"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[Draxolotl]

missed checking in yesterday, was working overtime.
cried at the doctor's office and suddenly she was significantly more compassionate in care, so a plus, but embarassing..kind of tears that well up and spill without sobbing.
Haven't slept since sunday. was hallucinating last night; shadow figures passing my doorway and hearing voices and music. Really distressed. Gunna lay down and order groceries so I can eat later.
accidentally trauma dumped on a friend, though it seemed to really put things into perspective why "All days come to an end. Good ones and bad. But when the bad ones end, they pave the way for good ones. Just gotta do what you can, keep on rolling, and the good days will come sooner then you think" isn't particularly inspiring to me.
like, i live in extreme isolation. sometimes go 3 or more days without seeing another human physically, and it's been proven to cause significant damage to the psyche, and then i have the disabled shit on top of it.
started developing negative symptoms of schizophrenia at 13 years old.
first was flat affect. i was physically unable to make facial expressions. I didnt learn how to smile until I was 22
but at the same time, I'm just so fucking burnt out from having to be disabled every single day.
this isnt fun or very cool or like uwu special, and I'm REALLY kinda fed up with folks treating mental health like a magic power or gift.
I do not "see angles uwu" or "hear the guiding voices of my ancestors" I'm tired and cranky and see distressing visions that act more like a nuisance because I understand they're not real because I'm not stupid nor brainwashed by local religion.
It's a chore.

 

[HighFlight55]

A warm welcome to our new friends! @jar-baby and @bluesoapyskies

My apologies for going quiet the past few days, but I caught a virus and have not been feeling well. I was able to have my ketamine therapy session on Friday, and have added my notes to a separate thread in this forum. I'm not sure how much it is help or hurting, but has been an interesting journey. Time will tell.

Starting Ketamine Treatments

 

[bluesoapyskies]

A warm welcome to our new friends! @jar-baby and @bluesoapyskies

My apologies for going quiet the past few days, but I caught a virus and have not been feeling well. I was able to have my ketamine therapy session on Friday, and have added my notes to a separate thread in this forum. I'm not sure how much it is help or hurting, but has been an interesting journey. Time will tell.

Starting Ketamine Treatments

yes please do keep updating on the ketamine. im interested in seeing the short/long term effects it has. hope you feel better soon.

 

[jar-baby]

A warm welcome to our new friends! @jar-baby and @bluesoapyskies

My apologies for going quiet the past few days, but I caught a virus and have not been feeling well. I was able to have my ketamine therapy session on Friday, and have added my notes to a separate thread in this forum. I'm not sure how much it is help or hurting, but has been an interesting journey. Time will tell.

Starting Ketamine Treatments

I hope that over time the sessions help 🫂

 

[BurgundySnap]

Glad you’re here 🩷

I’m glad you felt welcome, that’s what I had in mind 🤓

Wishing you the best with your mid-terms

You’re more whan welcome here & also writing the vow if you want 🫂

Take care

Welcome 🫂🌟

🫶🏼🤌🏼

I’m sorry to hear that dear friend. How are you now? Is it a little better?

It seems we’ve had some rough days. @HighFlight55 is also not feeling that great.

I hope we get to feel better

Talk to you soon🫶🏼

Hello, venin. It caught me by surprise to hear you use the word friend, and I think I like having friends.
I am better mentally, thank you very much. My nerves are not better, but I will adapt to this.

I hope that HighFlight55’s days can be alleviated one day. Sending well wishes to everyone, may there be good moments to balance out the bad things, even for short moments.

And you too, venin. Perhaps in the future, things will be different.
May we never take the moments of reprieve for granted.

A warm welcome to our new friends! @jar-baby and @bluesoapyskies

My apologies for going quiet the past few days, but I caught a virus and have not been feeling well. I was able to have my ketamine therapy session on Friday, and have added my notes to a separate thread in this forum. I'm not sure how much it is help or hurting, but has been an interesting journey. Time will tell.

Starting Ketamine Treatments

Many well wishes for you and your health, HighFlight55. It is never anything to apologise for, please don’t worry.
Your journey does indeed sound interesting, I do hope something of it helps.

