"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[HighFlight]

Don't make me cry on a Wednesday

OK, but it's Thursday where I am.

 

[the_fail_man]

OK, but it's Thursday where I am.

Same here but don't make me cry on MLBs opening day
I will win this!

 

[stillunemployed]

anothoer fucking morning

 

[HighFlight]

anothoer fucking morning

Yup, taking life one day at a time. Some days will be worse than others. Some better. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

And it sounds like you might be stuck in a rut - your own personal hamster wheel. If that's the case, I totally relate. My therapist told me that I needed to make a major change to get out of my rut. She described it as "needing a personal 9/11 event."

Hopefully, you can break out of your rut without something as drastic.

 

[Life_and_Death]

idk....

 

[HighFlight]

idk....

About what?

 

[Life_and_Death]

About what?

everything......
(TW- girl stuff)

(wheres the start? the joint i just finished i suppose...)

i want to ask my bf to marry me (something we've already discussed at length just not official due to me still living with my ex hus; more on that later ) but i want to be at least 6mnths clean first. my bf doesnt say a word about it. he has zero expectations of me quitting for as long as im here. id smoke literally 24/7 if my exhus could afford it... idk about quitting.... (i dont even have to quit, his only problem is im addicted, ok thats more than fair enough)

im going to see if i can move in with my grandfather but hes a 4-5hr drive away. ive been begging my bf to come with me (not right away)....we agreed we're not breaking up at this point so... idk if he doesnt....
my cat cant travel 2mins without meeeeow meeeeeow meeeeeeow, i cant take her 4-5hrs..... it would most likely be better for me but....idk about making this trip.....

that doesnt matter rn though because thanks to my anorexia i dont have the strength to do anything and thanks to my mental health i dont have the mental capacity to do basic self care. im getting better but i still......i just cant.....

so im stuck with someone that seems to think he owns me because i signed a piece of paper (if i knew that was the deal with you, i never would have signed it.) he goes around "my wife my wife my wife" and its so grinding. ive told him repeatedly, for years, i want a divorce. you not being able to accept my words, isnt really my problem. ive communicated with you. ive told you and ive told you why.

and im turning 25 soon... (have to get over the 1yr anniversary of my girl (cat) passing away first....... and my little brothers bdays that i dont get to see or even have the mental capability to talk to... i think he wants me in his life....im too broken...i cant do it.... anyway..) im turning 25 and theres all these mom videos on fb (that i mostly use for food people(?) and quotes/flowers to send to my bf, but theyre there) and ive always wanted to be a mom.... my bf doesnt (which im fine with....but...a little while ago he did also mention on his own something like "you probably like that im trying to get along with kids" i cant remember but why bring it up if youre not warming up to the idea..?) but my bad back...i cant even do basic doctor things (i dont do check ups, i go when i need something. which is so wrong.) i cant even do the yearly "girl test", i did it once, thank you past trauma, never again. how am i suppose to have a whole room of people!? what if something goes wrong? i dont want to be in pain for several days in labor. i cant handle other kids growing up, what if their life goes wrong like mine did?

i want to open a bakery but everything ive started has always gone the same way....why would my dream since i was 12 be any different..?

so ive been bawling off and on for the past 2ish hours... i just dont know anything anymore and wishing id just stop breathing.... (sorry if its "messed up"/difficult to read/understand, i didnt re-read it and i feel like i can barely think past 2 words....)

 

[drowinginsorrowww]

hello...I used to post a lot when Marquis and Serge were running this place, I still feel drawn to it though.
I WILL NOT CTB. I cannot leave my brother alone. Not even sure why I'm writing all this, I'm about to have a great weekend.
II haven't visited here so I'm out of the loop but will try to catch up on the thread.
Hope everyone else has a good/great/not-bad lol weekend, I'll check in in a few days. Hope I'm not derailing the thread or anything lol
Peace

 

[stillunemployed]

good moaning

Yup, taking life one day at a time. Some days will be worse than others. Some better. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

And it sounds like you might be stuck in a rut - your own personal hamster wheel. If that's the case, I totally relate. My therapist told me that I needed to make a major change to get out of my rut. She described it as "needing a personal 9/11 event."

Hopefully, you can break out of your rut without something as drastic.

jesus fucking christ, why do therapists always need to talk in such tacky language?

yes i need to do a normandy landing on my scorched earth of a mind, so i can avoid a syrian civil war and grow like a facebook IPO and leverage my assets to make this quarterly earnings be a more successful war on terror.

