 
Proteus

Proteus

I still love you. :(
Feb 6, 2024
307
How do you get over hurting someone you deeply care about?

I've been dealing with guilt for several days, almost not sleeping, and I can't feel better. I just feel so fucking sorry. I talked about them in a vulnerable context, I didn't mean to hurt them, but I did, and I couldn't see it. If this person doesn't trust me again, I'll feel so bad for what I did to them... There were real consequences I wasn't aware of, I had no right to talk about them. Now, this person feels I wanted to hurt them I'm just really clumsy, and didn't know I could do so much damage :(

I've been trying to disconnect and be funny with others, but I don't get over it, I'm still so fucking sorry. And I can't vent with that person as I'm used to, because they are understandably angry with me. I tried to talk, ask for forgiveness, and I'm really scared to lose them.
 
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HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
Hey everyone,

I can't believe the weekend is done so soon. But back to the daily cycle. Had a good therapy session today, although i still don't think I'm getting anywhere. My wife attended last week, and has decided to get her own therapist. It will interesting to see where this path leads... 🤷‍♂️

well i gave up on sobriety for only like 3 days but it wasnt like last time at least.
I'm not sure I'd label this as giving up. Sounds more like making a conscious choice to take a slight break. Please be careful, as this can turn into a habit - but we all need a break sometimes.
i keep having horrible nightmares but all i want to do is sleep anyways
That sounds awful. Are the nightmares new? And could they be tied to all of the pressure you're under with everything going on in your life? Hopefully, they're just a temporary symptom and you can get some real sleep.

There is no one around me. I don't think there ever could be. Why would anyone want to be around me?
Why wouldn't people want to be around you? It sounds like you found a new outlet with exercise, and if it makes you feel better, then it's worth the time.

she had directly asked me, "Are you not kind?" (The answer is: it is irrelevant because I have nobody to be kind/evil towards, hence I could be for all intents and purposes "evil" in this case.)
I'm sorry, but i do have to point out that you do have at least one person to be kind or evil to. From the sounds of it, she does a lot for you. Hopefully you can repay her kindness with kindness of your own.

(I realize i have limited information about youre relationship with your mom. Hopefully I didn't overstep. ❤️)

Hey everyone, I haven't been on this site in a bit and even more in this thread due to some stuff going on irl which has made everything a bit harder, how's everyone doing?
Welcome back. For better or worse, sometimes life prevents us from being able to post, or even login. Im hoping that your irl stuff is positive, but understand either way.

How do you get over hurting someone you deeply care about?
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Trying to avoid hurting people close to me is part of the reason I'm here, and why I can ctb anytime soon.

I'm not sure of a good way to get over it, as it will be a part of you. But you're off to a good start. You also need to give yourself some grace - it wasn't intentional and you've already apologized for it. Hopefully, some time will help in this case, along with keeping good, open communications with them. I wish you all the best.
 
lita-lassi

lita-lassi

let me spell it out for you: go to hell
Sep 25, 2023
396
@HighFlight nightmares have been since i was like 13 along with the insomnia. they started getting somehow worse in my 20s. ive woken up punching/kicking/flailing/biting/screaming/crying more times than i can count. ive thrown myself clear off couches and beds and bruised multiple partners. i dont even get a respite with intoxication anymore

btw @Adûnâi for real big internet points: a persons "iq" doesnt actually mean anything practical in neurological terms. anyone can wiki how flawed of a testing process and scam it is. reducing humans to imaginary flawed numbers sucks

im having to resist posting a long miserable screed because it sucks to say i no longer feel safe or like it helps progress by posting several things in this thread anymore. i think im going the opposite direction of @sadwriter while i fall apart this round. feel free to dm me but idk how often ill reply

im sober today but idk how much longer. im just despondent.
 
S

stillunemployed

Student
Jun 1, 2023
115
Why wouldn't people want to be around you? It sounds like you found a new outlet with exercise, and if it makes you feel better, then it's worth the time.
I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone. Everything is transactional these days, even more so for someone as old as me.
I have never been considered a human being by those around me.
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
Hello guys! I'm still alive and doing decently. Still fighting some sadness and horrible thoughts but I'm surviving and I hope you all will, too. I'm going to reply to the things I think I can reply to.

