Yup, this is pretty much like having kids...
This gave me a chuckle. I realize this, and it's part of why I dislike our arrangement so much. It kind of feels like I was put in a position I've been trying to avoid at all costs. But the good news is that like with children, it springs my partner into action when I'm angry. That same day, when he woke up, I aired my grievances. It was hard, but I didn't blow up at him or anything, and a lot of cleaning was actually done without my involvement. I'll still have to do the deep stuff but with all the basics out of the way, that will be a ton easier.
Keeping up a house while having mental health issues can be so hard. At least we're all not alone in that department though.
I feel responsible for many of their issues.
I don't understand this feeling personally but I feel empathy for you when you say this. I imagine that being a parent is an indescribably difficult job, but also the most important one you take on. It might be easy to fall into the pit of lamenting what you did or didn't do in the past. As an adult kid, I'm trying really hard to see my mom now as a human being and not the superhuman I viewed her as growing up. There are things she definitely did wrong, things I definitely suffered for and because of. But I'm trying to recognize that she did all of what anyone else could do: her best. And it really wasn't all bad.
I guess I might be kind of a bad example because I'm struggling so much that I found myself here. But if my demons ever won, I wouldn't blame her for any of it despite the mistakes she made, I would thank her for giving me the life she thought was good for me because she never got it herself. I think your kids will have the same compassion for you. If they don't already have it, they'll figure it out soon. And in the meantime, you can only make up for the past by what you do in the present. Maybe your voice and opinion matters more now than it did when you couldn't speak up in the past.
The only good news is I'm planning another ketamine session October 6.
I hope this one goes better than the last! Fingers crossed for no bad trips.
If i can tell, i failed at CTB,and as i failed my mother disowned me the next day. Turns out a suicidal trans atheist autistic daughter was too much. But it was a good thing now that she is gone i found its easier to work on me free of her negative comments.
I'm very sorry to hear about your failed attempt. Coming back from one of those is never easy, so thank you for finding it in you to update us about your situation. I'm also really happy you felt safe enough to open up even a little bit!
It's sad that things had to happen this way. I'm sure it's preferable for your mother to stay in your life, but honestly, it's a lot better for the people who don't accept us to move out of the way and make room for all of the people who can come into our lives and fill us with all of the love and acceptance we could ever need and ask for, and then some. I agree with HighFlight and I hope that she just needed a break; parents, friends, family members, spouses and partners— all of the people on the other side of us are still humans and they're allowed to have their breaking points, and to choose who gets to stay in their life or not, no matter how unjust or unkind it can be. That's just the way it is. But if that day never comes, if she never opens her arms to you again, that will be okay too.
The cycle you're in sounds brutal and I often find myself thinking "what is the point?" a lot, too. I'm not very passionate about anything. I engage in my hobbies to pass time and have something to do so that I don't go out of my mind, but even that's a good reason to have them. So I want to encourage you to keep at your hobbies and to keep going toward your goals. It may take you into your mid or late twenties to get where you want to be, but so what? As long as you're making the decision to live, those years will roll by anyway, and imo you should be doing everything that your heart tells you to do. When those years pass, I don't think you'll care about how long it took you. On the contrary, you might be happy to have some progress to look back on!
In the end i just want to be a artistic happy girl.
I think that you already are an artistic girl. It's just that you aren't the artistic girl that you envision yet, and there is lots of time left to breathe life into her.
My mom's relationship with me has turned sour and I'm not really sure what to do. It hurts me a lot knowing that she doesn't want to change despite having expressed that sentiment before. I don't know if I should try reaching out to her or not.
It breaks my heart that this mom thing was sort of a theme last week. I'm really sorry to hear this, I can just imagine how much that hurts. You have a place here to vent if you ever need it.
I hope that she is just frustrated for now, too, and that she will realize a change is needed in whatever area it's needed in. As for if you should try reaching out, you should do what's best for you on your own time, when you're ready to do it. There's no rush to get back in contact with her if it's still touchy right now. But if that is going to be an action that will negatively impact your mental wellbeing, I hope that you will consider yourself first before anything else.
Beyond that, I'm happy to hear about the little bits of joy you've been able to find lately!
actual update: this place is cathartic and has kept me level most of the day. ive found some motivation and encouragement to try some hobbies that have helped me in the past.
You, this thread, scratch an itch I did not know I had. When I feel hopeless, I remember I can come here. When I cannot come here, I miss this place.
It's so nice to have a little group here with a mutual desire of wanting something better in life despite the circumstances that lead us to this website : )
I'm really happy that we all share the same sentiments in this little group of ours. It is really nice to have a community, even though it's not nice what we're all here for. Sometimes it's a little scary because at any time, anyone in our group can leave, me included, and I don't have a desire to do anything else but to accept that. But as long as we're here, it's nice to have the common goal of trying to make our time a little better and of helping each other as much as we can.
@lita-lassi I really hope that you keep at your hobbies, too! Encouragement is always here when you need it.
@BurgundySnap I want to let you know that community is always here when you need it, as well. It makes me happy that this place makes you feel a little less lonely and a lot more welcomed.
This post is already very long and my fingers hurt but there was a lot to catch up on. I haven't had a lot of energy these past few days, but I have been successful in waking up earlier. I pulled my cards today; they told me to find a little bit of joy in the day, that a transformation is coming. I immediately started to journal about how impossible it felt to find joy when I hate this job so much, and when I was about to go and put a shift in. I keep searching for a job (I will probably send some applications when I'm done typing, or before I go to bed) and it seems like there is no end in sight to this era of misery in my life, lol.
Well, my manager got in contact with me and told me that the boss of the company (I hate him the most) has seen me come late a few weeks ago and demanded that I be put back on probation or to cut back my hours. I suspect this either has something to do with the fact that he hits hard drugs on a Tuesday or he wants to make more time/an opening for the many new employees he hired with no place to put them. He's already scapegoating me, so I know that there's a possibility he will find a reason to fire me regardless of anything else. I'm not interested in being a slave for his cooperation that he uses to farm money and mistreat the vulnerable, so I'm not putting in any extra effort to avoid that. I'll just turn up the heat on my search and try harder, but I found a little bit of joy in the fact that I have one less day to work now. It's less money, but I can do more saving. It's not like they pay me properly anyway. I never got paid for the holidays I worked, and they screw up my hours and give me $100 less routinely. I hope this is the push toward something better.
Thank you guys for keeping this space alive for me to vent in and thank you x2 if you actually read this long wall of text that I'm scared to post lol.