"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[HighFlight]

A couple years ago, my oldest son told me he had wanted to ctb. I knew he was struggling with a recent breakup and it had impacted his school work. We had been offering him help - anything, but he decided to self medicate with occasional self harm. Like me, he suffers from depression and anxiety.

Today was his birthday. I'm glad to say he was here to celebrate with his new girlfriend. While he still suffers from panic attacks and refuses to see anyone about his MH issues, he's been able to hold a full time job, and is looking to start some online business courses with his coworkers next week.


Welcome @LoiteringClouds

I glad to see the positive steps your taking to help yourself. Physical exercise is supposed to be really helpful mentally, and it's great you're seeing some good results already. I hope you can continue your routine, and it continues to help.

 

[HighFlight]

I thought I would write a quick note to share that I have made it through Day 1. It was a long day - started at 3:30 am and I just lied down now (11:00 pm). Three more days to go... The good news is that the business event went quite well, even the small social event this evening. I had an opportunity to catch up with several people I haven't seen in person in a year or more. And surprisingly, was able to keep my SAD under control as a met and conversed with several new people. Overall, it was a good day. Tomorrow evening is the first of 2 major social events, so not out of the woods yet.


To our group (@UsagiDrop , @sadwriter , @LoiteringClouds , @eatyouryoung , @ColorlessTrees , @heavyeyes , @Praestat_Mori (sorry if I missed anyone.) ), I feel the need to apologize for not being here these past few days. I appreciate all of the support and love you've shown me and my success today and this week is a direct results. Your actions, even as simple as a reaction, have a made a difference in my life. I will do my best to show you the same.

 

[rosenwasser]

@HighFlight55 I'm so glad the first day went well and that you've been able to connect with people you haven't seen in a long time. Sounds like a great start and I hope for you that the next two will be smooth as well. I'm looking forward to your updates - but there is no need to apologize if you don't have the time to message regularly, we all know how hard that can be.

I had a bad® day yesterday and didn't get much done apart from hoping the work day will be over soon and feeling like the heat is going to eat me up but I went out in the evening, went to sleep early and slept fairly well and am feeling much better now. Today is the last day of the heatwave so that's some good news. I did a small errand for my law firm in the morning and can go home a little bit earlier in the evening today. If the motivation stays high I might even go to the library for an hour or two to get back into learning.
I also managed to sign up for some uni courses today and there are a few ones I'm really interested in and hope to get into - wish me luck! Last semester I had one course that could raise my spirits for 48 hours because I've been buzzing with new ideas (it's probably an autism thing), I hope I'll find this sort of day brightener this semester as well.

I'm planning to see some friends on Thursday and then again on Sunday and to keep my social schedule consistent; when I manage that, it does wonders for my well-being. Hope that works out :)

 

[sadwriter]

Hey all. Haven't posted for a bit because of a combo of the forum being weird and wanting to wait until I have the energy to give everyone proper responses. I still really don't, and I apologize for that, but wanted to check in anyway for now.

I'm doing pretty badly. I kind of feel like I'm in hell. On top of this I have a fruit fly infestation as it turns out and my whole body feels like a giant fist because I know I have to buy traps and clean my place to find the source and it's not that hard to do but everything feels impossible right now. I'm eating for the first time since Sunday though right now so that's good.

As always thank you all for listening. I'll be back soon.

 

[stillunemployed]

i got my next meeting with a therapist tomorrow. besides feeling scammed i dont see any real point to it, other than pretending that it would somehow help me. exercise lost its luster a few days ago, its just another chore now.

i dont want to do drugs anymore, but it is tempting

 

[rosenwasser]

Hey @sadwriter thank you for checking in! I'm glad to hear from you, don't worry about replying at all
I totally understand the fruit fly issue, my executive functioning is non-existent and that would be living hell for me too. Do you have resources to maybe pay someone to take care of it or can you contact someone to help? It's normal to feel like everything is impossible when overwhelmed, so don't be hard on yourself; I'm currently unable to clean my place because everything seems too much.
I'm glad you got to eating, having energy certainly helps when dealing with stressful situations.
I wish you streghth, until next time

Hi @stillunemployed was your last experience with your therapist negative to give you the feeling of being scammed? It's hard for therapy to help if you don't trust the person you're doing it with so feeling like this might be a sign to either talk about this in the session or seek a new therapist. I'm having quite a good time with my current therapist but I did have a terrible one before that and it made stuff worse rather than better.
I understand why drugs can be tempting especially during withdrawal - maybe you want to reflect on why you stopped consuming in the first place to stay clean and see if it's still relevant now? I don't know your situation though and am not anti-drugs whatsoever so feel free to ignore that, do whatever is best for you well-being in your opinion.

I managed to put in around 90 mins of learning after work so I'm proud of that. My eating has been terrible tho and my brain is now all over the place. I'm going to chill a bit now.

 

[HighFlight]

@sadwriter - Please don't worry about checking in every day. If you can, great. But everyone here realizes that it's tough sometimes. Please don't let this add to your stress.

I wish I had better advice for your fruit fly problem, but I don't know how to get rid of the besides removing the stuff that's attracting them. Given that you're not in a position to clean right now, maybe @eatyouryoung has the best idea (assuming you have the resources).

