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SolaceNight

SolaceNight

Member
Sep 17, 2023
5
So, my dudes and dudettes

Some things changed for me, tbh I made some decisions and I am ready to make the pact.

I will write the things I wanna promise myself here and you do the same. We’ll change the things we don’t like along the way. But he have to start somewhere.

So this is what I propose for a start: each one of us making a vow, a promise (however you see fit) and then, as a rule write a post every day (no exception) about how their day went and how they are feeling ♥️

I’ll make mine a tat later

Hoping on hearing from you soon ! 🫂🫶🏼🌟
This is still on? Can i hop in?
 
HighFlight55

HighFlight55

Experienced
Jun 28, 2023
266
Hello and welcome @SolaceNight! Yes, this thread is still active and you're welcome to contribute or just listen. As @BurgundySnap said, no stress or obligation. Ideally, we try to post daily about what's going on and how we feel - the good, the bad and/or the ugly. However, we also recognize that daily can be overwhelming, especially if we're having one of "those days".

I've been recovering from an emotional roller coaster last week. Today was the first day where things began to feel a little more stable. I shared a lot last week with my coworkers, and I'm sure a bunch of them will be checking in with me over the next few weeks. This could be good, but will be emotional and stressful none the less.

In addition to the work stress, I made a mistake on a discord chat service. While the mistake was minor and people quickly forgot it, for me, it triggered one of my worst fears, that I am just the creepy old man that parents warn their kids about. While nothing could be further from the truth, perception is often more important the truth. The feeling of being judged through this lense has brought me closer to ctb than I've been in years. This is the real reason behind the negative tones of my posts over the past couple days. And if I have made any uncomfortable with my questions or comments, you have my sincere apologies.

Peace :heart:
 
cardboard_house

cardboard_house

he/him | slowly rotting away inside
Sep 17, 2023
29
I've been thinking, and earlier, I made a vow to myself and I want to share it here. I figured that even if my cat is no longer with us, she can be my lifeline, just in a different way.

I vowed that I would live a good, happy life, so that she could live on through me and experience what she never got the chance to experience through me. That I would take care of myself and the people I love so that she can experience the hapiness she didn't through me, even if she's not with us anymore. That I wouldn't hurt myself and that I would commit myself to living a good life without constant worry and regret.

Her life may have been cut short, but even if that's the case, I'll recover from this so that she can live out the rest of her life through me.

And maybe, along the way, I'll find another reason to live. I'll want to live, for myself. But until then, I will live for her, and she can live through me.
 
parader

parader

bpd cursed
Apr 15, 2023
99
hey there, just stopping by to wish you all a nice day/night <3
i've been quite tired last week, so i don't have it in me to read or write a lot but i'm still trying day after day, and i'm glad to see what a great thread this has become
keep holding on, i'll try to do the same
 
cactusflower

cactusflower

here but not here
Apr 19, 2023
50
Going out tonight. I don't usually go outside, as I usually isolate and become a hermit. I'm forcing myself to go today, and hopefully it will be a nice time.

I hope everyone is doing well, it's been a bit since I've posted here. I think I will make another more general post later but I wanted to wish you all the best and hope that you are all having a wonderful day/evening 💜
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
109
This is still on? Can i hop in?
Yes! Welcome to the thread.
Her life may have been cut short, but even if that's the case, I'll recover from this so that she can live out the rest of her life through me.

And maybe, along the way, I'll find another reason to live. I'll want to live, for myself. But until then, I will live for her, and she can live through me.
Welcome to the thread!

I think this is a really lovely vow to make for yourself. I know that you can and will be successful with it. I’m really sorry to hear about the passing of your cat, though; please accept my condolences. Some people think that the loss of a pet is not such a big deal, but it’s truly like losing a family member.

Until you find a reason to go on, there is nothing wrong with just living for your precious kitty. At the darkest time of my life, I lived solely to log onto my Animal Crossing town every day. We all may need a push to get us from one period in time to another, and I’m really sure that your cat definitely wants to see you live a happy life from her place beyond the grave. I think that she more than likely loved the life she got to live with you.
While the mistake was minor and people quickly forgot it, for me, it triggered one of my worst fears, that I am just the creepy old man that parents warn their kids about.
This is a really understandable fear and anxiety to have. I’m happy that the people in the server or chat were able to overlook the minor mistake. As I’m getting older for the internet’s standards, I have those worries too when I’m interacting with people who aren’t even ten years younger than me.

