Do you all like/love yourself?

[Moxim]

Not particularly, no. I'm a fraud with severe (but merited) imposter syndrome in the course that I'm studying. I cheese every test and quiz with chatgpt and the fact that it is openbook. I'm terrified for next year, when I get posted to a hospital or a clinic, and my incompetence becomes known, but hopefully I will be dead before this scenario comes to pass.

 

[timetodie24]

Is you wanting to CTB an act of love?

No. I want to suffer before and when i die. It's just it's so hard to live with myself that I can't keep doing it. Maybe i don't deserve to relieve myself of it but there's no reason for me to stay. And i'll relieve others of me so maybe an act of love to family/friends but that's not my main motivation.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Not particularly, no. I'm a fraud with severe (but merited) imposter syndrome in the course that I'm studying. I cheese every test and quiz with chatgpt and the fact that it is openbook. I'm terrified for next year, when I get posted to a hospital or a clinic, and my incompetence becomes known, but hopefully I will be dead before this scenario comes to pass.

If it is open book why are you using ChatGPT? I assume you got into the course by your own merits did you not? If the course is allowing open book and presumably ChatGPT that seems to me they expect little in the way of competence. You have time to adjust your sails if needed. Seems to me a failing on the part of the course/university then yourself. One can only make the most of the situations they are in and hope it results in something good. You just hope if things go wrong those around you have your back and fight for you. That isn't always the case. Good luck.

No. I want to suffer before and when i die. It's just it's so hard to live with myself that I can't keep doing it. Maybe i don't deserve to relieve myself of it but there's no reason for me to stay. And i'll relieve others of me so maybe an act of love to family/friends but that's not my main motivation.

That's terrible I am sorry to hear that. I hope you find peace.

 

[kocto]

hell no i don't

 

[Ambivalent1]

Yeah but I hate how my brain reacted to the trauma. Weak brain

 

[Moxim]

If it is open book why are you using ChatGPT? I assume you got into the course by your own merits did you not? If the course is allowing open book and presumably ChatGPT that seems to me they expect little in the way of competence. You have time to adjust your sails if needed. Seems to me a failing on the part of the course/university then yourself. One can only make the most of the situations they are in and hope it results in something good. You just hope if things go wrong those around you have your back and fight for you. That isn't always the case. Good luck.

That's terrible I am sorry to hear that. I hope you find peace.

I should mention that I never plagiarise written work off chatgpt, I only ever use it as a faster google. I did enter the course entirely legitimately. I'm not sure how other countries manage tertiary education entry requirements, but here in Australia you receive something called an ATAR (Australian Tertiary Admission Rank) based off your grades in your final year of high school. If you do not finish school, or do not receive an ATAR, you can still get one by sitting a special test. I actually did both because I thought I could score a higher ATAR through the test than what I got from my final year 12 grades. The special test is essentially an aptitude test, so you can't study for it.

seems to me they expect little in the way of competence.

For now. There is a lot of motor skill and image interpretation, neither of which can be googled or solved by chatgpt (Echocardiograms / Electrocardiograms). Thanks for responding btw, I was a little discouraged because nobody seemed interested in my beta blocker thread.

 

[lilypeachoo]

I hate myself so much. I am my biggest hater.

 

[SpiderLink]

Pretty much the title... Just curious because as much as I hate the vast majority of humanity.... I think I hate myself more...

I hate myself, it's tiring living inside something I hate. I just wish I wasn't so broken

 

[Gloomislost]

Pretty much the title... Just curious because as much as I hate the vast majority of humanity.... I think I hate myself more...

I hate myself because despite nice life gets for me, I still feel shitty and want to die.

 

[dump224477]

i hate my body. i don't mind my personality.

 

[chop]

I wouldn't say I hate myself but I do not like the choices I've made as a human, when I look back on it and realize the consequences I could have avoided if I didn't do (x) this or (x) that I certainly do think that I do not like myself, I know I can do better.

 

[nessun_nome]

Pretty much the title... Just curious because as much as I hate the vast majority of humanity.... I think I hate myself more...

I don't hate humanity. There are some very good people out there (and very bad).

I hate myself and think I am worthless as a human being (as opposed to being a functional entity).

