"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[Adûnâi]

I can't even begin to think about doing anything else other than rediscovering enjoying the small things in life.

I always liked going outside... after being indoors for weeks. Or do people usually mean something else by the "small things"?

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I always liked going outside... after being indoors for weeks. Or do people usually mean something else by the "small things"?

Something like that.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Welcome aboard, @Tokugawa_Yoshinobu! We'll be happy to have you around even if you're sitting on the fence of life and death. And what a decision to make, indeed. I don't think anybody on either side of the forum would fault you for taking your time with something as heavy as ctbing, and I personally agree with you that if there's any wiggle room for doubt, then it's definitely better to leave things open. It's a great thing that you haven't written off the possibility of recovering and living on.

The biggest problem currently is that finding joy in things is very difficult for me. I can't even begin to think about doing anything else other than rediscovering enjoying the small things in life.

I think this is a problem a lot of us are facing in some way or another. I feel like I'm always asking people about hobbies, lol, but do you have any that you may have lost interest in, or any that you have always wanted to try? Hobbies are a great way to start rediscovering our enjoyment in the small things, as they're things that keep us busy and can give us some purpose in these miserable lives.

Other than that, I second what @Adûnâi suggests. Going outside for a walk can be very grounding, especially if it's done with intention. It sounds cheesy and is annoying to put into practice but it's true. The walks don't have to be long; even five minutes of just putting one foot ahead of the other and listening to the way your feet hit ground can really make you begin to realize the little things we take for granted or are otherwise unable to appreciate due to our mental states. Pretty soon you won't just be noticing your own footsteps but you'll also come to enjoy the feeling of a warm breeze against your cheeks, the sounds of that breeze rustling through the leaves of the trees around you and rushing off into the sky. Then you're gonna look up at it and see that it's a little bit more blue than you remembered, and just like that, you'll have found a way to appreciate the "little things." Maybe it's worth a try!

It's something I usually do in mornings, and now I've also been sleeping too long on the weekends.

Sorry to get back to you so late, Shrike. I wanted to say that I completely get having less time for the things we once enjoyed, but I hope that once you get used to the schedule change, you will find the time and strength to do the things you enjoy doing again. I would even encourage you to do so when you are able, as it sounds like you have a demanding job that leaves you deserving of an outlet!

My search for a "dream job" is over.

I also get this, one hundred percent. I always say that I would never dream of working a job, and if I am, then I'm actually having a nightmare lol. I really hope things will get better for you in this department, as well. For some of us, working a traditional job could never be "a dream." It will always unfortunately be something that we do to survive.

@lita-lassi and @sadwriter as always, I'm proud of you two for how far you've come in only several months and I'm always pumped to hear about good days and positive progress from you both!

Several months ago you two wouldn't have even had been speaking with so much optimism for the future in the face of these uncomfortable situations that you're both facing individually. It's really inspiring to me to see you two making better choices and doing genuinely better. It's difficult, but so is everything else that's worth doing. Keep it up, you two!

I'm sorry to butt in when I'm not apart of the conversation, but I want to be annoying and update

You will always be part of the conversation, and we'll always be here to hear you out. I'm always empathetic to your situation and my DMs are always open if you need a bit of extra support from someone who is going through it too. Congratulations on your week of sobriety, and I'm proud of you for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and trying to walk again. This is all we can ever do when we fall, but I'm always in awe of your strength in particular. Keep fighting, and thank you for the update!

The rest of my life continues in the same groundhog day pattern. Each day brings a set of frustrations and problems, then I go to bed only to have the same thing happen tomorrow.

I'm really sorry to hear that your Groundhog Day is still ongoing. I always feel for you, HF, and I hope that things will turn around for you one day. But I wanna thank you again for being such a pillar of support despite your hard times, that takes strength to do and I'm happy that you're still fighting to stay with us.

On my end I don't really have positive updates, so I'll try to keep it short. It's bittersweet but I'm no longer working, as my mental health isn't allowing me to anymore. Thankfully my partner has stepped up to the plate but my money stress will continue regardless and I don't think I'm ready to get into it all yet. I also won't be able to proofread this post as I had a pretty big relapse last night, and my brain or hands aren't working the best, so I hope I didn't make any typos or say anything inappropriate or annoying to read. I feel really shitty but my perspective will change tomorrow. I hope!