 

[lita-lassi]

im likely completely wrong but tbf i dont think she meant something bad like 9/11 i think she meant how literally everything from top to bottom throughout a lot of the world changed after 9/11 (im not trying to sound america-centric, govt shit all over the planet did change a ton fucking thanks cheney and please excuse my dumb ass)

rant:
im not... good, but i took molly and fucked in a car by a quiet and dark lake/camping grounds last night and it was a pretty good time. ditched my therapist appt out of sheer dread of having to say again how hopeless i feel and nothing has changed. not fair to her at all, shes great and cares a lot and im a guilty mess. ive not been overly intoxicated, mostly just more despondency and uselessness, but i may be doing acid this weekend with my dude who needs a perspective/reality change. if thats the case, more molly and weed will be consumed as well. i feel guilty as fuck for not telling him how often ive actually relapsed even if i never got drunk and didnt stay high for days on end. he just had a bombshell dropped on his life AGAIN (idk how he has such shit luck in life) and i played cleanup with him after finding out hed spent the entire 24hrs before telling me royally shitfaced and did some coke. i kept him sober the rest of the evening/night then said "fuck it" with him last night when hes still trying to cope with the bad news and doesnt know how to be sober about it. so, i proposed the molly to try and at least have us on something that felt good instead of just numb

i just needed to fucking rant. idk how irregular ill be. sorry for the jarring tone shifts i have while in shut-down mode

 

[sadwriter]

Hey guys!

Sorry I'm not able to reply to anyone individually right now– I just wanted to come out of my lurking to post one last time. I've decided that I'm going to stop logging onto the site altogether (and possibly deactivate my account at some point when I'm ready) now that I'm starting to feel better. I've delayed doing this since I wanted to keep reading the thread & rooting you guys on from afar (and sending those famous weird hug reactions LOL), but I think it's about time now with where I'm at in recovery.

Short version of a personal update, recovery is still very much recovery-ing for me and I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be myself again and am finally working through stuff that's been fucking me up since childhood & learning to feel my feelings without dissociating & all that jazz. It's not all sunshine and rainbows of course, and I've been grappling with a lot of difficult emotions, but every time I come out of a low point I feel a little better & more confident in myself than I did last.

I feel like the most deeply sentimental motherfucker for saying this dramatic goodbye, especially after I already said a dramatic goodbye a month ago, but yeah, this group was a real safe haven for me, and I'm going to miss keeping up with you guys!!! I hope everyone on this thread can continue to support each other and keep making those everyday wins <3

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[HighFlight]

im likely completely wrong but tbf i dont think she meant something bad like 9/11 i think she meant how literally everything from top to bottom throughout a lot of the world changed after 9/11

You are correct. In the US, 9/11 rocked the country to our core. 20+ years later and its still on people's mind. Transportation has been changed. In short, impacted many aspects of our daily life. (One could argue it has accelerated the polarity of the nation and brought us to the mess were in now.)

But, she didn't mean I need to blow the house up. Simply put, she means that I need to make a change that uproot my personal life on the same scale that 9/11 did for the country. What that works out to be, I have not idea. Maybe I just need to let go...

On a positive note, I had a good weekend as the family seems to finally be working on getting on track. One child started wellbutrin after agreeing to see a psychiatrist. The other admitted to his college of choice that he has ADHD and is going to have to drop one of his current courses. They accepted his application. And my wife decided to see her own therapist. All in all, a good step forward for the whole family.

@UsagiDrop - it seems like awhile since we last talked. I hope everything is OK, and wish you all the best.

saying this dramatic goodbye, especially after I already said a dramatic goodbye a month ago, but yeah, this group was a real safe haven for me, and I'm going to miss keeping up with you guys!!! I hope everyone on this thread can continue to support each other and keep making those everyday wins <3

If you wanted attention, there other ways to get it than posting a dramatic goodbye every month.

But regardless, I remain happy that you're on a positive path and hope you can continue this trajectory. You have the possibility of a bright future ahead of you. Turn it into a reality!

 

[lita-lassi]

ok im back. i feel better, im staying sober, i had a good day, better than any in weeks somehow. i think my therapy appt and having a more tangible mission to accomplish helped a lot. please keep posting here, lovely people. this thread has helped an extraordinary amount even if my whacky line of progress has gone tangibly sideways. im eating better, im trying to exercise at least a bit consistently. documenting it here makes it more real. idk, im just venting but please take care

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning

 

[lita-lassi]

good morning

good morning :) how have you been?

