"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[sadwriter]

I've never heard of this, but I'm going to add it to my list of movies to check out. I think I have two or three from this thread so far, heh. I think it's really cool that you can talk about that with your therapist, especially because it's relevant to your life.

It's definitely not an easy film and has a lot of weird stuff going on– there's a lot of sex and nudity and some dark themes– but it's also really well done and had a pretty fun, whimsical vibe considering all that. I would definitely recommend it if you're up for a weird & artsy film, lol. It's still in theaters where I am, so you'll probably have to wait a bit to see it on streaming services or else go to see it in person.

Also, I'm glad that you had an alright day! It sounds like a relaxing vibe. Sleeping a ton and eating good food is always nice.

@lita-lassi it sucks that you have so much on your plate, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it all. I've definitely been there as far as distancing from people out of self loathing, unfortunately. I hope that things get easier for you soon <3


On my end, I had another little dip in my mental health this past week, but I consciously made an effort to start climbing out of it today (I think I'm halfway there, but I got really emotionally exhausted and also had to shift gears in the middle of working through stuff). I'm finally able to fully recognize when I get into a dissociative state and have the self awareness/ mental clarity to try and get myself out of it by getting myself to feel my emotions & journal about where I'm at mentally. It's been a full three years of work with my therapist to get me to this place, and I'm really glad that I'm far enough into my recovery to be able to do this for myself, even if I still feel like shit a lot of the time and have a ton more work to do. For years I used to not even notice how gone I'd get because I was so used to just shoving my emotions down and going into autopilot mode to be productive– I even joked with my therapist on Tuesday about how whenever I feel something, my response to it is "welp, no time for this! What's on my to do list?" lol. This time around I spent a couple of days avoiding myself by first spending a full day organizing my bookshelf, then spending half a day deep cleaning my apartment for the first time in maybe six months. I'm definitely not complaining about the fact that these are my current maladaptive emotional coping mechanisms, though, since I got a lot done, haha.

I also just got off the phone with an old friend of mine, and it was really nice to catch up. I was able to be honest with her about where I'm at and why I dropped out of school for now without having to worry about her judging or pitying me, which felt way better than I realized it would.

Happy weekend to everyone!~

 

[sadwriter]

Hey guys! I hope everyone's surviving the week!

I just got out of my first smaller group meeting of my Zoom support group after procrastinating on going for the past month pretty much (they have some subgroups for specific groups of people/ kinds of trauma). I'm definitely glad that I went and I think it'll be good for me and I intend to go back next week. I ended up mentioning my CTB attempt when I was sharing my feeling of the day (I said I was overwhelmed and I figured the context of having attempted and staying with my parents for months would help paint a picture of why I'm currently overwhelmed by doing basic human things), and while I don't regret sharing it– and two people in the group responded in a way that felt really nice– I ended up completely dissociating since I now realize I've never talked about it out loud before. I made the mistake of not stepping aside & grounding myself, so I ended up just feeling super dissociative and increasingly shitty & anxious for the whole meeting, which was not fun and is now making me anxious about the group itself by association even though I know I was triggered by the thing I said, not anything that happened in the group. Honestly, typing that out was really helpful, though, and I'm feeling a little less anxious already lol.

I don't love that being stuck in that dissociative frozen state & not being able to say much made me feel like I was coming across as overly shy (not that there's anything wrong with being shy, but it didn't feel like I was coming across as my usual self) but I'll make sure to do some extra grounding before the next meeting and maybe not share anything that'll trigger me that hard for now until I'm more used to the group. I hate how shy and unsure I can come across when I'm in a new group– usually when everyone else is older than me, which is the case with this group– but hopefully I can get over my anxieties enough to be myself.

Other than that, I'm hanging in there as usual. I did manage to get out of that dip in my mental health, though I've still been feeling a little weird since. I was also a little bit rattled today, largely because I had to go back to the part of the city where my school/ other places that remind me of my past are, and also met up with someone who I'd met last semester before dropping out, both of which took a lot of energy out of me. At the very least, I had MUCH less of a strong response than I probably would have in the past. A lot of the time going somewhere that reminds me of an earlier point in my life can make me completely dissociate and feel like absolute shit and want to stay in bed the rest of the day.

Best wishes to everyone as always. @lita-lassi @LoiteringClouds @ColorlessTrees @ijustwishtodie @Cloud Busting I'm thinking of you guys and I hope you're well! <3 And same to you of course, HighFlight and UsagiDrop!!

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Best wishes to everyone as always. @lita-lassi @LoiteringClouds @ColorlessTrees @ijustwishtodie @Cloud Busting I'm thinking of you guys and I hope you're well! <3 And same to you of course, HighFlight and UsagiDrop!!

Thank you, and recently I'm really struggling. I'm sorry for not replying to your messages.
My mood went into tailspin, crashed into the ground and I was basically shattered again. Now my thoughts are all over the place and I can't collect myself.

I started to retreat into SaSu and my fantasy world. I think I can avoid killing myself until time kills me, so I'm trying to weather this emotional perfect storm. "It's this storm, not you, that's bound to blow away."

The whole point of my life seems to be interacting with my IRL friend and people on SaSu (besides my imaginary friends.) In my case, it's okay because I'm at least alive now. I can't say it's okay when I'm dead!

 

[sadwriter]

@LoiteringClouds I'm really sorry that you've been in a bad place again lately. Good on you for being able to stay grounded enough to recognize that the way you're feeling is temporary in this case, though. Keeping yourself alive is definitely no small feat, and it is okay if your only point in being here right now is talking to the people in your life (both IRL and virtual)! I hope that this emotional storm blows away sooner rather than later.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm proud of you guys, @LoiteringClouds and @sadwriter! Thank you both for sharing your stumbles. It's a hard path to walk and sometimes we fall along the way, but we can always get back up.

I'll make sure to do some extra grounding before the next meeting and maybe not share anything that'll trigger me that hard for now until I'm more used to the group.