Hopefully, you can find a solution soon.

@stillunemployed - if you're not connecting with your therapist, then you're wasting your time and energy, regardless of whether they are scamming you. Therapist can help, but you need to find the right one for you. It's fine if this isn't the one, but please don't give up hope and continue to search. I told my potential therapists that I needed a 10-15 minute intro call at no charge before scheduling an appointment. Every one of them agreed to it. After the calls were over, I picked the one I felt most connected with.

And @eatyouryoung , thank you for been the strength behind this thread the past couple days. I'm glad you were able to get some learning in, and if it's a topic you enjoy, I know it can bring some happiness. Please get some rest as learning, coupled with poor diet, is a recipe for feeling tired and down.

And talking about learning, I just completed a 2-day workshop on Trust. While it was fun and educational, being the least trusting in a room full of high performing people was a little upsetting. Another social event tonight and then 2 more days of meetings before I can go home. I'm surviving one session to the next...

 

[LoiteringClouds]

My day 1 on this thread.
I went to the gym and ran 2.3 km (1.4 miles) at 8.5 km/h (5.3 mph,) and walked 1.8 km at 6 km/h (3.8 mph.) on a treadmill. Today I stayed on the machine about 35 minutes, and the machine said I burned about 270 calories.
I did a bit of strength training, too, and today I did exercise for about an hour in total.

I want to be able to run 10 km (6.3 miles) without rest. In 2018, I could barely run 320 m (0.2 miles) after two decades of sedentary lifestyle. Now I can run at least 2 km.

I caught a Covid, my taste changed, I started a healthy diet and exercise, and now I'm a bit hopeful - I can't believe my sheer luck.
I'm still hopeless at work, but physical activity might turn the tide.
It's time to test my willpower...

 

[HighFlight]

Awesome job @LoiteringClouds !!! You've got me beat, as I can't make it into a gym. But I do walks through the parks, usually about 3-4 mile. Seriously, the physical exercise Hopefully will give you the strength to handle your job situation as well.

One more social event down for me this week. This one was as bad and uncomfortable as expected, but I did make the attempt to meet and talk with other people. I always feel like I'm the awkward bystander in those conversations but can't find a way to escape.

 

[sadwriter]

Thank you @eatyouryoung & @HighFlight55 . I managed to go out and buy a fly trap today after all, as well as do some cleaning and find what I believe was the source of the fly problem. I still have some additional cleaning to do to ensure that they'll die off, but at least I've made some progress. I'm glad that bugs don't really bother me or else I'd be in hell right now. Even with my tolerance level this is a wildly stressful situation. Having my kitchen taken over by insects certainly isn't helping me to eat more like I'm supposed to...

Anyway, now for a wall of text as I reply to the stuff that I wanted to before!

I'm in uni (Law), now starting my second year at 24 years old. I feel like a failure because where I live you're supposed to be done with your studies at this age. But I try to keep going. I totally feel you on the depression/dissociation issues, it's a major problem for me as well, every exam preparation takes longer, I can't remember anything a lecturer has said two hours later... I guess we can both be proud that we are sticking around and pushing forward against all odds. Feel free to hmu if you need some college peer support.

I wanted to mention that I'm around the same age as you too and totally feel you with being down on yourself for not finishing college by now. As @UsagiDrop mentioned there was a great thread on this before the data loss. Honestly I'm pretty sad that it's gone since a lot of really great stuff was said there, but at least we still have support here.

I am not doing very well recently. Some final talks a friend and I had were wiped in the website data loss, and I see how easy it is to lose a lot. I'm grateful that nothing too horrible seemed to happen, so it might be a bit selfish to be affected by message loss.
Maybe it can all be okay one day in another opinion; for now, I think I should stay away for a few days. My mind is cloudy, and it is hard to be anything other than somber and sullen now.

Take care, I hope things can perhaps be okay for others in this thread

I know that you've been gone for a bit @BurgundySnap but for whenever they do hopefully come back... I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of that convo. I think it's more than reasonable to feel down about it and by no means "selfish". But regardless, I hope you're able to heal and feel better while you're away and, for whenever you do end up reading this, welcome back!


@ColorlessTrees & @LoiteringClouds, slightly late welcome to the thread!

I don't use the site too often anymore, for a variety of reasons, but I've read through much of this thread and I enjoy it a lot. I'm here because I struggle with PMDD(premenstrual dysphoric disorder) for years and my general health, enough that I haven't been able to commit to work/education/misc opportunities. I'm currently in a phase of burnout/dysfunction after a period of hope. Typical cycle for me, but never gets any easier.

I'm writing here because I have a real reason or rather need to recover now, and I cannot fail. I would like to join the group here. I've severed all but one of my connections due to sabotaging, low energy, or isolating, so I feel it'd be nice to stick around and offer support when I can. I'm terrible with commitments, and I still somehow get massive anxiety about posting anywhere, but I'll try to check the thread semi frequently.

I hope everyone is doing okay, or better than bad.

I very much feel you re: the cycle of hope and then burnout/ dysfunction. That's how things work for me as well. Good on you for taking the step to post here & join the group despite your anxiety! And of course, no pressure to check in more than you're comfortable with. We're here for you when you need it.