 

[pinkribbonscars]

My self hatred is ultimately why I'm going to ctb soon, as I just can't live with myself anymore.

I cannot tell you why. I don't think anyone I know would see me as a particularly bad person or anything. It is an irrational complex I cannot seem to solve and no longer one I wish to fight. I succumb to defeat. I no longer live out of spite. I die out of spite. Fuck this life and fuck my self.

 

[Hunter2005]

I used to love myself but over the last few years I started to hate myself

 

[edvynnnn]

i dont like or love myself at all. never have.

 

[brokeandbroken]

hell no i don't

I am sorry to hear that.

I should mention that I never plagiarise written work off chatgpt, I only ever use it as a faster google. I did enter the course entirely legitimately. I'm not sure how other countries manage tertiary education entry requirements, but here in Australia you receive something called an ATAR (Australian Tertiary Admission Rank) based off your grades in your final year of high school. If you do not finish school, or do not receive an ATAR, you can still get one by sitting a special test. I actually did both because I thought I could score a higher ATAR through the test than what I got from my final year 12 grades. The special test is essentially an aptitude test, so you can't study for it.

in the US it's a combination of gpa+ACT/SAT. Sounds like you have everything under control. Good luck. Love your country by the way.

For now. There is a lot of motor skill and image interpretation, neither of which can be googled or solved by chatgpt (Echocardiograms / Electrocardiograms). Thanks for responding btw, I was a little discouraged because nobody seemed interested in my beta blocker thread.

For your aptitude test you need to read EKG?

Beta Blocker thread? Post a link I will check it out.

I hate myself so much. I am my biggest hater.

I hope you are able to find peace.

I hate myself, it's tiring living inside something I hate. I just wish I wasn't so broken

Trust me I know all too well what it means to be broken. Is it your body you hate?

I hate myself because despite nice life gets for me, I still feel shitty and want to die.

Do you know why?

i hate my body. i don't mind my personality.

I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully you can learn to love your body. Let your personality shine.

I wouldn't say I hate myself but I do not like the choices I've made as a human, when I look back on it and realize the consequences I could have avoided if I didn't do (x) this or (x) that I certainly do think that I do not like myself, I know I can do better.

Life is a learning experience. You can only hope to learn from your mistakes and do better.

I don't hate humanity. There are some very good people out there (and very bad).

I hate myself and think I am worthless as a human being (as opposed to being a functional entity).

I find the good people to be far and few between. I wish I knew more. That said to be far I am fairly jaded. Not receiving help when you desperately need it will do that.

If it matter I believe you have value as human being!

My self hatred is ultimately why I'm going to ctb soon, as I just can't live with myself anymore.

I cannot tell you why. I don't think anyone I know would see me as a particularly bad person or anything. It is an irrational complex I cannot seem to solve and no longer one I wish to fight. I succumb to defeat. I no longer live out of spite. I die out of spite. Fuck this life and fuck my self.

Have you been rejected from society? So you are projecting inwards what you feel outwards?

I used to love myself but over the last few years I started to hate myself

Why is that?

i dont like or love myself at all. never have.

That's probably reasonably healthy.

 

[DeathSleep]

I don't love myself but I don't think I hate myself. The more time that goes on though the more I seem to dislike myself. I wish I were different than I am. I do hate my situation. I'm definitely not a fan of this world.

 

[Moxim]

in the US it's a combination of gpa+ACT/SAT. Sounds like you have everything under control. Good luck. Love your country by the way.

For your aptitude test you need to read EKG?

Beta Blocker thread? Post a link I will check it out.

The aptitude test was a whole set of novel problems and multiple choice solutions totally unrelated to my area of study. Iirc, the questions ranged from old photograph development, braille sheet music and cellphone circuit boards, and all the information required to answer each question was provided. Also had written essay component. All very novel, though. It was essentially a fluid intelligence test. Obviously it couldn't test for discipline, time management skills or ability to keep a stable sleeping pattern, all of which important for any kind of academic success. There is currently a bigger push to learn echo over ekg, so most of my extremely little knowledge is in echo. I am still very novice on all fronts.

