hey everyone! haven't been here for a while, but was wondering how everyone's doing
I'm not doing very well with sobriety. Off drugs but I'm still drinking. Yesterday, I was told I didn't need to go into work for the day unexpectedly, and even though the reason thankfully had nothing to with me, to deal with the stress, I started drinking what I had leftover in the fridge… at like 11am. It made me really sick by the evening, I was up until about 4am last night just throwing up bile. There was nothing inside of me for my body to reject, I only could stomach about three bites of food. I still want to drink again today and I'm trying not to. My partner is trying to help me. We're thinking I should probably ween off alcohol instead of trying to stop cold turkey, since I can't really get any other help right now. If I can get myself to drink only one drink a day, I can eventually stop doing it every day, and then go from there. Or at least that's the idea.
i can relate to this so much, today was actually the second day i didn't drink in weeks and it's ruining my mood
i'm being way more reactive and irritable than i actually am, and i know this is related to abstinence because i'm craving a drink so bad from the very moment i woke up
addiction manifests itself in different ways for different people so i don't know if you feel the same way but i don't have such a hard time staying sober when i'm feeling better about life
it's kind of weird actually, when i'm doing ok i even forget to drink, days go by and i suddenly realize i didn't even notice
i don't know if this works for you and i don't feel like i have any control right now of when this happens to me, but seems like a silver-lining that maybe if i can just find something better, drinking won't feel like such a loss
i know "getting better" is what we aim for, don't be too hard on yourself for struggling, try what seems more feasible right now and keep holding on, i hope it gets easier
as for me, today was a really hard day, i felt terrible, cried, lost count of how many times i thought it would be better to just end it all
but i've noticed that recently whenever i get such bad days is when i feel most optimistic, i don't know how or why, it's a paradox actually, i cry over happy little videos of cats on the internet, and think of how precious it is to exist
i have no idea what's going on in my mind right now, i'm not a religious person of any sorts, but i like these days more than the ones i feel so indifferent and apathetic towards anything
maybe that's progress? i can't tell
hope you all have a great weekend, and i'm thankful this place exists
edit: also, a tip i'm experimenting with to see if it can help in any way: paying attention to my negative thoughts, but there's a catch, when i think something bad about myself i try to evaluate if it's warranted and if it makes any sense, if that's the case i try to understand the feeling and let myself feel, but while practicing this i noticed a lot of thoughts that crawl out of nowhere and are just mean for no reason at all, these ones i try to not pay much mind to, i just let them pass and sometimes answer mentally
like sometimes i'm just eating breakfast and suddenly think "i'm just so stupid" out of the blue and answer "no i'm not" and that's it, i don't answer any further and don't give them much room, i'm not sure it's working but i think it might