Despite the slight rough start, I'm happy that you're willing to go to the meetings again. I hope next week will go better for you, although I'm sure that the meetings will get better as you go along. Consistency is key, in this case, I think! It's a good sign that there are some peers in your meetings who seem to understand you.

It's been a full three years of work with my therapist to get me to this place, and I'm really glad that I'm far enough into my recovery to be able to do this for myself, even if I still feel like shit a lot of the time and have a ton more work to do.

I think this should be something of a reminder to everyone; three years seems like such a long time, but progress can be worth it no matter how long it takes! You're doing a great job. And tbh, there's always gonna be a ton of work for us to do on ourselves as long as we're alive.

The whole point of my life seems to be interacting with my IRL friend and people on SaSu (besides my imaginary friends.) In my case, it's okay because I'm at least alive now. I can't say it's okay when I'm dead!

I really admire your positive attitude, even when it must be really hard to maintain one. I'm happy that you're alive and that you can say you're okay for that reason. Thank you for finding a point to your life. Any little one counts around here, after all! You're doing a great job withstanding the storm. I've been through a few hurricanes in my life. They always pass, and strangely enough, even as you're looking at all of the disaster that the storm left behind, feeling thankful that you were strong or protected enough to stay alive, once you're past it all, the weather is oddly the most peaceful it will ever be. Hang in there.

Not much updates on my end. I got a new and lovely plant, but I'm still stressed about the usual things, and I have a lot on my mind, all the time. I feel like I am on the brink of a breakthrough though, and I hope that things will work out for the better soon. My mind has been really dark sometimes, and all over the place in general, but I haven't been hurting myself or sabotaging myself too much, at least…

Today, I'm nineteen days sober of hard drugs! I'm still drinking, but no more than two drinks a day. I was in a social situation and drank more than I should have recently, but I took a short break afterwards. This stuff still bothers me. I hope I can get a hold on it soon.

Hoping the best for everyone, whether they have posted in this thread recently, or not at all (I especially hope that any lurkers are doing alright; this is a tough time of year and I wish the best for everyone). @HighFlight, you're in my thoughts, I hope you've been doing alright!

 

[lita-lassi]

positive check in list to try to cancel out some of the negatives: trying to be weed sober is hard, resisting alcohol is hard, but i did it for several days so far! :) need to kickstart my head back into gear to handle my lawyer. my fwb in town here has been an amazing emotional rock despite dealing with a mountain of his own issues and got me out of the house all afternoon; it was real effective at pulling me out of my head. ive been working on some art stuff for the first time in months and getting lost in abstract line design and tattoo ideas with actual art equipment again has been really rewarding and helpful. my head goes nice and quiet a lot easier when im focused on drawing.

short one today, just felt like reiterating some good things instead of the bad. love you guys and hope everyone has a better day

special shout out to @UsagiDrop for being off the hard stuff for 19 days fuckin proud of you

@sadwriter ty for the kind words and im glad you went to your group :) new groups and opening up are terrifying always, you show a lot of self awareness with how your talk about processing everything and i highly believe you can do a lot of good with yourself in the environment. keep it up!

@LoiteringClouds sending love and hope you feel better soon

 

[UsagiDrop]

special shout out to @UsagiDrop for being off the hard stuff for 19 days fuckin proud of you

Thank you for being proud of me! It's not your fault but this hurts, because I used again today and I'm high right now. I'm not proud of myself at all but I've been really stressed lately and I haven't been leaning on healthier habits due to the things that are going on around me right now. Not going to beat myself up, I'm just going to restart my clock and try to figure something else out tomorrow.

I'm really happy that things are going in a positive direction for you, and I hope that continues. Congratulations on your sober streak! I'm so proud of you as well, not only in this situation but for being strong enough to deal with the challenges life has thrown at you. I hope that you can see how far you've come. When we're at our rock bottoms, there's no other place to go but up.

 

[HighFlight]

Hello everyone, although I've become more of a lurker lately, my thoughts and prayers remain with each of you. Reading all the posts - the updates, the progress made, the setbacks and the rebounds, and of course, the positive support - gives me hope for the future. It seems like we are trying to kinder and gentler to ourselves. While we all will slip at times, being able to recognize it, accept it, and correct it accordingly is what recovery is about.

I think I can avoid killing myself until time kills me, so I'm trying to weather this emotional perfect storm. "It's this storm, not you, that's bound to blow away."

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time, but thank you recognizing that its not you. And your emotional perfect storm is bound to blow away. Hopefully that has happened and you're beginning to feel better.

For me, the storm has become much worse since around Christmas. The internal battle in my mind has raged daily - jumping between no focus to hyperfocus. And decades of disassociative behavior has made any progress feel like a setback.

I hate how shy and unsure I can come across when I'm in a new group– usually when everyone else is older than me, which is the case with this group– but hopefully I can get over my anxieties enough to be myself.

I can totally relate to this, although I'm usually one of the oldest. I meet with new people and groups fairly routinely and it's becoming more difficult as the anxiety feels like its getting worse. It's possible that it only feels that way because I'm more aware of it. Maybe we can call that progress, but it doesn't really feel that way.

positive check in list to try to cancel out some of the negatives: trying to be weed sober is hard, resisting alcohol is hard, but i did it for several days so far!

Positive updates are always welcome! Congrats on your hiatus from weed and alcohol. I know stopping any addiction is tough, so any progress is worth celebrating.

ive been working on some art stuff for the first time in months and getting lost in abstract line design and tattoo ideas

if you told us before that you are an artist, my apologies as it's one more level of detailed lost to the storm raging in my head. But if you ever feel comfortable, I'd love to see some of your work.

Today, I'm nineteen days sober of hard drugs!

Let's celebrate your 20 days sober! It's not easy to do and you should enjoy the feeling of knowing you have made it this far. You're now armed with the knowledge that it is possible.

I used again today and I'm high right now.

And when you stumble, remember you can do it. Next time, aim to set a new record and celebrate that win when you achieve it.

