Do you all like/love yourself?

[outrider567]

I don't think anything of myself

 

[Rocinante]

I love myself
Hate my life circumstances and where I live but it looks like that will be changing soon

 

[brokeandbroken]

I don't think anything of myself

That's tragic I'm sorry!

I love myself
Hate my life circumstances and where I live but it looks like that will be changing soon

I'm exceptionally happy to hear that!

 

[saddestbunny]

I think I'm at peace with myself as much as I can be

 

[brokeandbroken]

I think I'm at peace with myself as much as I can be

That's about all we can hope for right?

 

[EndOfTheLine84]

I mean you said life is meaningless. Factually speaking in terms of life and making an impact on the world. Many sayings and things speak to how changing one person's life can cause a whole bunch of meaning. I disagree. I think the amount of people on the planet who mean anything are quite small. The rest are support. Auxiliary components so those with power and influence can continue to have meaning. Simply put most people's lives deep down are meaningless. Except maybe to your family and friends. But society has diminished their roles as well. People don't have the social bonds we used to. Society has effectively became about working to barely survive in order to give someone else's life meaning...

In order to contribute meaningfully to the world. You need to do everything right. All the dice rolls have to break your way. Even then you may not. If one doesn't break your way your screwed. That's what happened to me. I was on the path to giving meaning to the world as a doctor. Instead I was the victim of crimes. And just like that snatched from my hands. Gone in a flash. No help. Instantly to the margins of society. Homeless. No familial help. Nothing. Everything gone. That's apparently life.

Oh?

I totally agree on the points you mentioned, no argument there, I would add that even those in power, they feel anxiety and try the hardest to stay young as think about it, they made it to the top, likely with sacrifice (and if not sacrifice then they inherited it and have a whole other set of issues for not feeling they had to work for it), regardless as they age, they must feel the sense that they are at the top and will deal with ageing and death just like everyone else. Or like that Chinese billionaire who made the mistake of jumping up onto a wall in France and didn't realise there was a steep drop the other side, and gravity and height combined with lack of judgement combined to not give a sh*t about how much money he had in the bank, as he died of his injuries... opps moment...
Link to that story is here if anyone is interested: https://news.sky.com/story/chinese-tycoon-wang-dies-in-fall-from-wall-while-on-france-trip-11426055

Also, food for thought, if life has any meaning we assign to it, then could I say my meaning is to die?
That my meaning is to accept that there is no meaning?
If we can assign whatever meaning to life we want as all the self-help articles say, then isn't that a bit like there is no meaning at all?

Are you living in the USA by any chance? The reason I ask is that the way you describe your unfortunate set of circumstances, seems like you live in a society with not that much of a safety net, and I am not over familiar with the US ins and outs, but we hear a lot about the whole health care system there being not exactly fair on those who fall sick and need it but then lose their job which had their health insurance attached to it, which is clearly bad news.
If you feel like sharing, what crimes were you the victim of if you don't mind me asking?

I don't have anything against the US, in fact if I had followed my heart and thus avoided the biggest regret of my life (and dumbest set of actions that played out like an episode of "seconds from disaster NPD edition lol" in letting my NPD (and alcohol abuse) totally mess that up, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, I would be living in the US with the woman who I wanted to spend my life with and her with me.
But you know, the sheer arrogance and denial of NPD knows no bounds of self-harm and well like this quote from the movie The Hunt for Red October (1990) in the scene where one of the sub capitain hurries to lock on and fire a torpedo at The Red October sub, and in his haste ends up makes a fatal error of judgement having the missile turn back and hit their own sub, and as it is coming back at them, the other guy in the sub says "You arrogant ass! You've killed us!" ... That sums up NPD rage and at the end of the day quite succinctly I think. It's pretty much the postion I find myself in, even though I could not foresee it (but should clearly have been able to at the time).

I digress, so back to my point, as I was saying, with the family of that girl of my dreams I let go, only thing that fell on deaf ears was the argument I made in favour of socialised health care, when I spoke to her family when I visited her over there, in that healthcare isn't really something anybody wants to require, as it means you are sick, nobody wants to be sick, so if you pay into it and never need it or hardly ever need it, then one should be thankful that the people that really need it are needing it as they are unfortunately battling cancer or other health issues that I am sure they would not trade positions with, it's a way for looking out for the basic health of the fellow citizen. I think that didn't seem to make sense, although even as Republicans, they did stop to think about what I said for a bit, I think they knew I had a point.

