Do you all like/love yourself?

[mizumono]

I don't think one can love itself completely, but I recognize I have many qualities… I'm funny, i'm witty, i'm compassionate, i'm an amazing friend, i always know how to comfort people, i'm loyal, i'm sensitive and gentle… it's just not enough apparently for anyone, not my parents, not potential friends or partners, even strangers just feel off about me. I guess there's just no place for me, no use for my qualities, no one who wants them, so what's the point?

 

[Andro_USYD]

I'm personally content with things in my life, I'm sorry for everyone whom isn't and when I was a teen going through puberty etc. I hated myself, I think antidepressants played a key role in helping me to like myself more.

 

[Andarosh]

I hate myself, after betraying my only friend in a way i had never imagined ever doing, though we were both drunk heavily, still losing her forever... It made me realise what kind of person I am, I believe if I ctb I won't betray anyone else and won't lose anyone again. I hate myself a lot, for more than year now.

 

[groucho]

I'm the only person I truly hate, but I'm the only one I truly know as well.

 

[lonely_men23]

I'm convinced I'm the worst person ever, and that dying is the only thing I could ever do to make the world any better. I anxiously await my punishment!

your not the worst person in the world, most evil person dont even admit that they are jerk.Dont put too much hate on yourself.

I'm the only person I truly hate, but I'm the only one I truly know as well.

deep

 

[suffocatingseraphim]

I tolerate myself, like someone tolerates a debilitating illness that makes their life miserable. I had glimmers of self like when I took uppers, but, they would fade fast.

I'm miserable to be around,my partner and friends are wonderful and thoughtful and kind to me but I feel deep down they may feel the exact same.

 

[brokeandbroken]

nothing to like about me lol.

I'm sorry to hear you feel that. I am sure there is something.

Never have, never will.

That's tragic to hear.

Was looking in the comments seeing if there was one positive answer, to no avail. It really shows how fucked up the world is, I'm sure a lotta people on here actually tried to get help first, but then finally decided the best help was to leave (like me). And I'm sure no one listened, now I'm not blowin smoke sayin I care, cause that'd be a lie, I don't know anyone here, I just know y'all are people and honestly, deserve fucking better (again, not saying I care and not trying to push that suicide prevention shit, just saying this world is all fucked)

I agree it's a tough world and you would think it would band people together instead of drive them apart. But it certainly isn't bringing people together.

If I wasn't surrounded by the people I am around, I would love myself way more than I do now. I told a lot of people that I do love myself, mainly because of my feelings being invalidated anyway

I'm sorry you are around not so good people. Hopefully you find some kind and decent people.

I do love myself, I've been alone for practically my entire life so the only person who really had my back was me.

I can definitely understand being alone... As I have also been alone virtually all my life. I told myself one day it would end and I would have friends/spouse etc... But alas life is a cruel bitch and that hasn't happened. Maybe one day.

I hate myself so much I can't even explain it. I can't find the words to express all the hate and disgust I feel about myself. I want to die and I know I don't deserve to live.

I'm sorry you feel that way. That is heart-breaking to hear. If it helps I think you deserve to live if you so choose.

I don't think one can love itself completely, but I recognize I have many qualities… I'm funny, i'm witty, i'm compassionate, i'm an amazing friend, i always know how to comfort people, i'm loyal, i'm sensitive and gentle… it's just not enough apparently for anyone, not my parents, not potential friends or partners, even strangers just feel off about me. I guess there's just no place for me, no use for my qualities, no one who wants them, so what's the point?

I understand that as well. The only people who have ever given me attention/"cared" is because they wanted something.

I'm personally content with things in my life, I'm sorry for everyone whom isn't and when I was a teen going through puberty etc. I hated myself, I think antidepressants played a key role in helping me to like myself more.

I am very happy you are content!

I hate myself, after betraying my only friend in a way i had never imagined ever doing, though we were both drunk heavily, still losing her forever... It made me realise what kind of person I am, I believe if I ctb I won't betray anyone else and won't lose anyone again. I hate myself a lot, for more than year now.

Care to explain further? That sounds like a horrible thing to experience.

Carthe only person I truly hate, but I'm the only one I truly know as well.

That sounds truly lonely. Hopefully you can find some aspect to like.

I tolerate myself, like someone tolerates a debilitating illness that makes their life miserable. I had glimmers of self like when I took uppers, but, they would fade fast.

I'm miserable to be around,my partner and friends are wonderful and thoughtful and kind to me but I feel deep down they may feel the exact same.

Well I am happy you can at the very least tolerate yourself. I imagine they wouldn't put up with you if it was just toleration... People are far more selfish these days. I think they like you for you.