@lita-lassi Like we say all the time, recovery isn't linear. It also isn't a race or a competition, it's more like a marathon that we're all in together. Sometimes we fall down or fall behind but that's fine as long as we keep on running eventually. When you're ready to get up again, we will be here to help! It does suck that you no longer feel safe to share here but we understand the need to take a break from the thread or the forum. I will probably DM you from time to time but there will never be any pressure to reply right away. I hope that you'll be alright. We care about you lots and you will be missed.
due to some stuff going on irl which has made everything a bit harder
I'm really sorry to hear about the stuff going on in your life that's making things hard. Thank you for checking in on us though! I know that I still have to respond to you but I've also been having some hard times. :') How are you feeling now?
How do you get over hurting someone you deeply care about?
I'm sorry that you're going through this. You've caused someone pain, but that fact is causing you pain in return. It takes a while to "get over" something like this, so please don't rush it. And personally, I don't think you really "get over" it as much as you "move on" from it.

You just have to accept it. Guilt, shame, sadness, sorrow, all of that is going to be normal and warranted, and they're emotions that you just have to work through. But you cannot change what has already transpired, and you cannot change or control their response. It will understandably hurt you if this person decides not to forgive or trust you again. But it's much healthier to accept that possibility, and understand that this is their choice to make.
There were real consequences I wasn't aware of
Yes, there were. And you weren't aware of them, so there's no use in beating yourself up too much about that. You do know better now, and you feel remorse for your actions which means that you've learned from your mistake. So while things may not work out with this friend, the silver lining is that when a similar opportunity presents itself again in the future, you will never hurt someone like this again.

With that being said, I hope that this person can see that you're genuinely sorry about what you did and that they decide to forgive you. Any decision like that will have to be on their time and terms, though. Be sure to let them have some time and space to recover themselves, and they will hopefully be able to come around. I'm really sorry that this is hurting you and I hope you can find a way to move past it. How are you feeling now?
 
Final_Choice

Final_Choice

Mage
Aug 3, 2023
502
Welcome back. For better or worse, sometimes life prevents us from being able to post, or even login. Im hoping that your irl stuff is positive, but understand either way.
Wish it was positive but it's not unfortunately. Glad that the therapy session was good for you though, even if it didn't seem like much progress, hope it gets more helpful for you soon.

I'm really sorry to hear about the stuff going on in your life that's making things hard. Thank you for checking in on us though! I know that I still have to respond to you but I've also been having some hard times. :') How are you feeling now?
Don't worry about it, I completely understand and relate so please take your time. I hope you get through the hard times you're having. I haven't been doing great lately, I always feel like I can't get feel worse but every once in a while I manage to sink even deeper, but I'm used to it at least so I'll get through it one way or another.
 
Proteus

Proteus

I still love you. :(
Feb 6, 2024
307
Hopefully, some time will help in this case, along with keeping good, open communications with them. I wish you all the best.
With that being said, I hope that this person can see that you're genuinely sorry about what you did and that they decide to forgive you. Any decision like that will have to be on their time and terms, though. Be sure to let them have some time and space to recover themselves, and they will hopefully be able to come around.
How much time? I tried, but I got too nervous and tried talking too soon. I'm afraid next time I talk they will be tired. I miss them so much.

It's also not only the guilt. What if they don't forgive me? To lose that person would be terrible, more than guilt, and they think I want to hurt them, things don't look hopeful at all. :(
How are you feeling now?
As bad as yesterday :,(
 
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Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
I'm sorry, but i do have to point out that you do have at least one person to be kind or evil to. From the sounds of it, she does a lot for you. Hopefully you can repay her kindness with kindness of your own.

(I realize i have limited information about youre relationship with your mom. Hopefully I didn't overstep. ❤️)
Ah, don't worry, I should probably put the "I'm never offended" in my signature for such cases, haha.

I have never been abused, but I do consider my parents to be at fault for my existence (feel free to correct me, Siddhartha), so "no amount of love can fix this mistake".

btw @Adûnâi for real big internet points: a persons "iq" doesnt actually mean anything practical in neurological terms. anyone can wiki how flawed of a testing process and scam it is. reducing humans to imaginary flawed numbers sucks
I don't want to hurt you, but I'm of the opinion that all traditional words make sense, including "stupid". Hence, I believe in the existence of stupid people! Although to be fair, it's a deeper conundrum as people usually specialise in a few fields, or conversely, are oblivious to certain subjects. In a word, IQ is a good measure, but parental introjects & mental blocks mess with human minds.