If it helps, I don’t think that you’ve ever made anyone in this thread at least uncomfortable. And definitely not me! I think I gravitate toward older people on the internet though, I’m starting to notice that my online friends are nearing their 40s or already far into those years. I always enjoy the insight that people older than I am are able to provide me. I highly doubt that you are crossing the line into anything inappropriate, since you feel guilty over making a mistake like that. You’re still a good person, even if people perceive you in the wrong way. But I’m willing to bet that most of the people you interact with think that you’re wonderful to talk to, definitely not creepy.

And as a kid that grew up talking to people way older than myself on the internet, you are definitely not the adults my mom warned me about! Those adults are way different.

I hope everyone is doing alright. I don’t really have much to report. But I do have a really bad feeling that I may have a problem with alcohol. I went two days without drinking and then gave in because I felt like I needed it to relax after work the other day. I ended up getting so drunk that I had to stay home yesterday because I was ill and couldn’t move without upsetting my stomach. Thinking back on it, I think I’ve had at least one drink almost every day for the past year. 😅 I’ll work on working on that, it’s a little alarming and I do have a history of alcoholism in my family so I should do something about this before it’s all too late.
 
cardboard_house

cardboard_house

he/him | slowly rotting away inside
Sep 17, 2023
29
I think this is a really lovely vow to make for yourself. I know that you can and will be successful with it. I’m really sorry to hear about the passing of your cat, though; please accept my condolences. Some people think that the loss of a pet is not such a big deal, but it’s truly like losing a family member.

Until you find a reason to go on, there is nothing wrong with just living for your precious kitty. At the darkest time of my life, I lived solely to log onto my Animal Crossing town every day. We all may need a push to get us from one period in time to another, and I’m really sure that your cat definitely wants to see you live a happy life from her place beyond the grave. I think that she more than likely loved the life she got to live with you.
Thank you a lot. I was having a bit of a rough time today of falling back into the routine of go to school, work all day, spend all the rest of my time doing homework and wake up tired anyways. Your message really touched me, and it made me feel a lot better.

I always find it difficult around this time in the evening because it's when I used to feed the cat. I usually have that straying thought that I need to feed her soon before realizing that, well, that won't happen anymore.

I took a nap, and that was really nice. It felt warm, and reminded me of all the naps I took with her. I was almost surprised not to see her at the foot of my bed when I woke up.

Now, I have a load of homework to do and a test tomorrow. Luckily, it's maths and I'm pretty confortable with it but I still wish I could spend my time doing something more meaningful (I've been playing a lot of piano these past few days, so probably that).
 
HighFlight55

HighFlight55

Experienced
Jun 28, 2023
266
Now, I have a load of homework to do and a test tomorrow. Luckily, it's maths and I'm pretty confortable with it but I still wish I could spend my time doing something more meaningful (I've been playing a lot of piano these past few days, so probably that).
Good luck on your test. I always wished I could play the piano better and comfortable enough to play in front of others. I inherited a baby grand piano from my grandparents. Sadly, it just collects dust these days. If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?

@UsagiDrop , thank you for your kind words. You have a way of making people feel better with your words - a gift. Im sure its appreciated by the entire group.

I know how scary alcoholism can be, but dont be too hard on yourself. I grew up with an alcoholic father. The important part is that you consciously recognize that it could be a problem for you. I think if you keep that in mind when making drink decisions, you should be ok.

As far as the chat, I felt so bad I had to leave that discord server. 😔 The person running and moderating it is really nice and smart, but she unknowingly hit a trigger for me. It still makes me sad.

Otherwise, things are going OK. My life has returned to my normal Groundhog Day, stuck in and endless, overwhelming loop. Therapy doesn't feel like it's helping, nor does the medication. I feel like I'm simply existing.

I wish the best for everyone in our group. If you haven't had a chance to post anything recently, we'd love to hear how your doing.

Peace :heart:
 
cardboard_house

cardboard_house

he/him | slowly rotting away inside
Sep 17, 2023
29
Good luck on your test. I always wished I could play the piano better and comfortable enough to play in front of others. I inherited a baby grand piano from my grandparents. Sadly, it just collects dust these days. If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?
Thank you, I just recently started playing again, so I'm a little rusty. I'm just studying math, review so it's nothing I don't know, just tedious repetition and practice. I'm in my last year of highschool, but I'm hoping to go into physics if I go to university, so the math is, unfortunately, necessary. I probably would have dropped it otherwise.
 