 

[Andarosh]

Care to explain further? That sounds like a horrible thing to experience.

I apologize... now reading it again sounds as if she´s dead... most probably she isn´t but I haven´t heard from her for a year now... It´s just that I was friendless for 5 years and it made me a closed person untill I met her, she was an amazing person to be around, I fell in love with her, but she had a girlfriend so I left that feeling and was really happy that I had a friend, but on 18-19th June 2022 we got so drunk and she started crying and told me about her break up with girlfriend, but when we went to sleep I did something perverted that I can´t believe I had done... (I didn´t rape her, I´m still virgin, but I was touching her...) I know on 100% that if I was sober I definitely would not do something like this. But I still don´t know why I did it... I asked psychologist and a psychiatrist, my psychologist told me it was subconsciousness and that I could not do anything about it due to being drunk, and my psychiatrist told me that there is no answer to that and that I should not look for it as I won´t find it...

This perverted act goes heavily against me and I believe I shouldn´t be here anymore... I don´t want to be here anymore I don´t wish to do something bad again to someone else. I am afraid of myself and really hate myself for this.

 

[Zulu]

What it feels like to look in the mirror:

 

[dyingslowly]

As a ugliest person on the planet, I can assure that I do hate myself and sometimes even more than you.

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

What it feels like to look in the mirror:
View attachment 118033

lol me

 

[a flurry of knives]

I like myself and I have a pretty decent self-esteem. I just also recognize that I don't deserve to live.

 

[jbear824]

Not even a little bit

 

[brokeandbroken]

I apologize... now reading it again sounds as if she´s dead... most probably she isn´t but I haven´t heard from her for a year now... It´s just that I was friendless for 5 years and it made me a closed person untill I met her, she was an amazing person to be around, I fell in love with her, but she had a girlfriend so I left that feeling and was really happy that I had a friend, but on 18-19th June 2022 we got so drunk and she started crying and told me about her break up with girlfriend, but when we went to sleep I did something perverted that I can´t believe I had done... (I didn´t rape her, I´m still virgin, but I was touching her...) I know on 100% that if I was sober I definitely would not do something like this. But I still don´t know why I did it... I asked psychologist and a psychiatrist, my psychologist told me it was subconsciousness and that I could not do anything about it due to being drunk, and my psychiatrist told me that there is no answer to that and that I should not look for it as I won´t find it...

This perverted act goes heavily against me and I believe I shouldn´t be here anymore... I don´t want to be here anymore I don´t wish to do something bad again to someone else. I am afraid of myself and really hate myself for this.

I'm not sure what to say to this. You seem contrite for it which goes a long way. It doesn't make it right but you seem to feel bad about it which is far more then what most can say.

What it feels like to look in the mirror:
View attachment 118033

How did you get a photo of my life.

As a ugliest person on the planet, I can assure that I do hate myself and sometimes even more than you.

I refuse to believe you are the ugliest person on the planet. I hate every aspect of my life... As far as myself? The situation has messed with my head in so many different ways but yeah I think it would be fair to say I vehemently hate myself.

I like myself and I have a pretty decent self-esteem. I just also recognize that I don't deserve to live.

Interesting can you explain why? Those things seem at oods.

Not even a little bit

I understand.

 

[a flurry of knives]

Interesting can you explain why? Those things seem at oods.

I can try to explain. I don't try or put any effort into anything and I keep wasting my life away. I don't hate myself for this because I see it as symptoms of my depression, something hard to control. But that's exactly why I feel that I deserve to die. If I struggle to do even the most basic of tasks due to something out of my control, what worth is such a person? Why should I be alive, then? I don't view thinking of myself as worthless as self-loathing, I view it as a fact of life. Something inherent to me that's unchangeable. It's like saying "The grass is green" to me. I like my personality, I think I'm a fun person. I like my looks. It's just that I was born broken. I'm bad at explaining, so I hope it makes some sense.

 

[ihatethisplanet]

No, I hate myself. I am a failure at life, practically born with anxiety and depression and let them rule over my life until it was too late. I finally found a therapist to help bring me out of my shell but at my age, making lasting friendships is next to impossible and my soon-to-be ex-husband only cares about the women half his age that he mentors.

My dog, the one being who loved me no matter what I was going through, died in June. All that's left are my parents, and they are overbearing and rigid.

So no, there really is nothing to like about myself, especially when you get to this age and have no accomplishments.

 

[nier]

I used to feel broken but I learned that the only person that matters is me. And after I cut out all the toxic people in my life I decided to move on and focus on me. I slowly learned to love myself and be a better person for myself and make great changes. So yeah I do love myself

 

[chloramine]

I loathe myself. I can't put into words why, but there is nobody in the world I hate the way I hate myself. I'm just fundamentally bad and less and subhuman regardless of what actions I take.