You can see my thread here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...de-carbon-monoxide-and-some-ramblings.129944/
and correct anything I got wrong if you notice anything out of place.

And yes, thank you, I love Australia, too. It's a fantastic country that has treated me far better than I deserve. Thanks for taking an interest, where are you from? Do you like your home country?

 

[Obscene Machine]

I guess a little bit. There's definitely a lot about myself I dislike, but I also feel like I have some capabilities and a way of thinking most people lack. I'd say I hate and like myself almost equally, so I'm neutral towards myself

 

[brokeandbroken]

I don't love myself but I don't think I hate myself. The more time that goes on though the more I seem to dislike myself. I wish I were different than I am. I do hate my situation. I'm definitely not a fan of this world.

The aptitude test was a whole set of novel problems and multiple choice solutions totally unrelated to my area of study. Iirc, the questions ranged from old photograph development, braille sheet music and cellphone circuit boards, and all the information required to answer each question was provided. Also had written essay component. All very novel, though. It was essentially a fluid intelligence test. Obviously it couldn't test for discipline, time management skills or ability to keep a stable sleeping pattern, all of which important for any kind of academic success. There is currently a bigger push to learn echo over ekg, so most of my extremely little knowledge is in echo. I am still very novice on all fronts.

You can see my thread here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...de-carbon-monoxide-and-some-ramblings.129944/
and correct anything I got wrong if you notice anything out of place.

And yes, thank you, I love Australia, too. It's a fantastic country that has treated me far better than I deserve. Thanks for taking an interest, where are you from? Do you like your home country?

I responded to you post. So you essentially took an IQ test? They are two different tests? Why Echo measuring ejection fraction vs EKG measuring heart impulses? I assume you are in medicine?

US. And ehh I am not sure. I loved it for most of my life. But after spending four years in medical overseas (Poland) and being victim of crimes by the medical school (see my other posts).... Coming home and even whilst overseas I asked for help from family, friends, etc... Everyone kind of turned their back on me and moved on. I am now effectively homeless. I feel let down by everyone including my country(men), family, friends, and government.... It's disappointing. I worked my ass off to try and make something of myself. It seems like everyone's priorities are with those who haven't....

In a sense I respect Poland despite the crimes happening there because they look out for each other and care for one another. In the US no one cares about you including your own family I guess. It just felt like people were waiting for me to stumble so they could let me fall. So like? Not really I don't like the (lack of) culture and togetherness here. I always felt like if I needed help in a situation like this the government, or someone would be there to lend a hand, pick you up when down. If anything it's more of a boot on your chest keeping you there. I felt like if you were trying to make something of yourself and I was. I was trying to be an oncologist and something like this happened. Then you'd get help and support. If anything it is the opposite...

As far as Australia I was there some years ago at the start of my medical journey to work in Queensland at a medical clinic. Nice country and nicer people.

I guess a little bit. There's definitely a lot about myself I dislike, but I also feel like I have some capabilities and a way of thinking most people lack. I'd say I hate and like myself almost equally, so I'm neutral towards myself

That seems to be a somewhat popular answer. Seems healthy to me.

 

[Moxim]

I responded to you post. So you essentially took an IQ test?

Sort of, but not exactly. An IQ test would result in an IQ score, whereas my test produced an ATAR score. IQ tests are usually more comprehensive and make use of lots of specific tests to target singular cognitive faculties, e.g. digit span for working memory. Maybe I wasn't very clear. The aptitude test I sat years ago, before I was even admitted to the course. It granted me the ability to apply to my course, but beyond that it serves no relevance to my current situation. The tests I'm required to sit now are all related to cardiac physiology in some way that require lots of memorization, as is common in any life science degree. The tests and exams are online, and are openbook, which I exploit to the fullest and feel guilty for. If I had to sit these tests in person on campus, I would almost certainly fail. The only silver lining I hold on to is that there is a disconnect between all the academics and theory and the actual hands-on work.

I assume you are in medicine?

Very generous of you to assume something so highly of me, but alas, no. The degree is referred to as cardiac physiology, which in full requires me to know and be competent in non-invasive cardiac diagnostic testing, a whole bunch of shit relating to the cardiac catheter lab, cardiac implant device testing, transthoracic echocardiograms (but not transesophageal ecgs) and operating electrophysiology equipment. Jesus fucking christ, just typing all that out sent shivers of self-doubt down my spine. Still probably easier than pharmacy, though.