It's the weekend, so I hope you guys will get some rest if you can. God knows we all deserve it.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

@UsagiDrop

I dropped several hobbies like to read and write or going outside and swimming when it gets sunnier and go outside swimming in a lake. I had a time of swimming in indoor public pools a while back with my mother who did this to exercise her body in older age and due to being overweight. We stopped because it was too demanding for her but I'll pick that hobby up again in the future.

To be honest I had enough of my routine of doing things and get too narrow minded. Writing off new things as they come and I endulged in my drinking habit too much. But I've begone to write again. I just write fanfictions nothing big but it does bring me joy. Maybe get change the sleeping schedule.

The sadness and tiredness has become less extreme and I'm feeling somewhat better. Just see how it changed.

It may seem like nothing big but just chatting but these things helps out to at least get it off my chest.

 

[UsagiDrop]

It sounds like you have some great hobbies, @Tokugawa_Yoshinobu, we even have some in common! And although it's sad that you've had to drop them over time. The bright side is that there's still a chance for you to pick them up again over time, moving forward.

I'll pick that hobby up again in the future.

And I'm happy to hear that you're already planning to! Even happier that you're picking up some of those hobbies again, too. You deserve to find joy in things, even if that feeling is just a temporary thing that is serving take you from one point to another.

I just write fanfictions nothing big but it does bring me joy.

Hey, I'm a writer myself and I know fanfic authors get a lot of unnecessary flack in the community, but nothing that brings you joy is small. If your stories and the things you create bring you joy, then they're important. I'm glad that you're enjoying something these days. I do relate to indulging in the drinking habit, even now I'm trying to resist the urge to drink my third beer of the day when I'm not even supposed to be having one lol. I'm sorry that you're going through a similar struggle.

Honestly, I think it's interesting how many people who have posted in this thread throughout the months enjoy writing as a hobby. Are we especially tortured souls? Haha, I really hope not!

It's good that talking has helped you even a little today. I know that it has often brought me great relief to vent and type my feelings out in here, or even just type out a random thought. I hope you'll feel free to do the same whenever you would like to!

 

[HighFlight]

Twice in one day... It's been a while since I've been able to do that. Every post in this thread is important, and my apologies for not being able to respond to each one. Fortunately, you have the support of each other - the goal of this thread.

While it looks people have replied to most of the posts, there were a few things that jumped out as I tried to get caught up today...

for some reason i found typing to "strangers" was easier

I don't know why, but this holds true for me as well. So many things I just can't talk about irl, even though I know I should. But I've been able to find people here that I can open up to.

ive been having some more positive days recently, not completely carefree and i still cry all the time but im at least able to feel good and laugh and not feel so weighed down by constant despair

There are very few (if any) people who are completely carefree. And I'm not sure I'd want to live in a world that didn't have the full spectrum of feelings - I believe that gives us our humanity. But recovery is about creating and realizing more positive days, and putting the negative days into perspective. The fact that you can feel good and laugh despite all you're going through is a sign you're on a solid recovery path, and a beacon of hope for all of us.

the world is no longer ending and I'm gonna be OK!

I think this should become the thread motto, right next to "Be Kind to Yourself."

I don't think anybody on either side of the forum would fault you for taking your time with something as heavy as ctbing, and I personally agree with you that if there's any wiggle room for doubt, then it's definitely better to leave things open.

@Tokugawa_Yoshinobu -
Despite the name, this site is pro-choice. You should not feel pressure from anyone here to take any particular path - especially one that leads to ctb. Please, take as much time as you need to decide.

And I agree - if you are unsure or have any doubts, it's better to wait. I told @sadwriter once that he could always ctb tomorrow. You can always make the decision later. One of the saddest things I've seen on this site are the really young people who rush to ctb, and their goodbye threads are filled with doubt.

Several months ago you two wouldn't have even had been speaking with so much optimism for the future in the face of these uncomfortable situations that you're both facing individually. It's really inspiring to me to see you two making better choices and doing genuinely better. It's difficult, but so is everything else that's worth doing. Keep it up, you two!

@lita-lassi and @sadwriter, I couldn't agree more. You both are an inspiration to the entire group.