Not going to beat myself up, I'm just going to restart my clock and try to figure something else out tomorrow.

Apparently, you don't need me to give any advice - you're already on top of it. Good for you! #BeKindToYourself.

Well, there's not much of an update from my side. I'm buried at work for at least another month, and my wife has decided I need to go to a personal trainer at the gym a couple times a week. (Just what my anxiety needs, working out in a crowded gym...) I'm going to try one more ketamine trip in a couple weeks. After telling the presribing doctor that I felt much more positive for a few days after the last session, he's thinking about trying micro-dosing ketamine for daily use. We'll see what happens with that.

Last night, one of the "kids" had a major depressive episode. He's still unemployed, and is having relationship issues among other problems. He sat on the kitchen floor for a couple hours just crying. It is so difficult to watch and know there is nothing I can do, except just be there for him. He wasn't much better today.

I wish you all the best and hope everyone continues to beat their demons, one day at a time.

 

[sadwriter]

I feel like I am on the brink of a breakthrough though, and I hope that things will work out for the better soon. My mind has been really dark sometimes, and all over the place in general, but I haven't been hurting myself or sabotaging myself too much, at least…

It's really great that you're making that progress– less self sabotage is always a good thing!

Today, I'm nineteen days sober of hard drugs! I'm still drinking, but no more than two drinks a day. I was in a social situation and drank more than I should have recently, but I took a short break afterwards. This stuff still bothers me. I hope I can get a hold on it soon.

Let's gooo!! That's awesome! Even if you broke the streak after posting this. Progress is progress, and to quote you earlier in your own post...

It's a hard path to walk and sometimes we fall along the way, but we can always get back up.

positive check in list to try to cancel out some of the negatives: trying to be weed sober is hard, resisting alcohol is hard, but i did it for several days so far! :) need to kickstart my head back into gear to handle my lawyer. my fwb in town here has been an amazing emotional rock despite dealing with a mountain of his own issues and got me out of the house all afternoon; it was real effective at pulling me out of my head. ive been working on some art stuff for the first time in months and getting lost in abstract line design and tattoo ideas with actual art equipment again has been really rewarding and helpful. my head goes nice and quiet a lot easier when im focused on drawing.

short one today, just felt like reiterating some good things instead of the bad. love you guys and hope everyone has a better day

Hell yeah, love the positive check in! Good on you for staying sober, and it's awesome that your fwb is a such good source of emotional support. I also know how great it feels to get back into making art (of all kinds) after you haven't been able to for a while. I'm hoping to get back in to writing and my other artistic hobbies in the near future, since I know how much they used to cleanse my soul.

I actually just did some drawing myself for the first time in years the night before last, and I'd forgotten how much time flies when you're in that flow state. I used to draw a ton when I was ages 9-17 and it felt pretty important to me, but I ended up losing that when I got to college since I only had so much time for my non-academic/ career related interests, and I already had a bunch of them... But yeah, I'm glad that you're able to do that for yourself again, and that it helps you feel calm/ quiet your head!


@HighFlight I'm really glad to see you back on the thread!! I'm sorry that you've been doing so much worse since Christmas, though. That makes a lot of sense to me, with the chaos and stress of being around so many people. I feel you as far as the difficulties of getting out of being in a dissociative autopilot. Feeling your feelings can be super destabilizing and make it seem like you're backsliding, even if it's the thing you need to do to move forward. (I don't know if that's what you meant by progress feeling like a setback, but that's definitely what I thought of when you mentioned dissociation.)

I also hope that your ketamine adjustments go well & help you to feel better, and that your son gets out of his depressive episode sooner rather than later... A few of the people in my Zoom support group are parents as well, and it sounds incredibly hard to be a parent and care for your children emotionally & otherwise while also battling your own demons– I can't imagine taking care of someone else like that, since I'm just barely able to take care of myself most of the time. Even if there's nothing you can do to make things better for him, being there for him is a big thing, and I'm sure he's grateful that you're able to provide him with that emotional support. I know it means a lot to me when my own dad does that for me.

(Also, what's your wife doing "deciding" that you need to go to the gym? Sounds like a you decision rather than a her decision to me! >:( )


Not too much has been happening on my end. Therapy continues to go well, and I'm continuing to slog through finishing up apartment stuff, which feels super exhausting and endless, but at least I'm making good progress. There's a lot left to do since I didn't have the time to go through and get rid of the stuff I should have before I moved, so I now have these two piles of junk in the corners of my bedroom area that I need to figure out whether to sell or donate or just leave on the street for someone to take, LOL. My place was also pretty dirty when I moved in, but I never bothered to ask the landlord about covering the cost of a cleaner since I was so depressed when I moved, so now I also have to finally deep clean the filth that the previous tenant left. I've been putting it off for months because I was too depressed & dissociative to even process how dirty the place was, let alone clean it, but now that I'm feeling better it's starting to finally bother me. I've done a decent amount already, but there's still plenty left to cover... (This process is also a lot harder than it should be for me since I'm now realizing that I, embarassingly, never fully learned how to clean since I've always been the messy roommate living with hyper clean people who took care of it all before I even noticed things were dirty...)

Now that I'm getting back into the swing of cooking for & feeding myself enough, as well as taking care of myself better emotionally & not just dissociatively avoiding stuff by trying to be productive, I'm also gonna try to start thinking about next steps for myself to work towards actually being an adult person in the world who's fully part of society again, lol. I've been spending a ton of time at home over the past three weeks because I only had the energy to do things in small doses (which is still the case, honestly). I want to work on getting out of the house more, and hopefully get a job again later this month– my savings are going pretty fast now that I'm back on my own– but we'll see how much I'm able to work. I am very much trying to avoid my old habit of going "oh, sweet, I'm able to get out of bed again! Time to flood myself with responsibility and do All The Things Ever!"

Best wishes to all!!