Best wishes

 

[sadwriter]

Hey all. I'm new on this site. Too emotionally exhausted to say much but I'm hoping to get better. As hopeless as everything feels I really want to believe that I'm capable of overcoming my mental health BS.

Anyway, nice to meet you all and feel better, HighFlight55!

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hey all. I'm new on this site. Too emotionally exhausted to say much but I'm hoping to get better. As hopeless as everything feels I really want to believe that I'm capable of overcoming my mental health BS.

Anyway, nice to meet you all and feel better, HighFlight55!

Hello, welcome to the site, @sadwriter !

It is completely fine to not say much. No worries, as they say! I hope you can get better too, please take care.

 

[HighFlight55]

Hello and thank you @sadwriter,

You are strong enough to overcome if you choose to. The choice is yours to make. And we're here for you if you need to talk.

I wish you all the best on your journey.

 

[venin]

I just adore this song. Maybe it will also give you a glimmer of… hope

 

[stillunemployed]

started therapy today. didnt really expect anything, but it was okay.
She didnt seem malicious and was seemingly interested in helping me.
i feel drained now. I said what i wanted to say, that i have trouble focusing and i really NEED to focus so i can re-qualify and educate and better retain information.
Also that i want and NEED to forget my father and finally learn how to think forward and start taking care of myself.

 

[heavyeyes]

I'm sorry for not checking in. My mental state is starting to get much worse. I've started planning ctb again. It brings me some comfort to know I have a way out. If I lived alone I would've been out of here when I got my SN months ago. I know I said I would do a few things before leaving but I just don't think it's possible. I'm too broken inside and out. I'm tired of suffering. It's impossible for me to move forward with the way my brain is. It's far too late.

I have to buy a couple of things (antiemetics, a scale, cups, etc) but I'll do it slowly in the next few months. Mostly because of financial reasons and also because I don’t want to look suspicious buying so many things at once. Once I have everything I can plan how and when I'm going to get to a hotel.

I don't know if I'll be checking in at all as I don't have the energy to do much, I can't be positive, and I'm not going to recover

I hope you're all doing well. Thanks for being here. I feel a little better knowing this is such a supportive community. Please take care <3

 

[sadwriter]

I just adore this song. Maybe it will also give you a glimmer of… hope

Wow that woman has a gorgeous voice!

 

[HighFlight55]

@heavyeyes , I'm sorry to hear that you've taken a turn for the worse. And thank you for your concern for us, but right now we're concerned about you. Know that we wish you all the best and are here for you if you want to talk.

@stillunemployed , glad to here your therapy went well. It sounds like we share a few things in common - trouble focusing, and issues with dad. I lost my father about 2 years ago, and learned more about him from a one page will than I knew my entire life. Parents are difficult. I hope you can find peace with yours.

 

[heavyeyes]

@heavyeyes , I'm sorry to hear that you've taken a turn for the worse. And thank you for your concern for us, but right now we're concerned about you. Know that we wish you all the best and are here for you if you want to talk.

It's alright. It'll be over soon enough. Thank you for the support ❤

 

[venin]

Wow that woman has a gorgeous voice!

❤️ I love her. You should also listen to Waking Up

I'm sorry for not checking in. My mental state is starting to get much worse. I've started planning ctb again. It brings me some comfort to know I have a way out. If I lived alone I would've been out of here when I got my SN months ago. I know I said I would do a few things before leaving but I just don't think it's possible. I'm too broken inside and out. I'm tired of suffering. It's impossible for me to move forward with the way my brain is. It's far too late.

I have to buy a couple of things (antiemetics, a scale, cups, etc) but I'll do it slowly in the next few months. Mostly because of financial reasons and also because I don’t want to look suspicious buying so many things at once. Once I have everything I can plan how and when I'm going to get to a hotel.