@LoiteringClouds that's a great vow and good on you for accomplishing it today! When I was at a really low point in 2021 I started training for a half marathon and exercising regularly really helped me out a lot, so I for once certainly believe in the mental health benefits. Good luck with your goals and looking forward to hearing more from you!

I thought I would write a quick note to share that I have made it through Day 1. It was a long day - started at 3:30 am and I just lied down now (11:00 pm). Three more days to go... The good news is that the business event went quite well, even the small social event this evening. I had an opportunity to catch up with several people I haven't seen in person in a year or more. And surprisingly, was able to keep my SAD under control as a met and conversed with several new people. Overall, it was a good day. Tomorrow evening is the first of 2 major social events, so not out of the woods yet.


To our group (@UsagiDrop , @sadwriter , @LoiteringClouds , @eatyouryoung , @ColorlessTrees , @heavyeyes , @Praestat_Mori (sorry if I missed anyone.) ), I feel the need to apologize for not being here these past few days. I appreciate all of the support and love you've shown me and my success today and this week is a direct results. Your actions, even as simple as a reaction, have a made a difference in my life. I will do my best to show you the same.

@HighFlight55 That does sound like a long day! That's absolutely insane. I'm glad that you had a good day yesterday and were able to keep your SAD under control, even if today wasn't as good. Here's to hoping tomorrow will be better.

I'm really glad to hear that this thread has been helpful for you– thank YOU as well for the support. It's been really great being able to check in here regularly and I could definitely feel the difference when the site went down. Also, I'll echo what you told me today in response to your apology about not being here lately: we get that things are tough sometimes and it sounds like you're going through a lot. Don't be too hard on yourself!


I think that I've said everything that I wanted to. Good night/ afternoon/ morning/ whatever time to all and here's to hoping that these flies fuck off!

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Awesome job @LoiteringClouds !!! You've got me beat, as I can't make it into a gym. But I do walks through the parks, usually about 3-4 mile. Seriously, the physical exercise Hopefully will give you the strength to handle your job situation as well.

Thanks so much @HighFlight55
3-4 miles of walk is great I think. How fast do you walk? If you walk 4 miles at about 4 mph, it's an hour of moderate-intensity exercise, which is very healthy habit.

One more social event down for me this week. This one was as bad and uncomfortable as expected, but I did make the attempt to meet and talk with other people. I always feel like I'm the awkward bystander in those conversations but can't find a way to escape.

I'm really bad at talking to people at social events, too, because in my case, I couldn't make any contribution in those events. I'm sorry to hear you had to go there.

@ColorlessTrees & @LoiteringClouds, slightly late welcome to the thread!

@LoiteringClouds that's a great vow and good on you for accomplishing it today! When I was at a really low point in 2021 I started training for a half marathon and exercising regularly really helped me out a lot, so I for once certainly believe in the mental health benefits. Good luck with your goals and looking forward to hearing more from you!

Thank you very much @sadwriter
Did you run a half-marathon? That's great! And I'm glad exercise helped you a lot.

And my second day.
Today I had a day off, and I did a lot of strength training today.
I ran on a treadmill but today I couldn't run much because I was tired from workout I did yesterday.
I was at the gym about 1.5 hours.

 

[HighFlight]

This morning has been very tough, and I'm spending a lot of time thinking I don't belong here. It's been close to impossible to hid my feelings, which sucks cause I tend to tear up over the dumbest thing. Had to take some meds this morning to calm down, but they aren't doing anything.

How fast do you walk?

I never figured it out in miles per hour, but I walk a mile in 17 - 18 minutes. Works out to be about 4 mph. But it's uneven terrain.

 

[rosenwasser]

I managed to go out and buy a fly trap today after all, as well as do some cleaning and find what I believe was the source of the fly problem. I still have some additional cleaning to do to ensure that they'll die off, but at least I've made some progress. I'm glad that bugs don't really bother me or else I'd be in hell right now. Even with my tolerance level this is a wildly stressful situation. Having my kitchen taken over by insects certainly isn't helping me to eat more like I'm supposed to...

Congrats on the cleaning progress. I hope they flies fuck off asap. Thank you for your comment on college, it's great to feel less alone. Are you studying too or are you taking a break?

Today I had a day off, and I did a lot of strength training today.
I ran on a treadmill but today I couldn't run much because I was tired from workout I did yesterday.
I was at the gym about 1.5 hours.

I'm impressed by your training schedule, it's very inspiring! I wish you the very best in keeping your body strong and healthy. Do you have some set goals for yourself or do you adapt to your energy levels every day? I struggle with exercise but I try to ride my bike to uni and back daily to move at least a tiny bit.

This morning has been very tough, and I'm spending a lot of time thinking I don't belong here. It's been close to impossible to hid my feelings, which sucks cause I tend to tear up over the dumbest thing. Had to take some meds this morning to calm down, but they aren't doing anything.

I'm sorry the day hasn't been kind to you. You've spent a lot of your energy on keeping up in a stressful social environment the past few days, it's really understandable if you're exhausted. Tearing up isn't necessarily bad - does it help you cope with some of the feelings? I'm also sorry that the meds don't do what they should, I hope you can find some calm.

