Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[wannabeangel]

i got so close to cutting myself last night, i still keep my blades even tho im 1175 days clean. i still wanna break it even tho it sucks breaking such a long streak, but i never wanted to stop in the first place. i still keep wanting to just die but i dont have SN and i feel so much guilt for the pain it will bring my family. i wanna erase my existence so my leaving would cause no pain. or something takes me out so they dont feel like its their fault or that they couldve stopped it. i dunno what im doing anymore, im just watching time pass by, time i thought i wouldnt be alone in. but its my fault im alone, so i should just accept that.

i keep daydreaming about stuff i could do if i couuld just leave the house on my own, i just want to go to the library or shop or just be outside but im stuck in my room. if i had a electric wheelchair i could do so much more but i cant push myself long enough in my shitty manual chair and its not even custom for me my insurance didnt get me that yet for some reason so its just bullshit, i want to do more on my own. i added a good case to my ipad to take out with me and use as my AAC when i cant talk especially to strangers so thats one support need fixed but not everything, i cant be independent how i want. at least i think i found someone that wants to support me... im scared it'll be messed up tho, and i still keep being so suicidal. i dont think anyone could really fix me, im just waiting for the day the pain fully outweighs the guilt thats keeping me stuck here