 

[TheShyOne]

I an such a lazy narcissistic idiot. I care more of myself then of other people and i hate myself for it. However i don't even feel bad because of it. I really should be punished for how terrible person i am, but i don't. It is so unfair to others and i hate that i don't even feel bad for it.

 

[EndOfTheLine84]

Well, as I am someone who has just woken up and had the denial total lift off my whole past false narrative of the NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder), and now I can see everything that I thought about the past interactions with the people closest to me in my life, that is was all a lie that my subconscious and NPD told my conscious mind, saying that it was everyone else's fault, and now I see that it was all me, I pushed away and hurt those closest to me, those that I needed and valued in my life, including the woman of my dreams 12 years ago after we got married, and I didn't even realise that a dark hidden side of me was writing emails that I never remember writing which were nasty and clearly designed to make her run away from me, and she tried to get it to work with me, but I was not really in charge, the dark side of me was subconsciously, hurting her when she attempted to come close, and eventually she ended up in the arms of another man, who she is still with to this day, and I had suppressed the memories unknowingly until this day with the narrative I thought was one of her leaving me, when this could not be further from the truth.
Now I am a shell of a man, abused in childhood by my two narcissistic parents, one of which was my alcoholic abusive father who would beat my mother black and blue, all in front of me, and then both would ignore me when I went to show them something or speak to them, or anything that required them giving me attention even for a second.
My childhood was one of trauma, shouted at and insulted for everything or outright ignored.
Therapy helped me realise that this had damaged the way I developed my attachment style, and this would then follow on throughout my life as the years passed, and was why I would stare at the ground alone at lunch time at school, and in high school would throw desks at the teacher in defiance and aggression and rage.
Wrote my first suicide poem at age 11,, and my mother scolded me with anger for disrespecting her for doing so.
As an adult I have lost everything that I loved through the damage that was caused in childhood by my abuse, and then affecting my ability to form any sort of friendships or perform well at school in all stages of my schooling, and then as an adult I found alcohol, which made me feel better temporarily, but caused me to go gradually into an ever descending downward spiral, and now I look back sober for 3 years (yay "you should be proud everyone says", and I just give them a stone cold look, they just don't understand, that my whole life has been trauma and loss, and pain, seeing opportunities slip away due to my NPD, and being unable to take those opportunities because of the NPD, including the woman of my dreams who wanted to love me so much, but my NPD took over and closed her out due to what I now know is it's deep fear of abandonment that my parents caused to maladaptively develop inside me.
Now I look back to my whole past, and see no joy, nothing there except what could have been, painfully and tragically stolen from me, worse than having been in a coma for those years as I can see what I could have had, and what was painfully taken away by NPD caused by my childhood trauma, pain all through my life, pain and loss and misery, all the way up to now where I am almost 40 years old, and seeing the love of my life happy and married to the man that she replaced me with 12 years ago, and more wreckage along the way, so there is nothing to hold onto from my past, just pain I caused others that drove them away, and ultimately as I hurt the ones I loved, the ones closest to me that I needed and wanted in my life, that ultimately hurts me, and the present I feel guilt, shame, anger, frustration, regret, hopelessness hatred of myself and hatred of my parents who betrayed me.
There is no future for me, as I am already dead inside, I died long ago, or maybe I never existed at all, my body a wandering suffeering breathing corpse, wandering the earth in pain and suffering and despair until old age end my suffering? I don't think that is fair on me, it gives me great sadness to have to admit that my entire life was ultimately a failure, even though I tried my best, and endured great suffering, but I must now have the courage to finally admit that enough is enough and it is time, the 11 year old me who decided to see if life gets any better in the coming years, to my 11 year old self from back in 1996 I sadly have to say tom him that it sadly did not get any better, only more pain and misery, tragic heartbreak and loss. I know how he would react, he would nod his head at me that 11 year old me from 1996, and say "I understand, you did your best, but it's time now", it's time to find peace that I could never find in this world, let alone the fact I only ever got teased with grasping any joy, but it was all out of reach due to the NPD caused by childhood abuse that I never asked for and never deserved. To hate myself, yes maybe I do, so I have realised that I am both giving myself the death penalty, and at the same time showing myself the ultimate merciful pathway to peace, not on this earth, but in whatever comes next, even that is total nothingness, as if to be unborn, then that is fine by me, because I can not imagine anything worse than what I have had to endure whilst alive in my life, and indeed it is time to call this fight off, and let me rest in peace, leaving all the traumatic emotions that I could never handle nor make sense of, and even though I was never taught how to have empathy, I will show myself mercy, for that is the least that I deserve, even if I hate myself for all the pain I have caused others, and I am sorry for such, I am so deeply sorry, not least to my 11 year old self who wrote that beautiful suicide poem called "suicide, I'm already dead inside" back in 1996, and that title fits perfectly for how I feel now. There is nothing left for me, and there was nothing here for me to begin with, no sense of self-identity, hollow inside, now it's time for my body to catch up to the soul I never had, the ego which never truly existed as anything other than a fabrication of my NPD, and so as I can not access a dignified death due to people seeing Narcissists as cruel and deserving the pain and misery we get, and as right to die as being overall not seen as something that society needs to do sadly, I will being myself deliverance from this torment in a way which I care not for how undignified and messy it is for those who would find me after I am finally free from this suffering, but a way that will give me the best odds of successfully ending my suffering, carefully and meticulously planned, not in a "crisis" as the mental health lingo says, but in the empty and hollow cold calm of a man who either never lived, or who died many years ago, my final act will be one of great effort and planning, and attention to detail to ensure the best chances of success, as I expect nothing less, from a life of complete and utter failure as a man, at least my final act can be the first and last success of this existence, and then I shall be free.
No more hatred, no more pain, no more anything, finally free.