US. And ehh I am not sure. I loved it for most of my life. But after spending four years in medical overseas (Poland) and being victim of crimes by the medical school (see my other posts).... Coming home and even whilst overseas I asked for help from family, friends, etc... Everyone kind of turned their back on me and moved on. I am now effectively homeless. I feel let down by everyone including my country(men), family, friends, and government.... It's disappointing. I worked my ass off to try and make something of myself. It seems like everyone's priorities are with those who haven't....

In a sense I respect Poland despite the crimes happening there because they look out for each other and care for one another. In the US no one cares about you including your own family I guess. It just felt like people were waiting for me to stumble so they could let me fall. So like? Not really I don't like the (lack of) culture and togetherness here. I always felt like if I needed help in a situation like this the government, or someone would be there to lend a hand, pick you up when down. If anything it's more of a boot on your chest keeping you there. I felt like if you were trying to make something of yourself and I was. I was trying to be an oncologist and something like this happened. Then you'd get help and support. If anything it is the opposite...

As far as Australia I was there some years ago at the start of my medical journey to work in Queensland at a medical clinic. Nice country and nicer people.

Your story sounds unjust and cruel. I'd love to read your posts, but you would have to direct me there as I can't view your profile. I too am trying to make something of myself, but my faith is waning. Have you ever considered returning to Australia for work in some way? I live in Queensland now, so funny you should mention that you did some of your residency here. I actually moved here from Western Australia to study this, a decision that is sure to make me look double the fool if I fail. It's part of the reason why I wish to complete my current semester before making any mortal decisions, lest I add one more failure to the list before I go. Also, if you don't mind me asking, why oncology? I use to have great fantasies and dreams of becoming a psychiatrist, but I always knew these were to only ever be fantasies and never goals given my current capacities and capabilities.

Thanks for the response.

 

[brokeandbroken]

I don't love myself but I don't think I hate myself. The more time that goes on though the more I seem to dislike myself. I wish I were different than I am. I do hate my situation. I'm definitely not a fan of this world.

I'm not entirely sure what happened to the reply.... I didn't forget about you. I'm tremendously sorry. I can't say I am a fan of this world either. I know what it is like to hate the situation one is in. Hopefully you are able to find a satisfactory solution to your situation.

Sort of, but not exactly. An IQ test would result in an IQ score, whereas my test produced an ATAR score. IQ tests are usually more comprehensive and make use of lots of specific tests to target singular cognitive faculties, e.g. digit span for working memory. Maybe I wasn't very clear. The aptitude test I sat years ago, before I was even admitted to the course. It granted me the ability to apply to my course, but beyond that it serves no relevance to my current situation. The tests I'm required to sit now are all related to cardiac physiology in some way that require lots of memorization, as is common in any life science degree. The tests and exams are online, and are openbook, which I exploit to the fullest and feel guilty for. If I had to sit these tests in person on campus, I would almost certainly fail. The only silver lining I hold on to is that there is a disconnect between all the academics and theory and the actual hands-on work.

First and foremost sorry for the typos that I cannot edit out.... I am notoriously bad at proofreading... It seems to be a theme in what I am writing.... It's frustrating because I cannot communicate as well as I could....

Moving on. Ahh gotcha I think I said "like" I wasn't sure what test you were referring to. Though to be fair I have never heard of ATAR before. Are you studying?

Very generous of you to assume something so highly of me, but alas, no. The degree is referred to as cardiac physiology, which in full requires me to know and be competent in non-invasive cardiac diagnostic testing, a whole bunch of shit relating to the cardiac catheter lab, cardiac implant device testing, transthoracic echocardiograms (but not transesophageal ecgs) and operating electrophysiology equipment. Jesus fucking christ, just typing all that out sent shivers of self-doubt down my spine. Still probably easier than pharmacy, though.

Hopefully you are finding it interesting!