I don't know if I'll be checking in at all as I don't have the energy to do much, I can't be positive, and I'm not going to recover

I hope you're all doing well. Thanks for being here. I feel a little better knowing this is such a supportive community. Please take care <3

We love you and you’re always welcome. Even if writing just a dot and we will react to it… really❤️
I also have been feeling really bad… trying to go to therapy daily, changing my psychiatrist cause the meds don’t do shit…

But still holding on with the pinky…

I hope you are better my loved ones…

🫂

 

[stillunemployed]

so i did my walk today and tried running. its a regular thing now, a real need for at least 2 hours of physical activity.

its nice.

im not sure i want to do more therapy. she suggested i see a psychiatrist and get a full examination and take meds, which i dont want to do.
i am very averse to playing another side effect lottery and then the detox for whatever cocktail ill be proscribed.
also my broken brain is interpreting this as the therapist getting scared and trying to pass me off to someone else, which is a regular thing in my life.

i just dont want to feel so fucked anymore.

 

[dead_milky]

Does anyone have suggestions? I was thinking about making the pact (well, writing it) and then every one of us writes here or we make a chat and describes how his/her day went.

Let me know what you think 🌞

sounds like a fun idea

 

[eatyouryoung]

Hi, I'm new to the site. I've not been doing well in the last few weeks and just want to get away from toxic positivity. I'm autistic and suffer from extreme loneliness. My C-PTSD doesn't help either. I go to therapy currently but not sure how long I can afford it + I want to avoid psych ward if I tell my therapist that I do in fact seriously consider ctb (not a good experience). I think I just want a place to check it where I can openly talk about suicidal thoughts and find support to maybe finally recover somehow; I've been feeling like this on and off for over 10 years but my last (botched pain-killer) attempt was six years ago.

I managed to go to a library today and went through a bit of my textbook so that's a good day I guess. The brain fog was annoying but it was at least somehow productive.

 

[sadwriter]

Welcome @eatyouryoung ! While I'm not on the spectrum myself, I feel you re the extreme loneliness; mental health issues can be really isolating, and I can imagine that it must be even worse when your brain works differently than everyone else's in that way. This thread is definitely a great place to seek out support so you've come to the right place!

I also feel you on the brain fog. Are you in school right now? I'm finishing up college and being unable to think straight because of depression/ dissociation has been the bane of my existence. Good on you for being able to be productive, though.


In other news... currently mourning the loss of my 70 or 80 posts made throughout September & mostly the ones I made on this thread 😭. That server crash really sucked. It's so depressing to see the past week & change of the thread completely lost...

 

[UsagiDrop]

Welcome to the site and the pact, @eatyouryoung !

I think I just want a place to check it where I can openly talk about suicidal thoughts and find support to maybe finally recover somehow; I've been feeling like this on and off for over 10 years but my last (botched pain-killer) attempt was six years ago.

Although it’s sad that you’ve found your way here, I’m happy that you’ve found this place. Venting here without the usual platitudes that people in the wild will shove down your throat, and without the fear of being committed against your will, is certainly very beneficial. I’m sure that you will find lots of support here, starting in this thread. I wish you luck in your journey to recover, therapy is a great first step so I hope that you can continue for some time. We’re here for you if you need encouragement or just to talk.

Also, botched pain killer failed attempt gang! Mine was over ten years ago now. I think.

I managed to go to a library today and went through a bit of my textbook so that's a good day I guess. The brain fog was annoying but it was at least somehow productive.

It’s wonderful that you’ve been productive. Just getting out of bed can be difficult for people like us, so I’m proud of you for getting something done for yourself, despite the brain fog. I’m hoping I can be productive today too, honestly.

How are you guys? @parader @HighFlight55 @BurgundySnap and anybody else that I’ve seen recently in this thread whose usernames elude me right now… 😅

It looks like we survived the website being down yesterday, although we lost many posts. Yesterday, I had a really good day. That new restaurant that I wanted to try out turned out to be really good, and afterwards, I went bowling with my partner. I lost twice, but I got a strike three times. A win is a win.

Today, I’m trying to be productive and clean up my home. I started, got grumpy, and now I’m trying to relax so that I can continue this arduous task lol.

In other news... currently mourning the loss of my 70 or 80 posts made throughout September & mostly the ones I made on this thread 😭. That server crash really sucked. It's so depressing to see the past week & change of the thread completely lost...

