how do you feel right now? don’t even think about it, just type.

[dead dav]

Exhausted anxious fed up of life

 

[Tumblewillow]

Sad that I'm going to go through with it despite it being the right thing to do

 

[JesiBel]

I feel confused. For two days now, I've been dreaming about my father, whom I hate furiously. In fact, we haven't seen each other in many years; I probably wouldn't recognize his current appearance. The strangest thing is that in these dreams we seem to get along very well. Which makes me really angry; it's an altered 'reality'. I don't know what's happening. I can't even be at peace in my dreams. He's the only person I'd never forgive in my life, ugh.

 

[metothemoon]

on a mattress in the middle of my living room, fighting the urge to attempt. The sadness I won't be able to go today or next days, the unbearable suffering of getting true the day, the weight of disappointing my mother on my shoulders… It all feels like shit. Please just let me go…

 

[Sakura.]

In every second of my existence my suffering is eating my alive...

I suffer so horribly...

And I cannot do anything to find any comfort...

 

[s00ngone]

Soulless. Already gone. Categorically not a good person, not human, indifferent. Guilty but not regretful. A snake.

 

[Sakura.]

I will never stop suffering after what happened to me 9 months ago...


Why?

Why did something like this have to happen to me?

 

[purplesky9]

i feel empty and numb. i feel lost. i don't think i'm doing anything correctly, but i'm so drained at this point i don't really fucking care.

Very anxious. I'm probably going to be fired in a couple of days.

 

[grandeur.egg]

i feel that i don't deserve them. ona li pona e mi la mi ike e ale. mi pakala. ona li ken ala pakala ala e mi. they are too good to be dragged down by me. mi o pakala e linja pi mi pi ona. mi o pini e ali. mi o pini e linja olin. ona li toki utala tan sona pona. o weka. mi o lon sewi tomo suli.
ona li pilin te mi pona mute, te im one of those many beautiful people, and deep down he's probably right but its shrouded by the jaki lon ale mi.

ona li wile la mi lon ale ona taso mi ken ala pona e ona. mi o pini e ali mi tan ni.

 

[sambrosia]

I feel confused. For two days now, I've been dreaming about my father, whom I hate furiously. In fact, we haven't seen each other in many years; I probably wouldn't recognize his current appearance. The strangest thing is that in these dreams we seem to get along very well. Which makes me really angry; it's an altered 'reality'. I don't know what's happening. I can't even be at peace in my dreams. He's the only person I'd never forgive in my life, ugh.

I had a Freudian therapist once tell me "you're everyone in your dream, since you created it." Take it with a grain of salt, of course, but maybe interesting to analyze through that lens. Is part of your subconscious maybe identifying with something about your father? Or perhaps showing you wish fulfillment for an idealized relationship. (To the detriment of your waking self, which gets angry.) I think the wish fulfillment part could be almost a primal thing, like how all children want to have some kind of good relationship with their parent(s). For instance, I hate my dad too, and recognize that we could never have a good relationship in this lifetime, but part of me has always wished he were normal and we could have.

Sorry for the unsolicited psychoanalysis. I forgot how much I like talking about dreams.

Separately- my feelings currently: tired. exasperated. regretful. embarrassed. ashamed. deeply ashamed. sorry and guilty. wallowing, despair. remorse. humiliation. tiredness. wanting it to end.

 

[JesiBel]

I had a Freudian therapist once tell me "you're everyone in your dream, since you created it." Take it with a grain of salt, of course, but maybe interesting to analyze through that lens. Is part of your subconscious maybe identifying with something about your father? Or perhaps showing you wish fulfillment for an idealized relationship. (To the detriment of your waking self, which gets angry.) I think the wish fulfillment part could be almost a primal thing, like how all children want to have some kind of good relationship with their parent(s). For instance, I hate my dad too, and recognize that we could never have a good relationship in this lifetime, but part of me has always wished he were normal and we could have.

Sorry for the unsolicited psychoanalysis. I forgot how much I like talking about dreams.

Separately- my feelings currently: tired. exasperated. regretful. embarrassed. ashamed. deeply ashamed. sorry and guilty. wallowing, despair. remorse. humiliation. tiredness. wanting it to end.

Thank you for your words! The phrase and perspective is interesting, "you're everyone in your dream, since you created it". I think it might mean that I wish things had been different. It makes sense, I tend to deny reality quite a bit, sometimes getting lost in thoughts or daydreams.

A big hug to you, I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time too. I see you're new, welcome to the forum.

 

[sambrosia]

Thank you for your words! The phrase and perspective is interesting, "you're everyone in your dream, since you created it". I think it might mean that I wish things had been different. It makes sense, I tend to deny reality quite a bit, sometimes getting lost in thoughts or daydreams.