I watched a YouTube video once on a woman who felt no other option than to Euthanise herself when she did not want to, with the only reason being that her health insurance had either run out or would not cover her medical costs for cancer I beelive it was.
To that is just cruel that she would have to feel forced to choose to use Nitrogen (or maybe it was Helium, but one of those inert gases anyway) in order to end her own life, obviously without assistance being easily available as the laws around that are tight.
I found that ridiculous that for one she would have to feel forced to choose to die when she wanted to live, if that was her wish, then I would be happy that my taxpayer money went towards her care, I would not want to have cancer so I wouldn't envy her for sure, but then also for the double whammy of then not being to easily get euthanised after that due to the laws and her having to be careful to get around laws to avoid getting others into trouble for aiding a suicide, which is quite serious in most places once it crosses the line where it breaches the law, that is just too much in my view. The poor woman has cancer, give her a break and let her choose to have free healthcare or to die peacefully I say.

 

[Maplethemorbid]

I've honestly worked out I don't really have a "self" to love.

I've toyed with the possibility of it being because I have DID because I tick a lot of the boxes but that would imply that there is some level of personality in this skull of mine. So I don't particularly like anything about my mind.

My body falls into an even worse category where it doesn't even feel like it belongs to me, I look in the mirror and I see a form as ugly on the outside as it is on the inside and I couldn't even have had the luck of being born with the correct bits.

TLDR: There's nothing of me to love

 

[brokeandbroken]

I totally agree on the points you mentioned, no argument there, I would add that even those in power, they feel anxiety and try the hardest to stay young as think about it, they made it to the top, likely with sacrifice (and if not sacrifice then they inherited it and have a whole other set of issues for not feeling they had to work for it), regardless as they age, they must feel the sense that they are at the top and will deal with ageing and death just like everyone else. Or like that Chinese billionaire who made the mistake of jumping up onto a wall in France and didn't realise there was a steep drop the other side, and gravity and height combined with lack of judgement combined to not give a sh*t about how much money he had in the bank, as he died of his injuries... opps moment...
Link to that story is here if anyone is interested: https://news.sky.com/story/chinese-tycoon-wang-dies-in-fall-from-wall-while-on-france-trip-11426055

Also, food for thought, if life has any meaning we assign to it, then could I say my meaning is to die?
That my meaning is to accept that there is no meaning?
If we can assign whatever meaning to life we want as all the self-help articles say, then isn't that a bit like there is no meaning at all?

Are you living in the USA by any chance? The reason I ask is that the way you describe your unfortunate set of circumstances, seems like you live in a society with not that much of a safety net, and I am not over familiar with the US ins and outs, but we hear a lot about the whole health care system there being not exactly fair on those who fall sick and need it but then lose their job which had their health insurance attached to it, which is clearly bad news.
If you feel like sharing, what crimes were you the victim of if you don't mind me asking?

I don't have anything against the US, in fact if I had followed my heart and thus avoided the biggest regret of my life (and dumbest set of actions that played out like an episode of "seconds from disaster NPD edition lol" in letting my NPD (and alcohol abuse) totally mess that up, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, I would be living in the US with the woman who I wanted to spend my life with and her with me.
But you know, the sheer arrogance and denial of NPD knows no bounds of self-harm and well like this quote from the movie The Hunt for Red October (1990) in the scene where one of the sub capitain hurries to lock on and fire a torpedo at The Red October sub, and in his haste ends up makes a fatal error of judgement having the missile turn back and hit their own sub, and as it is coming back at them, the other guy in the sub says "You arrogant ass! You've killed us!" ... That sums up NPD rage and at the end of the day quite succinctly I think. It's pretty much the postion I find myself in, even though I could not foresee it (but should clearly have been able to at the time).

I digress, so back to my point, as I was saying, with the family of that girl of my dreams I let go, only thing that fell on deaf ears was the argument I made in favour of socialised health care, when I spoke to her family when I visited her over there, in that healthcare isn't really something anybody wants to require, as it means you are sick, nobody wants to be sick, so if you pay into it and never need it or hardly ever need it, then one should be thankful that the people that really need it are needing it as they are unfortunately battling cancer or other health issues that I am sure they would not trade positions with, it's a way for looking out for the basic health of the fellow citizen. I think that didn't seem to make sense, although even as Republicans, they did stop to think about what I said for a bit, I think they knew I had a point.