 

[cheese.out]

Hey yall
Havent posted here for a while. Just a little vent but Im high on opioids again and really tired so i'll keep it short. Ctb thoughts are slowly coming back, but hey november/december i thought i would be dead when 2024 begins. Drugs are becoming a bigger and bigger problem, already had 3 withdrawls from stuff like codein, tramadol and oxy. And everything just makes me so damn tired and exhausted. Kinda just wanna sleep forever. Anyway.. hugs for everyone gonna sleep now

 

[Adûnâi]

I haven't been updating you here, but then again, barely anything is happening in my life as is. I've trying to keep up the conversation with my dull "future gf", I have been playing Mobile Legends and learning kanji shapes (nominally, I'm at 540 now!), and just today the Shinto priestess has responded to my second mail of March 16th!

I've also found a rather cool YouTube channel called Old Britannia.

 

[lita-lassi]

Hey yall
Havent posted here for a while. Just a little vent but Im high on opioids again and really tired so i'll keep it short. Ctb thoughts are slowly coming back, but hey november/december i thought i would be dead when 2024 begins. Drugs are becoming a bigger and bigger problem, already had 3 withdrawls from stuff like codein, tramadol and oxy. And everything just makes me so damn tired and exhausted. Kinda just wanna sleep forever. Anyway.. hugs for everyone gonna sleep now

glad you posted i cant pretend to know what's best at all and im no @UsagiDrop , but recovery from these things is baby steps. do you have methadone as a viable option to help? a support network to lean on? whatever hope/reason you're hanging onto has let you see '24 so i hope youre able to hold on and keep going in a positive direction for yourself

 

[stillunemployed]

good morning :) how have you been?

preeeeeeeeeety weird
good morning

 

[stillunemployed]

another fucking morning

I want valid people who literally serves a purpose.

yeah, same

 

[HighFlight]

another fucking morning

I'm still trying to go to sleep... so I guess it's another fucking night for me.

 

[Adûnâi]

From the news of my life - a clear case of my interactions with my mom.

I call her telling that I don't have enough space on the phone, so I need 1 EUR for Google Drive to transfer the files to. And that my cable doesn't work to do it otherwise. Her reaction? Fear. I try to explain that there is nothing to fear, but that's her whole response.

I say that this case highlights how incompatible our personalities are, and that in a better world we would have to avoid any and all interactions. She asks whether that means not talking, but her serving me silently. I say "no, absolutely no interactions". And continue that I did mention a way forward to accomplish this a long time ago. She at least picks up on my hint that it's suicide (finally she remembers something), but calls it blackmail. To which I scream and shout that it's a vile misrepresentation and libel, hanging the line as she grows hysterical.

P.S. She has called me again, telling how she has given me the money, and when she's going to prepare me food, and how she has sent me the words for me to translate into English for our granny. So see, it's not all bad, but it's still rather cringe, and we can't actually have a dialogue. No points of connection.

On another note, my "future gf" (who reminds me terribly of my mom, and that's not my fetish) has been surprisingly useful in one curious way - by mentioning the "Slowly" app (what a dumb name) which attempts to give an illusion of long-range correspondence. It's like r/MakeNewFriendsHere but with long wait times for responses to the "letters" - thus prompting to put in the effort into the messages instead of vomiting the drivel of one-liners. Also, no real-life pictures! A decent idea, honestly, I can appreciate. I have already written my pseudo-suicide note there lmao. It feels nice to write even without expecting a response.

My first response was to some gay dude in America - because I thought I could respond something about media - how media is trash about everything it touches, regardless of the subject.

Another response was to a girl who said both about not using AI AND not seeking a relationship - those are kind of high-IQ points.

The third was to an Israeli dude who wrote in Russian and to whom I responded in English - probably a mistake, shouldn't be a monolingual beta, but I'm just not sure in my native language skills.

The fourth one, it was a Russian girl who liked anime and Tolkien, so I finally defeated my shyness and wrote in the language of Lenin... Apparently, having made a disgusting slew of typos because my phone skills are dogshit, ew. But e for effort! And I could quote a song about the elves by Epidemia, and even mention the old Russian Tolkienist forum Arda na Kulichkah, so I'm proud of it.

The fifth one has been a Ukrainian boy writing a short letter about his interest in philosophy... With a disgusting list of punctuation errors (not typos). Well, I did try to write to him in my native Ukrainian, but the phone keyboard is hopelessly overflown with the multitude of buttons for all the characters, clearly not made with any use in mind - so I switched to English half-way through. I can only talk about Nietzsche anyway. And the worst thing is that... he's replied! Why, just why.