I've been feeling quite exhausted and drained today - that's mostly the case after my two long working days tho. I was in home office today, had a healthy lunch (much thanks to the convenience isle in my local supermarket) and spent most of the day in bed enjoying the rain. I felt a little bit on edge but it didn't go into suicidal ideation, so that's an ok day to me. I can sleep in tomorrow, so hopefully I can get the tired out of my system.

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hello, everyone.

There is a lot new since I was gone. Wow! I see both positive things and things that are not much so have happened to those here, and I feel my words would be a bit tangled if I replied to everyone who has messaged. I hope it does not sound insincere to say I have best wishes for those here.

Welcome, @ColorlessTrees and @LoiteringClouds ! Hoping that your time here can be at least a bit meaningful.

And thank you @UsagiDrop and @sadwriter , for your kind words. It meant a lot to hear what you said to my previous message. I feel a bit better now, and am focusing on what is important.
I hope things have stabilized for everyone since the data loss, and hopefully we can go on despite it.
Last night, my arms moved strangely. It was as if they had minds of their own! I am trying to see it in a funny sense for now, and joke on it.

Just in case, for the future perhaps those of us who might not want to risk a loss of messages and threads could make copies of our own messages in writing programs and places like private USB drives. I understand it may not be possible to do so for some of our circumstances, it is just an idea in case we might want to not lose any messages we have spent time typing out and placing a lot of heart into.

I'm sorry for not replying to more people. I see your messages here, and I see how some here are struggling in our circumstances.
May even small things in our days become a bit lighter, and may we one day be able to look back and think we are better some day.

Take care

 

[UsagiDrop]

I haven't been updating lately because I don't have anything positive to say, part two.

I unfortunately celebrated my birthday. The people around me tried to keep my mind off things in the weeks and days coming but I usually do poorly this time of year. I did try that new restaurant that I really liked, and went bowling. The day after, some friends and acquaintances threw a get-together for me, which was very nice and thoughtful. And on the day of, I went to my favorite restaurant and drank a whole bottle of wine once I got home. I got lots of love and well wishes even from people I didn't expect to get it from. All of that was really wonderful and I appreciate the ways that people took time to celebrate me and communicate to me that they cherish me. I just wish those things were enough to make me happy.

I feel horrible and like I'm not doing the whole human thing correctly, because I know I should be excited and grateful for these things. Grateful, I am. But I just don't really want to be alive no matter what, it seems, and my mind is in a really dark place right now. I hate that I have gotten older, and I'm feeling really uneasy about the time I have left. Moreover, this being a milestone that I absolutely did not want to meet, I feel like a failure for not ending things sooner. I'm resentful that I have to live but I'll just have to keep going until I either find comfort in existing or until I'm no longer needed here.

Maybe it's all the booze and drugs that has been messing with my mood so much, so I'm happy to put those things down for a while. Today, I'm back at my dead-end job feeling miserable. I feel miserable as soon as I step into this building honestly, but I don't have the strength to job hunt right now. I just hope today will be quiet. Yesterday was a little frustrating, the person I work for kept touching me and hugging me because they didn't see me on my birthday. I hate being touched but I can't really say no to them. That alone has me grumpy today, I hope it won't happen.

Reading the positive things here has been wonderful. I'm proud of everyone's progress, whether we've been having good or bad days. There are things that I think I want to respond to but I think people have already said the things I've been thinking. So I'll just say this: you guys are all doing great!

 

[HighFlight]

It's great to hear from both @BurgundySnap , and @UsagiDrop.

UsagiDrop, I'm sorry you're struggling with getting older. It happens to all of us. Though I'd suggest focusing on your health, and not your age. And at least you got to eat at a new restaurant, and had a good time with family and friends. Part of the whole human experience is understanding that there is no whole human experience - we are all different and have different paths, and therefore a different experience. Yours may be different from the stereotypical experience, but it is you.

Speaking of human experience, I survived the last major social event, and have just a half day left tomorrow. Today was very tough for me, although it got slightly better in the afternoon. I had good chats with several new people, met the company's internal counselor, and was invited to the employee resource group.

Although SAD got the best of me around dinnertime, and I had to leave early.

I'll make it through tomorrow, but I think the real measure of how successful this week was will be determined in the next couple weeks. Looking forward to getting home tomorrow night.

 

[stillunemployed]

So therapy is done. Paying someone obviously uninterested a whole lot of money just to talk and constantly explain myself, while listening to their accusations of weakness for not personally and permanently dealing with my abuser, because thats what normal and natural humans do.

Fucking waste.

Im done

 

[HighFlight]

So therapy is done.

I hope you mean that your done with that therapist. Don't give up on therapy just because you had a bad experience with a therapist. But regardless of what you choose to do, I hope that it works out for you.

I have finished my event and am in route to the airport to go home. It's been a long week and a roller coaster ride emotionally. The morning ended with a local poet reciting an original poem about trust, inclusion, diversity and change. It was well done. As she read it, all I could think about was this group. Wishing you all the best.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello friends,

I never figured it out in miles per hour, but I walk a mile in 17 - 18 minutes. Works out to be about 4 mph. But it's uneven terrain.

Thanks for telling me, and your walk seems to be moderately intense, and your way has slopes which will be additional challenges ;)

I have finished my event and am in route to the airport to go home. It's been a long week and a roller coaster ride emotionally. The morning ended with a local poet reciting an original poem about trust, inclusion, diversity and change. It was well done. As she read it, all I could think about was this group. Wishing you all the best.

