I suffer all the time. Every second of my life...
My suffering is terrifying. But at certain moments, it is even worse than terrifying...
At such moments – like now – I lie in bed and try to endure it...
I try to calm it down...
I try to make it stop, at least partially...
So that I can suffer only terrifying again...
***
I am unrecoverable...
The causes of my suffering are unchangeable...
I have no way of getting better and stopping suffering...
I don't even have much more capacity to cope with this suffering even better than I already do...
I will not become more resilient than I already am. I will not start living peacefully and happily in the situation I am in...
And I am unable to change this situation...
Severe, handicap-like autism takes away all my chances of recovery... It closes all paths for me...
No matter how much effort, sacrifice and hard work I put into trying to improve my situation, I am unable to change it...
By trying to get better, trying to stop suffering so much, I am doing myself even more harm than by living in the state I am in...
And at the same time, this state is unbearable...
I cannot accept it...
I cannot be at peace with being in it..
So I still have a desire to get better, I cannot be at peace in my situation, I cannot accept it...
I hurt myself by merely having the desire to get better, and I hurt myself by trying to fulfil it...