I watched a YouTube video once on a woman who felt no other option than to Euthanise herself when she did not want to, with the only reason being that her health insurance had either run out or would not cover her medical costs for cancer I beelive it was.
To that is just cruel that she would have to feel forced to choose to use Nitrogen (or maybe it was Helium, but one of those inert gases anyway) in order to end her own life, obviously without assistance being easily available as the laws around that are tight.
I found that ridiculous that for one she would have to feel forced to choose to die when she wanted to live, if that was her wish, then I would be happy that my taxpayer money went towards her care, I would not want to have cancer so I wouldn't envy her for sure, but then also for the double whammy of then not being to easily get euthanised after that due to the laws and her having to be careful to get around laws to avoid getting others into trouble for aiding a suicide, which is quite serious in most places once it crosses the line where it breaches the law, that is just too much in my view. The poor woman has cancer, give her a break and let her choose to have free healthcare or to die peacefully I say.

Sure thank you for you very eloquent and thought out response I appreciate it. I am American....

I am going to respond to the things I didn't cover below here. As far as the girl I am sorry to hear that. You are correct you cannot stop aging and you can't stop it. It's coming for everyone. Every day you wake up you are one day closer to death. You are speeding towards it 24 hours at a time. It's just how far it is away... It could but I think there's also intrinsic meaning and extrinsic right? Having kids should give your life intrinsic meaning but likely not to the outside world. Curing X disease will obviously be extrinsic and likely intrinsic. Today the things like having kids shouldn't give your life meaning and so people aren't. The culture has removed many of the things that should give your life meaning. It seems to me relationships are even far more superficial. Everything is to a degree. Most topics are taboo. So all that's left is extrinsic... Well to my point most people can't achieve that. They should have pathways to it if they want to. As far as would committing suicide give your life meaning. Depends are you a martyr? Or just intrinsically? If so it's a little like Schrodinger's death right? It I guess could as everything could. But you wouldn't be there for it to be. So all you have would be the thought of it giving your life meaning. I am here for suicidal thoughts. I went to the psych ward for them. If I had killed myself did I hope my death would maybe create a domino effect so people would be held responsible. Sure. Likely God no. For me it was an escape for an unbelievably shitty situation. Almost a decade of my life, so many sleepless nights, so much blood, sweat, and tears. Everything gone in the blink of an eye.

I'm going to try to tie the topics together as they are interrelated.... Healthcare is a fascinating topic. My whole life I have fairly conservative. That said I am now homeless. A few things there is medical assistance which I have where if you have no income healthcare is free.... Secondly, hospitals if you are sick cannot turn you away. You can be billed but you cannot be turned away. You can also get medical debt discharged through bankruptcy... So it's an interesting question as I have not supported universal healthcare. I have supported stopgaps vis a vis medical assistance but not universal public healthcare. I also lived in Poland for four years (medical school) and did a medical internship over the summer in Australia in 2015. I also worked in the healthcare system in the US scribing before medical school primarily in oncology and while in medical school I interned over the summer again in oncology. Of course medical school in Poland as well. Suffice to say I have a lot of medical experience. Life wasn't particularly easy for me growing up. That said I overcame some and was also given opportunities others might not of. My parents are fairly well off maybe when not so much I was very little not sure much but from middle childhood... I say this so you have context. For me the fundamental belief has been largely because of my upbringing not my parents necessarily but (private) school etc... Was that if you work hard you can become successful in the United States. That if you are a victim of a crime for instance you will be given help.

For me having this path to success is why I didn't consider it a universal right. In other words work hard you can get it easily and then some. That said if it was a net good I may have considered it. I don't consider it good for medicine. I think personally making healthcare government run is going to put a significant stop to medical advances. Some will emerge but the rate will be slowed. The US is universally considered the premiere place for medical innovation. For instance oncological survival rates are highest in the world in the US. Adjusted for instant death the US leads the world in life expectancy and it isn't particularly close. Should it be adjusted? Maybe I am not sure. I think it speaks to a significant unaddressed mental health crisis in the US. Something I have said for a long time. For me the question isn't now medically is it good I would say no. Is it worth causing medical innovation to seize so we can give "free" healthcare to people. For me the question is this. Is there a pathway for success for Americans if they work hard. I am increasingly coming to the conclusion the answer is no though I am fairly agnostic at this point. Next I will tell you what happened and explain why it is a problem.... But first I am well aware I am 1 person. 1 Person who worked very hard and every opportunity I got to better myself I took it. I also did the best outside of academics to be the best I could be. Probably speaking to chronic low self-esteem...