I for one would even be open to consider that I'm genetically dumb, but just don't possess mental blocks, so I can use 100% of my, let's say, 80 IQ. In a word, I would remember that sniffing petrol from a can messes with your brain, but I wouldn't understand why.

(I'm probably coping and am super intelligent, because I feel the urge now to ponder as to what "messing" truly is, and what if asking such questions is more messed up than non-thinking which helps both to survive, thrive and propagate...)

P.S. I've felt rather dull these past few days, despite a hope for a girlfriend. Maybe a bad sleeping schedule. Or the boring cloudy sky. Or merely a random spell that will pass.
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
297
I hope you get through the hard times you're having. I haven't been doing great lately, I always feel like I can't get feel worse but every once in a while I manage to sink even deeper
I'm sorry, again, that you're going through a rough time. I also hope you can get through yours, but I believe in you, and I believe that you can. From what I know about you, you're very strong. And I know it's hard to be strong all by ourselves for so long, but if nobody else sees that about you, then I do.

The silver lining in deciding/having to stay alive is that no matter what kind of challenge life ends up throwing us into, we have no choice but to make it through. Even when it sucks, we do the only thing we can do; endure it and wait until tomorrow. I hope that you'll have better tomorrows. And thank you for being so understanding! I'm really sorry I can't help you more.
How much time?
I'm sorry you're still not doing well, but that's an understandable state to be in. Unfortunately I can't necessarily answer this question. It's going to take as long as it needs to take; weeks, months, years. But eventually you're going to have to move through it, no matter if you make up with your friend or not.

Your friend is on their own timeline. It will also take them as long as they need to heal and make a decision on whether they will forgive you and/or let you back into their life. Since you are sorry and want to make it up to them, a good start would be allowing them their time and space to do that, no matter how long it takes, and even though it will really hurt you. Both of you are hurting in this situation.
What if they don't forgive me?
That's a good question, what will you do if they don't forgive you? Better yet, what can you do? This will definitely be painful. One of the most painful things you may go through. But you can't change the outcome if they can't forgive you, and the best thing to do in that situation would be the only thing you can do, which is to find a way to accept that new reality and carry on.

I want to apologize in advance if my tone came off cold or dismissive in these interactions with you! I recognize that I may sound different from how I usually do because I'm mid-episode right now, and I don't want to be callous to you. To be clear, I think what you're going through is real, valid, and understandably painful. But I also maintain that there is little use in beating yourself up more than you need to, because this is causing you more pain than what is warranted. It feels horrible because you're losing a friend and, in the process, they're gaining a negative view of you. But unfortunately this happens, and we can't change another person's truth, perspective or narrative. The only thing we can do is be a better person, so that we are not truly the monster that we have been to others when we didn't know any better. It hurts because we're supposed to be using the pain to grow out of the version of ourselves that would do something like this. It hurts so that we know it's something we should never do again. So, let it hurt, and try your best to accept and learn from that pain, but don't cause yourself more grief in the process by agonizing over it all.

What do you think will happen if this person doesn't forgive you? You'll lose a friend, but are there other consequences that you're afraid of?
 
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
I don't want to hurt you, but I'm of the opinion that all traditional words make sense, including "stupid". Hence, I believe in the existence of stupid people!
I hope you're not implying anyone here is stupid.

IQ is a strong measure of a person's cognitive abilities (for some groups of people), however it is a flawed measurement by which to judge any individual. It is useful in research, as the tests are predictive, standardized and reliable.

At the same time, it fails to measure other aspects of intelligence such as emotional intelligence, creativity or practical skills. The tests have also been demonstrated to have a cultural bias, and able to be influenced by education and life experiences. And the measurement doesn't take into account a person's ability to grow. As a result, I would have to agree with @lita-lassi, that it is a flawed measure of a human.

Using your example, I would rather you have the IQ high enough to know sniffing petrol not good for your brain AND the practical skills to stop sniffing it and put the top on the petrol can. At that moment in time, the why/how does it mess with your brain is irrelevant. But pondering the how and why could be a sign of neuro-divergence as well. idk 🤷‍♂️

I've felt rather dull these past few days, despite a hope for a girlfriend. Maybe a bad sleeping schedule. Or the boring cloudy sky. Or merely a random spell that will pass.
This should be the bulk of your post, not the afterthought. We're curious about how you are doing. This sounds like it might be some seasonal affective disorder (SAD) due to lack of sun (and vitamin D), or could be your current situation. Either way, hopefully it will pass.

