Well, as I am someone who has just woken up and had the denial total lift off my whole past false narrative of the NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder), and now I can see everything that I thought about the past interactions with the people closest to me in my life, that is was all a lie that my subconscious and NPD told my conscious mind, saying that it was everyone else's fault, and now I see that it was all me, I pushed away and hurt those closest to me, those that I needed and valued in my life, including the woman of my dreams 12 years ago after we got married, and I didn't even realise that a dark hidden side of me was writing emails that I never remember writing which were nasty and clearly designed to make her run away from me, and she tried to get it to work with me, but I was not really in charge, the dark side of me was subconsciously, hurting her when she attempted to come close, and eventually she ended up in the arms of another man, who she is still with to this day, and I had suppressed the memories unknowingly until this day with the narrative I thought was one of her leaving me, when this could not be further from the truth.
Now I am a shell of a man, abused in childhood by my two narcissistic parents, one of which was my alcoholic abusive father who would beat my mother black and blue, all in front of me, and then both would ignore me when I went to show them something or speak to them, or anything that required them giving me attention even for a second.
My childhood was one of trauma, shouted at and insulted for everything or outright ignored.
Therapy helped me realise that this had damaged the way I developed my attachment style, and this would then follow on throughout my life as the years passed, and was why I would stare at the ground alone at lunch time at school, and in high school would throw desks at the teacher in defiance and aggression and rage.
Wrote my first suicide poem at age 11,, and my mother scolded me with anger for disrespecting her for doing so.
As an adult I have lost everything that I loved through the damage that was caused in childhood by my abuse, and then affecting my ability to form any sort of friendships or perform well at school in all stages of my schooling, and then as an adult I found alcohol, which made me feel better temporarily, but caused me to go gradually into an ever descending downward spiral, and now I look back sober for 3 years (yay "you should be proud everyone says", and I just give them a stone cold look, they just don't understand, that my whole life has been trauma and loss, and pain, seeing opportunities slip away due to my NPD, and being unable to take those opportunities because of the NPD, including the woman of my dreams who wanted to love me so much, but my NPD took over and closed her out due to what I now know is it's deep fear of abandonment that my parents caused to maladaptively develop inside me.
Now I look back to my whole past, and see no joy, nothing there except what could have been, painfully and tragically stolen from me, worse than having been in a coma for those years as I can see what I could have had, and what was painfully taken away by NPD caused by my childhood trauma, pain all through my life, pain and loss and misery, all the way up to now where I am almost 40 years old, and seeing the love of my life happy and married to the man that she replaced me with 12 years ago, and more wreckage along the way, so there is nothing to hold onto from my past, just pain I caused others that drove them away, and ultimately as I hurt the ones I loved, the ones closest to me that I needed and wanted in my life, that ultimately hurts me, and the present I feel guilt, shame, anger, frustration, regret, hopelessness hatred of myself and hatred of my parents who betrayed me.
There is no future for me, as I am already dead inside, I died long ago, or maybe I never existed at all, my body a wandering suffeering breathing corpse, wandering the earth in pain and suffering and despair until old age end my suffering? I don't think that is fair on me, it gives me great sadness to have to admit that my entire life was ultimately a failure, even though I tried my best, and endured great suffering, but I must now have the courage to finally admit that enough is enough and it is time, the 11 year old me who decided to see if life gets any better in the coming years, to my 11 year old self from back in 1996 I sadly have to say tom him that it sadly did not get any better, only more pain and misery, tragic heartbreak and loss. I know how he would react, he would nod his head at me that 11 year old me from 1996, and say "I understand, you did your best, but it's time now", it's time to find peace that I could never find in this world, let alone the fact I only ever got teased with grasping any joy, but it was all out of reach due to the NPD caused by childhood abuse that I never asked for and never deserved. To hate myself, yes maybe I do, so I have realised that I am both giving myself the death penalty, and at the same time showing myself the ultimate merciful pathway to peace, not on this earth, but in whatever comes next, even that is total nothingness, as if to be unborn, then that is fine by me, because I can not imagine anything worse than what I have had to endure whilst alive in my life, and indeed it is time to call this fight off, and let me rest in peace, leaving all the traumatic emotions that I could never handle nor make sense of, and even though I was never taught how to have empathy, I will show myself mercy, for that is the least that I deserve, even if I hate myself for all the pain I have caused others, and I am sorry for such, I am so deeply sorry, not least to my 11 year old self who wrote that beautiful suicide poem called "suicide, I'm already dead inside" back in 1996, and that title fits perfectly for how I feel now. There is nothing left for me, and there was nothing here for me to begin with, no sense of self-identity, hollow inside, now it's time for my body to catch up to the soul I never had, the ego which never truly existed as anything other than a fabrication of my NPD, and so as I can not access a dignified death due to people seeing Narcissists as cruel and deserving the pain and misery we get, and as right to die as being overall not seen as something that society needs to do sadly, I will being myself deliverance from this torment in a way which I care not for how undignified and messy it is for those who would find me after I am finally free from this suffering, but a way that will give me the best odds of successfully ending my suffering, carefully and meticulously planned, not in a "crisis" as the mental health lingo says, but in the empty and hollow cold calm of a man who either never lived, or who died many years ago, my final act will be one of great effort and planning, and attention to detail to ensure the best chances of success, as I expect nothing less, from a life of complete and utter failure as a man, at least my final act can be the first and last success of this existence, and then I shall be free.
No more hatred, no more pain, no more anything, finally free.