This post is already fairly lengthy and I am not sure exactly how to synthesize the information down. If you want a more complete explanation I will give you it. I am also happy if you want to DM to work to find a way to send you proof of what I am saying....

While in medical school in Poland the university was extremely fraudulent. You name something that could be fraudulent it was. For example the school gave out and advertised to giving out NBMEs and they did legally. NBME's being objective US style exams prepping you for the Step (biggest medical school exams). A relatively big deal for an international style catering to North Americans. However, in the summer of 2020 the university held a specific NBME the CBS exam (mini step) on teams because COVID. While I wasn't in the class for reasons not worth going into.... I knew people in it and heard the details and frankly the school flat out said it in emails.... The proctor came on said he was busy and he had things to do... He wasn't going to monitor it and to log off when done. So people cheated their asses off by putting all the questions into a google doc. Well one student was left out and he reported the school. Well the school lost the right to give out NBMEs. The school continued to advertise that they could give out NBMEs, they still called their exams NBMEs, they said NBMEs and obtaining a certain score on the NBMEs was mandatory, etc... The exams were in fact not NBME but rather BS questions made up by the professors who couldn't give a shit about students (I can actually show proof speaking to how they viewed students). Also saliently mainly the Polish and favored kids in class had the answers before the exams.... It was well known and has been going on since 2009 see here -> https://polishforums.com/life/poland-cheating-schools-accepted-34701/3/ and here https://www.taipeitimes.com/News/taiwan/archives/2009/04/20/2003441525 . In essence the definition of a diploma mill. Anecdotally for an embryology exam which was supposed to be individual.... People were literally openly talking loudly with professors who literally again didn't care asking for answers... Before you think sweet diploma mill easy degree not so fast. There's things like this openly occurring in Poland -> https://www.universityworldnews.com/post.php?story=20210313064008885 the government doesn't care. They are still running schools. I obviously didn't know this or I would've gone to one of the other schools I was accepted into...
Proof of the NBME advertising see here -> https://web.archive.org/web/2022011...medicine-nbme-vslo-and-kaplan-usmle-prep.html 1 of 6 places...
That is one aspect. The second being critical though longer in nature to explain so unfortunately I will be brief. If you want the full version I will be happy to provide. Like I said if you or anyone want proof I am happy to provide it. The school required something extraneous to academics to be done mid-way through the year and saliently directly after second semester's tuition was taken by them. That as a foreigner I wouldn't know how to do (no it wasn't related to immigration) that every student would need to do. However, they literally refused to give me the information. I asked I believe 7 times for the information. Because they didn't give it to me I wasn't allowed to go to class/exams etc.... In essence forcing me out of the university caused everyone to abandon me almost immediately. I also have 150k+ in debt and I cannot get a decent job. My pathway towards a meaningful and successful life gone in the blink of an eye. Because people thought it would be fun to defraud me... Then the secondary blow of realizing my family doesn't care, I have no friends, there is no one for me in darkest time. No one to help or care. I am here in hell and there's no one to help and no way out. It could've been an opportunity for my family to come together instead they kicked me out and it wasn't my fault I didn't do anything wrong I was robbed basically.

If you got here thanks for reading and I am more then happy to go into detail provide proof etc. This is really scratching the surface. I have numerous corroborating documents and all the emails etc from the school....

I've honestly worked out I don't really have a "self" to love.

I've toyed with the possibility of it being because I have DID because I tick a lot of the boxes but that would imply that there is some level of personality in this skull of mine. So I don't particularly like anything about my mind.

My body falls into an even worse category where it doesn't even feel like it belongs to me, I look in the mirror and I see a form as ugly on the outside as it is on the inside and I couldn't even have had the luck of being born with the correct bits.

TLDR: There's nothing of me to love

I am sorry to hear that. I know I've said it a lot but it's still true.... That's tragic. it's a tragedy you have been so broken by society and society has tormented you so bad that you can't find something to love. When asked you should have a list of things you love about yourself because that's healthy. The fact your answer is nothing. That's horrible to hear. As far as DID is concerned. The disorder is interesting but it implies an extraordinary amount of pain and suffering that I implicitly shiver at the thought of. So whatever caused you so much pain and suffering I am profoundly sorry.

 

[StarFaded]

No, I detest and despise myself greatly. I'm a useless piece of shit and not good for anything or anyone. Living is extremely exhausting and I don't have much to live for anyway. I'm still angry about not being able to get SN easily nowadays because I would have checked tf out awhile ago if I've had the guts to buy SN from IC back when it was available. Now I'm left with no painless and effective ways to CTB. I blame myself for the predicament I'm in, and everything else that has gone wrong in my worthless life.