Yikes, that’s a lot of posts! I don’t even know how many I lost but probably not much. I just remember being so proud to finally have 100 posts, haha. Maybe we’ll get them back? It is sad to see how many posts this thread lost, tbh. There were so many good ones, but we can still just make more even if the old ones don’t come back.

I’m happy to see you around though! I hope you’re having a good day.

 

[sadwriter]

Yikes, that’s a lot of posts! I don’t even know how many I lost but probably not much. I just remember being so proud to finally have 100 posts, haha. Maybe we’ll get them back? It is sad to see how many posts this thread lost, tbh. There were so many good ones, but we can still just make more even if the old ones don’t come back.

Yeah, to be fair a large chunk of them were from the arcade so it's not like I lost 70 posts of great substance! But it was lame to see the number go down so much. I was gonna use my check-ins in this thread from the past week to help remember how I was feeling for this mental health log thing that I do (it helps me feel less disoriented after coming out of a dissociative state, among other reasons) but now I guess I'll have to go by memory.

That sounds really fun re: your day yesterday, though. Good luck with cleaning up your home! I have to do the same today... it's an absolute mess.

 

[eatyouryoung]

Thank you for the welcome messages! I'm so glad I found my way here!

I also feel you on the brain fog. Are you in school right now? I'm finishing up college and being unable to think straight because of depression/ dissociation has been the bane of my existence. Good on you for being able to be productive, though.

I'm in uni (Law), now starting my second year at 24 years old. I feel like a failure because where I live you're supposed to be done with your studies at this age. But I try to keep going. I totally feel you on the depression/dissociation issues, it's a major problem for me as well, every exam preparation takes longer, I can't remember anything a lecturer has said two hours later... I guess we can both be proud that we are sticking around and pushing forward against all odds. Feel free to hmu if you need some college peer support.

It’s wonderful that you’ve been productive. Just getting out of bed can be difficult for people like us, so I’m proud of you for getting something done for yourself, despite the brain fog. I’m hoping I can be productive today too, honestly.

I really feel that. I've spent most of the time in my bed in the last few months anyway. I really suffer from the heat, my eyes start watering when there's direct sunlight and I tend to faint at high temperatures because of my low blood pressure. But today was a good day after a series of bad days. I sincerely hope that your day brings you motivation and productivity as well.

Today, I’m trying to be productive and clean up my home. I started, got grumpy, and now I’m trying to relax so that I can continue this arduous task lol.

Taking care of my flat is a real challenge for me as well, I almost never get to it, I get grumpy as well. Sending you strength for the task, I hope you found a good activity to relax to

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hello, welcome @eatyouryoung ! Sorry to hear you have not been doing too well. I hope this place can be a good place for you to talk openly, wishing you well.

I am not doing very well recently. Some final talks a friend and I had were wiped in the website data loss, and I see how easy it is to lose a lot. I’m grateful that nothing too horrible seemed to happen, so it might be a bit selfish to be affected by message loss.
Maybe it can all be okay one day in another opinion; for now, I think I should stay away for a few days. My mind is cloudy, and it is hard to be anything other than somber and sullen now.

Take care, I hope things can perhaps be okay for others in this thread

 

[HighFlight55]

Hello everyone, and welcome @eatyouryoung!

I'm sorry I'm not in a place mentally right now that I can give you a better welcome, but do share the sediments that @UsagiDrop, @BurgundySnap and @sadwriter already wrote.

It's been a tough few days as I prepare to travel for a large corporate social event this week. While I'm looking forward to seeing some people, my overall anxiety is high, and I'm afraid my SAD will kick in during event.

Also, I'm aware that we have lost posts and messages due to the technical issues over the past few days. I've felt so helpless during this time, watching the chat on Discord and not being able to do anything. I hope everyone has made it back safely, and look forward to our continued conversations and support.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

I don’t use the site too often anymore, for a variety of reasons, but I’ve read through much of this thread and I enjoy it a lot. I’m here because I struggle with PMDD(premenstrual dysphoric disorder) for years and my general health, enough that I haven’t been able to commit to work/education/misc opportunities. I’m currently in a phase of burnout/dysfunction after a period of hope. Typical cycle for me, but never gets any easier.