 

[lita-lassi]

Positive updates are always welcome! Congrats on your hiatus from weed and alcohol. I know stopping any addiction is tough, so any progress is worth celebrating.


if you told us before that you are an artist, my apologies as it's one more level of detailed lost to the storm raging in my head. But if you ever feel comfortable, I'd love to see some of your work.

idk if ive mentioned it earlier, likely not, i was originally an art student. im a bit shy about my stuff but ive had an exceptionally good day so heres some of my stuff from over a decade ago until recently down below. a lot of the detail has been lost due to poor camera or lighting, i often see only mistakes (ofc), currently workshopping some geometric tattoo designs for myself and a friend, some basic sketches/design fuckery and incomplete projects included

@UsagiDrop honey 20 days is a BIG accomplishment for any addiction, im so insanely happy you made it that far and even happier youre not focused on beating yourself up. clock reset and now you KNOW you can go that long :) you got this!

im still sober! i beat the mild withdrawal i had to face (even mild feels like absolute hell mentally, its basically impossible to have any good feeling at all and i feel like a monster comprised of hate and despair while cold-sweating all day and losing weight), and today was the first time ive felt light, carefree and able to laugh til my face hurt in longer than i can remember without substance use. my friend i spent the day with kept commenting on how smiley i was and it felt amazing to be able to revel in the sensation, unclouded by anything. i dont get good days often so i have to soak it in while i can before the next inevitable breakdown lol

@sadwriter i hope you pick up writing/drawing again when youre ready. i thought journaling was silly until i used it regularly and realized how cathartic it really is. and hell yeah, you clean that place!!!! sometimes a good deep clean is the most cathartic move of all

 

[sadwriter]

idk if ive mentioned it earlier, likely not, i was originally an art student. im a bit shy about my stuff but ive had an exceptionally good day so heres some of my stuff from over a decade ago until recently down below. a lot of the detail has been lost due to poor camera or lighting, i often see only mistakes (ofc), currently workshopping some geometric tattoo designs for myself and a friend, some basic sketches/design fuckery and incomplete projects included

WOW, I LOVE your work!!!! It's wild how the personality of your art matches the personality of who you are in your posts: when I saw your drawings, they really felt like something you'd create based on your writing voice. But yeah, I love the pieces with the bones, and that x-ray vibe is really cool.

im still sober! i beat the mild withdrawal i had to face (even mild feels like absolute hell mentally, its basically impossible to have any good feeling at all and i feel like a monster comprised of hate and despair while cold-sweating all day and losing weight), and today was the first time ive felt light, carefree and able to laugh til my face hurt in longer than i can remember without substance use. my friend i spent the day with kept commenting on how smiley i was and it felt amazing to be able to revel in the sensation, unclouded by anything. i dont get good days often so i have to soak it in while i can before the next inevitable breakdown lol

That's super awesome to hear!! Congrats on staying sober, and on getting to have a good day with your friend. Happiness is so particularly special when your mental health is normally shit and you haven't felt that way in a while. When I was trimming the family tree during Christmas this past December, I remember noticing that I was actually feeling good and enjoying myself, and I forgot that that was possible. It really is striking when you remember what feeling good is like after a long time without it. I feel you regarding the next inevitable breakdown thing, though... :,) I hope that you're able to enjoy it while it lasts, though!

I'm very emotionally drained because I just got out of therapy & I read this really intense "self portrait" poem I wrote a few years ago when I was in the middle of a lot of trauma stuff before I actually knew what was going on. It's kind of insane how everything that I now know from therapy was already there in the poem and I just hadn't been able to decode what I was writing yet, lol. Anyway, I ended up crying a lot afterwards so I'm exhausted, but it was in a good & healing way at least :,)

 

[HighFlight]

WOW, I LOVE your work!!!!

^^ I second this!!! ^^
Those images are amazing!!! Thank you for sharing with us.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Hi guys.

I'm super behind on reading this thread. I am no longer depressed or suicidal, but I relapsed back into drug abuse and I'm trying to deal with that.

Recovery is hard and never linear. Hope y'all are well. Glad this space exists

 

[UsagiDrop]

It seems like we are trying to kinder and gentler to ourselves.

I didn't even notice this positive trend, so I'm happy that you caught it! It looks like our pact has had a bit of a positive effect on us, after all. Look at us go; I'm proud of us!

It is so difficult to watch and know there is nothing I can do, except just be there for him.

I'm sorry that you're going through a tough time. It kind of seems like things keep piling onto you, but I think that you're strong enough to get through it. I also think that just being there for your son is no small thing that you're doing, especially with all the things on your plate already. You won't ever be able to solve his problems for him, nor will you always be able to soothe him when he's having a hard time. But just being there for him is a lot, even if it's all you can do, and I'm sure it means a lot to him to know that you're someone he can turn to. Be kind to yourself!

(Also, what's your wife doing "deciding" that you need to go to the gym? Sounds like a you decision rather than a her decision to me! >:( )

Seconding this! Although, maybe a good gym routine could be good for your mental health, or serve as another outlet for you. That's an angle that I can understand.

im still sober!

I'm so happy that you've been able to remain sober. I know fighting through the withdrawals is one of the hardest parts, if not the hardest part. It's hard work, but on days like the one that you've had, where you're able to smile and laugh and feel again, I know that it must be so worth it.

I see that you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I'm not going to say that it won't happen. That's only inevitable, unfortunately. But when it does, I hope you'll remember how euphoric you felt on your good day. There will be more of those days in the future, we just have to make it there!

WOW, I LOVE your work!!!!

And I am also thirding this!! Thank you so much for sharing your lovely art with us, lita. I know that you see a lot of flaws in your art, but I don't see any at all. I think these are wonderfully done and I'm especially impressed by the level of detail in everything, especially the tattoo designs!

It's kind of insane how everything that I now know from therapy was already there in the poem and I just hadn't been able to decode what I was writing yet, lol.

Isn't it funny how life works? Hindsight is always 20/20 in these cases, but it's worth noting the level of awareness that you had of your feelings to even unknowingly create a piece of art from it at the time. I hope you also got to see how much progress you've made from then. You're definitely in a completely different space than you were then since you're able to decode and unravel your own pain now!