Well, as I am someone who has just woken up and had the denial total lift off my whole past false narrative of the NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder), and now I can see everything that I thought about the past interactions with the people closest to me in my life, that is was all a lie that my subconscious and NPD told my conscious mind, saying that it was everyone else's fault, and now I see that it was all me, I pushed away and hurt those closest to me, those that I needed and valued in my life, including the woman of my dreams 12 years ago after we got married, and I didn't even realise that a dark hidden side of me was writing emails that I never remember writing which were nasty and clearly designed to make her run away from me, and she tried to get it to work with me, but I was not really in charge, the dark side of me was subconsciously, hurting her when she attempted to come close, and eventually she ended up in the arms of another man, who she is still with to this day, and I had suppressed the memories unknowingly until this day with the narrative I thought was one of her leaving me, when this could not be further from the truth.
Now I am a shell of a man, abused in childhood by my two narcissistic parents, one of which was my alcoholic abusive father who would beat my mother black and blue, all in front of me, and then both would ignore me when I went to show them something or speak to them, or anything that required them giving me attention even for a second.
My childhood was one of trauma, shouted at and insulted for everything or outright ignored.
Therapy helped me realise that this had damaged the way I developed my attachment style, and this would then follow on throughout my life as the years passed, and was why I would stare at the ground alone at lunch time at school, and in high school would throw desks at the teacher in defiance and aggression and rage.
Wrote my first suicide poem at age 11,, and my mother scolded me with anger for disrespecting her for doing so.
As an adult I have lost everything that I loved through the damage that was caused in childhood by my abuse, and then affecting my ability to form any sort of friendships or perform well at school in all stages of my schooling, and then as an adult I found alcohol, which made me feel better temporarily, but caused me to go gradually into an ever descending downward spiral, and now I look back sober for 3 years (yay "you should be proud everyone says", and I just give them a stone cold look, they just don't understand, that my whole life has been trauma and loss, and pain, seeing opportunities slip away due to my NPD, and being unable to take those opportunities because of the NPD, including the woman of my dreams who wanted to love me so much, but my NPD took over and closed her out due to what I now know is it's deep fear of abandonment that my parents caused to maladaptively develop inside me.
Now I look back to my whole past, and see no joy, nothing there except what could have been, painfully and tragically stolen from me, worse than having been in a coma for those years as I can see what I could have had, and what was painfully taken away by NPD caused by my childhood trauma, pain all through my life, pain and loss and misery, all the way up to now where I am almost 40 years old, and seeing the love of my life happy and married to the man that she replaced me with 12 years ago, and more wreckage along the way, so there is nothing to hold onto from my past, just pain I caused others that drove them away, and ultimately as I hurt the ones I loved, the ones closest to me that I needed and wanted in my life, that ultimately hurts me, and the present I feel guilt, shame, anger, frustration, regret, hopelessness hatred of myself and hatred of my parents who betrayed me.
There is no future for me, as I am already dead inside, I died long ago, or maybe I never existed at all, my body a wandering suffeering breathing corpse, wandering the earth in pain and suffering and despair until old age end my suffering? I don't think that is fair on me, it gives me great sadness to have to admit that my entire life was ultimately a failure, even though I tried my best, and endured great suffering, but I must now have the courage to finally admit that enough is enough and it is time, the 11 year old me who decided to see if life gets any better in the coming years, to my 11 year old self from back in 1996 I sadly have to say tom him that it sadly did not get any better, only more pain and misery, tragic heartbreak and loss. I know how he would react, he would nod his head at me that 11 year old me from 1996, and say "I understand, you did your best, but it's time now", it's time to find peace that I could never find in this world, let alone the fact I only ever got teased with grasping any joy, but it was all out of reach due to the NPD caused by childhood abuse that I never asked for and never deserved. To hate myself, yes maybe I do, so I have realised that I am both giving myself the death penalty, and at the same time showing myself the ultimate merciful pathway to peace, not on this earth, but in whatever comes next, even that is total nothingness, as if to be unborn, then that is fine by me, because I can not imagine anything worse than what I have had to endure whilst alive in my life, and indeed it is time to call this fight off, and let me rest in peace, leaving all the traumatic emotions that I could never handle nor make sense of, and even though I was never taught how to have empathy, I will show myself mercy, for that is the least that I deserve, even if I hate myself for all the pain I have caused others, and I am sorry for such, I am so deeply sorry, not least to my 11 year old self who wrote that beautiful suicide poem called "suicide, I'm already dead inside" back in 1996, and that title fits perfectly for how I feel now. There is nothing left for me, and there was nothing here for me to begin with, no sense of self-identity, hollow inside, now it's time for my body to catch up to the soul I never had, the ego which never truly existed as anything other than a fabrication of my NPD, and so as I can not access a dignified death due to people seeing Narcissists as cruel and deserving the pain and misery we get, and as right to die as being overall not seen as something that society needs to do sadly, I will being myself deliverance from this torment in a way which I care not for how undignified and messy it is for those who would find me after I am finally free from this suffering, but a way that will give me the best odds of successfully ending my suffering, carefully and meticulously planned, not in a "crisis" as the mental health lingo says, but in the empty and hollow cold calm of a man who either never lived, or who died many years ago, my final act will be one of great effort and planning, and attention to detail to ensure the best chances of success, as I expect nothing less, from a life of complete and utter failure as a man, at least my final act can be the first and last success of this existence, and then I shall be free.
No more hatred, no more pain, no more anything, finally free.