And what's the story behind "a hope for a girlfriend "?

How much time?
What if they don't forgive me?
I'm not sure I can add anything to what @UsagiDrop has already said. I don't think time will be measured in day, weeks, months or years. Instead, I think it will be measured in progress - steps towards healing yourself. This may include healing the relationship, but you need to heal yourself first. I did DM you, and am open to talking more there, as I can feel how much this has hurt you.


@stillunemployed, @UsagiDrop, @Final_Choice,
You are all important to me, but I've run out of time. I will try to catch up later today and respond to each of you. Thank you for your presence, and your patience. 🫂


I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone. Everything is transactional these days, even more so for someone as old as me. I have never been considered a human being by those around me.
If you don't mind me asking (and I apologize if I asked already), but how old are you?
 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
I hope you're not implying anyone here is stupid.
Nah, people here are usually cool, maybe with some regrettable biases, but overall pretty sharp. The very point of suicide ideation would mean it's not the chaff that's here (to anyone with low self-esteem - I'd prefer an honest depressed person to an oblivious[ly] happy normie).

This should be the bulk of your post, not the afterthought. We're curious about how you are doing. This sounds like it might be some seasonal affective disorder (SAD) due to lack of sun (and vitamin D), or could be your current situation. Either way, hopefully it will pass.
It could be that, or just the general turn of my degen cycle. I'm at 240 kanji shapes though, so I haven't abandoned that!

And what's the story behind "a hope for a girlfriend "?
I've been talking to a girl online who's receptive to the idea of a relationship, but would also require me to have a job. Which is awkward because I can't leave my room. I have been trying to be online for her regularly, so that's something - although the talks of 4-7 hours every day are demanding. Not too sure about this whole thing.

I mean, don't get me wrong, that's the point in trying, but I have it always in the back of my mind that nobody can love me. Because I'm just unfit for social life, and can barely offer anything except... loyalty? But desperation is not the most sustainable thing, I'd imagine.

I cannot reject her because that would make me a filthy volcel. But at the same time, I don't have a peace of mind. Talking for 7 hours is usually a Chrstmas-esque occurrence for me, inaugurated by the experience with the dead girl in May '23, and a few other occasions such as a few folks on this forum (to whom I'm immensely grateful, genuinely!), and the Confucian Korean guy on Discord who's incredibly brilliant and knowledgeable.

But in this case, it's just 7 hours of the tritest, most mundane things possible. Writing this comment, I can breath freely. But responding with meaningless feel-good one-liners is just the opposite of my sensibilities. Highly ironically, she refers to others as normies, but she seems to be the normiest person imaginable - maybe with her quirks, but even those are pointless, soulless, normie-like. And I'm turning out to be not-psychopathic enough to manipulate people - quod erat demonstrandum. Bored to tears.

I understand that she might read this, but that's the point - I'm highly certain she will hate me for any reason at some point anyway, and thus getting over it sooner than later would be constructive.

Magickally, she contacted me on 2024-02-27, which looks like 02-07, and the day when I did my magick ritual for the dead girl (I would see her message much later). But I'm not sure it means what it could mean. I'm kind of at my limit physically. No sleep, heavy eyes, sweaty forehead. The telltale signs of exhaustion (how high-brow of me). But how am I supposed to go through this every waking day? And the Discord notification system is absolutely broken, if I enable it, it keeps beeping all the time with false notifications, so annoying (yes, I disabled all notifications per channel, it's of no use; but I cannot monitor the chat all the time otherwise, doing nothing else).

Thanks for coming to my TED-sEX talk. What a milestone. Should wait for AI. My mom shouted at me for not washing the dishes as I promised because I said that I've been enrolled on a job referring to these talks with the girl (regularity is the same). What a retard. We then talked fine, but still, what an absolute moron.
 
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stillunemployed

Student
Jun 1, 2023
115
If you don't mind me asking (and I apologize if I asked already), but how old are you?
Im 35. I've wasted my youth in front of a screen, cuz it was the only escape. I though that being available to my parents, to help them out, would at least garner their respect, but I found out too late they only respect ignorance and being aloof like my siblings.
 