HighFlight55

HighFlight55

Experienced
Jun 28, 2023
266
I'm hoping to go into physics
To my family's dismay, I love physics. Everytime my wife asks me why something happened, I can usually explain it to her in physics terms. 🙃 But unfortunately, my high school math is like your piano playing - a little rusty. If I can ever escape from my work hell, I'd like to brush up on my math and statistics, and start doing some AI work. (Sorry team, not a vow - just something on the bucket list.)
 
cardboard_house

cardboard_house

he/him | slowly rotting away inside
Sep 17, 2023
29
To my family's dismay, I love physics. Everytime my wife asks me why something happened, I can usually explain it to her in physics terms. 🙃 But unfortunately, my high school math is like your piano playing - a little rusty. If I can ever escape from my work hell, I'd like to brush up on my math and statistics, and start doing some AI work. (Sorry team, not a vow - just something on the bucket list.)
Sounds like that would be really nice. I hope you manage to do that some day. I feel like physics in unnecessarily unpopular, I really enjoy it.
 
sadwriter

sadwriter

Member
Aug 29, 2023
20
Hey guys, I’m back

I’m not fully here right now so I don’t have the energy to give everyone proper replies but i wanted to drop back in and wish everyone well.

I’m not doing great. Been really depressed as well as dissociative and feel like my life isn’t real and my dreams feel realer than my reality. I’m lacking the motivation to get back to my baseline emotional state because I know I’ll be right back where i am now before long. The good news is that the fruit flies have disappeared somehow even though I didn’t even finish cleaning, and I’ve also built a bunch of furniture that’s been sitting around in the boxes for weeks.

Also, thank you for your kind & motivational words the other day, @UsagiDrop. It was just what I needed in that moment.

I’ll be back again soon!
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
109
Thank you a lot. I was having a bit of a rough time today of falling back into the routine of go to school, work all day, spend all the rest of my time doing homework and wake up tired anyways. Your message really touched me, and it made me feel a lot better.
I’m happy that I was able to help at all. The beginning of the school year is always a drag, but I can imagine that with grief piled on top it must be even worse. I hope that today was better. How did your test go?

Also, if it’s possible, I really think you should make time for the more meaningful things in your life! I personally kind of dislike when people tell me to “make time” for anything even though I know it’s theoretically possible to do so, I cringed a little typing it. I hope that doesn’t sound annoying, because if the things you do already drain you, then I don’t want to make you feel pressured or forced into carving more time out of your day. But what I do mean to say, probably, is that I hope you can find some time for the things you love. It’s really beneficial. I think.

I’m currently also stuck in that go to work > go home > go to work cycle and I really hate it. Compared to HS and college, there’s a lot more freedom but somehow more monotony. I just know that it sucks, “making time” for my hobbies and stuff is really hard especially when I’m going through the motions and I don’t want the same for you. I hope you will have time and energy to do the things that are meaningful to you, whether it’s practicing piano, learning physics or reminiscing about your cat.

But what you’re doing now is still meaningful, btw. Getting out of bed, alone, is a meaningful action.
@UsagiDrop , thank you for your kind words. You have a way of making people feel better with your words - a gift. Im sure its appreciated by the entire group.
Aww, this was really amazing to read. I worry a lot about my interactions with others and I’m happy that I could really help anyone at all. Thank you!

I’m really sorry to hear about you having to leave the chat, but if it was an accidental trigger, it’s good to take that step back. I’m also really sorry to hear that therapy and medication kind of has you in a stump right now. I think that’s normal, and if the problem persists maybe you can adjust your prescription? Either way, it’s alright to simply just exist for a while. We’re happy that you’re existing right now!

And thank you for the advice about the alcohol. I’m definitely going to take it. I didn’t drink yesterday and had a lot of troubles staying asleep. Made me realize how much I had been relying on it this past year.
Not saying this is the case for you, but it is often misdiagnosed as bipolar or BPD; with that said, excaberation exists and can make those conditions that much more debilitating.
I've had terrible luck with birth control and SSRIs, the two main treatments, but they do work for some people. Aside from that, I've heard of Magnesium, B vitamins, Vitex/chasteberry, evening primrose and DIM being anecdotally helpful.
I meant to reply to this in the last post but I forgot, because it was on the previous page. I actually didn’t know some of this! Thank you for making me aware, this was really informative. I do want to try out Magnesium, and B vitamins have helped me manage my mood in the past so I could see how it would help with PMDD. It’s especially interesting to hear that it could be misdiagnosed as bipolar or BPD, though. I know there’s already quite a bit of overlap in between the two (three?) BPDs, and lately I’ve been wanting to get a second opinion whenever I can. I think it will still be bipolar, but the more I read and research (and observe), the more I feel like my symptoms may align with borderline… 😅

I think I would be a little happier to hear that it’s just PMDD, haha.