On the last point, I think the Gboard Google keyboard is better, whereas the baseline keyboard is worse, but still, the Ukrainian layout is incredibly trash, and impossible to use. Worse than Russian which isn't easy either. And I can barely use English because I have no phone skills.

Also, I'm nominally at 580 kanji now! Should finish this 200 character set, bringing it up to 640, and then revise-revise-revise! And maybe even learn some sounds with my mouth.

Also, yesterday, my future gf was inactive because she was apparently reading Harari and watching movies, so that's nice. And she says she's not angry with me. Maybe she's going to abandon me? I'm not sure, whatever.

Yesterday, too, I finally picked up a book! Patrick Geary about memory in the Middle Ages. But I didn't read him, I read some 10 page essay on the transition of pagan culture into Christian one in late antiquity - it was insanely dense, and I barely remembered anything. QED. But it wasn't anything ground-breaking anyway - yeah, the pagan culture did not disappear overnight, and either way the best pagan literary styles of the 5th century were being picked up and preserved for Christian use, something like that. Although it is my impression that starting in the 7th century, the Christians without the pagans started literally forgetting everything, changing even Constantine into a legendary founder of Constantinople and a finder of the True Cross (or his mom).

I kind of feel that using AI on such dense essays would yield better results. Or electrodes in the brains!

Apologies if this is too much. Yesterday I also talked to my Confucian scholar at length, some of points of interest - he apparently uses a DeepL translator for my messages which blew my mind. For long I knew something had been afoot because he was clearly copypasting his responses, but the quality of the translation is just mind-blowing! Of course, I'm a technophile, so I don't mind it. Also, the dead JP girl might have used one, too. Which makes me feel better about my own level of English.

P.P.S. Did I tell you that a week ago I discovered 5 lines of my DMs to some girl I barely knew from a school contest from 2012? Written in English! And the most amusing thing is that while I cringe at most things I write, especially this ancient, but in this case, I didn't even cringe... because what I wrote was not even comprehensible? I was literally calling Facebook my "long-range tool" and Skype "short-range". WTF was I even trying to say?

It was April 2012, sunny childhood days. I would only start immersing myself in Anglo YouTube around summer 2012 - and in 2014, would get a B level on some international test, if my impression is correct (the listening part was of a disgustingly trash sound quality). But I was supposed to have attended my English tutor for 3.5 years at that point? Was it that useless, in fact? Or without him, I wouldn't have started listening to Anglo YouTube? Questions, questions...

 

[lita-lassi]

another day another dick in the ass

(edit: jk im still in a higher mood today and i hope everyone has a great weekend )

 

[stillunemployed]

another day another dick in the ass

fun weekend!

 

[HighFlight]

Hello everyone,

I'm trying to get caught up, as I am way behind. My apologies to anyone I might have missed.

@the_fail_man, how are you doing?

@Life_and_Death, thank you for sharing. Are you going to be able to move with your grandfather? That must be kind of weird to be living with your ex, but having a bf whom you're looking to marry.

I'm very sorry to hear about your cat.

@drowinginsorrowww, welcome back.

Mental illness is not an excuse to be a dick.

No, its not, but sometimes it happens and is not always in our control. For example, I wanted to reply to Life_and_Death after asking her a question, but my brain got side-tracked.

I was too blinded by their good parts to realize how some people are.

Sometimes when we want something bad enough, we can only see the good side. Then we're hurt when we see the other side, and lash out with negative emotions like sadness and anger. And this can happen the other way around as well. Relationships are hard and take work, and that something that doesn't go away. That doesn't mean they aren't worth the effort. It means they call it a commitment for a reason.

another day another dick in the ass

(edit: jk im still in a higher mood today and i hope everyone has a great weekend )

I don't know how to respond...

Glad to know that you are still in a good mood and hope you're having a great weekend.

@Adûnâi, I took a look at the Slowly app. Interesting concept, with good reviews. I remember a time when communicating over long distance either took time or was expensive - back when our telephones, including the handset were plugged into the wall. You should keep us updated.

It's getting late here, so I'll end this post. I do hope everyone has a nice rest of the weekend.

 

[the_fail_man]

Hello everyone,

I'm trying to get caught up, as I am way behind. My apologies to anyone I might have missed.

@the_fail_man, how are you doing?

@Life_and_Death, thank you for sharing. Are you going to be able to move with your grandfather? That must be kind of weird to be living with your ex, but having a bf whom you're looking to marry.

I'm very sorry to hear about your cat.

@drowinginsorrowww, welcome back.


No, its not, but sometimes it happens and is not always in our control. For example, I wanted to reply to Life_and_Death after asking her a question, but my brain got side-tracked.