Honestly, I think it's interesting how many people who have posted in this thread throughout the months enjoy writing as a hobby.

It is interesting... so many writers... and I can't even keep a journal. jk

I think hobbies can be one good way to help reach that emotional balance. I used to have some good hobbies, including aerobic flight, soaring, home renovation, technology, mentoring, and wood working. Unfortunately, most of these are on hold, as it seems that there seems to be less time.

Question for everyone: What are your hobbies?

Walking / getting outside is another good activity. In the warmer months, I tried to walk 4-5 miles, several days a week. Something I look forward to as the weather improves.

Please give yourself some grace, and try to enjoy the rest of the weekend.

 

[UsagiDrop]

and I can't even keep a journal.

Don't feel so bad! As a writer, I can't keep a journal either. That was one of my goals for the year, but I don't think I've written a single page.

Walking / getting outside is another good activity. In the warmer months, I tried to walk 4-5 miles, several days a week. Something I look forward to as the weather improves.

I hope that you'll be able to do that when it gets warmer! I wanted to start going on little walks, too. I even wanted to start exercising again. Last Sunday, when I left work on the verge of a breakdown, I wasn't picked up until nearly an hour after I got off… So I ended up walking around in circles around the neighborhood I work in. I just checked the pedometer on my phone, and in that hour I walked roughly almost four thousand steps, which is apparently about two miles (according to Google)! I was definitely a little winded afterwards but it was a good way to clear my mind, I really should do it more often.

This morning I was up early with a lot on my mind, so I took a quick walk when the sun came out. It felt pretty nice being outside in the morning air, even though it was a bit cold for me, so I'll definitely try to make these a weekly thing. Hopefully I can gradually make myself walk further! I didn't get much sleep last night though so that little bit of physical activity is making me feel tired right now, lol, maybe I'm due to be put down for a nap soon.

I hope that you guys have a great week next week! Sunday is the perfect day to reflect and reset. It would be nice to hear about your hobbies, but I want to add onto HF's question and also ask everyone comfortable with sharing what hobbies they've always wanted to try, if there are any?

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

@UsagiDrop

I woke up around 3 pm and now it's 7 pm where I live. The day wasn't much of anything but I played some games and drank tea. My head feels less headache-y and I'm more calm. I spend my time on Youtube and watched animal videos about cute puppies.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I woke up around 3 pm

Hahaha, this is so relatable. Usually I wake up after 1pm myself. Not my healthiest habit, but I just like to sleep.

The day wasn't much of anything but I played some games and drank tea. My head feels less headache-y and I'm more calm. I spend my time on Youtube and watched animal videos about cute puppies.

I'm happy to hear that you've had a decent Sunday! It sounds like you took the time to unwind, and I think that you deserve that. Tea and gaming is kind of like my ideal way to spend a day— and cute baby animal videos are always the icing on the cake. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of games do you play? And also, do you have any tea recommendations? I'm definitely a green, peach, raspberry, mint and ginger tea kind of girl, but I always want to try new flavors, and yet I can rarely commit to buying a pack just to sample.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

@UsagiDrop

I played The Binding of Isaac and drank just some regular assam! But I like mint and green the most.

But hey how was your day?

 

[UsagiDrop]

I played The Binding of Isaac and drank just some regular assam!

I haven't heard of that game in a while! I think I played it once, as I remember my best friend was into that game, but it wasn't my thing. It was more fun to watch, haha. Even though I'm not usually good at the roguelike games, surprisingly, I find myself really enjoying Cult of the Lamb. I guess because it's on the softer side of things. Do you usually enjoy video games like that?

I'll also see if I can find some Assam tea and give it a try!

And my day is going fine so far, thank you for asking! I had a questionable morning, cried the second I got a chance alone, but then I dragged myself out of bed. I tended to one of my plants, apologized to the two that are being neglected right now lol and went for a short walk. Started to drink early today, unfortunately, so I'm out of beer. But I can get some more in just a bit, because I have to go to the grocery store with my partner, who left the house grumpy as hell, and I'm not looking forward to that experience. I'm actually anxious about it… I hope my day won't take a nosedive when he gets home, but if it does, I could always take a nap.

 

[Adûnâi]

With the danger of being out of place, could you describe what this thread is for exactly? How much recovery and from how deep an end is it supposed to be?