I know that you said you’re having a bad month. I hope that things are slowing down a little for you, and that you can enjoy at least a little peace of mind sometime.
Also, thank you for your kind & motivational words the other day, @UsagiDrop. It was just what I needed in that moment.
Any time! Thank you for checking in with us today. I’m sorry about how you’re feeling at the moment, I hope for better days for you because you deserve them.

Good job on getting rid of the flies and also assembling some of your furniture! It’s good that you found the will to do that while you haven’t been feeling well, and I know getting rid of the flies was a real relief. I have those gnats that come with plants and I hate them, my partner made a rookie mistake purchasing a plant and our home was suddenly full of them. I think they’re finally almost fully gone, every now and again I feel like I see one but more often than not it’s just my imagination.

No updates from me today, I’m just working on getting through it. I hope everyone else is well!
 
cardboard_house

cardboard_house

he/him | slowly rotting away inside
Sep 17, 2023
29
I’m happy that I was able to help at all. The beginning of the school year is always a drag, but I can imagine that with grief piled on top it must be even worse. I hope that today was better. How did your test go?

Also, if it’s possible, I really think you should make time for the more meaningful things in your life! I personally kind of dislike when people tell me to “make time” for anything even though I know it’s theoretically possible to do so, I cringed a little typing it. I hope that doesn’t sound annoying, because if the things you do already drain you, then I don’t want to make you feel pressured or forced into carving more time out of your day. But what I do mean to say, probably, is that I hope you can find some time for the things you love. It’s really beneficial. I think.

I’m currently also stuck in that go to work > go home > go to work cycle and I really hate it. Compared to HS and college, there’s a lot more freedom but somehow more monotony. I just know that it sucks, “making time” for my hobbies and stuff is really hard especially when I’m going through the motions and I don’t want the same for you. I hope you will have time and energy to do the things that are meaningful to you, whether it’s practicing piano, learning physics or reminiscing about your cat.

But what you’re doing now is still meaningful, btw. Getting out of bed, alone, is a meaningful action.
Aww, thank you so much. I think my test went pretty well. I complain about math, but I do think I'm pretty bright and I tend to do well on tests. I definitely am trying, and it's not too bad, but I've been getting so tired lately that I spend most of my time either working or sleeping. I also have a lot of homework and a few projects already, so I'm trying to make sure those are cleared up. But don't worry, it didn't sound annoying at all, it's only bothersome when it's someone who clearly has no intention of understanding what we're going through and just tries to patch up our feelings with words.

The work > home > work cycle really does suck. I'm sorry you also have to deal with that. I hope you manage to find some time for yourself without having to worry about your job some time soon.

A few updates for me. When she first went missing, we put up a few missing posters. There were a few that I noticed on my walk back home, so I took them down. It still doesn't really feel real that she's gone. I'm so used to seeing her that every corner I turn I expect her just to be there. It still feels so quiet in the house. We're going to go look at some kittens soon, they're fosters and we're looking to adopt some new kittens. I feel like it's the right thing to do, because we have a chance to give these little animals a better life. I also think it will help with my grieving. I have a project due tomorrow, so I'm just working on it, but otherwise, I have nothing to do over the weekend. I'm probably going to spend my time sleeping, playing the piano, and trying to plan out a memorial for Oreo. It'll hurt, but I think it will be nice. Until then, just going to keep working.
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
109
I have a project due tomorrow, so I'm just working on it, but otherwise, I have nothing to do over the weekend. I'm probably going to spend my time sleeping, playing the piano, and trying to plan out a memorial for Oreo. It'll hurt, but I think it will be nice. Until then, just going to keep working.
Oreo is such a lovely name for your cat. And I’m sure that the memorial will be beautiful, and it will likely be helpful for you as well. Is she the cat in your DP?