I’m writing here because I have a real reason or rather need to recover now, and I cannot fail. I would like to join the group here. I’ve severed all but one of my connections due to sabotaging, low energy, or isolating, so I feel it’d be nice to stick around and offer support when I can. I‘m terrible with commitments, and I still somehow get massive anxiety about posting anywhere, but I’ll try to check the thread semi frequently.

I hope everyone is doing okay, or better than bad. ❤️

 

[UsagiDrop]

I am not doing very well recently. Some final talks a friend and I had were wiped in the website data loss, and I see how easy it is to lose a lot.

Thank you for checking in, I’m happy to see you around. But I’m also really sad to hear that you’ve lost something that I could imagine was very precious to you in the data loss. It really is sad how easily we can lose these kinds of things. That being said, I don’t think that the way you are feeling is selfish at all. You’re grieving, so I would say you’re justified in feeling sadness over the loss of something like that. Two things can be true at once; you can be sad about your personal loss, but grateful that nothing horrible happened to the forum.

Take all the time you need; I hope that you take care of yourself and eventually begin to feel better.

I'm afraid my SAD will kick in during event.

Fingers crossed that this doesn’t happen! Please keep us updated when you can and feel up to it. It’s completely understandable why you’re feeling anxious, with all things considered, but I’m really hoping that you can enjoy the event when you go. Also, safe travels!

Welcome to the pact @ColorlessTrees !

I’m here because I struggle with PMDD(premenstrual dysphoric disorder) for years and my general health, enough that I haven’t been able to commit to work/education/misc opportunities. I’m currently in a phase of burnout/dysfunction after a period of hope. Typical cycle for me, but never gets any easier.

I think that I share this struggle with you, even though I haven’t gotten diagnosed with PMDD from a doctor or anything. Some time last year I just got very angry at my job, I couldn’t focus and every little mistake I made was making me want to throw things at the wall. Every time someone talked to me, I was annoyed as hell for no reason. I was crying because I couldn’t do anything else with all of my anger and I didn’t know why this was even happening, so I started aggressively googling and trying to find out what the heck was wrong with me lol. And eventually, when I picked up on the pattern of when I experienced the mood swings and random pains, it immediately made sense.

Then I found out about PMDD, and I was both shocked and relieved it had a name and everything. I’m already diagnosed with bipolar, so I thought those intense mood swings just had something to do with that. I guess it just compounds it all though, but my ideation and depression shoot up dramatically at very specific times, very regularly. I don’t know how I maintain a job or anything when I feel dysfunctional for three weeks out of the month, I think it definitely comes at the cost of myself because I put the little energy I have into faking normalcy so I can keep up with that sector of my life.

All this venting about myself is to say that I know it honestly, truly sucks! I’m sorry that you deal with it too. There is no shame in your cycle, it’s completely understandable how you got here and the things that are happening to you. I hope that on your journey in recovery, you can find your way out of the cycle one day. I’m proud of you for taking the first steps no matter how small they are. I’m also wishing you the best in everything!

I’m terrible with commitments, and I still somehow get massive anxiety about posting anywhere, but I’ll try to check the thread semi frequently.

I also feel you on this, I have anxiety posting to most places and certainly places everyone can just see. I hesitated to commit to this thread for a long time too, haha, I think I came around only a few days ago. It’s okay not to update every day, but I hope you will update when you can and when you’re able. Or, you can just react to our posts if you’re reading, that’s always an option. But we would love to hear more from you more.

 

[eatyouryoung]

I'm afraid my SAD will kick in during event.

Hi @HighFlight55 I wish you the best of luck for the event. It might be for different reason but networking events and such are the biggest of nightmares to me, I totally understand your anxiety and am sending you strength and calm.

I struggle with PMDD(premenstrual dysphoric disorder) for years and my general health, enough that I haven’t been able to commit to work/education/misc opportunities.

I struggle with PMDD too. The last few days of each cycle are like hell to me. I do a little celebration when the time to bleed finally comes It's fucked up that so little is researched about this. I just got belittled when trying to search some help for the symptoms.

I’m writing here because I have a real reason or rather need to recover now, and I cannot fail.