 

[Doz]

I don't love myself but I don't exactly hate myself either. The best way I can put it is that I don't care about myself

 

[Daft-Bear]

I don't like myself. Hate? Maybe. Love, not really.

 

[jessisme]

I love myself. I am just frustrated with all of my defectiveness and limitations and hate being the way that I am.

If I liked or loved myself I wouldn't want to kill myself.

I love myself and I want to kill myself because I love myself and I want to spare myself a horrific fate.

 

[Kerrtu]

I love myself. I am just frustrated with all of my defectiveness and limitations and hate being the way that I am.


I love myself and I want to kill myself because I love myself and I want to spare myself a horrific fate.

I have similar thoughts: I know I have love for myself, which has me resolute in avoiding further agony.

 

[Lost Magic]

I try to be kind to myself (nowadays) but I am indifferent about how I feel about myself. I have done good things and not-so-good things in my life. I am just a human who is very flawed and doesn't quite understand everything.

 

[brokeandbroken]

No, I detest and despise myself greatly. I'm a useless piece of shit and not good for anything or anyone. Living is extremely exhausting and I don't have much to live for anyway. I'm still angry about not being able to get SN easily nowadays because I would have checked tf out awhile ago if I've had the guts to buy SN from IC back when it was available. Now I'm left with no painless and effective ways to CTB. I blame myself for the predicament I'm in, and everything else that has gone wrong in my worthless life.

I'm sorry you feel that. I don't for one think you are useless or not good for anything. I can see how living would be tiring. I hope you find peace.

I don't love myself but I don't exactly hate myself either. The best way I can put it is that I don't care about myself

I understand. That seems to be a common sentiment. I feel similarly but maybe not the same.

I don't like myself. Hate? Maybe. Love, not really.

I understand. Definitely a complicated question.

I have similar thoughts: I know I have love for myself, which has me resolute in avoiding further agony.

Makes sense as well. I hope you find peace/end your suffering.

I try to be kind to myself (nowadays) but I am indifferent about how I feel about myself. I have done good things and not-so-good things in my life. I am just a human who is very flawed and doesn't quite understand everything.

Every human has limitations to their understanding and their own foibles.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I like myself, but hate what became of me.

 

[plasticbomb]

I hate myself but I love a lot of people around me despite them being pieces of shit and making me despise myself so much. Partially the reason I've pussied out of suicide in the past is because I would hurt them, and I hate hurting people more than I hate myself.

 

[bluebus]

I used to. Not anymore

 

[brokeandbroken]

I like myself, but hate what became of me.

So you hate your situation but like yourself?

I hate myself but I love a lot of people around me despite them being pieces of shit and making me despise myself so much. Partially the reason I've pussied out of suicide in the past is because I would hurt them, and I hate hurting people more than I hate myself.

Interesting. I am sorry you hate yourself that must be challenging. It's good you have people though.

I used to. Not anymore

I'm sorry to hear that. What happened may I ask?

 

[777cave]

No. No one can change my mind.

 

[AresCohere]

I hold the opinion that I have been a generally annoying and hatable person my entire life, and I have proof to back this up that I won't get into here. I have also thrown away so much time and opertunities to the point where I can barely even see myself as at the same level as anyone around.

In short, yeah I hate myself and the overwhelming failure I have become.

 

[Lumenier]

I love myself deeply. Like how a parent and child are meant to love each other. I have plenty of flaws, but I love even those. I'm soft, but often unyielding, sturdy, but incredibly fragile, grotesque and intricately beautiful inside and out- an enigma that can be understood when I try to dig deep. I'm like an entire universe. Everyone else is too, but each of us can only have one psychonaut in our universes that can get very far- I think many people don't get the chance to venture very far due to the way we tether ourselves and each other to arbitrary things and needs.

Other people have desecrated me, constrained me, and did their best to break me down. Somehow, even scattered across the cosmos of my own universe, I stay connected to myself, yet, helplessly far away from myself. The love is still there, but grief is there too, even though I know I'm still technically alive. In this state, it feels cruel to let my connection continue. I want to fix it all, but, it's too hard as one lone psychonaut. So that's why I decided to disconnect from this universe- so I can forget the shattered pieces of myself, despite how much I love each and every one.