It’s great that you’re taking steps to deal with loss and grief so I’m hoping that all goes well. And of course, getting a new kitten sounds really exciting! It seems that you really love cats, so I have no doubts that they will have a very loving home and a better life. Initially, I wanted to ask if you were ever interested in getting another pet, but I felt like that was inappropriate somehow. I believe that’s a good next step, though. It would be really healing to you. Some people think of getting another pet after the loss of one is “replacing” them but I disagree, I think our pets would want us to house more beings like them and to give another animal a chance to experience the love they got while they were alive.

Good luck with your project, and everything else!
 
cardboard_house

cardboard_house

he/him | slowly rotting away inside
Sep 17, 2023
29
Oreo is such a lovely name for your cat. And I’m sure that the memorial will be beautiful, and it will likely be helpful for you as well. Is she the cat in your DP?

It’s great that you’re taking steps to deal with loss and grief so I’m hoping that all goes well. And of course, getting a new kitten sounds really exciting! It seems that you really love cats, so I have no doubts that they will have a very loving home and a better life. Initially, I wanted to ask if you were ever interested in getting another pet, but I felt like that was inappropriate somehow. I believe that’s a good next step, though. It would be really healing to you. Some people think of getting another pet after the loss of one is “replacing” them but I disagree, I think our pets would want us to house more beings like them and to give another animal a chance to experience the love they got while they were alive.

Good luck with your project, and everything else!
Yes, she is. I've also seen some people thinking that getting new pets so soon after losing one is trying to replace them, but I see it a bit differently. I think it gives you more opportunities to reminisce and form good memories even when you're at your lowest. Of course, I don't think it's heathy to look into getting new pets before you've processed your late pets' passing.

Thank you for the kind wishes, I hope things go well for you too.
 
HighFlight55

HighFlight55

Experienced
Jun 28, 2023
266
Hey everyone, thought I do a short post to keep things alive... it's late for me, so I'll try to respond to specific posts tomorrow.

This site is a mixed blessing. I feel welcomed into a social group. The stories from the various threads are all reminders that I am not alone while dealing with my issues. And the people in the thread have been amazingly supportive. :heart:

But I read every goodbye thread, and I can't help but to feel sad. Not that the person is ctb'ing, but life brought them to the point where they were forced to make that decision. Bad parents, physical and mental health issues, poor relationships, and the list goes on.

When I've interacted with any of them, there seems to be so much kindness. So much potential lost. 💔

I realize it's a little ironic given that I'm here working through my own issues. I support their right to choose, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad about everyone we lose.

At some point I will need to make a decision. However, I have decided I need to stick around until my kids are safe and on their own. My youngest just turned 20, and is still trying to find him own path through life. But he's healthy, in a good relationship, and is studying hard. The oldest is 22, but he's more fragile with his own MH issues. As a parent, I need to make sure they're on a positive path before I can write my own goodbye thread.

(So much for a short post...)
 
cardboard_house

cardboard_house

he/him | slowly rotting away inside
Sep 17, 2023
29
This site is a mixed blessing. I feel welcomed into a social group. The stories from the various threads are all reminders that I am not alone while dealing with my issues. And the people in the thread have been amazingly supportive. :heart:

But I read every goodbye thread, and I can't help but to feel sad. Not that the person is ctb'ing, but life brought them to the point where they were forced to make that decision. Bad parents, physical and mental health issues, poor relationships, and the list goes on.

When I've interacted with any of them, there seems to be so much kindness. So much potential lost. 💔

I realize it's a little ironic given that I'm here working through my own issues. I support their right to choose, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad about everyone we lose.

At some point I will need to make a decision. However, I have decided I need to stick around until my kids are safe and on their own. My youngest just turned 20, and is still trying to find him own path through life. But he's healthy, in a good relationship, and is studying hard. The oldest is 22, but he's more fragile with his own MH issues. As a parent, I need to make sure they're on a positive path before I can write my own goodbye thread.
I feel the same way. It's heartbreaking for me to read the goodbye threads on this cite, to imagune the pain these poor people have gone through because of the simple misfortune of being born. I can only wish that all their pain and hurt can be absolved oncee they return with the earth.

A little update about me. I've generally been doing pretty good. I've eaten, drank, and I got five hours of sleep last night, which was enough. I took a nap earlier, as well. It made me think that I never wanted to wake up, but my time hasn't come yet. I know. I've been trying to think back to the most prominent mories of Oreo, but I can only realize we didn't have enough time together. Cats live up to around 15 years old, usually, but hers was cut short. I know it was her time to go, I had even been thinking about it a lot in the preceding months. The unuverse knew that her time was limited, and I think it made me realuze that as well. I spent a lot of time with her over the summer, I was scared the entire time that one day she wouldn't be okay anymore. I just wish it wasn't so soon.