Because I'm lonely, under house arrest, incel, without work, never talked to anyone but my mom in my life... But I'm not exactly suicidal, and I was never pressured or abused. Although with time, I've grown more bored of my monkish hikki existence (I'm 27), and the only hope I can see for me is ASI (artificial superintelligence).

It's kind of a flimsy futuristic cope, but it's a few years into the future, and I might live until that time.

Although right now the girl that randomly talked to me in May-July 2023 has apparently died, and I'm kind of uncharacteristically melancholic. Not even lazy and resigned, but actually bummed out.

[[Pls delete if this is the wrong section]]

 

[lita-lassi]

im in a very shitty rut of feeling like an extra hard sadsack. i don't want to get out of bed, my family is growing tired of me, im tired of me. i don't want to get into details but i havent felt this shitty in a long time and all i want to do is relapse. i can't seem to stop either crying or staring straight into the abyss and nothing is working to distract me anymore. i don't know what to do.

this may just be a hard downswing, im not going to relapse, but managing symptoms rn is really difficult

@Adûnâi recovery here is whatever reasonable attainable goals one may have and their journey to reach them being somewhat documented to whatever extent they are comfortable with/wish. not everyone here is outright suicidal, some are, theres no stipulation for posting really. broadly the thread title sums it up but it's not like we can/will punish anyone for sliding backwards on their emotions/goals/ posting/whatever. as recently stated recovery and feeling better aren't linear

 

[UsagiDrop]

[[Pls delete if this is the wrong section]]

You're not in the wrong place to ask a question at all!

With the danger of being out of place, could you describe what this thread is for exactly? How much recovery and from how deep an end is it supposed to be?

This thread is just a support group for those who want to recover, for those of us who are on the fence about our big decision, and those of us who want to find ways to improve things. The purpose is to find connection with and support in others, not to lock you or pressure you onto a path of recovery. It's actually not mandatory for you to make a commitment to it, most of us here have though. I myself am a little on the fence about whether or not I want to or can live. But I have to, and I don't want to be miserable while I have to, so I like to hang out in here!

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. If I may ask, why are you under house arrest? That really sounds like a difficult situation to be in. But otherwise, since you're growing tired of life as you know it, do you think that there is anything you can do to maybe improve the way that things are?

Although right now the girl that randomly talked to me in May-July 2023 has apparently died, and I'm kind of uncharacteristically melancholic. Not even lazy and resigned, but actually bummed out.

Ahh, I'm also really sorry to hear about this. Please accept my condolences, it's understandable to be bummed out about it, especially when that was one of the only people who talked to you.

@lita-lassi bad times are bad times, but hopefully they won't last forever. So proud of you for not wanting a relapse. Try your hardest, and in the meantime, we're here for you! Are you going to have to stay with your family much longer? They might be tired but they still probably want what's best for you, or so I hope, so try not to think too much about that if you can.

 

[Adûnâi]

If I may ask, why are you under house arrest? That really sounds like a difficult situation to be in. But otherwise, since you're growing tired of life as you know it, do you think that there is anything you can do to maybe improve the way that things are?

It's a metaphor to better understand my situation. I cannot go outside due to the agony of the state I inhabit. Another metaphor - I could be considered mute because I never talked to anyone in my life (aside from my mom).

What could I do? Just wait & cope, I guess. And currently submit the assignments to my online classes because my mom is obsessed with them.

Still, even if the war ends, why would I go outside? For what?

 

[lita-lassi]

touching grass is a good thing

 

[UsagiDrop]

It's a metaphor to better understand my situation.

I'm sorry for taking it so literally! Please correct me if I'm wrong, but from seeing you around the forum, I think I remember reading that you're living in Ukraine? Your tagline says Russian, though, so I could be misremembering or putting the wrong icon to the wrong post. And you're definitely not obligated to share, in the first place. Either way, things do sound pretty complicated and I can understand being unable to or not wanting to go outside. I agree that there's sadly probably not much you can do about things right now.

Still, even if the war ends, why would I go outside? For what?

You've never wanted to do anything outside before? I'm not asking that to try to convince you to do it, just out of curiosity, since you said that you were growing a bit bored of how things are! What kinds of things do you do to keep yourself busy inside, aside from school?