CuriosityAndCat

CuriosityAndCat

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
Nov 2, 2023
304
I deal with complex PTSD. I've been seeing great success with everything I'm doing. It's different from PTSD as it involves a few more symptoms and concomitant disorders. Symptoms have been subsiding. Even broke treatment resistant dysthymia (persistent depression) in the past few months. I don't hate myself anymore, but I feel so broken and diminished.

There's changes in brain structure in CPTSD patients. Interestingly some of my brain activity appears to be changing (QEEG) and it could be structure altering as I've been getting better. I noticed today that my taste in music changing and expanding over past several years may be due to theses changes and my recovery.

It's been slow and painful. The first part of therapy involved 2 years of reliving the traumatic memories and my symptoms were a lot worse during that time. It's taken years to get this far, and I expect it to take some more.

Sometimes like today I just feel so burnt out and like it's neverending. So frustrated about how unnecessary and time consuming all of this has been. I find it hasn't been worth it, and dying seems like a better option over struggling. I'm not where others with the same resources are at and I feel failure, guilt, shame, and worthless.

Most days I'm happy playing with my pets and being able to enjoy things that make life worth living. I can see how I'm happy to be where I am now and I expect the rest of my symptoms to eventually go away. Just live day to day and celebrate each success.
 
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HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
Hello everyone,

My apologies for now being able to respond sooner, and if this reply is a little out of date. I started it the other day but am just now getting around to finishing it. I might have to try going back to short, focused reply.🤔 (ADHD, coupled with early dementia can be difficult)

@Final_Choice - I'm sorry you are continuing to have a difficult time. I'm embarrassed to ask, as you might had said already, but what is causing you to have a hard time?

I want to apologize in advance if my tone came off cold or dismissive in these interactions with you! I recognize that I may sound different from how I usually do because I'm mid-episode right now, and I don't want to be callous to you.
You have remained one of the kindest and consistent voices on the thread, despite all that you've been going through. I'm sorry your in mid-crisis, although hopefully my stellar speed in responding gave you an opportunity to re-ground yourself.

I for one appreciate all that you do to help keep this thread alive.

I've been talking to a girl online who's receptive to the idea of a relationship
This is a positive step forward. You seem to be talking to her 4-7 hours per day. If you could leave your home, would you go visit her irl?

I mean, don't get me wrong, that's the point in trying, but I have it always in the back of my mind that nobody can love me.
Be careful with negative thinking - it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I understand that she might read this, but that's the point - I'm highly certain she will hate me for any reason at some point anyway, and thus getting over it sooner than later would be constructive.
So I'm assuming she's on the site?

Im 35. I've wasted my youth in front of a screen, cuz it was the only escape. I though that being available to my parents, to help them out, would at least garner their respect, but I found out too late they only respect ignorance and being aloof like my siblings.
Parents can be complicated. Looking around this site, there are a lot people who's parents are a significant factor to their current state. It makes sense, especially given the site's population skews toward the younger side. But even at >50, my relationship with my parents have had a major impact on me and my mental health.

What you need to remember is that parents are just people. They have the same issues, concerns and fears as everyone else.

I have a 'child' who is early 20s and suffers from extreme anxiety. They refused any sort of help and is hold up in their bedroom (their choice) playing video games. But even though we don't talk much, if anything we're to happen to them, I don't know what I'd do.

Have you tried talking to them about how you feel?
Another shitty morning...
I'm sorry.

I deal with complex PTSD. I've been seeing great success with everything I'm doing. It's different from PTSD as it involves a few more symptoms and concomitant disorders. Symptoms have been subsiding. Even broke treatment resistant dysthymia (persistent depression) in the past few months. I don't hate myself anymore, but I feel so broken and diminished.
It's wonderful to get some good news for a change. It sounds like you're successfully dealing with your CPTSD. What treatment were you doing for your dysthymia?

Just live day to day and celebrate each success.
What a great sentiment to end on!

We might have to add these to our thread hashtags. (Yh, I realize I the only one who uses the, but the come in handy every now and then.)

#LiveDay2Day #CelebrateEachSuccess
 
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stillunemployed

Student
Jun 1, 2023
115
Parents can be complicated. Looking around this site, there are a lot people who's parents are a significant factor to their current state. It makes sense, especially given the site's population skews toward the younger side. But even at >50, my relationship with my parents have had a major impact on me and my mental health.

What you need to remember is that parents are just people. They have the same issues, concerns and fears as everyone else.