Let's celebrate your 20 days sober! It's not easy to do and you should enjoy the feeling of knowing you have made it this far.

honey 20 days is a BIG accomplishment for any addiction, im so insanely happy you made it that far and even happier youre not focused on beating yourself up.

Thank you guys for this reminder. This really did help me out.

I'm not really proud of who I am right now. I hate the way that I have to be. I hate being so bitter, and so hopeless, and so weak, and I was thinking about that all day today. The come down from my drug of choice lasts so long for me. Physically, it only lasts for a a day— more accurately, a few hours. But mentally, it's an agonizing wait for a few days, a few weeks, and it feels like my mind is just dragging me down into a relapse again. And then I fall into it, again. I actually really shouldn't be doing any hard drug with bipolar and I know that, but I also don't really know how to live with this if I don't do them.

I'm back to three days sober now and I want to go even longer this time, so I can be proud of whoever I am a month from now. Things are rough, but for once, I'm trying to plan my way around it instead of planning for my death. Sad to say, but it's still tempting. Someone back home successfully committed a few days ago. I don't know what they were going through, and I don't really want to know. I feel for them and their family, their friends. And yet, the way they did it proved that my method would have worked after all. It is kind of scary to think about.
But I actually don't want to end up like that. Not when there's still a chance for me to have a better life, at least.

I am no longer depressed or suicidal, but I relapsed back into drug abuse and I'm trying to deal with that.

You and me both, friend! But I am so happy to have you back around, and I'm so proud of you for doing whatever it takes to survive. Take your time in reading everything and jumping back in, you know that there is no pressure or time limit to catching up. Thank you for updating us and checking in.

You're right, recovery isn't linear and it isn't easy. We're going to fall, but it's really all about getting back up again. Welcome back to the marathon!

 

[HighFlight]

Side Note: I promised my therapist that I would try Journaling for a little while. ADHD makes it very difficult, So I hope you don't mind, but this random post will be my journal entry for today. (I would find a little fun in telling my therapist where I was journaling, but that probably wouldn't go over so well.)

A couple of quick updates from my last post...

My oldest had a job interview last week. It was the place he stated he wanted to work, and seemed disappointed they didn't offer him the job on the spot. But they called him back for a second interview. He came home from the that interview all excited and said the interview lasted 2 minutes and they offered him the job. He was supposed to start this morning, but his anxiety prevent from going. He declined the job via email.

On a different topic, attended my first training session at the gym. The trainer is my son's age, and hasn't exactly grasped the concept of old age yet. I haven't been able to move my legs without pain since Tuesday. The session was good. He just need to adapt his standard routine for the old folks he's training. Not sure if I'll go back for more than the 1 more session that already paid for. I think I need to find a PT who is with a smaller gym and with a little more experience geriatric clients.

Anyway, that's the closest thing I got to journaling. I appreciate you indulging me, so I don't have to lie to my therapist.

@lita-lassi - again, I really love your drawings. My son was a really good artist in High School, but he couldn't get past his perfectist tendencies. He gave it up because of it. And everything I've built, i know where every mistake is. But when I look at your drawings, I don't see any mistakes. I realize you know where they all are and your eye is drawn to them. But maybe try reframing your thoughts to not see them as mistakes. Instead, trying seeing them as minor imperfections that both add character and make the art truly one of a kind.

@Cloud Busting - thanks for stopping be and giving us a quick update. Overall, I took it as really good news, but the relapse doesn't sound good. Hopefully just this is a minor detour from your non-linear path to recovery.

@sadwriter, @UsagiDrop and everyone else, you are all in my thoughts daily, and I wish that we all can find our own little bit a peace in this increasingly chaotic world.

But in the short term, i hope every one has a pleasant weekend.

 

[nembutal]

cool. id like to talk to people who are trying to hold on to hope. it gets tiring interacting with the people who are completely in despair. i've improved a bit over the last few months, my level of Hope has increased, im trying to better myself and choose to think positively. im still wrapped up in cyclical thinking, journaling helps me. i can't seem to keep sober but i don't think that would help me in the long run. if anyone wants to talk one on one pm me for discord perhaps.

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @nembutal, welcome to the thread.

This site can be a mixed blessing. While it has helped me, the constant talk about ctb can distract from recovery efforts. Many people will take a SaSu break when that noise becomes overwhelming.

It's good that you are giving recovery a chance, and positive thinking and hope will go a long way towards reaching your goals. And I've heard good thinks about journaling. (It just hasn't worked well for me in the past, as I can't focus on it for more than a few days.)

Some of us are already on Discord, and if anyone needs an invite to the server we use, let me know. (I can dm the invites to people, but won't post a general invite in the thread for security reasons.)

 

[UsagiDrop]

I appreciate you indulging me, so I don't have to lie to my therapist.

We appreciate you for sharing with us! I'm sorry that your son is going through such a tough time. I definitely understand the job anxiety and I hope he'll be able to bounce back from this. I hope he didn't think it was too good of an opportunity for him. I know that depression can make us think that very easily.

I also hope that it all works out with your work outs! Finding the right trainer sounds like it would be very important. I guess it's kind of like shopping around for an employee, or a job, or a therapist; we all have different needs so finding someone that aligns with them is a necessity.

id like to talk to people who are trying to hold on to hope.

Welcome to the thread! You've definitely found the right place to talk to people who are trying to hold onto hope. I'm happy to hear that you've been making positive progress, and I'm proud of you for improving at all. There's a few of us here struggling with addiction and trying to stay sober. I'm one of them, so I can really empathize with you there.

I wanna second the suggestion to join the Discord server that some of us are in. But I think a lot of us welcome DMs if you want to talk individually, myself included. Otherwise, this thread is a free space for you to vent, ask questions, or just be a listening ear to others. We'd be happy to have you around!