I wanted to add to what I wrote a few days ago (to which I am replying to my own post and I hope this is the correct way to do this on here), that I guess it's a tragic irony that part of having NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), is that I have never learned empathy, thus, the situation I now face, requires a hell of a lot of empathy and love for myself, and the condition also is based ultimately on a lack of self-love.

Now, the lack of empathy, combined with the total loss of self-identity, knowledge of all the opportunities I squandered, and nearing age 40, with only aeging and loneliness to look forward to until old age, an analytical mind that I have which lacks empathy, emotionally hurt and pushed others away from me, now that the whole facade of what I thought my life was has collapsed, it leaves me facing this complete and utter mess, looking into the mirror, and analysing my life cold and clinically, and critically without empathy for myself, since I never developed this due to how I was raised.

It therefore means that the lack of empathy which meant I heartlessly emotionally hurt so many others who tried to love me in my life, that very lack of empathy is for the very first time turned inward on me.
Oh, the irony, for I can not forgive myself, I can not empathise with myself, I can only judge my life as if I am analysing a used car and if it needs to be scrapped or can it be repaired and it is worth trying to repair.
Clearly at my age, through the analysis, the answer sadly is that no, it's far too late, and given that I can not forgive myself, and have no ability to have any empathy for myself, thus no self-love, which was ultimately the root cause for NPD developing in the first place, it means that even though I can see the whole picture now, and understand NPD, this does nothing to help me move forwards, I can only witness the fact that in chess terminology, I have checkmated myself, and the only thing left to do is tip my king to the side, stand up from the chess board, and walk off into nothingness, no matter how painful that is for me to admit my life ends as a complete failure.

I simply can not unsee the truth now, and the more I research and analyse my own life and my strengths and weaknesses, the more it becomes clear that my life is beyond repair.
Trust me I have tried to think of a way forwards, but at my age, and me knowing that given I never learned empathy at any stage of my life, and my way of dealing with life was subconsciously building false narratives, there really is nothing left now, and the tragic irony for a man who emotionally hurt so many people, due to not having the tools of empathy and understanding, now those very same traits leave me with no way other than to live life in eternal and worsening misery and pain, or to end my life.

Oh the tragic irony.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I can try to explain. I don't try or put any effort into anything and I keep wasting my life away. I don't hate myself for this because I see it as symptoms of my depression, something hard to control. But that's exactly why I feel that I deserve to die. If I struggle to do even the most basic of tasks due to something out of my control, what worth is such a person? Why should I be alive, then? I don't view thinking of myself as worthless as self-loathing, I view it as a fact of life. Something inherent to me that's unchangeable. It's like saying "The grass is green" to me. I like my personality, I think I'm a fun person. I like my looks. It's just that I was born broken. I'm bad at explaining, so I hope it makes some sense.