 

[brokeandbroken]

No. No one can change my mind.

I won't try. I'm sorry to hear that.

I hold the opinion that I have been a generally annoying and hatable person my entire life, and I have proof to back this up that I won't get into here. I have also thrown away so much time and opertunities to the point where I can barely even see myself as at the same level as anyone around.

In short, yeah I hate myself and the overwhelming failure I have become.

I think in those situations you can't dwell on opportunities that you have thrown away and just be on the lookout for the future ones. I am sorry if society has gathered the impression of you that you are annoying or even worse you are someone to hate.

I love myself deeply. Like how a parent and child are meant to love each other. I have plenty of flaws, but I love even those. I'm soft, but often unyielding, sturdy, but incredibly fragile, grotesque and intricately beautiful inside and out- an enigma that can be understood when I try to dig deep. I'm like an entire universe. Everyone else is too, but each of us can only have one psychonaut in our universes that can get very far- I think many people don't get the chance to venture very far due to the way we tether ourselves and each other to arbitrary things and needs.

Other people have desecrated me, constrained me, and did their best to break me down. Somehow, even scattered across the cosmos of my own universe, I stay connected to myself, yet, helplessly far away from myself. The love is still there, but grief is there too, even though I know I'm still technically alive. In this state, it feels cruel to let my connection continue. I want to fix it all, but, it's too hard as one lone psychonaut. So that's why I decided to disconnect from this universe- so I can forget the shattered pieces of myself, despite how much I love each and every one.

That sounds incredibly complex. An incredibly unique form of thinking. I am happy you love yourself. Many don't.

 

[ctvunny]

To be honest, I love myself with how I am putting up with everything, but at the same time I dont like me? I feel like I could do so much more and yet I couldnt, and everyday it gets harder not to think otherwise.

 

[Aloneisbestforme]

I don't hate myself nor love myself.

I hate the things I do plus I just don't care about myself enough to fight.
I'm just trash that needs to be taken out

Also i'm happy to hear there are people that love themselves atleast that's something nice

 

[Ico]

I was not built to navigate this world, and it seems like everyone in my entire life has known that there was something 'off' about me. Even as an 'adult' of 50 years, life is just a never-ending staccato of bullying, pain, and sadness. There is nothing special about me, and literally no reason to exist.

Must be nice to wake up and be all like, "Yay! Life is good!".

 

[timetodie24]

No, hate myself so much. That's part of my motive to ctb- I really can't stand myself

 

[Bobbylobby]

I wouldn't say I hate myself, rather I'm just disappointed in the lack of accomplishments and reasons to keep going

 

[WaitingAllMyLife]

I fucking despise myself.... DESPISE! I would love to ram a sharp poker in my temples on a daily basis out of self loathing. But alas I am stuck here until my current obligation as a caregiver is over.

 

[brokeandbroken]

To be honest, I love myself with how I am putting up with everything, but at the same time I dont like me? I feel like I could do so much more and yet I couldnt, and everyday it gets harder not to think otherwise.

It is tough to grapple with knowing what exactly should be done in difficult situations. On one hand we can allow fate to choose or take it into our own hands.

I don't hate myself nor love myself.

I hate the things I do plus I just don't care about myself enough to fight.
I'm just trash that needs to be taken out

Also i'm happy to hear there are people that love themselves atleast that's something nice

I agree. I feel like trash leftover waiting to be taken out as well. I feel so unbelievably outcasted from society it is not even funny. In fact there's a part of me that isn't even sure if I could claw my way back.

I was not built to navigate this world, and it seems like everyone in my entire life has known that there was something 'off' about me. Even as an 'adult' of 50 years, life is just a never-ending staccato of bullying, pain, and sadness. There is nothing special about me, and literally no reason to exist.

Must be nice to wake up and be all like, "Yay! Life is good!".

Do you know what the "off" is? I know how that is just less years of it. Though frankly the current direction of my life also adds in poverty...

No, hate myself so much. That's part of my motive to ctb- I really can't stand myself

Is you wanting to CTB an act of love?

I wouldn't say I hate myself, rather I'm just disappointed in the lack of accomplishments and reasons to keep going

I definitely know how it is to not have a door open or anything that be used to use as my north star. Unfortunately it was taken from me.

I fucking despise myself.... DESPISE! I would love to ram a sharp poker in my temples on a daily basis out of self loathing. But alas I am stuck here until my current obligation as a caregiver is over.

That sounds incredibly difficult I am terribly sorry. I hope you find peace.