How long have you been journaling? I've really been struggling with doing it consistently, myself. I end up journaling every once in a while, but I mean to do it more often. It just feels kind of silly, sometimes, when I write down my feelings and basically talk to myself.

 

[Shrike]

You folks seem like a really lovely bunch of people. Such a friendly thread.

Wanting to feel better. To enjoy the remaining time I'd still like to spend here. Prioritizing myself now and not what I'm "supposed" to be, because that will never work.

Started a new job some months ago. I'm trying to balance caring too much about the job. Monday was not good. Tuesday was just awful, worst day I had in months. A coworker was hounding me about something inconsequential and I snapped somewhat (and how I landed here). Having trouble focusing the rest of the week. It's so easy to knock me off-course.

I need not let it affect me, particularly how the people act. I can do well enough with smiling at most of the people and casual socializing and all that. If someone starts saying something stupid I just need to ignore it. I don't need to engage it and give it that validity. I know now it's not a safe space, but I've worked in worse places fine. I'm just here to solve interesting problems, maybe make some contacts, and collect my paycheck. No more, no less.

Learning to play the violin. I've been practicing every day (except the Tuesday, but I compensated by practicing two separate times on Wednesday). I don't think I'm producing very good sound and my neighbors probably hate me but I'm surprised at how fun I find it. I am just playing open strings right now and enjoying getting the simple compositions right. Looking forward to my weekly lessons and the teacher giving me something new to practice.

I should really see the dentist.

@lita-lassi - those are some badass sketches!

 

[UsagiDrop]

@Shrike, welcome to the forum, although it's always sad to see someone around here. Most importantly, welcome to our little corner of it! We're happy to have you around, and you're always welcome to vent and seek support here.

Wanting to feel better. To enjoy the remaining time I'd still like to spend here. Prioritizing myself now and not what I'm "supposed" to be, because that will never work.

It's a great thing that you've identified what you want your priorities to be as opposed to what it's "supposed" to be. Playing the role of a cog in a machine is really painful, and working can quickly become a very destructive thing to both our minds and our bodies. Unfortunately, it's a necessity for most of us to survive, so there's no getting around it.

I'm sorry that you've had bad experiences at your job that had lead you here. I can definitely empathize with you there, as my job has been a source of great despair for me over the past few, very long months, lol. I think most of my time on this thread was spent complaining about it!

I'm just here to solve interesting problems, maybe make some contacts, and collect my paycheck. No more, no less.

With all that being said, I think this is a wonderful mindset to have. I've gotten a lot of advice to do this. A job is just a place that you have to be for a certain amount of hours, and your only prerogative there is to perform a task and then collect a paycheck. All of the extra emotional output is unnecessary when we think of it like that. But my brain doesn't really see it that way, work for me always feels like I'm turning myself into jail daily.

Hobbies are a great way to break the mundane, kind of "Groundhog Day" effect that our jobs can have on us. So it's great that you're learning the violin! Haha, screw your neighbors for now— as long as you aren't playing too early in the morning or too late at night, they'll just have to understand that all genius starts somewhere. Out of curiosity, are there any other hobbies or things that you enjoy doing outside of your work?

 

[sadwriter]

Man, I've really been delaying catching up on stuff! Well, looks like my replies are gonna be short today, sadly, because I'm basically falling asleep.

@Cloud Busting it's super nice to see you back on the thread!! I've been wondering how you were doing. Sorry that you have to deal with the drug abuse stuff, but I'm glad that you're not feeling depressed or suicidal anymore at least! And I don't blame you if you don't get the chance to read back on the thread at all– it would be an awful lot to catch up on.

@HighFlight we're glad to be the recipients of your journal entry– thank you for sharing! Though I'm sorry that your son's anxiety got in the way of him taking on the new job... seconding UsagiDrop, I hope he's able to bounce back and be able to work again soon. I also hope that you're able to find a PT with more experience working with "geriatric" clients, LOL!

@nembutal & @Shrike welcome to the thread! @Shrike amen to prioritizing yourself and not what you're "supposed" to be! I'm finally starting to learn to do this myself after twenty something years of self hatred, and it's really freeing. Fuck the others and their expectations. It's a losing game to try and fit the mold that other people expect from you, since there will always be something that people will find to criticize. Also, good on you for learning the violin! I hope you're able to find some peace in your life, however long you decide to stick around.


On my end, I had a really good second meeting with my Zoom support group last night. (Ended up missing last week because I was drained and needed alone time, which was the right decision in the end.) I'm glad to be over the hump of those anxious associations I had with it because of the first meeting. I was able to be myself way more this time around, and I related to SO much of what people were saying. I definitely am fully onboard with being a part of it now!

I do feel like I'm cheating on this thread now as I get more involved with the other group :,) But alas, it's inevitable given that I'm fully committed to recovery now and thus have less of a place on this site... Even if I start to post less on this thread (which is probably gonna happen going forward), I still have every intention to continue to pop back in and catch up with you all! My desire to CTB may be gone, but this group helped get me through some of the toughest months of my life this past fall, and it'll always be special to me because of that <3

 

[Shrike]

Had a good Friday at work, feeling more level now, and not feeling so abandoned by my friend. Probably been too harsh about the altercation/interpretation, but it's nonetheless good for me to be a bit more boarded up / not have too many expectations.

Best they do not know about the darker parts of my mind. Too heavy for most. I can keep them here.

@Shrike, welcome to the forum, although it's always sad to see someone around here. Most importantly, welcome to our little corner of it! We're happy to have you around, and you're always welcome to vent and seek support here.

Cheers! At the end of the day I'm glad to have found this corner of the internet, and I appreciate the risks the admins take to maintain it, I didn't expect me my darkest day to lead me to such a place.

I can definitely empathize with you there, as my job has been a source of great despair for me over the past few, very long months, lol. I think most of my time on this thread was spent complaining about it! But my brain doesn't really see it that way, work for me always feels like I'm turning myself into jail daily.