I understand at least a fraction of that and cognitively everything else. it isn't fun. It's really tough. I am sorry to hear that.

No, I hate myself. I am a failure at life, practically born with anxiety and depression and let them rule over my life until it was too late. I finally found a therapist to help bring me out of my shell but at my age, making lasting friendships is next to impossible and my soon-to-be ex-husband only cares about the women half his age that he mentors.

My dog, the one being who loved me no matter what I was going through, died in June. All that's left are my parents, and they are overbearing and rigid.

So no, there really is nothing to like about myself, especially when you get to this age and have no accomplishments.

I'm really sorry to hear about all of the hard times you are experiencing. I hope this opens the door for you for better times.

I used to feel broken but I learned that the only person that matters is me. And after I cut out all the toxic people in my life I decided to move on and focus on me. I slowly learned to love myself and be a better person for myself and make great changes. So yeah I do love myself

I'm glad. That's something I am going to need to do myself.

I loathe myself. I can't put into words why, but there is nobody in the world I hate the way I hate myself. I'm just fundamentally bad and less and subhuman regardless of what actions I take.

You aren't subhuman nor bad. I'm sorry you have suffered so much.

I an such a lazy narcissistic idiot. I care more of myself then of other people and i hate myself for it. However i don't even feel bad because of it. I really should be punished for how terrible person i am, but i don't. It is so unfair to others and i hate that i don't even feel bad for it.

That sounds difficult!

I wanted to add to what I wrote a few days ago (to which I am replying to my own post and I hope this is the correct way to do this on here), that I guess it's a tragic irony that part of having NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), is that I have never learned empathy, thus, the situation I now face, requires a hell of a lot of empathy and love for myself, and the condition also is based ultimately on a lack of self-love.

Now, the lack of empathy, combined with the total loss of self-identity, knowledge of all the opportunities I squandered, and nearing age 40, with only aeging and loneliness to look forward to until old age, an analytical mind that I have which lacks empathy, emotionally hurt and pushed others away from me, now that the whole facade of what I thought my life was has collapsed, it leaves me facing this complete and utter mess, looking into the mirror, and analysing my life cold and clinically, and critically without empathy for myself, since I never developed this due to how I was raised.

It therefore means that the lack of empathy which meant I heartlessly emotionally hurt so many others who tried to love me in my life, that very lack of empathy is for the very first time turned inward on me.
Oh, the irony, for I can not forgive myself, I can not empathise with myself, I can only judge my life as if I am analysing a used car and if it needs to be scrapped or can it be repaired and it is worth trying to repair.
Clearly at my age, through the analysis, the answer sadly is that no, it's far too late, and given that I can not forgive myself, and have no ability to have any empathy for myself, thus no self-love, which was ultimately the root cause for NPD developing in the first place, it means that even though I can see the whole picture now, and understand NPD, this does nothing to help me move forwards, I can only witness the fact that in chess terminology, I have checkmated myself, and the only thing left to do is tip my king to the side, stand up from the chess board, and walk off into nothingness, no matter how painful that is for me to admit my life ends as a complete failure.

I simply can not unsee the truth now, and the more I research and analyse my own life and my strengths and weaknesses, the more it becomes clear that my life is beyond repair.
Trust me I have tried to think of a way forwards, but at my age, and me knowing that given I never learned empathy at any stage of my life, and my way of dealing with life was subconsciously building false narratives, there really is nothing left now, and the tragic irony for a man who emotionally hurt so many people, due to not having the tools of empathy and understanding, now those very same traits leave me with no way other than to live life in eternal and worsening misery and pain, or to end my life.

Oh the tragic irony.

That's sounds difficult and also strange that you have such insight into your own psyche. That's rare. I'm sorry life hasn't broke your way. I'm convinced life is down to rolls of dice essentially. If they don't break your way you are screwed. There's a lot of those dice rolls. Any single one can ruin you...

 

[prtsn]

I do. can't explain why but my inner world is so vast and entertaining that I sincerely have fun alone. I can't see myself as «bad» nor «good» just average but I do like myself even though most people can't keep up the pace. I have ASD, on the spectrum I'm very functional don't have any trouble socializing, had girlfriend, friends in general, can keep a conversation without being awkward but I do need recharging.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I do. can't explain why but my inner world is so vast and entertaining that I sincerely have fun alone. I can't see myself as «bad» nor «good» just average but I do like myself even though most people can't keep up the pace. I have ASD, on the spectrum I'm very functional don't have any trouble socializing, had girlfriend, friends in general, can keep a conversation without being awkward but I do need recharging.