Congratulations, you got through this particularly hard week! Please take care of yourself

I'm impressed by your training schedule, it's very inspiring! I wish you the very best in keeping your body strong and healthy. Do you have some set goals for yourself or do you adapt to your energy levels every day? I struggle with exercise but I try to ride my bike to uni and back daily to move at least a tiny bit.

Thanks, and I decided to workout at least 30 minutes. I want to lose weight by 5 kg (11 lbs.) A staff at the gym told me I need more muscle in my torso to lose weight, so I do strength training which is targeted at its muscles.
And biking is great ;)

Welcome, @ColorlessTrees and @LoiteringClouds ! Hoping that your time here can be at least a bit meaningful.

Thanks, this thread is an important accountability thread for me. I decided to make no excuse here for skipping the gym.

So therapy is done. Paying someone obviously uninterested a whole lot of money just to talk and constantly explain myself, while listening to their accusations of weakness for not personally and permanently dealing with my abuser, because thats what normal and natural humans do.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I think, blaming you for not dealing with your abuser means your therapists didn't do their job - they are one of your abusers I guess.

And sorry @BurgundySnap @eatyouryoung @HighFlight55 @sadwriter @stillunemployed @UsagiDrop (Sorry if I missed anybody) I haven't commented your posts much. I had been in this forum for about 6 hours a day, but since I started training and healthy diet, I've been here about only two hours a day. And I'm a slow writer, as my mother tongue isn't English.

My day 3 -
Yesterday was the 11th day at the gym. I did cardio for 40 minutes and strength training for 40 minutes.
I had several suicidal thoughts there, though I wasn't depressed at all.
On a treadmill, I thought "I believe I can be happy but anyway my life is like a treadmill and I can't go anywhere."
After the training, I walked in a shower cubicle and immediately looked for my anchor point where I can hang myself, and thought "I'll hang myself here if I really really have to go."
But I think having suicidal thoughts and planning it are okay unless I actually act on them - I'll win if I can keep this monster at bay until time kill the monster and me.

 

[UsagiDrop]

So therapy is done. Paying someone obviously uninterested a whole lot of money just to talk and constantly explain myself, while listening to their accusations of weakness for not personally and permanently dealing with my abuser, because thats what normal and natural humans do.

This really sucks to hear. I hate how that industry is so saturated with people who are only in it for the money; they are the people who are supposed to care about and help us. It's really disheartening when you're on the search for a good professional, having to go through so many until you find the right one.

Take a break from therapy if you need to before seeking out another therapist. But I hope that you won't give up the search entirely, if healing is still something that you want to do.

I have finished my event and am in route to the airport to go home. It's been a long week and a roller coaster ride emotionally.

I hope that you've traveled/are traveling home safely! Thank you for keeping us updated throughout the week, I didn't have much to say but I did like to read when you were doing well. We're proud of you for sticking it through the good and the bad on the trip! How do you feel, now that it's over? Was it good to see the people that you haven't seen for a long while?

Though I'd suggest focusing on your health, and not your age. And at least you got to eat at a new restaurant, and had a good time with family and friends.

Thank you, I'm going to try to focus on that. I'm also trying to be happy about the good times I did have despite how I'm feeling. I wish I had spent it with family, but that's another thing that's been very hard on me. My villain origin story of how I relapsed into ideation and ended up making my account here began when I let my partner convince me to not stand my ground about moving. I said no a million times and they kept asking until my resolve was broken. That's definitely my bad and there are some perks so I try not to be resentful about it (but I am, if I'm being honest, because the cons are horrible).

I am thousands of miles away now from my two close friends, my parents, and my dog, and tickets seem to cost $1 per mile all year around. My friends here are more my partner's friends. They are sweet but I don't feel like I fit in with them. I never really celebrated when I was back home either but I always enjoyed the ways my parents would find to make me celebrate; making my favorite dinner, making my favorite cookies, buying an ice cream cake, playing music and making me dance around the house. I still had a good time this year but missing them sucks, seeing them less and thinking about how they are also getting older sucks. Really wanted that ice cream cake for free, haha.

Today I'm feeling a little bit better. Going in and out of being depressed and I'm trying to manage my mood. Been reading and getting some writing drafts done. I hope everyone else's days have been, at least, alright.

And sorry… I haven't commented your posts much. I had been in this forum for about 6 hours a day, but since I started training and healthy diet, I've been here about only two hours a day. And I'm a slow writer, as my mother tongue isn't English.

No need to apologize! I think that the reduced time on the forum is a healthy thing for your goals, so it's good to hear even if it means we may hear a little less from you. Also, don't apologize for English not being your first language— you are really fluent, I would have never been able to tell! And it's always impressive to me when others can speak more than one language.

But I think having suicidal thoughts and planning it are okay unless I actually act on them - I'll win if I can keep this monster at bay until time kill the monster and me

I think this is okay too, it isn't like we can just stop the thoughts on command. It's perfectly fine and normal for them to continue. I think I have even heard from some people that even when they are "healed," the thoughts do not stop coming. We just pick up more healthy ways to cope with them, to coexist with them, on our paths to recovery. If ideation is going go be a monster that sits on our shoulders and stomachs and chest, if we can't always keep them at bay and if we can't kill them without/until killing ourselves, we might as well learn to get along with them while they're here.