I have a 'child' who is early 20s and suffers from extreme anxiety. They refused any sort of help and is hold up in their bedroom (their choice) playing video games. But even though we don't talk much, if anything we're to happen to them, I don't know what I'd do.

Have you tried talking to them about how you feel?
Of course i did. It was a trap. Mom is naive and dad is a professional hypocrite. The only valid feelings are his.

He used to beat me for forgetting to wash the dishes and then make fun of me for doing woman's work like washing the dishes.
 
Adûnâi

Adûnâi

Little Russian in-cel
Apr 25, 2020
818
Be careful with negative thinking - it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Indeed, saying that nobody can love me is a feminine overdramatisation. I seem to be a fine conversation partner with those few people have talked to (online), and even this girl has said I'm in top4 in her history (not anymore probably).

The issue arises when pondering a possibility of a proper, long-term, high-contact relationship - with IRL characteristics. Now there I'm 100% sure I would be more trouble than it's worth. Unless someone has not just a male virgin fetish, but also is willing to teach the most basic things about IRL life that are otherwise known to everyone - and that's not even accounting for any genuine personality quirks that may prove impossible to straighten out.

This is a positive step forward. You seem to be talking to her 4-7 hours per day. If you could leave your home, would you go visit her irl?
I stopped 2 days ago because I was at my brink. Would I visit? Not too sure about the financial and logistical sides of such a project. Where would I even live? What would I do? How much of my previous life would remain with me? I can't just become a Christian/Muslim monk in the Sahara desert lmao, and that would be comparable.

I could do it if we were compatible, but if we're not, who would I be trying to trick?

So I'm assuming she's on the site?
Not at all, and when I asked her of suicide directly, she said she had never considered killing herself. Is that a red-flag? ^__^ (Yes, it is, because her normie-like behaviour is so unimaginatively dull that I can't bear it. And she's calling others normies?)

Sure, living with pigs in an apartment is not normie, but the impulse to have control over a creature to be loved is normie in essence.

P.S. The terror attack in Moscow has been capturing my imagination this past day, thankfully, so I've been focusing on that.

P.P.S. I've brought up the number of my learned kanji to 300! But considering my aversion to learning a trillion pronunciations, maybe I should bite the bullet and actually learn Chinese which doesn't have as many homophones? Hilarious. Mind you, I'm not a schizo pretending to learn a language, I'm just learning pictures with vague meanings ^^
 
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depressedlittleboy

depressedlittleboy

Member
Jul 18, 2023
28
Hello and welcome to the support group megathread!

[Editor's Note] This thread was started by Venin, a former SaSu member. While Venin is no longer with us, his legacy lives on through this thread: since his initial idea to start a peer support group on SaSu, this group has blossomed into a community of support, understanding, and shared growth.

What is this thread about?
This thread is a safe space for anyone feeling overwhelmed, lost, or at their lowest to share, vent and seek support from other SaSu members. Here, we share our daily struggles and victories, no matter how small they may seem. Every voice matters and every experience is valid in this group. Whether you've decided to focus on the path to recovery or just want to feel better than you do right now, you're welcome to participate. There's no pressure to fully commit to recovery and no judgement for whatever path you decide to take. The only thing that matters here is that we be kind and supportive to each other.

How can you participate?
* Share Your Story: Feel free to share your challenges and progress. No matter where you are on your journey, your story has power.
* Offer Support: If you see a fellow member in need, offer a kind word, share your own experiences, or simply let them know they're heard.
* Seek Guidance: If you're looking for advice or need help navigating a tough situation, don't hesitate to ask. Our community thrives on mutual support and the exchange of ideas and suggestions.

Why join us?
You're not alone in your struggle. While SaSu began as a site primarily focused on discussion of CTB, the recovery section is a place where members can find others who relate to their mental health struggles, and this group has become a compassionate community within this part of the site. Together, we can find the strength to get through another day, and to feel a little bit better than we did the day before. Let's make this journey together, one step at a time.

View attachment 130241
I would like there to be a recovery support group and Id like to be in it as well
 
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
I would like there to be a recovery support group and Id like to be in it as well
Welcome, and you can consider yourself as in the group. In reality, this thread has served as an ongoing support group. Your welcome to share whatever thoughts are on your mind. Other members will respond, and the conversation continues...

