Hi
@Malaria, welcome. I'm sorry to hear about the impact yout mental health issues are having on your loved ones. These are the people who are in the best position to help. So when they withdraw, it can hurt even more.
Unfortunately, there's no easy answer to how to get out of this situation.
@Life_and_Death provided some great suggestions - honesty, hardwork, & figuring out what you need. I know that sometimes it feels like ctb is an easy solution. But if you read some of the stories here, you'll see that is not as easy as it sounds.
Is there one person in your group of loved ones who you feel you're especially close too. Having a honest conversation about how you feel and what you're going through might be helpful. Only you know enough about your relationship to determine if you can bring up the subject of ctb. But many times it better to focus on the reasons why you feel that way, and not on the act itself.
Also, you should have these conversations with a therapist or doctor. If you have one, but feel stuck, can you find a different person? While not a replacement for professional help, I am open to private messages if you want someone to talk to in a not so public forum.
Anyway, welcome to our group. Feel free to share what you feel comfortable with. (And don't be afraid to jump in if you want to respond directly to another user's post.)
@stillunemployed, I had the same experience with Wellbutrin. And I also have had bad reactions to every SSRI I've tried. :( But Life_and_Death is correct - we all react differently to the medications. Wellbutrin, SSRIs, and other mental health drugs work well for many, but not everyone.
But it's great that you can get out and doing some hiking. Physical exercise can help the body to produce its own "drugs". It just beginning to warm up where I am, and I'll try to hike 4-5 miles a few times each week. But like you, I feel judged for being in a public place alone.
@Life_and_Death, you have a lot of issues & questions you're looking to resolve. You mentioned several forward-thinking paths - opening a bakery, having children, relationships. You've also mentioned obstacles such as anorexia and mental health issues. It's great you're taking your medication regularly. (I wish I had only 3 medications to worry about.)
Keep in mind, you don't have to solve everything at once. You're young and have plenty of time - just don't waste it with indecision. You won't always make the "right" choice, but you will make progress. So figure out which issue you'd want to work on first and focus on that. You can still work on others, as they're usually interrelated. But put your focus on the issue you feel is the most important to you.
And to everyone, we tend to beat ourselves up over things that we would understand and show grace for if someone else were to do the same thing. Please remember, show yourself the same grace that you show others here.
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BeKindToYourself