I only wish that I had more chances with her. That she had a little bit more time on this awful earth. I miss her deeply, so deeply. I feel it resonate within my soul, within the bonded atoms that make up my being. It permeates through all of me. But I can also feel her with me, and it almost feels like she never left. I still feel alone, I don't think I'll ever stop feeling alone, but it feels like there's a warmth, a kindness that wasn't there before. I don't think it feels as heartless.

I have been working on a song on piano. I've made good progress. I don't know how long it really is, but it feels like I spend hours sitting in that chair every day. I can feel my grief flowing out through the notes and the melodies.

That's it for me, though. I hope you're all doing well, and that today was at least a little better than yesterday.
 
UsagiDrop

UsagiDrop

“What a beautiful day to haunt the earth.”
Apr 27, 2023
109
However, I have decided I need to stick around until my kids are safe and on their own. My youngest just turned 20, and is still trying to find him own path through life. But he's healthy, in a good relationship, and is studying hard. The oldest is 22, but he's more fragile with his own MH issues. As a parent, I need to make sure they're on a positive path before I can write my own goodbye thread.
I think that your kids are very lucky to have you as a parent. It’s great that you care about them even when they’re in their twenties. For a lot of people, parenting stops when a kid turns eighteen. I will be really sad reading a goodbye thread from you in the future, but at least I would have the comfort of knowing that you’ve ensured you’ve lived until your purpose on this earth was fulfilled. I definitely know the feeling, even though I don’t and hopefully will never have children of my own.
I only wish that I had more chances with her. That she had a little bit more time on this awful earth.
Everything that you wrote about her was so beautiful! I’m so sad you didn’t have more time with her. Unfortunately, those that are the most important to us sometimes seem to have the least amount of time on this earth. It may have been cut short, but I’m sure she is grateful to have spent her limited time being loved by you. She must have been so happy!
my time hasn't come yet.
I think all three of us feel this way. Until our times come, let’s make the most of the time we have left! Or, at least try to, lol.

I woke up a lot earlier today. I usually sleep in until around 12-2pm. I wanted to get some deep cleaning done today. Like, behind the fridge and disassembling the oven deep cleaning. I never got it done that day that I said I would. My partner kept reassuring me that he would clean for my birthday. I don’t know why I keep giving him chances to disappoint me, lol, he’s not very helpful. It sucks to be the only person working and also the primary person that is taking care of the house. The last time I had the energy to clean was in April, before my parents came to assess my situation. Since then, my partner has made the apartment really grimy and gross and I’ve been doing my best to pick up after them and clean up enough so that we don’t get sick. I still get sores and patches of dry skin from all the dirt though, and I avoid eating because I feel sick knowing how gross everything usually is.

They leave food and dishes everywhere. All they do is put the dishes in the dishwasher and then I’m responsible for the rest of the deep cleaning, even though the arrangement was that I work and they take care of the house since they stay home all day. He knows that I don’t do well mentally and before moving in together, I told him that messy surroundings make matters worse for me. He doesn’t seem to really care sometimes, though. The water works come when I complain, and so does the self-depreciation from him, but nothing changes.

I really living with them. I don’t feel like a person anymore, just a robot that has a very convenient hole. I can’t wait for them to get what they want out of me so I can possibly write my own goodbye thread. At the very least, I could just be alone when it’s all done.

Wish me luck on the cleaning. 😅 And I hope you guys are doing okay, too!
 
HighFlight55

HighFlight55

Experienced
Jun 28, 2023
266
They leave food and dishes everywhere. All they do is put the dishes in the dishwasher and then I’m responsible for the rest of the deep cleaning, even though the arrangement was that I work and they take care of the house since they stay home all day.
Yup, this is pretty much like having kids... :pfff:

@UsagiDrop - thanks for the kind words. Parenting has been major contributor to my depression. I feel responsible for many of their issues. When they were little, my wife turned into a helicopter mom and started to ignore me. I, in turn, focused on my work cause my opinion didn't seem to matter. Now the boys are older and she's still a helicopter mom - always trying to solve their problems as opposed to letting then learn. If I was only more involved earlier... :aw:

And I totally get the deep cleaning part. She (we) have never made the kids do chores, and she'll only do the basic cleaning. The whole house needs a deep cleaning, but I can't do it alone and no one will help.