 

[Adûnâi]

You've never wanted to do anything outside before? I'm not asking that to try to convince you to do it, just out of curiosity, since you said that you were growing a bit bored of how things are! What kinds of things do you do to keep yourself busy inside, aside from school?

Honestly, I just don't know what people usually do in their lives. I'm simply clueless.

I'm Ukrainian, and I can't even speak proper Russian - but I still consider myself Russian because I disregard all post-1917 historiography as politicised newspeak. Just look at any ethnograpic map of Europe before the Bolsheviks - it's Kleine Russen. (But I digress, pls don't ban me for politics, just call it a sexual identity "smol Russian uwu").

Datei:Ethnic map europe 1923.jpg – Wikipedia

de.wikipedia.org

I've had an online session with a therapist my mom has found me. He's cute, went for 2 hours instead of 1.5 hours, and only for 10 EUR. He suggested me three ways to contact people IRL:
1) Mormons;
2) uni clubs (he gave the names);
3) caritas/AIESEC (satanic Soros charities).

Point (1) was actually my idea, I used to entertain joining Jehovah's Witnesses back in the fall.

Point (3) - I did give AIESEC my e-mail in Feb 2023 (even before meeting the girl), but they never replied back - probably because they use phones, not e-mails.

Either way, I doubt that can be of use considering I'm wary of going outside due to Ukrainian conscription.

On the other hand, realistically, if I did try going, I would probably get some results - after all, I seem to have zero anxiety at all. It's just that I never had any opportunity to socialise since I was 17.

(I used to be in Poland in 2014, but the uni was large, and I had no idea how to approach people - and I hated that they were all talking Ukrainian instead of English. Now I'd at least try to be more bullish?)

(And then in 2018-22 I was the only student in my class in the Ukrainian uni, so I had nobody to communicate with. And the time flew fast anyway. Whereas now I'm growing old.)

That said... Nothing is going to change. And it's not like I'm sure I'd even like socialisation with unvetted normies. I'd like headpats, but it's way too deep in the talent tree.

I've been watching femboys lately. Maybe I should respec into gay? Femboys aren't that gay to begin with... And back in November I didn't really give them a chance.

In the end, the therapist wasn't too bad, but:
1) I doubt my case is psychological in nature - it's autism + circumstances;
2) he's hopelessly innocent, doesn't know what incels are... OR femboys. Yes (Doch), the Ukraine is not sufficiently Western yet, for good or for ill.

 

[lita-lassi]

i somewhat feel better this evening. took a long walk around the park to stretch my legs, got some nice sunset photos, several things calmed down with my friend so that immediately has me doing much better mentally. there was a spat and since my life is incredibly insular where im at, even the small things feel world collapsing. but, im still here. and its not the end of the world. i ate healthy, im talking to my therapist tomorrow, plan on doing a bunch of yoga/stretching tonight to help my achy breaky sciatic nerves lol

now if only i could work up the nerve/abilty to actually concentrate on studying as much as i need to

have a healthy day all

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

@UsagiDrop

Yes, I like rogue-like games and tend to enjoy such games but have not checked out Cult of Lamb just yet.

My head hurts as I drank too much again... I need to recover.

 

[Cloud Busting]

@sadwriter- I'm glad you're feeling better and moving on to greener and grander pastures. It's lovely to hear you benefited from this forum!

@HighFlight Thank you! I do have a ton of support, for which I am grateful and lucky.

I'm sorry your son is struggling so much. It must be a very stressful situation for both of you.

Always interesting to hear about your ketamine treatments. I've heard the effects tend to be short lasting. Have you found it worthwhile despite that?

I had more to say, but I want to publish this so sad writer will read it as I saw he reacted to one of my posts. I've been busy at work but hopefully will have time to respond to everyone soon.

 

[sadwriter]

@Cloud Busting Thank you! :) Yes, I am still here lurking right now haha! I appreciate you thinking of me. I'm also sorry you've been having such a rough time lately with the drug relapse. But you're right that recovery isn't linear, and you totally can get all the healthy things in your life back!! I believe in you. Hell, your CTB attempt was only a few months ago if I remember correctly, and the period after something like that is never smooth sailing.