Your progress is amazing, we're proud of you for continuing to exercise and keep on top of healthier habits. Keep fighting!!

 

[sadwriter]

Congrats on the cleaning progress. I hope they flies fuck off asap. Thank you for your comment on college, it's great to feel less alone. Are you studying too or are you taking a break?

Thank you! I'm currently in college, completing my last semester (hopefully). You definitely don't have to feel alone in this! It seems like there are a decent number of people on here who are in the same boat as us, or a similar one.

I haven't been updating lately because I don't have anything positive to say, part two.

I unfortunately celebrated my birthday. The people around me tried to keep my mind off things in the weeks and days coming but I usually do poorly this time of year. I did try that new restaurant that I really liked, and went bowling. The day after, some friends and acquaintances threw a get-together for me, which was very nice and thoughtful. And on the day of, I went to my favorite restaurant and drank a whole bottle of wine once I got home. I got lots of love and well wishes even from people I didn't expect to get it from. All of that was really wonderful and I appreciate the ways that people took time to celebrate me and communicate to me that they cherish me. I just wish those things were enough to make me happy.

I feel horrible and like I'm not doing the whole human thing correctly, because I know I should be excited and grateful for these things. Grateful, I am. But I just don't really want to be alive no matter what, it seems, and my mind is in a really dark place right now. I hate that I have gotten older, and I'm feeling really uneasy about the time I have left. Moreover, this being a milestone that I absolutely did not want to meet, I feel like a failure for not ending things sooner. I'm resentful that I have to live but I'll just have to keep going until I either find comfort in existing or until I'm no longer needed here.

Maybe it's all the booze and drugs that has been messing with my mood so much, so I'm happy to put those things down for a while. Today, I'm back at my dead-end job feeling miserable. I feel miserable as soon as I step into this building honestly, but I don't have the strength to job hunt right now. I just hope today will be quiet. Yesterday was a little frustrating, the person I work for kept touching me and hugging me because they didn't see me on my birthday. I hate being touched but I can't really say no to them. That alone has me grumpy today, I hope it won't happen.

Reading the positive things here has been wonderful. I'm proud of everyone's progress, whether we've been having good or bad days. There are things that I think I want to respond to but I think people have already said the things I've been thinking. So I'll just say this: you guys are all doing great!

@UsagiDrop I completely understand that feeling of everything around you seeming great yet none of it being enough to feel better on the inside. It can be really isolating and that dissonance sucks. I'm sorry that your birthday has brought up all these hard emotions, and that you're now so far from your loved ones and working this job. I want to remind you that it's okay to feel like shit even when you might also have a lot of stuff to be grateful for. I know that personally trying to convince myself to just look on the bright side can cause me to feel bad ABOUT feeling bad which just compounds things. But it's totally valid to feel the way that you do. I'm glad that you're doing a bit better today, though. (And even though you're not super jazzed about it... happy late birthday!!)

So therapy is done. Paying someone obviously uninterested a whole lot of money just to talk and constantly explain myself, while listening to their accusations of weakness for not personally and permanently dealing with my abuser, because thats what normal and natural humans do.

Fucking waste.

Im done

@stillunemployed I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience with this therapist– that sounds incredibly invalidating. Everyone's healing process is different and you shouldn't be made to feel weak because you're not handling your abuse in what's considered to be the "right" way by someone else, especially if that person is a mental health professional. I hope that this won't hinder your healing process and that you'll be able to find a better therapist in the future if that's something you desire.

I have finished my event and am in route to the airport to go home. It's been a long week and a roller coaster ride emotionally. The morning ended with a local poet reciting an original poem about trust, inclusion, diversity and change. It was well done. As she read it, all I could think about was this group. Wishing you all the best.

@HighFlight55 congrats on finishing the week! It really does sound like it was long and exhausting, emotionally and otherwise. And it made me smile to hear that you thought of this group while listening to the poem recitation.


I was going to come on here and talk about how deeply shitty I felt today but honestly replying to everyone's posts made me feel a little better! That being said, today was quite draining. Earlier this week I admitted to my therapist how bad I've actually been doing lately– I was downplaying it before– and today I had a session with her, during which I eventually admitted that I'd decided to CTB back in August (though I ended up changing my mind). She's giving me more support now, ie asking me to check in more regularly and suggesting that we have an extra session this week. At first this made me feel better, but now I feel icky & smothered, as well as weak for being vulnerable & needing to rely on her. I'm really angry that I'm in this position of feeling helpless because of my mental health and not being self sufficient enough to get through the rough patch without needing my therapist to make a list with me of basic human functions that I should be doing and checking in about them. I know that it's perfectly reasonable to accept extra help during a low point but I really want to run in the opposite direction now. I feel so fucking pathetic.

LOL, I just remembered my vow to be nicer to myself. God damn it, sadwriter, be nicer to yourself!!