I have been working on a song on piano. I've made good progress. I don't know how long it really is, but it feels like I spend hours sitting in that chair every day. I can feel my grief flowing out through the notes and the melodies.
Is this a cardboard_house original? It's great that your finding some time for things you enjoy, and even better that it's helping with your grief.

We're going to go through this grief sometimes in the near future with at least our dog, but also possibly our cat too. The dog is sick with Cushing and they says she has less than a year. That was about 4 months ago. Our cat is getting old (12 or 13 years), and has been showing her age more and more each day. I don't think the family can lose both of them.

@cactusflower - how was your night out last week? I hope everything went well.

@sadwriter - glad the fruit flies are gone and you got some furniture built. How are you doing now?

@SolaceNight & @BurgundySnap - how have you been? We'd love to hear from everyone.

I really hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected. Peace :heart:
 
BurgundySnap

BurgundySnap

Sick of being sick
Jul 19, 2023
49
I have to say, this thread and this website are two of the most comforting things in my life. They mean so much right now. A lot of my online friends have been keeping their distances and essentially ignoring me lately. And recently, I found out that the topics I enjoy (moral philosophy, existentialism, things like that for example) are not the most enjoyable to friends (I can't blame them!), and I felt more alone. I do not have physical friends to come to my house or go to theirs, nor am I very able to go out and make friends due to physical limitations.
The fact that the people here are so understanding and kind...It does something to me. And, a bit selfishly, to see even one person acknowledge something I wrote or a post I made, it makes me feel welcomed. I feel like I am not being ignored anymore, and maybe this is what it feels like to be able to talk with friendly people like casual. As if I do not have to explain myself or give context. It is so refreshing and kind. And I find it so easy to be nice here because of that.

With that, there is a part of me inside who begins to burn up inside when I think of how nice you all are. I feel, if I can talk to that part and resonate with and calm them down, we can co-exist better. And I can figure out why it burns so much to be able to talk to you all so easily.
You, this thread, scratch an itch I did not know I had. When I feel hopeless, I remember I can come here. When I cannot come here, I miss this place.
To try to joke around: My days have been horrible, but when I am here, sometimes they are just terrible!

I suppose what I am trying to say is that I am grateful for all of this, and thank you. I'm not ignored or left behind anymore, I don't have to rush to catch up, and I don't have to fight to be seen as a peer. Reading posts here and seeing how life goes on no matter what says something. You have given me something I have wanted all my life, but could never have until this point: Normalcy. I won't take this for granted, now that I know what this is like.
It feels terribly lonely to be stuck. And I think, in this tar pit, I have finally managed to pick up one of my feet.
 
HighFlight55

HighFlight55

Experienced
Jun 28, 2023
266
It feels terribly lonely to be stuck. And I think, in this tar pit, I have finally managed to pick up one of my feet.
Without speaking for everyone, I think we know how lonely life can be, especially when you're feeling stuck. I'm glad we were able to help, if even a little, you to begin to get unstuck.

I share your feelings about this site and specifically this thread. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me, and being able to post a short message and get positive feedback kept me going.

(And I'd be happy to have a philosophical discussion with you anytime 😊)

Hope everyone is doing well.
 
BurgundySnap

BurgundySnap

Sick of being sick
Jul 19, 2023
49
Without speaking for everyone, I think we know how lonely life can be, especially when you're feeling stuck. I'm glad we were able to help, if even a little, you to begin to get unstuck.

I share your feelings about this site and specifically this thread. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me, and being able to post a short message and get positive feedback kept me going.

(And I'd be happy to have a philosophical discussion with you anytime 😊)

Hope everyone is doing well.
Thank you so much, HighFlight55. This means a lot that this is understood, it is beyond words really.

I'm so glad it keeps you going, it's wonderful to have some sort of positive feedback, I really do hope things will be okay at times. (And oh? Maybe I can PM you! If it is okay!)
 
cactusflower

cactusflower

here but not here
Apr 19, 2023
50
@HighFlight55 thank you for your kindness and consideration in keeping up with everyone's posts here!

The night I went out was actually really nice. I'm so glad I did it. I was able to build some rapport with coworkers, and I actually helped out with some trivia questions (It was trivia night at a pub). It was nice and I'm definitely gonna be going again when they plan to go next time.