I would say most of that resonates with me. In terms of inner world? Maybe hard to say. People say that but I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. I do have fun alone as well. I also through most of my life have had no issue socializing. That said I've spent most of the past several years for a variety of reasons alone/isolated etc... So some minor social anxiety has come into place. And some of the skills I could do I have forgotten.

 

[prtsn]

I would say most of that resonates with me. In terms of inner world? Maybe hard to say. People say that but I'm not entirely sure what that looks like. I do have fun alone as well. I also through most of my life have had no issue socializing. That said I've spent most of the past several years for a variety of reasons alone/isolated etc... So some minor social anxiety has come into place. And some of the skills I could do I have forgotten.

for me, inner world means that you're never bored. boredom comes from lack of curiosity and I can happily spent days researching topics, reading and just being on my own most of the time.

yeah, I too spent a lot of time alone/isolate but at least for me social anxiety rarely kicks in. I think my masking is strong to overcome it most of the time. hope you can back on track

 

[CH349]

I don't think I've ever gotten to the point of loving myself. Even though I'm objectively a pretty good person, trying to improve myself for years. Through my success deep down I still see myself as a waste of space even though I've achieved so much.

I think I'm just fked in the brain.

 

[brokeandbroken]

for me, inner world means that you're never bored. boredom comes from lack of curiosity and I can happily spent days researching topics, reading and just being on my own most of the time.

yeah, I too spent a lot of time alone/isolate but at least for me social anxiety rarely kicks in. I think my masking is strong to overcome it most of the time. hope you can back on track

I grew up most of my life lonely and dare I say bored. I didn't have friends, people my age didn't live near me. My parents preferred for me to not have friends with my assumption being they didn't want the work. That is to say I had to become very comfortable by myself especially as I didn't have friends in school really either. So I understand.

I don't think I've ever gotten to the point of loving myself. Even though I'm objectively a pretty good person, trying to improve myself for years. Through my success deep down I still see myself as a waste of space even though I've achieved so much.

I think I'm just fked in the brain.

I'm sorry to hear that. That sounds challenging. To achieve much and still feel like you need to do more.

 

[EndOfTheLine84]

That's sounds difficult and also strange that you have such insight into your own psyche. That's rare. I'm sorry life hasn't broke your way. I'm convinced life is down to rolls of dice essentially. If they don't break your way you are screwed. There's a lot of those dice rolls. Any single one can ruin you..

Yeah, it's statistically an extreme rarity also from what I have read into Narcissistic Personality Disorder for one to become self-aware, but I started digging into my past since I quit being an alcoholic, then bit by bit, I uncovered more and more, until I was so far down the rabbit hole that the whole NPD facade broke down.
I can't even put it into words, how I feel, the best I can do is to say that I suddenly realise that my whole life was a lie, a maladaptive lie I told myself without even realising it, due to how I was raised.
What a red pill to swallow, now i've got a childhood where I was abused psychologically, and emotionally, ruined childhood, then unknowingly used those same manipulative and maladaptive tactics in adulthood to self-sabotage any chance at happiness, where my life is full of regret, guilt, and remorse, with no positive experiences to hold onto, and I am nearly 40 years old.

The tragic part is that in 2011 the woman I was dating mentioned I may have a personality disorder, but we never googled it, that would have been a chance to get it early enough to potentially limit the damage, limit the years of damage and ignorance of me not knowing I have NPD, and almost certainly save that relationship, which is also my "one that got away" due to my NPD, even if that would have made for an interesting discovery "oh look honey I am a narcissist" lol, but that would have been the spark that got me to look more into it and her to be aware of it and aware that I wanted to fix it, sadly that opportunity was missed.
Now after finally realising in 2023 about my NPD and analysing my past for the first time in detail, I am just left a broken man.

How on earth I am supposed to go into mid-life not only with that realisation, but also with worsening physical health and an inability to forgive/feel empathy for even myself due to how I was raised?
I would effectively have to not only find a way to cope with the impossible task of accepting my past, but starting life at 40 from scratch effectively, it seems something that therapy can't fix.
Maybe I should have just avoided that whole rabbit hole, and maybe there is a reason why NPD and other antisocial/cluster B personality disorders are ones where the person with the condition never becomes aware of it.
Because it risks invalidating the meaning of everything you ever experienced, which it has done for me, effectively leaving me void of any self-identity, effectively killing me as a person whilst my body is still alive.

Rolls of the dice indeed, I agree.
Which makes life seem all the more meaningless at the end of the day, as what good is a lesson that I can't learn from, if it has caused too much damage for me to overcome?