Yeah my last job became like that... I'd wake up in dread, I couldn't sleep, ended up in sick leave for a while. It was a generally toxic workplace, many people resigned. Being stuck in a place you hate is not a reasonable punishment. It's unfortunate what we have to do to survive.

as long as you aren't playing too early in the morning or too late at night, they'll just have to understand that all genius starts somewhere. Out of curiosity, are there any other hobbies or things that you enjoy doing outside of your work?

Haha, yeah I play during reasonable hours. They have their kids making noise, too, so that makes it fair, right? xD

Most of your common ones. Watching movies, playing games, reading. Wanting to do more writing, it's been a bit on and off for me. There was cross-stitching, need to get back into that.

You got any hobbies, yourself?

On my end, I had a really good second meeting with my Zoom support group last night. (Ended up missing last week because I was drained and needed alone time, which was the right decision in the end.) I'm glad to be over the hump of those anxious associations I had with it because of the first meeting. I was able to be myself way more this time around, and I related to SO much of what people were saying. I definitely am fully onboard with being a part of it now!

Needing alone time is so relatable. Always feeling like I have to juggle the energy available vs the benefits of such socializing. Glad to hear it is working out for you, keep at it!

 

[UsagiDrop]

I do feel like I'm cheating on this thread now as I get more involved with the other group :,)

It's not possible to cheat on this group! While we love having you around, it's an undoubtable fact that being around here less can be extremely beneficial to your recovery. I think we can all come to understand hearing from you less. Also, I think it's great if you get along better with a group that will be more responsive/consistent to you, anyway. This group is great for support, but there's always a little delay due to the nature of everyone else having to take their time to reply.

We're happy to have helped at all! I hope things continue to go well for you, even if the bittersweet result of that is hearing from you less.

Had a good Friday at work, feeling more level now, and not feeling so abandoned by my friend.

I'm happy that you had a better day today!

But it sucks that your job has made you feel that way at all. I've been crying before, during and after work, too, and I drink just about every day to deal with the stress, so I'm making myself really sick.

Is it possible for you to start maybe looking for another job?

They have their kids making noise, too, so that makes it fair, right? xD

Hahaha, I think that makes it more than fair! Kids tend to be a lot louder than someone playing an instrument. I'm lucky none of my neighbors have any (yet). I think we're the loudest ones in this block, unfortunately, and I hate that for us.

Your hobbies sound pretty fun even if they're standard! Especially cross stitching, I've always wanted to pick up a hobby in the stitching/knitting area. I'm looking more into crochet, as I have a good amount of friends and acquaintances that do it for a hobby or for business. I hope you'll be able to get back into that! If you don't mind me asking, what made you stop?

Also, I think you're probably the fourth writer that's come around! I think it's pretty cool how many of us enjoy the hobby.

You got any hobbies, yourself?

I'm also a writer, although it's been months since I've really written anything. I'm also into indoor gardening, gaming sometimes, tarot/oracle reading, and I want to get back into reading/literary analysis, baking and cooking in the coming months as well. I actually haven't watched a lot of movies or shows, so I've found it fun to go back and watch the things that "everyone" has watched. I only just watched things like "The Matrix" and "Die Hard" literally last year.

 

[Shrike]

Is it possible for you to start maybe looking for another job?

My current job is a consequence of me looking for another job. I've been assured this new job is safe. Probably other peoples' definition of "safe" differs from mine. I don't really have faith anymore that there's anything different out there. That's why I'm constricting my expectations and definitions of such things. My search for a "dream job" is over.

If you don't mind me asking, what made you stop?

Well starting the job changed my schedule a lot and I haven't slotted it in anywhere. It's something I usually do in mornings, and now I've also been sleeping too long on the weekends. Just your usual schedule adjustments.

I actually haven't watched a lot of movies or shows, so I've found it fun to go back and watch the things that "everyone" has watched. I only just watched things like "The Matrix" and "Die Hard" literally last year.

That's cool! Hope you've managed to avoid some spoilers for things. There's been a lot of cool stuff over the years, I've been catching up on a lot of movies, myself, at a certain point I've just entirely stopped watching them for some reason.

 

[lita-lassi]

welcome shrike and nembutal

hobbies in general are badass and yours kicks butt @Shrike, im really envious of people that can play an instrument as it takes so much self-discipline i simply do not have. i hope youre able to manage your workplace toxicity issues, i know that was a huge problem for me for many many years, although very different reasons entirely. hopefully your coworkers can understand that not everyone is there to have a good time or agree with everyone else entirely. thank you for the compliment on my artwork :)

@sadwriter its amazing you have a real world source of support that able to help more than internet strangers, honestly! obviously we love having you but man if youre able to get better elsewhere, by all means like @UsagiDrop said your recovery is more important. the thread will be here when you want to check in but dont let anything stop you from success. im glad this place helped you through the worst of times when it did. its done the same for me (though i was super sporadic in comparison lol). no ones gonna be salty at someone getting better

@HighFlight ive used this like a journal as well and i hope it helps you out even if its hard to focus. for some reason i found typing to "strangers" was easier than handwriting in my own books, possibly something about knowing others would see made me think harder about completing the entries. glad you got to the gym, think there's any way you can talk to the trainer about adjusting for your abilities/needs? i feel like any good trainer should be able to modify for their clients if they want to keep business. sorry to hear your son didnt take the job :( i hope you guys are working through his anxiety together healthily theres always other opportunities even when it feels like there arent (useless platitude as that may sound/be)

ive been having some more positive days recently, not completely carefree and i still cry all the time but im at least able to feel good and laugh and not feel so weighed down by constant despair to where i couldnt move like before. im doing more maths work like i shouldve been doing for months (years really). im not good and super far behind where i want to be but it definitely feels different learning now as to when i did when i was in school. theres more motivation so its easier to keep going despite being completely lost in variable equations. im trying to let go of some of my fwb's personal issues hes dealing with which are preventing us from being closer; its really hard and i nearly cut him out entirely just last night for breaking an important promise. time will tell how either of us moves forward from this, i know i need to step back at the bare minimum to keep myself from more harm. its really hard not having any other friends in town yet and i know the codependency isnt healthy in the slightest. its up to him to help himself. after all the shit ive been dealing with continuously with my dicknose of an ex, im not letting anyone else break boundaries or trust again. it hurts but man is it healthier.

hope everyone had a tolerable/healthy weekend

 

[HighFlight]

OK, I'm far behind on this thread and need to get caught up. However, I did catch Sadwriter's post and wanted to reply while he's still around.