Your story sounds unjust and cruel. I'd love to read your posts, but you would have to direct me there as I can't view your profile. I too am trying to make something of myself, but my faith is waning. Have you ever considered returning to Australia for work in some way? I live in Queensland now, so funny you should mention that you did some of your residency here. I actually moved here from Western Australia to study this, a decision that is sure to make me look double the fool if I fail. It's part of the reason why I wish to complete my current semester before making any mortal decisions, lest I add one more failure to the list before I go. Also, if you don't mind me asking, why oncology? I use to have great fantasies and dreams of becoming a psychiatrist, but I always knew these were to only ever be fantasies and never goals given my current capacities and capabilities.

Thanks for the response.

I'm not sure I actually typed it out as opposed to intimating what happened. If you want I DM you what happened as I am sure people here aren't going to want to read it.... I am more then happy to. It's 2 pages in word though I can probably condense it down for here potentially though it is a little complex.

That would require money and etc... to do. I think I would need a visa. I didn't do my residency there. I just interned while in university there during the summer. Like I said it was the start. Summer abroad that type of thing.

You seem really burdened by feelings of inadequacy I am sorry. Seems to me if you worked hard you could potentially achieve your dreams.... Like I said I wish you the best of look.

I have been interested in medicine for most of my life always felt drawn to it. In the school where I went once you finished your work you read... I always finished my work as fast as possible to read... The teacher had a book series about children afflicted with cancer. After that I both was interested in it and scared of it. I was always interested in being a doctor but wasn't sure if I wanted to do all of the schooling etc... after high school. 4 years undergrad, 4 years medical school, + residency. So in high school I took a lot of business classes as my dad is a successful businessman... Naturally I entered university as a business major but quickly realized it was devoid of meaning and felt the tug to become a doctor and give my life meaning. I went through university did all the pre-med classes, etc.... After university I was contacted by a scribe company and I quickly started scribing for a doctor in a medical clinic. That medical clinic just so happened to be in oncology. As much as one could like that type of thing I did. The science is interesting, the patients are all warriors and people you can look up to, and just enjoyed it. You dealt with the bad (patients succumbing to it) and the good (patients becoming cancer free). In medical school I was in the oncology research group for 4 years and president for the last one. Hopefully that answers your question.

Keep up your hard work and good luck.

 

[SpiderLink]

Trust me I know all too well what it means to be broken. Is it your body you hate?

Not necessarily

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

You put it pleasantly,, myself more then anyone else, and man do I hate humans in general,
Since my golly gosh!
do I hate myself a hell of a lot more
then my hate and disdain towards general society.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Not necessarily

Oh interesting. That's good I think?

You put it pleasantly,, myself more then anyone else, and man do I hate humans in general,
Since my golly gosh!
do I hate myself a hell of a lot more
then my hate and disdain towards general society.

Interesting. I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like a lot of hatred. Something I know probably too well.

 

[Ferret77]

No, not really. I am destroying myself, so that other people can't...And it's the worst kind of having control, but it's the only form, I know.
I'm embarassed to be alive. That's the thing about people, who haven't been loved much...

 

[JustABug]

I like myself enough to enjoy my own company. I could talk with myself for hours. If I were to live alone in my own company for however long, I don't believe i'd take my life.

 

[tpboy]

I have this, too. After my mom died about 2 1/2 years ago, there was absolutely no one left who cared about me in this world. Actually, there's no one left in my family at all. Never made any friendships that lasted. It is abnormal. I mean for 55 years of my life, I always knew there was someone who absolutely loved me without a doubt. Then, in the blink of an eye, there is no one. It's surreal really.

can totally relate

If I liked or loved myself I wouldn't want to kill myself.

you may if you were very injured or very sick, in a lot of pain

 

[brokeandbroken]

No, not really. I am destroying myself, so that other people can't...And it's the worst kind of having control, but it's the only form, I know.
I'm embarassed to be alive. That's the thing about people, who haven't been loved much...

There's some truth to that. I am terribly sorry you haven't been loved. Everyone does to be.

I like myself enough to enjoy my own company. I could talk with myself for hours. If I were to live alone in my own company for however long, I don't believe i'd take my life.

Interesting. You wouldn't go stir crazy or crave conversation or anything?

 

[MyFinalProject]

I like some things about myself but I really don't love myself so it's like something in between