 

[sadwriter]

Apologies for the double post, but… god, I really hope I don't CTB and can keep going. I'm out right now and just thinking about how much I've lost in recent years and how badly I've disappointed myself. I want to be free of all this BS so badly but I know that me from the past when I was feeling better would really want current me to hang on. And so do the people I care about…

I keep thinking about the novella I'm writing and how I don't want to die without finishing it. I promised myself I'd finish it. And I know that in the situation in which I'm able to I'll have to be healed enough to no longer want to CTB.

Thank you all for existing. I'm glad to be in this with you together. I'm gonna keep trying. And I'm glad that everyone in the thread is still trying, too.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I keep thinking about the novella I'm writing and how I don't want to die without finishing it. I promised myself I'd finish it.

I hope that you get to keep your promise, and I also know that you can. I really want you to finish your novella, because I don't want to die before I get a chance to read it!

You may have lost many things, but there is a lot to gain in the future. You may have disappointed yourself, but there will be times where you make yourself proud and happy in the future. Lots of times. I believe in you and everyone else here, I'm also glad that we all exist at the same time, that we've found a community in this thread and on this forum, and that we have agreed to do this together.

Some days will be hard, and that's okay.

LOL, I just remembered my vow to be nicer to myself. God damn it, sadwriter, be nicer to yourself!!

But yes, please, be nicer to yourself! I think I might make this part of my vow too, because I still need to work on it lol.

I also wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with what you did. You're not weak for needing to rely on someone, or for being vulnerable in front of someone. In a way, aren't we all relying on each other here? Aren't we all being vulnerable? I think you guys are probably some of the strongest people I know right now. You're not pathetic at all.

I think it's actually a good thing that you feel that comfortable with your therapist. They will probably check in more, because as your therapist, they're probably worried. That's a big admission to make, but you're not weak or pathetic for making it, you were looking for help. Now, your therapist probably wants to help even more. And that can be a good thing.

I can understand feeling smothered, though. It's really frustrating how people start to treat you when they find out you want to ctb either way; if they don't care and blow you off in one way of another, it hurts, but if they care too much, it's overwhelming and it makes you feel powerless. Hopefully they don't become overbearing or distrusting of you. You can always reject the extra meeting a week unless you really feel like you need that much support, right?

Thank you for checking in with us today. I hope tomorrow is better!

 

[HighFlight]

Everyone has been great about updating this thread that I must admit I'm a little behind in reading. I will try to catch up over the weekend and let you know my thoughts.

But right now I've had a bad day and don't feel I'm in a position to help anyone, especially myself. This week was very educational, and it was good to meet new people and see old "friends". But it also reminded me that I have so much of myself that I want to fix. And time is not on my side.

I mentioned sometime this week about not worrying about your age, but focus on your physical, mental, and spiritual health. I feel I might have reached that tipping point.

 

[BurgundySnap]

Everyone has been great about updating this thread that I must admit I'm a little behind in reading. I will try to catch up over the weekend and let you know my thoughts.

But right now I've had a bad day and don't feel I'm in a position to help anyone, especially myself. This week was very educational, and it was good to meet new people and see old "friends". But it also reminded me that I have so much of myself that I want to fix. And time is not on my side.

I mentioned sometime this week about not worrying about your age, but focus on your physical, mental, and spiritual health. I feel I might have reached that tipping point.

Good day, HighFlight55,

I do agree, it is nice to see that this thread is not actively dying out. And it is alright to be behind, we will catch up eventually, I'm sure of it.

That cannot feel good at all. Time can only do so much, and in a lot of ways it is not the best thing. I wish you well, HighFlight55, and that there are somehow better days ahead. At least we here can listen, and we can hear you and recognize you. Maybe is not much, or the most by any means, but we can at least hear you here.


Yesterday, I had a heaviness in my heart. It could not go down toward anything, and I was able to look at the night sky. It hurt somehow even worse, everything was like a fenced-in part of a zoo. I had the urge to climb over the fence and explore the area so much. However, I know enough to know I would definitely get in to trouble. It felt like a taunt more than a beautiful flaunt.
After falling asleep, I had a dream about burning alive and being overtaken by flames. I am sure it does not have much to do with some prophetic method of killing myself. I think I am figuratively burning up inside. Everything hurts today, and all I can focus on is self-immolation.

Take care

 

[ColorlessTrees]

I meant to post sooner, but I'm having a really rough time. Thank you everyone for welcoming me, and @UsagiDrop and @eatyouryoung, it's comforting although unfortunate to know I'm not alone with the PMDD.

I think that I share this struggle with you, even though I haven't gotten diagnosed with PMDD from a doctor or anything. Some time last year I just got very angry at my job, I couldn't focus and every little mistake I made was making me want to throw things at the wall. Every time someone talked to me, I was annoyed as hell for no reason. I was crying because I couldn't do anything else with all of my anger and I didn't know why this was even happening, so I started aggressively googling and trying to find out what the heck was wrong with me lol. And eventually, when I picked up on the pattern of when I experienced the mood swings and random pains, it immediately made sense.

It's extremely hard to get a diagnosis because of how clueless even professionals are, and treatments are limited. I fit the entire criteria, but even I don't have one as of now.
Not saying this is the case for you, but it is often misdiagnosed as bipolar or BPD; with that said, excaberation exists and can make those conditions that much more debilitating.
I've had terrible luck with birth control and SSRIs, the two main treatments, but they do work for some people. Aside from that, I've heard of Magnesium, B vitamins, Vitex/chasteberry, evening primrose and DIM being anecdotally helpful. Sorry for the ramble, you may already know this, but I hope the info can be helpful to someone.