And @ everyone else, I wish you well! I might end up just lurking and sending you all the weird creepy hug reaction in response to your posts for the foreseeable future, lol

 

[UsagiDrop]

Sorry to take some time to get back to you, @Adûnâi, I wanted to take some time to think.

Honestly, I just don't know what people usually do in their lives. I'm simply clueless.

Either way, I doubt that can be of use considering I'm wary of going outside due to Ukrainian conscription.

I can't blame you on either of these reasons, I think I would be wary too. Definitely in respect to the political things, and please forgive me for not really being able to comment much on that part.

That said... Nothing is going to change. And it's not like I'm sure I'd even like socialisation with unvetted normies.

I think it's interesting you said this, though, and I suppose that's why your therapist suggested those specific groups so that you would have things in common with them, which is always a good direction to head in. If I'm understanding things correctly, you have a conundrum in not wanting to go outside and live the usual life, while growing tired of life on the inside. Please correct me if I'm wrong!

The usual life for many people is just a cycle of going to work and coming home. It's mundane, repeated cycles that are punctuated by major events to disrupt the monotony like deaths, sickness, outings, etc. and for a lot of people that isn't very appealing. But these are all things that you don't really know about, or you're unsure about, so maybe they're things worth eventually trying if you don't want to die? How can you be sure that nothing will change? Despite how unsure you are about things, it kind of seems to me like interaction with others is something that you desired. I'm only going off the thing you said about ASI being your "only hope" and you're bummed out that someone who did talk to you passed away, so please correct me if I'm wrong on that front, too.

Maybe I should respec into gay?

Oh, how I wish this were possible. For me, not necessarily for you, since I read this part of the post with heavy sarcasm coming from you, haha.

sending you all the weird creepy hug reaction in response to your posts for the foreseeable future, lol

The way I laughed and cried when I read this after giving everyone a hug react today, hahaha. I think the hug icon is so cute, if it has one fan then I'm the fan!

 

[Adûnâi]

I'm only going off the thing you said about ASI being your "only hope" and you're bummed out that someone who did talk to you passed away, so please correct me if I'm wrong on that front, too.

...An update - I've cleaned my room and made a cringe pseudo-Shinto origami altar to her, and now I feel 10 years older. And I doubt any of those things I've written about myself apply any longer.

Part of it was the effect of the shaman's (=therapist's) yesterday's inquiry as to whether I truly desire socialition - and I have always been unsure.

But another facet is that I've long been calling myself both a monk and a pagan... So should live up to the name. Strive for excellence, show restraint, pick up what falls to you.

I can almost feel like travelling to a reality where AGI never arrives.
____________________________________________________________________

that's why your therapist suggested those specific groups so that you would have things in common with them

[My previous self:] I don't have anything in common even here. Everywhere I go I have to mind my tongue. Concrete examples - incels talk about faces, whereas I'm a mentalcel. Racists support Christianity, I'm closer to the Spanish Communists. And... as you might have noticed, those cases are 1) intellectual; 2) highly divisive, so would be utterly useless IRL anyway, haha.

[Again, this is a response basing on how I had felt before today. Yes, I'm talking out of character, like a broken AI (broken in a good way (xd)).]

 

[sadwriter]

The way I laughed and cried when I read this after giving everyone a hug react today, hahaha. I think the hug icon is so cute, if it has one fan then I'm the fan!

To be honest, I like the hug reaction as well– I've just heard so many people bash it that I figured I'd play into its infamy by making that joke

 

[kawaiiphantom]

I was wondering if it's okay to join this thread if I still feel suicidal? It just seems like there's some really cool and kind people here and It's such a welcoming space :]

 

[Adûnâi]

To be honest, I like the hug reaction as well– I've just heard so many people bash it that I figured I'd play into its infamy by making that joke

I use the heart emoji because... red is the colour of socialism! (To be fair, it could be cooler to have different coloured emojis, like purple.)

if I still feel suicidal?

To be fair, even in the best-case scenario, suicide can be on the mind, purely because we're mortal. So unless one genuinely believes in earthly immortality, self-death should be an option on the table. It's just people outside this space actively suppress the thought. But before oneself, there's no point.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I was wondering if it's okay to join this thread if I still feel suicidal? It just seems like there's some really cool and kind people here and It's such a welcoming space :]

Of course! The only prerequisite to joining in on this thread is the desire to feel better, I think. While most of us here have committed to recovery, none of us are here to force you onto that path. All of us are probably still suicidal, we just want to make the most of our time/get better and be surrounded by positive and supportive people!