Some people make mistakes that immediately result in the end of their life (overdosing on fentanyl or another drug for example), and what lesson can they learn from that at that point? They are dead, so nothing.
Then there are those who die due to being unlucky to have boarded a certain Malaysia Airlines flight (MH370) that went missing in 2014, or other such incidents, what lesson is there in this case? Nothing that anyone can learn, as you can't say not to travel because of that.
So many other examples.

Where is the meaning in rolls of the dice, as that is really what life is, I agree with that.

 

[themisfell]

not in the slightest. i think if i loved myself, i wouldn't be here.

 

[Meditation guide]

Pretty much the title... Just curious because as much as I hate the vast majority of humanity.... I think I hate myself more...

It sounds conceited but I love myself. It's part of the difficulty of this ctb plan.

I like being me. I like the way I think. I like the way I view things. I would rather be me than someone else.

But nobody else does. So what am I lead to believe? That there's no place for me here? Would it be better for me if I could blame myself for being a shitty person instead of liking myself? I dunno.

Very well explained. When you're different you have to have a thick skin and realize that people don't understand you and you are ok with that. Your intelligence, which is your strength, will also save you from a lot of grief over other people since you are able to understand things well.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Yeah, it's statistically an extreme rarity also from what I have read into Narcissistic Personality Disorder for one to become self-aware, but I started digging into my past since I quit being an alcoholic, then bit by bit, I uncovered more and more, until I was so far down the rabbit hole that the whole NPD facade broke down.
I can't even put it into words, how I feel, the best I can do is to say that I suddenly realise that my whole life was a lie, a maladaptive lie I told myself without even realising it, due to how I was raised.
What a red pill to swallow, now i've got a childhood where I was abused psychologically, and emotionally, ruined childhood, then unknowingly used those same manipulative and maladaptive tactics in adulthood to self-sabotage any chance at happiness, where my life is full of regret, guilt, and remorse, with no positive experiences to hold onto, and I am nearly 40 years old.

The tragic part is that in 2011 the woman I was dating mentioned I may have a personality disorder, but we never googled it, that would have been a chance to get it early enough to potentially limit the damage, limit the years of damage and ignorance of me not knowing I have NPD, and almost certainly save that relationship, which is also my "one that got away" due to my NPD, even if that would have made for an interesting discovery "oh look honey I am a narcissist" lol, but that would have been the spark that got me to look more into it and her to be aware of it and aware that I wanted to fix it, sadly that opportunity was missed.
Now after finally realising in 2023 about my NPD and analysing my past for the first time in detail, I am just left a broken man.

How on earth I am supposed to go into mid-life not only with that realisation, but also with worsening physical health and an inability to forgive/feel empathy for even myself due to how I was raised?
I would effectively have to not only find a way to cope with the impossible task of accepting my past, but starting life at 40 from scratch effectively, it seems something that therapy can't fix.
Maybe I should have just avoided that whole rabbit hole, and maybe there is a reason why NPD and other antisocial/cluster B personality disorders are ones where the person with the condition never becomes aware of it.
Because it risks invalidating the meaning of everything you ever experienced, which it has done for me, effectively leaving me void of any self-identity, effectively killing me as a person whilst my body is still alive.

Rolls of the dice indeed, I agree.
Which makes life seem all the more meaningless at the end of the day, as what good is a lesson that I can't learn from, if it has caused too much damage for me to overcome?

Some people make mistakes that immediately result in the end of their life (overdosing on fentanyl or another drug for example), and what lesson can they learn from that at that point? They are dead, so nothing.
Then there are those who die due to being unlucky to have boarded a certain Malaysia Airlines flight (MH370) that went missing in 2014, or other such incidents, what lesson is there in this case? Nothing that anyone can learn, as you can't say not to travel because of that.
So many other examples.

Where is the meaning in rolls of the dice, as that is really what life is, I agree with that.

I mean you said life is meaningless. Factually speaking in terms of life and making an impact on the world. Many sayings and things speak to how changing one person's life can cause a whole bunch of meaning. I disagree. I think the amount of people on the planet who mean anything are quite small. The rest are support. Auxiliary components so those with power and influence can continue to have meaning. Simply put most people's lives deep down are meaningless. Except maybe to your family and friends. But society has diminished their roles as well. People don't have the social bonds we used to. Society has effectively became about working to barely survive in order to give someone else's life meaning...

In order to contribute meaningfully to the world. You need to do everything right. All the dice rolls have to break your way. Even then you may not. If one doesn't break your way your screwed. That's what happened to me. I was on the path to giving meaning to the world as a doctor. Instead I was the victim of crimes. And just like that snatched from my hands. Gone in a flash. No help. Instantly to the margins of society. Homeless. No familial help. Nothing. Everything gone. That's apparently life.

not in the slightest. i think if i loved myself, i wouldn't be here.

Oh?