Really having a rough month and not doing well. Unfortunately things have not cleared up as I thought they would by now. I wish I could offer more support but I've still been reading the thread regularly. Best wishes to everyone here.

And since I have a habit of over editing, I want to add that I was mildly productive today. Laundry is done, basic self care is done, got my cardio in after two days off. Most importantly I studied a fair bit, which is really important for the coming months.

 

[HighFlight]

Thank you for checking in with us today. I hope tomorrow is better!

Thank you @UsagiDrop, @BurgundySnap, and everyone else of the messages of hope and support. I was glad when venin put this thread together, and hope it's been helpful to everyone.

How do you feel, now that it's over? Was it good to see the people that you haven't seen for a long while?

While it was good to catch up with some of my coworkers I haven't seen in a while, overall I've felt exhausted and even more depressed since returning. I feel like things are spinning out of control, and don't know how to retake control. Yet at the same time, I need to pretend everything is just fine.

Earlier this week I admitted to my therapist how bad I've actually been doing lately– I was downplaying it before– and today I had a session with her, during which I eventually admitted that I'd decided to CTB back in August (though I ended up changing my mind).

It's good you have found a therapist that you can open up to. It may feel smothering right now with all the check-ins, but having that support when you're in a bad place can be reassuring. Hopefully you can look at it in a positive light.

Yesterday, I had a heaviness in my heart. It could not go down toward anything, and I was able to look at the night sky. It hurt somehow even worse, everything was like a fenced-in part of a zoo. I had the urge to climb over the fence and explore the area so much. However, I know enough to know I would definitely get in to trouble. It felt like a taunt more than a beautiful flaunt.
After falling asleep, I had a dream about burning alive and being overtaken by flames. I am sure it does not have much to do with some prophetic method of killing myself. I think I am figuratively burning up inside. Everything hurts today, and all I can focus on is self-immolation.

This sounds awful. I've had prophetic visions since my last ketamine session a few weeks ago. Interestingly, one of them had to do with a completely scorched landscape. The world is a beautiful place. Could your dream be more symbolic? Please don't think of using self-immolation as your ctb method.

I wish all of you the very best. You've been the few people in this world I can share my thoughts with. If I don't get a chance to say it, I want to let you know you demonstrated there are good people here and I am truly grateful.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello,

I missed two days on this thread, but didn't missed exercising.
I go to the gym and workout 1.5 hours every day, get back home tired and sleep a lot! Is this a great excuse?

No need to apologize! I think that the reduced time on the forum is a healthy thing for your goals, so it's good to hear even if it means we may hear a little less from you. Also, don't apologize for English not being your first language— you are really fluent, I would have never been able to tell! And it's always impressive to me when others can speak more than one language.

@UsagiDrop thanks so much, I'm glad to hear I'm fluent in English! And I think reduced time on this forum is healthy, too,

I think this is okay too, it isn't like we can just stop the thoughts on command. It's perfectly fine and normal for them to continue. I think I have even heard from some people that even when they are "healed," the thoughts do not stop coming. We just pick up more healthy ways to cope with them, to coexist with them, on our paths to recovery. If ideation is going go be a monster that sits on our shoulders and stomachs and chest, if we can't always keep them at bay and if we can't kill them without/until killing ourselves, we might as well learn to get along with them while they're here.

Your progress is amazing, we're proud of you for continuing to exercise and keep on top of healthier habits. Keep fighting!!

CTBing is no longer my Plan A - it's my backup plan, which is intended for the case in which everything goes wrong.
And exercise became my coping method, not a chore.

So my 6th day -
I exercised at the gym for 14 consecutive days. Workout has been fun so far, but I expect challenges are on my way. So I'm going to make exercise a habit.
I had felt guilty for not exercising and eating a lot of junk food, but now the guilt is gone. This could be a huge motivation.

I've been physically tired for these several days, and my performance have been declining. I think I need a rest to do my best, so tomorrow I'll skip running on a treadmill and instead walk briskly.

I tend to do anything in short bursts, like a spark of a flint,
but I know staying fit is a marathon, not a sprint.
I want to run fast,
but also want to make my habit last.

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hello, last night's dream was reading a book that I talked to someone about. I was reading in front of an open window, and felt bright sunlight behind me. It felt intense warm, almost uncomfortable. I could see the bright light illuminating the wall and floor in front of me around my silhouette. It felt really nice. I became sleepy in the dream and drifted off.

I think, like HighFlight55 said, the dreams are more symbolic. Dreams are strange things, I wonder what others have yet to be described by other people!

Take care

 

[SolaceNight]

So, my dudes and dudettes

Some things changed for me, tbh I made some decisions and I am ready to make the pact.

I will write the things I wanna promise myself here and you do the same. We'll change the things we don't like along the way. But he have to start somewhere.

So this is what I propose for a start: each one of us making a vow, a promise (however you see fit) and then, as a rule write a post every day (no exception) about how their day went and how they are feeling

I'll make mine a tat later

Hoping on hearing from you soon !

This is still on? Can i hop in?