Other than that life has been kind of meh. My mom's relationship with me has turned sour and I'm not really sure what to do. It hurts me a lot knowing that she doesn't want to change despite having expressed that sentiment before. I don't know if I should try reaching out to her or not.

I've been having a lot of disturbing dreams lately... my sleeping schedule is very effed up right now so it may be contributing to that in some way... I take my medications also super late in the day which is unadvisable by my psychiatrist. I dunno... I am deeply disturbed by some of the stuff that has happened though. Other than that though, I feel pretty indifferent to everything else in life rn. In fact, maybe felt a little joy.

I hope everyone is doing well. It's so nice to have a little group here with a mutual desire of wanting something better in life despite the circumstances that lead us to this website : ) 💜
 
SolaceNight

SolaceNight

Member
Sep 17, 2023
5
Yup, this is pretty much like having kids... :pfff:

@UsagiDrop - thanks for the kind words. Parenting has been major contributor to my depression. I feel responsible for many of their issues. When they were little, my wife turned into a helicopter mom and started to ignore me. I, in turn, focused on my work cause my opinion didn't seem to matter. Now the boys are older and she's still a helicopter mom - always trying to solve their problems as opposed to letting then learn. If I was only more involved earlier... :aw:

And I totally get the deep cleaning part. She (we) have never made the kids do chores, and she'll only do the basic cleaning. The whole house needs a deep cleaning, but I can't do it alone and no one will help.


Is this a cardboard_house original? It's great that your finding some time for things you enjoy, and even better that it's helping with your grief.

We're going to go through this grief sometimes in the near future with at least our dog, but also possibly our cat too. The dog is sick with Cushing and they says she has less than a year. That was about 4 months ago. Our cat is getting old (12 or 13 years), and has been showing her age more and more each day. I don't think the family can lose both of them.

@cactusflower - how was your night out last week? I hope everything went well.

@sadwriter - glad the fruit flies are gone and you got some furniture built. How are you doing now?

@SolaceNight & @BurgundySnap - how have you been? We'd love to hear from everyone.

I really hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected. Peace :heart:
Oh yes i forgot to reply. If i can tell, i failed at CTB,and as i failed my mother disowned me the next day. Turns out a suicidal trans atheist autistic daughter was too much. But it was a good thing now that she is gone i found its easier to work on me free of her negative comments. I got medicated again, don't like it so much but its ok i guess. Now i am trying to figure out what i want to do with life, what makes me happy and learning how to use my time efficiently. What about you gentleman? EDIT: i would also love to hear from you 🖤
 
HighFlight55

HighFlight55

Experienced
Jun 28, 2023
266
Oh yes i forgot to reply. If i can tell, i failed at CTB,and as i failed my mother disowned me the next day. Turns out a suicidal trans atheist autistic daughter was too much.
Thank you for letting us know how things are going with you. I am so sorry life brought you to this point, and even more sorry for your mom's reaction. If you ask me, a suicidal trans atheist autistic woman would be a very interesting person met and get to know (in a positive way).

Not to take your mom's side, but it sounds like she reached her own limit. I'm having to deal with a similar situation with my son who has a variety of issues himself. He's not currently suicidal, but has been in the past. As kids get older, it can become frustrating for parents as our options to help decrease. But I could never give up on my son. I hope your mom just needed a temporary break.

And if you want to talk about your attempt, we're here for you. (I'm open to PM if you'd like.) If not, no pressure...

But I'm glad you're finding some happiness in looking at the future. Any ideas of what you're interested in?

As for me, my Groundhog Day life continues. Pretty boring, unless you count the "discussion" I had with my mom because HGTV aired a show renovating a home in the neighborhood she grew up in. She liked the show, but was upset with the fact that the renovation was done by a gay couple, one of whom is a teacher in the city schools. I realize it was different back then, but why can to treat people with respect and dignity. What a surprise it will be if my son ever openly comes out of the closet. ( I suspect he's quietly questioning, but it doesn't matter to me -as long as he's happy.)

Otherwise, it's just the normal work stress,
Isolation, depression, etc. Like I said - Groundhog Day. The only good news is I'm planning another ketamine session October 6. Hopefully, it won't mess with my mind like the last one.

Wishing everyone a great day (ok, maybe a good day, or slightly better than yesterday day).

Peace :heart: