will try and interact on here more instead of just lurking haha
I know how hard it is to say anything, because I'm a lurker too.
But thank you for lurking and reading at least some of the thread, because it's like you've been in the room hanging out with us anyway! The more, the merrier. Hopefully one day, you'll feel safe and comfortable in interacting with others on the forum. I'm sure all of us would love to hear from you sometimes!
I might have made a mistake about suggesting taking some of this conversation to Discord. Since then, this thread seems to have begun to die out. I'm sorry for that, as we've had a good group of people actively participating, and several more lurking.
I don't think you've made a mistake. The server is a nice place to lurk or interact with others, I think lots of valuable things are shared in there. I also think this thread may hit highs and lows with activity even if we weren't on it. We still have a pretty solid group of people here, but sometimes there may be periods where all of our troubles may overlap and things can go quiet from time to time. The server is like a supplement but it's definitely a different space than this one, I still think it's good thing that some of us are in both places.
I'm happy to hear that you've returned home safely and that you've had a decent trip overall. Although the parts that suck do really suck; type A personality people are draining, but honestly they entertain me a little bit, too, because they are just so different from what I am.
Most of all, it's good that you got to do something that you enjoy, which is learning new things. Maybe some things flew over your head, but that's okay. It just means that there's much more to discover and figure out!
And now I feel like I'm losing touch with people ilr and virtually. Maybe the first ketamine trip was correct, I'm destin to be isolated and alone.
I don't believe this can be true. I think a lot of people would understand diminished communication given certain circumstances; working, for example, or depression, or just getting lost in life (it is a pretty easy thing to get lost in). I would hope that when I lose touch with some people, that I won't stop meaning something to them. I haven't experienced this from someone very close to me, yet.
You mean a lot, not just to us in this thread, but to your family, friends and more people than you know, no matter how little you've been able to reach out lately. I hope that you will have better days, and that you'll have the energy and time to talk to the people that mean a lot to you when you're ready to do that. Or, maybe you can shoot quick messages to let people know you're still thinking of them despite not communicating often. That might ease both your mind and your friends'.
I've simultaneously started to feel worried about becoming the one person who's always ranting on here more than anyone else and feel positive about the fact that I'm doing my part to keep the thread alive, ha!
Aww, but we love to hear from you!
That being said, I don't have too much to report today.
I always say that no news can be good news. I'm happy that you've been having what sounds like better days these days. Isn't it funny how our bodies will hold all of our resentment and pain in it? You'd think it should just stick to your head, but nope, when you're doing really bad, it finds really weird ways to manifest the mental anguish into physical pain. I'm sure it must be a relief to get rid of your chest and back pain at least a little. Stretching regularly may also help with things, if you still feel some pain in your body. And maybe this is more motivation to get back to working out?
It's wonderful that you found the time and energy to write! I hope you're able to keep on writing when you can.
Have you seen the "advice to not be so hard on myself" thread? I ended up bookmarking it because everyone on the thread had a lot of wise words to say to the OP, and I think maybe it could be helpful for you as well.
Thank you for your kind words on this. I actually did go to check out this thread and there really are some gems in there. I also remember
@parader mentioning their way of trying go stop the negative self-talk and I'm doing the same by actively trying to reframe my meaner thoughts as they pop up, but I don't even know. It always feels so fake? Like the first thought was the truth and the second one is a lie that I'm telling myself to feel better. I guess it's only natural for it to feel that way until it becomes a habit.
The very last post on that thread interested me, because someone suggested to journal. Just get all of the negative statements and feelings out, and then when you're in a better space, you can review it and correct it, and question whether or not you would evaluate someone else in the same way. I feel like I do that all the time with my journal entries, haha, so many of them are just me cursing myself when I turn to a random page. I would never talk to anyone like how the voice in my head talks to me. But I never really tried to correct those entries, though. Just kind of read it again and again and said, "oh yeah, sounds about right."
I think I want to start up another journal where I can work on rewriting those entries with different thoughts and different perspectives. I don't always feel the same way now, so it would be worth a shot when I'm in better spaces.