A big hug to you, I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time too. I see you're new, welcome to the forum.

Thanks for the welcome and condolences. ^_^ Glad to be here...

Yes, I do the so-called 'maladaptive' daydreaming too. I dunno why they call it that when life is better in my daydreams anyway. Denying reality is the only way I can live in it sometimes. lol

In my case, I believe my dad is directly responsible for the serious mental health issues I've suffered throughout my life. I identify with when you said he's the one person you'd never forgive. In my case, if he had been different, I'd have not just a good relationship with him, but also I wouldn't be suicidal, or have caused hurt to other people. If the feeling you have is similarly strong / if the negative influence he's had over you feels similarly strong... it makes lots of sense to wish things had been different... it's mourning your relationship with him, your relationship with yourself, your relationship with others if you had been different..

 

[somewhatdeadly]

i feel drained

 

[sjuultje123]

i feel empty and numb. i feel lost. i don't think i'm doing anything correctly, but i'm so drained at this point i don't really fucking care.

I feel lost. Destened to spiral back into my old paterns. It feels like all the therapy was a wastw of time because they're is no happy ending.

 

[pastyle]

defeated to the point of no return. i lost everything. i have no will to live anymore.

 

[EmptyBottle]

bored and dull (coz class is empty, will go home once official time is up)

 

[Grog]

After a lot of introspection and reflection, I feel I have come to the conclusion that life has no inherent meaning; we have to create our own meaning or our own reason to live.
I'm feeling hopeless, because I don't really have anything that motivates me, or gives me purpose or a reason to live. I have nothing keeping me here, so why am I still around?

 

[Sakura.]

I feel exceptionally lost...

I'm so lonely and sad...


I feel so weak... So emotionally broken...

I feel so disappointed... So anxious...


I feel so much that I'm losing everything...

 

[SignatureRequired]

Not great. It's late where I am at the moment, but I don't want to wake up again.

 

[Chuhbee]

I feel doomed but also late and very lonely

 

[brokencookie]

I'm in great pain rn, physically and emotionally!
What breaks me is that I know there something going on with me but there will NEVER be a solution or healing and the only way is to delude myself into thinking things will get "better".

I hate this! I really don't wanna keep going!

 

[before20]

I want to give up

 

[Grog]

I wanted to play Calir Obscur tonight but I never got around to it. Now I feel too tired to play a game, but not tired enough to fall asleep.
I really wish I had friends who were also playing this game so I could talk to someone about it; it would make playing the game even more fun. Doing anything feels lonely and makes me sad lately.

 

[Sergeant45]

Like I am dreaming, or rather, like I've already died and am watching from outside.

 

[soonerreatherthanla]

I feel like I lost everything for the 100th time, life hasn't had meaning in years every little hope or thing I ever grasped for meaning is periodically taken away from me before it can even take roots. It has been one giant horrible bad trip.

 

[calebzz1]

I just want to see single and clearly in both eyes with no gimmicks, tricks or having to wait forever.

 

[lucycelestia]

i feel hollow, like i ceased to be human a long time ago. like i'm staring through the glass eyes of an automaton, just going through the motions, the true self, if she still exists, imprisoned, forced to watch and not allowed to go to heaven.

 

[s00ngone]

i feel hollow, like i ceased to be human a long time ago. like i'm staring through the glass eyes of an automaton, just going through the motions, the true self, if she still exists, imprisoned, forced to watch and not allowed to go to heaven.

"An automaton" is the exact language I've used for myself a million times. Don't feel human either. Hope your hollowness eases.

 

[unknowncaller]

I'm having a a lot of SI, I'm at work and I've been stuck with it. To add work has been shit today. I'm just tired of trying, like my life isn't worth living no matter what I have or how happy I am. Everything is weighing me down. I am regretting selling my firearm and wish it was waiting at home for me. I've been feeling like asking to buy it back even though it's only been a week. I haven't showered in a few days. I just keep fucking up and I'm tired of losing things in my life. Having to back track and sell things just to make ends meet is really getting to me. I just don't know what to do. Living on my own has been a blessing and a curse but more so a curse over the last few months because I don't think I can afford it anymore.

 

[v0id]

i feel like an alien walking in the world among people. i can't sleep right now. it's been a while since it dawned me that i've never actually felt like i belonged anywhere, wherever i am. there's always this uncomfortable, horrible feeling in my gut that other people can never know me. they never will. i feel so disconnected from people. my actions were always calculated and performative. my apathy and repulse for the world is well hidden beyond me. i am very sick, and as expected of a sick person, i'm pretty much disgusting and rotten underneath the human skin i wear and try to become.

my favorite way of describing this alienation is with Sontag's words; moving into the world feels like "seeking love in a whorehouse."