You are welcome to join in on the conversation at any time.

Also, @Tokugawa_Yoshinobu, how are you feeling today? I hope that you're doing alright, or better than yesterday!

Update on my end: I'm trying to commit myself to cleaning up today lol. Story of my life— if I weren't trying to limit my alcohol intake, I would probably make a drinking game out of how many times I mention needing to clean up my depression-hole. I've been feeling a little bummed out lately so I'm trying to take things one room at a time while tending to my plants, today is the kitchen.

It isn't all so bad today, though, since I've noticed that some of my plants are back to pushing out baby leaves and the trees are blooming outside. I guess spring is here?

But another facet is that I've long been calling myself both a monk and a pagan... So should live up to the name. Strive for excellence, show restraint, pick up what falls to you.

Then I guess the next best question to ask yourself is what you really want to do and which life will provide the most benefit to you. Monks live solitary lives more intense than the one that you're living now, but you're growing bored of that. It's always possible to try both; socializing first, and then if that doesn't satisfy you, the spiritual route next? May I ask what draws you to the lifestyle of a monk or pagan, though?

I don't have anything in common even here.

Also, can you elaborate on this? I think I get what you're saying, in that you can't fully relate to even the groups that you identify with, but I mean, is it that way with every group that caters to your interests?

 

[Adûnâi]

Yes, I like rogue-like games and tend to enjoy such games but have not checked out Cult of Lamb just yet.

Have you tried Slay the Spire? I'm watching Grubby's VOD of it right now, it's considered top-tier.

is it that way with every group that caters to your interests?

Maybe I'm just confrontational at heart? Or try to nitpick, having high standards? There seems to be a blind spot in everyone I read.

May I ask what draws you to the lifestyle of a monk or pagan, though?

By that I mean just being content with my hikkikomori style, I don't mean actual monastic orders, haha. I already knew that my strivings to handholding / headpats / sex (choose the more offensive option) were cringe, as it's clearly not "in the cards". And it's not like I wished for social interactions at all. So my whining over the past half a year was somewhat fake to my nature?

After all, it's all in my head. I can perceive it any way I'd like to. Just today, I have spent 6 hours on my school assignment. I took my time because I was barely conscious, but I enjoyed showing that I can just do it - not because I'm afraid, or hateful, or loving, but out of the spirit of Bhagavad-Gita's passionless action. Doing my duty and all that. (Sadly, my duty doesn't encompass stealing Kiev régime's money via the scholarship they used to pay me anymore.)

I've been feeling a little bummed out lately so I'm trying to take things one room at a time while tending to my plants, today is the kitchen.

We're both possessed by the spirit of J. Peterson the Room Cleaner. (I apparently have no issue cleaning my room, but only if there is a point - and the only point is apparently doing magic rituals. It's not like I have hot stacies visiting me (oh no, again the incel lingo - but a proper incel blackpill would be - "stacies would call my dirty room quirky and mysterious if I were a chad").)

P.S. Today a Twitch streamer watcher has mentioned her name for the first time in passing (just in jest). Oh no, magic. I mean, I could tell someone in a month if she never comes back? Although even my autistic self is sure it could be highly impolite, to put it mildly.

 

[lita-lassi]

I was wondering if it's okay to join this thread if I still feel suicidal? It just seems like there's some really cool and kind people here and It's such a welcoming space :]

more than okay i was absolutely ready to wreck myself when i came across this thread. i find a lot of the suicide discussion threads to be doomer-dense and its less actual discussion and more just circle jerking traumas and personal opinions against medical facts. which... ok, fine that space can coexist with this one, not knocking free speech i just worked in psych and medical for a long time but this one actually helps me gain some grounding on myself and take accountability for my daily routines even if i space out on posting for a long time

The way I laughed and cried when I read this after giving everyone a hug react today, hahaha. I think the hug icon is so cute, if it has one fan then I'm the fan!

^this^ fuckin lol

@Cloud Busting glad to hear from you friend