So therapy is done. Paying someone obviously uninterested a whole lot of money just to talk and constantly explain myself, while listening to their accusations of weakness for not personally and permanently dealing with my abuser, because thats what normal and natural humans do.
This really sucks to hear. I hate how that industry is so saturated with people who are only in it for the money; they are
the people who are supposed to care about and help us. It’s really disheartening when you’re on the search for a good professional, having to go through so many until you find the right one.
Take a break from therapy if you need to before seeking out another therapist. But I hope that you won’t give up the search entirely, if healing is still something that you want to do.
I have finished my event and am in route to the airport to go home. It's been a long week and a roller coaster ride emotionally.
I hope that you’ve traveled/are traveling home safely! Thank you for keeping us updated throughout the week, I didn’t have much to say but I did like to read when you were doing well. We’re proud of you for sticking it through the good and the bad on the trip! How do you feel, now that it’s over? Was it good to see the people that you haven’t seen for a long while?
Though I'd suggest focusing on your health, and not your age. And at least you got to eat at a new restaurant, and had a good time with family and friends.
Thank you, I’m going to try to focus on that. I’m also trying to be happy about the good times I did have despite how I’m feeling. I wish I had spent it with family, but that’s another thing that’s been very hard on me. My villain origin story of how I relapsed into ideation and ended up making my account here began when I let my partner convince me to not stand my ground about moving. I said no a million times and they kept asking until my resolve was broken. That’s definitely my bad and there are some perks so I try not to be resentful about it (but I am, if I’m being honest, because the cons are horrible).
I am thousands of miles away now from my two close friends, my parents, and my dog, and tickets seem to cost $1 per mile all year around. My friends here are more my partner’s friends. They are sweet but I don’t feel like I fit in with them. I never really celebrated when I was back home either but I always enjoyed the ways my parents would find to make me celebrate; making my favorite dinner, making my favorite cookies, buying an ice cream cake, playing music and making me dance around the house. I still had a good time this year but missing them sucks, seeing them less and thinking about how they are also getting older sucks. Really wanted that ice cream cake for free, haha.
Today I’m feeling a little bit better. Going in and out of being depressed and I’m trying to manage my mood. Been reading and getting some writing drafts done. I hope everyone else’s days have been, at least, alright.
And sorry… I haven't commented your posts much. I had been in this forum for about 6 hours a day, but since I started training and healthy diet, I've been here about only two hours a day. And I'm a slow writer, as my mother tongue isn't English.
No need to apologize! I think that the reduced time on the forum is a healthy thing for your goals, so it’s good to hear even if it means we may hear a little less from you. Also, don’t apologize for English not being your first language— you are really fluent, I would have never been able to tell! And it’s always impressive to me when others can speak more than one language.
But I think having suicidal thoughts and planning it are okay unless I actually act on them - I'll win if I can keep this monster at bay until time kill the monster and me
I think this is okay too, it isn’t like we can just stop the thoughts on command. It’s perfectly fine and normal for them to continue. I think I have even heard from some people that even when they are “healed,” the thoughts do not stop coming. We just pick up more healthy ways to cope with them, to coexist with them, on our paths to recovery. If ideation is going go be a monster that sits on our shoulders and stomachs and chest, if we can’t always keep them at bay and if we can’t kill them without/until killing ourselves, we might as well learn to get along with them while they’re here.
Your progress is amazing, we’re proud of you for continuing to exercise and keep on top of healthier habits. Keep fighting!!