There is no pressure for you to share anymore than you're comfortable with. If you have any questions, just post them in the thread. And if you need to talk, but are not comfortable posting publicly, you can always send me a DM (not private chat).

Welcome! 🫂
 
the_fail_man

the_fail_man

Failure, Outcast, Diseased - The True Leper
Mar 9, 2024
47
New to this thread. Long live Venin.
I vow to fight my M.E. each day (paradoxically by resting, lol). To try and post at least weekly (somewhere) on this site. I can't and won't vow recovery because my disease dictates most of that, but I will go down the road until I reach the end. So be it.

My story is so fucked. Life has been so unkind to me from day 1. And none of it was my fault. This is all unfair. I hate this all so much. What life did to me. I haven't ever fallen in love. I haven't had the chance to. Life never afforded me the opportunity. I'm not sure it ever will. But I vow to try. Even though each day of M.E. is pain, misery, agony. I vow to at least try. In the end. No one can say I didn't try. I've been trying for 25 years. My goal is to make it to 27. But idk. Love you all 🖤 💙
 
Final_Choice

Final_Choice

Mage
Aug 3, 2023
502
@Final_Choice - I'm sorry you are continuing to have a difficult time. I'm embarrassed to ask, as you might had said already, but what is causing you to have a hard time?
Don't worry, not sure if I explained it completely or not. Just my own illnesses and how they still affect me everyday even though I've been going to different doctors and specialists for most of my life now. I temporarily lost my insurance due to an error with my sponsor so I had to cancel my appointments that I had for spring break and had to move them to summer. I'll only have my parents insurance for a bit longer since I'll be done with college next year, so after that I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm barely surviving even with all these specialists and treatment (even though it doesn't help much) but I don't know what I'll do without it.

That and being too busy to do much besides work/study and being too stressed due to all my responsibilities. There's more little things which add up and really affect me, but they're not as bad individually.
 
HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
516
I vow to fight my M.E. each day (paradoxically by resting, lol). To try and post at least weekly (somewhere) on this site. I can't and won't vow recovery because my disease dictates most of that, but I will go down the road until I reach the end.
Welcome to the thread and our group. You've obviously read through the thread, but we haven't really been making vows unless it something important to you. However, yours is a great vow.

If you're open to share, tell us a little bit about yourself. May you get some rest and share only what you're comfortable with and at your own pace.

I'll only have my parents insurance for a bit longer since I'll be done with college next year
In the US, you should be covered by your parents insurance until you're 26.

But having financial issues on top of medical problems, really sucks. I wish the US would adopt a system so people (patients) come first, not the greed of major corporations.

I can understand feeling overwhelmed due to responsibilities, but when you add to that medical and financial issues, this has to be very tough for you. I hope you are giving yourself some grace while you navigate your way through everything you have going on.

Hope everyone has a better day than yesterday - One day at a time.
 
the_fail_man

the_fail_man

Failure, Outcast, Diseased - The True Leper
Mar 9, 2024
47
Welcome to the thread and our group. You've obviously read through the thread, but we haven't really been making vows unless it something important to you. However, yours is a great vow.

If you're open to share, tell us a little bit about yourself. May you get some rest and share only what you're comfortable with and at your own pace.


In the US, you should be covered by your parents insurance until you're 26.

But having financial issues on top of medical problems, really sucks. I wish the US would adopt a system so people (patients) come first, not the greed of major corporations.

I can understand feeling overwhelmed due to responsibilities, but when you add to that medical and financial issues, this has to be very tough for you. I hope you are giving yourself some grace while you navigate your way through everything you have going on.

Hope everyone has a better day than yesterday - One day at a time.
I don't feel super comfortable or ready to share too much. All I will say is the world was at my finger tips. I worked so hard. I graduated no debt. I'm the USA. I worked my ass off and played it smart. Then one night I was gaming and felt off. Fever. Felt like death. So I went to bed. Next minute I can't move. I can't speak. And it's been 3 years of just suffering like this. Stuck in my bed. It's such a shame. Life is so unfair man. I'm not sure how long I'll be around before I ctb..... But I'm trying to fight. Failing. But I'll go down in a fucking blaze.

So many people care about me. They didn't deserve this. Screw me getting M.E. my family. My friends. They didn't deserve to see my suffer such prolonged agony.


Anyways I like rain and storms. It's storming out and it makes me happy. I made it one more day. 💙 💙 💙
 

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