But alas, it's inevitable given that I'm fully committed to recovery now and thus have less of a place on this site...

Congrats!! This is really great news. It's great that you are solidly on the road to recovery and have strong support irl. It has been a long road over the past several months, and you have made tremendous progress. It's kind of a SaSu Recovery graduation.

I know you've promised to check-in now and then but I realize that over time, it would be expected to hear from you less and less. Before that happens, I want to say THANK YOU - for sharing your story, your insights, and your kind words. Thank you for giving life a chance, even though it can be difficult, and for simply being you.

I wish you all the best and hope that you continue on this path. If so, I know the world will be a better place. And remember to be kind to yourself.


(Sorry, I have updates - nothing major - but it's late here, so I'll post again later with my updates and some replies to some of the other messages.)

 

[sadwriter]

It's not possible to cheat on this group! While we love having you around, it's an undoubtable fact that being around here less can be extremely beneficial to your recovery. I think we can all come to understand hearing from you less. Also, I think it's great if you get along better with a group that will be more responsive/consistent to you, anyway. This group is great for support, but there's always a little delay due to the nature of everyone else having to take their time to reply.

We're happy to have helped at all! I hope things continue to go well for you, even if the bittersweet result of that is hearing from you less.

@sadwriter its amazing you have a real world source of support that able to help more than internet strangers, honestly! obviously we love having you but man if youre able to get better elsewhere, by all means like @UsagiDrop said your recovery is more important. the thread will be here when you want to check in but dont let anything stop you from success. im glad this place helped you through the worst of times when it did. its done the same for me (though i was super sporadic in comparison lol). no ones gonna be salty at someone getting better

Congrats!! This is really great news. It's great that you are solidly on the road to recovery and have strong support irl. It has been a long road over the past several months, and you have made tremendous progress. It's kind of a SaSu Recovery graduation.

I know you've promised to check-in now and then but I realize that over time, it would be expected to hear from you less and less. Before that happens, I want to say THANK YOU - for sharing your story, your insights, and your kind words. Thank you for giving life a chance, even though it can be difficult, and for simply being you.

I wish you all the best and hope that you continue on this path. If so, I know the world will be a better place. And remember to be kind to yourself.

Thank you guys <3 It really is bittersweet, especially since I'm a sentimental person and reluctant to leave groups where I feel at home! Your well wishes mean a lot, though, and I'm glad that I'm at least going to be "graduating" on a hopeful & positive note rather than the alternative, so you guys can know that I'm still out there living a hopefully better life than before. This definitely won't be the last you see of me by any means, but yeah, I'm glad that I got to be a regular on this amazing thread during the last several months :,)

Sorry that I don't have the energy to reply to anything else– therapy hit me like a fucking truck today, and it felt like the world was ending for a bit, but now a couple hours later later it feels like... the world is no longer ending and I'm gonna be OK!? Definitely progress!– but I just wanted to say this at least! I hope you all remember to be kind to yourselves and don't forget how strong you are!

 

[Cloud Busting]

I'm sorry to butt in when I'm not apart of the conversation, but I want to be annoying and update.

I relapsed on drugs in December. For the past two months, my life has been primarily about drugs. It hasn't been very long but in such a short span I've been making horrible decisions. I will get myself into serious trouble if I continue to go down this path.

All things that are healthy for me: church, exercise, wholesome people, reading, therapy, no longer exist in my world. I want them back. I was doing so well before, and I can continue to do well again.

I hope this explains my departure from this thread. I've been too busy going on 3 day benders. Lol! I hope to re join you all. Recovery isn't linear as I've said before.

I hope you all are well and if you're not, that you find a solution to the problem soon. I hope to catch back up! I've been a week sober so the worst is over and I'm feeling much better, but I will have to continue to maintain. I know you all will have my back.

 

[HighFlight]

Welcome back, @Cloud Busting!!! You are neither butting in nor annoying, and we are happy to hear from you.

Sorry you had a tough couple months, and as many here understand, the pull of addiction can be very strong. I glad you were able to find strength to stop, and hope you will be able to restart all the positive things you listed.

As you said, recovery is not a linear process, and we all have good days (months or years) and bad. Hopefully you're past a bad spell, and can focus on the good stuff for awhile. It sounds like you have so much love and support irl to help you.

So congrats on the week sober! And we look forward to having you back as part of our thread.

As for myself, well, not sure where to begin.... My son is still unemployed, and his anxiety keeps him from leaving the house in most cases. Still refusing treatment, although he didn't finally agree to see my Psych NP. Fingers-crossed, although I do realize that any change is up to him, and I don't have control over it. It's tough when it's in your face day-after-day and there is nothing you can do. My biggest fear is finding him in the site's approval queue...

I had another ketamine trip last Friday, and even with the higher dosage, it was completely uneventful. I had figured out that ketamine does boost my mood for about 4-5 days after taking it, but that's worn off by now.

The rest of my life continues in the same groundhog day pattern. Each day brings a set of frustrations and problems, then I go to bed only to have the same thing happen tomorrow.

Wishing you all a good weekend, and I will try to catch up with the rest of you as soon as I can.

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

Hi. I think I want to join here too!

More often than not I hang out in the suicide section but I have doubt and don't know if I really want to die. All the time.
I'm scared to ctb because failure has dire consequences...

It's better to leave things open if you are in doubt and are undecided. The biggest problem currently is that finding joy in things is very difficult for me. I can't even begin to think about doing anything else other than rediscovering enjoying the small things in life.