Uprooting my life to a foreign country seems scary, but it's not like I have anything tying me here (I've tried). I have hope for getting my health under control, as there are even PMDD specialists near him. And that's my biggest hurdle, "disability" as a result of my condition(s).
It definitely is scary. I did the same thing for my fiancé and that is, unfortunately, what ultimately lead me to this forum. I won't elaborate on that because I don't want to discourage you. Instead, I will focus on the beautiful things about moving your entire life to a new country.
It's literally like starting a brand new life. If you want to, you get to be an entirely different person, or the person that you always wanted to be. At least, you can work on it without having people that only know the old you around to scare you out of things or keep you tethered to that old version of yourself. A brand new country has so many things to explore; new people, new stories, new cultures and customs, new food (this is probably the best part), new sceneries, new ways to enjoy the sunset, new ways to see the sunrise. It's scary because you'll feel like a small fish in an even bigger pond, and that will be true, but that's a good thing because it means your world just got bigger! You said that you don't have many things rooting you to your current place, anyway, so it's a fresh chance to spread your roots deep in a bigger pot with new soil that may nourish you more than your old one ever did. Lots to look forward to!
I also think it's an advantage that you won't be doing it alone. You have the love and support of your fiancé, so I hope that things won't be as spooky as you're imagining them to be. Hopefully you can embrace the challenge and the turbulence that comes with it (because those things do come) and create a beautiful life. Also, good luck with your studies! I imagine once you get there and have to immerse yourself in the language completely, you might find yourself learning really, really quickly.
I'm trying to stay positive
It's good that you're trying to stay positive, although it's understandable why you're feeling sad and overwhelmed with things. I know that feeling when things seem to just be going all the way wrong while you're also in the bad weeks of your cycle. Everything just feels a thousand times worse than it actually might be. I hope that your infection isn't pneumonia, and that the antibiotics help to clear things up. A lot of the time, when things are falling apart like this, it just means there's something really nice and calming waiting on the other side to give us some reprieve, and that might be your trip. I really hope that you're able to go, and that you can keep fighting until then. It may suck now, but next year, you'll be in a completely new chapter of your life.
i wasnt expecting more than a referral at absolute best when i mentioned a civil suit to him. all he did was hear my story and jumped into action free of charge being like "nah fuck this guy imma scare the piss outta him" lmao
This is great, haha, it's funny and wonderful how the world can work in our favors sometimes. It's like
@HighFlight55 says, sometimes we get a bone. You definitely got a big one with a free service, and you deserve it! It kind of sounds like scaring him into doing the right thing might be cathartic for both of you and I love that for you guys, and for your pos ex!
i want my future and i want to be done with this shit chapter.
I think that the moment you made the finite decision to get away from that guy, you got your future back. It's already in your hands, even if this period of time is rough. And you're right, you may have to lose some personal belongings in the process, and that will hurt and suck, but ultimately they really are less important than everything else. You're somewhere safe and warm, enjoying your days again, and that's what is really important. Belongings can be accumulated and loved again, but your safety and peace of mind is priceless!
Thank you for checking in, and thanks for calling me a gem.
This is a behemoth post again (I'm sorry). I don't really have any updates for myself anyway, though.
Today marks a brand new week, and I hope that it will be kind to all of us, or at least I hope it won't pull anything crazy. It sounds like these days are kind of sucking for most of us, but let's keep fighting! There are probably bones to be found around the corners we all have to turn, lol.
Some people really just don't get it. And it must not have been fun having to deal with that emotional burden of constantly being around people who don't get it when you're already having a stressful week.
to all.
thank you for keeping this thread rolling. id much rather be on here than a discord tbh. happy to read your updates. 
), lease application finalization, health insurance, my cat has had diarrhea for more than 3 days so thats scary 
guys im tired lol but every minute i spend talking to lawyer and progressing, even if its scary as shit to think about what could happen given my ex is an absolutely fucking insane vindictive asshole about all this, i feel better and more hopeful ill at least get my heirlooms back. i have to keep reminding myself i will likely lose some of my own important things and they can't compare to getting back my families property at large. its hard but necessary. i want my future and i want to be done with this shit chapter.