Sometimes when we want something bad enough, we can only see the good side. Then we're hurt when we see the other side, and lash out with negative emotions like sadness and anger. And this can happen the other way around as well. Relationships are hard and take work, and that something that doesn't go away. That doesn't mean they aren't worth the effort. It means they call it a commitment for a reason.


I don't know how to respond...

Glad to know that you are still in a good mood and hope you're having a great weekend.

@Adûnâi, I took a look at the Slowly app. Interesting concept, with good reviews. I remember a time when communicating over long distance either took time or was expensive - back when our telephones, including the handset were plugged into the wall. You should keep us updated.

It's getting late here, so I'll end this post. I do hope everyone has a nice rest of the weekend.

I'm not doing well but I'm here. I'm glad I found this place. I don't think I'll ever find someone to love me but this place has been very warm and loving and I appreciate that. My health is not good unfortunately and pretty hooked on some meds that help me. I guess I'm here. Haven't CTB quite yet. Thanks for checking in, it means a lot!

 

[Life_and_Death]

For example, I wanted to reply to Life_and_Death after asking her a question, but my brain got side-tracked.

i didnt think you were "being a d!ck" at all

@Life_and_Death, thank you for sharing. Are you going to be able to move with your grandfather? That must be kind of weird to be living with your ex, but having a bf whom you're looking to marry.

I'm very sorry to hear about your cat.

thank you
i hope so, last i heard he was begging me to move in and got my aunt begging me as well, but that was a couple years ago and i havent talked to him for almost a year (since my cat passed away). its my last option though.
weird? depressing for sure

.•° ✿ °•. °•. ✿ .•° .•° ✿ °•.

but...a little while ago he did also mention on his own something like "you probably like that im trying to get along with kids" i cant remember but why bring it up if youre not warming up to the idea..?

and i talked to him about this.... i didnt directly ask if he was warming up to the idea but he did say that he was just being nice to me or something like that..

i read things like "values have to line up" and if you dont agree about having kids...but its more complicated than that.. its not wrong about the 'empty/unfinished' feeling. but its advising that i leave based on that 1 thing, its not accurate. im not gonna be magically happy because i found someone that wants kids, i want him. then ill just have an empty feeling for him. personally for me, im 'happy' with what i have, im not going to chase after something else to ruin whats already good. the pros and cons just dont line up. the scales are unbalanced.
i can get a babysitting job, replace it with pets....its not the same....im on day 3 of trying to take my medication more reliably. it helps quiet my thoughts. im hopeful once it adds up more that my brain will just shut up completely and ill be "normal", its probably a stupid thought though... im just tired of dealing with everything, i dont care anymore...

 

[stillunemployed]

i can get a babysitting job, replace it with pets....its not the same....im on day 3 of trying to take my medication more reliably. it helps quiet my thoughts. im hopeful once it adds up more that my brain will just shut up completely and ill be "normal", its probably a stupid thought though... im just tired of dealing with everything, i dont care anymore...

I just get ghosted on applications, it sucks.

I stopped taking meds years ago, since it just made everything needlessly complicated and sometimes worse. I don't get why something like Wellbutrin is considered good, it only made me very mad.

I've been taking daily hikes for months now, almost every day. It's a sunny day today, but it's a weekend, so there are so many people around giving me looks while I'm just trying to run some. It's so demoralizing. I wish people could just mind their own fucking business.


I randomly watched a Muslim call to prayer on youtube, and it made me cry. I'm not even religious.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I don't get why something like Wellbutrin is considered good, it only made me very mad.

it made you mad. everyones chemical make-up is different. i think people forget that sometimes, "oh well this hurt me, it must be bad", but it might have saved someone elses life. the medication im on is suppose to be an anti anxiety, it doesnt help with that at all although im sure for most others it does.
its also a possibility that a mixture could have helped. sometimes it seems like one isnt helping but if you take another helping the side effects of the first, the positives can shine through. of course i wouldnt blame anyone for not wanting to be on an array of drugs either, i dont.

I've been taking daily hikes for months now, almost every day. It's a sunny day today, but it's a weekend, so there are so many people around giving me looks while I'm just trying to run some. It's so demoralizing. I wish people could just mind their own fucking business.

SAME!!! except the hiking part. i dont even feel comfortable walking to my vehicle. and moving feels awkward. other people/interactions always cause me to dissociate
i find you have to "mind your own bubble" but its sooooo difficult
is there maybe somewhere else less populated you can go? or maybe music? headphones help me a bit (cant enjoy the birds though...)