Thank you for coming here, I hope we can support you on your journey


My brain is really foggy today and I feel very tired, sorry that my responses are so short. I'm thinking that maybe it isn't "just" depression but that I have some sort of nutritional deficiency as well. It would make sense, I haven't been eating well. I just have zero motivation to go see a doctor, maybe I'll have a good moment in the next few days and can do a blood test. We'll see.

I told a friend we can meet today and I'll try to get there, I think it would be good for me.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I feel like a failure because where I live you're supposed to be done with your studies at this age. But I try to keep going.

I forgot to respond to this even though I wanted to, so while I’m still up, I will. It’s really sad that we lost so much, both in this thread and on the forum. There was a thread that talked about this topic, feeling like a failure or “behind” in life because you’re taking longer than usual to complete your studies, for whatever reason. We even talked about it a little bit in this thread. I wish those posts were still here.

I want to say that you’re definitely not a failure. Your feelings are real and valid, and it’s normal to experience what you’re experiencing. I don’t want this to come across as dismissive. I think it’s actually a natural reaction to the situation you face, and it’s something that I deal with as well, because I had to stop my studies for the sake of my mental health and also due to some events that took place during my time in uni, and I haven’t continued yet. I tried to a few years ago and couldn’t do it. I dunno if I’ll ever finish, or if I even want to finish, and I’m trying to make peace with that.

You have been dealt a hand of cards that is a little bit different than what others are playing with. You may have to work harder or differently than your peers. You may take longer than your peers to get things that seem “simple” done. You may even graduate later than your peers, despite being a little older than most of them (I’m assuming). But you know what? That’s completely okay! We’re all not on the same paths in life; some of us are playing this game on a completely different difficulty setting than others, and what seems easy or standard to them is not the same for us. Therefore, it’s nearly impossible to keep up with them or to meet the same milestones at the same times as they do. We can try, but holding ourselves to other people’s standards will only tear us apart in the end. It’s fine that we can’t do it, though, because we honestly shouldn’t. You’re on your own path and you will get to your destination as long as you stick to it. As long as you want to stick to it.

There’s no shame in being in your second year at your age! You’re doing great, we’re proud of you for pursuing your interests or passions no matter how long it takes. Keep pushing!

I told a friend we can meet today and I'll try to get there, I think it would be good for me.

I think this would be good for you as well, I hope you have a great time with your friend.

 

[eatyouryoung]

Thanks for the encouragement, I made it out! Having a pastry now and meeting my friend in 15. I hope your day is going well!

@UsagiDrop Thank you for your thoughts on the topic of being behind in life and reiterating them after the data loss. They mean a lot to me. It's calming to know that others are struggling with this feeling as well.

 

[parader]

How are you guys? @parader @HighFlight55 @BurgundySnap and anybody else that I’ve seen recently in this thread whose usernames elude me right now… 😅

It looks like we survived the website being down yesterday, although we lost many posts. Yesterday, I had a really good day. That new restaurant that I wanted to try out turned out to be really good, and afterwards, I went bowling with my partner. I lost twice, but I got a strike three times. A win is a win.

Today, I’m trying to be productive and clean up my home. I started, got grumpy, and now I’m trying to relax so that I can continue this arduous task lol.


Yikes, that’s a lot of posts! I don’t even know how many I lost but probably not much. I just remember being so proud to finally have 100 posts, haha. Maybe we’ll get them back? It is sad to see how many posts this thread lost, tbh. There were so many good ones, but we can still just make more even if the old ones don’t come back.

I’m happy to see you around though! I hope you’re having a good day.

i'm actually amazed at how you could remember all these usernames with the data loss, that's a great skill over there <3
hope you can sort things out and tidy up your place as you want, maybe try listening to some nice songs while doing so, it might help a little
being productive is one of those things that are so hard and yet can be so rewarding, you don't have to do it all at once, every little thing counts
i haven't done much as of today just yet, just paying some bills, smoking some cigarettes while watching the gameplay from a game i love so much and can't get enough of
i intend to write a little and cook a nice meal later, i'm just waiting for the meat to defrost, would be nice to go outside the day is quite pretty