There is a massive forest near where I live. Im thinking of bringing sedatives and alcahol with me and walking really deep into the forest to the long fields of grass and beyond. Then I wanna maybe find a river , strip , jump in and just lie down on the muddy ground all night and wait to die. I plan on depriving myself of sleep for about 3 days beforehand. And zero to extremely little food and drink for 3 days before
That won't work.. you'll cave in I promise.. you're built to cave in.. if you're going to a method.. try something that will kill you in minutes not days.. or better kill you instantly.. but if you feel the need for ceremony before your death do it without hurting yourself and then make your split second attempt.. I.e gunshot, hanging, SN, jump from a very high building or whatnot.. because you will cave.. and then you'll feel worse because you couldn't pull it off.. and trust me you feel like a pile of shit in every way.. mentally and physically.. because doing that to yourself is physically draining., and it may take a solid year or more to physically get back up to speed to feel like you can kill yourself again.. and then you feel like even more of a failure because you couldn't effectively kill yourself.. it's a brutal experience to survive.. it's brutal and traumatizing and then your depression is all mixed up With suicide failure trauma.. it's a mess.. only head doctors and only a little because we don't talk like this ever.. know this side of me.. nobody else does.. nobody can stomach me and this level of reality.. but been there and done that with the ceremony and the dragging it out and blah blah blah.. trust me.. you fail and just fuck yourself up in the head more.. and then you're a whole other person and the old you is never coming back.. but it's nice to be fully blunt about I feel about these things that are almost always on my mind for years now.. no matter how "good" or eased up the depression gets.. there is always a hint of SI with me.. I may go a week or more and not think about it but never Gone a month.. not in years and years.. and they can't lock you away forever.. and even with SI they may not put you in the hospital.. they don't always do that.. nobody has time to babysit like that.. and that's all it is.. adult babysitting.. and half the time delaying inevitable or just adjusting some schizophrenic or manic depressives meds.. the occasional borderline cutter might drop in after they've hacked themselves to pieces.. and see the doctors they treat acute situations.. so they just make sure I'm not jumping off a ledge any time soon and leave to my ways.. they don't care that much.. I've been technically suicidal the entire last two years.. that was the last time I was in a hospital.. I know there is no point in bothering myself with a hospital anymore.. they don't care and I don't care and we mutually don't give a fuck.. so I don't bother myself faith that level of ceremony anymore.. it has a certain ceremonial aspect to it.. you go to the er.. tell a doctor.. they bag all your crap..
Observe you for a while while they wait for a hospital to take you in.. you either go in their psych ward at the hospital if they ah e one or you get an ambulance Ride to one.. then you get checked in and all your crap gone through.. then you spend 3-7 days usually sleeping and reading books and watching legit off the wall people lose their shit.. so somebody like me just stays to my room and doesn't come unless it's for meals.. occasional movie maybe if the majorly Messed up people aren't around.. and there are always the people crying on the pay phones begging their moms to get them out of their and blah blah blah.. those people are like clockwork.. you can spot them the second they walk in.. I just read books and watch a little tv and sleep.. sometimes I'll do the art therapy but my art might upset the other patients.. music therapy I don't bother with anymore because everybody gets to play a song and they always refuse to play my songs.. to be fair I am always being extra sassy with the song I choose.. and they know it.. but there is a ceremony to it all.. and they're all The same and all a little different in just details.. the major detail to worry Yourself about is how good is their food.. you're almost always out within 3-7 days.. and it doesn't really do anything.. you might catch up on sleep or the book you wanted time to read.. they'll pump you full of Meds.. that's about it.. as long as you don't do anything crazy or treat the staff insane.. you get out so fast.. the only time I stay longer is for active suicide attempt.. one time they kept me because my anxiety was so bad with My depression i was passing out and throwing up.. I saw their lifeless little chicken dinner and it made my blood pressure drop and I had a full blown anxiety attack and threw up everywhere.. I have no idea what about that chicken made me have an attack.. that place was awful though.. some of the rudest most hateful evil staff.. but if you do all that and lay in mud for days and don't eat.. somebody will find you before you're dead.. you'll be in that type of hospital situation for at least a few weeks.. active attempts get you a solid two weeks or more stuck in there.. or you'll cave and need some sort
Of medical attention.. I mean unless you tell the doctor why.. they can't do anything but they'll suspect you highly.. mine.. when I went through all that for a week.. a freakin week.. I was in the hospital for a month.. I weighed maybe one hundred pounds when I left.. and the meds they had me on were so strong that I was throwing up all day and it was constant shots of zofran.. it wasn't just Lexapro it was hard core doses of abilify and other drugs.. they wouldn't let me leave there without a month long shot of abilify at 400 mg.. I was so thin and malnourished and the rest. Doctors couldn't figure out how I was standing or talking.. I was in really bad shape.. it wasn't just my mental health it was my physical health.. by the time they got me in the er they gave me a 10 mg shot of geodone.. I could barely
Walk for two days.. it's brutal.. brutal brutal..
I mean it's hardcore awful shit.. you get ran through a ringer you can't imagine.. when you attempt and fail at that level.. and when you attempt at that level.. or my level I attempted at.. doctors realize you ain't messin around.. and they make sure you can't walk for two days from meds when they get your ass in there.. but on the bright side.. if you do fail or change your mind mid attempt.. and that's fine.. you'll see who's really your friend and family.. and if nobody comes around that's fine too and you'll learn how to live life without them and you realized you never needed them at all.. and if they can't bother themselves to come around when it's that bad.. and it's bad.. it's about as bad as it gets.. you didn't need them ever.. but yeah.. I have vague memories of failing and being shot up with all that geodone.. and two big huge dudes had to carry me by each arm to my bed and I couldn't leave it for about two days.. and you're in nothing but a hospital gown and socks.. I just remember freezing and it being so cold and the whole world seemed like it was spinning.. like in a movie.. like when you see the screen move spinning like somebody is drugged.. that's exactly what it's like except you're in a psych ward.. so if you fail at that level just remember you will get taken down with a horse tranquilizer.. because that's what it takes at that level.. 10 mg iv geodone is a horse tranquilizer.. once you get that shot in the hospital.. you and the doctors are at war.. and they know it.. but that's so far in my past med history.. new doctors are unaware.. they don't look that far back.. and trust me they are blissful in their ignorance.. and I love every minute of it.. anyways.. that level and ceremony with the attempt.. do what makes you feel good about ending it.. either way do you.. but I'd definitely Keep the attempt simple.. because after that.. if they catch you.. oh sweety it's on.. it's on for you too.. don't forget that.. because once they're in that territory and they can't clear it.. and they haven't with me yet.. they really don't have the first idea what's going on in your head.. and sometimes that's the sad reality.. life and family and the rest gets you to that point and the doctors can't clear it out.. like doctors have no idea I've been mildly to moderately suicidal for the past two years.. nor would I tell them.. I'm doing good if I can go ten days without thinking about suicide.. and that's been a minute.. anyways I know if I attempt I have to be super low key. Can't even say here when.. or where or how.. and I know I have to get it done.. your attempt plans worry me but they're yours so do what you want.. excuse when I was similar in that way years ago.. there is an element of psychosis to it.. an element after that experience I rid myself of.. you could not be psychotic.. and that's cool.. but I remember making it romantic in a way there was an element of psychosis to it for me.. that after that insane hospital visit I made sure was knocked out of me.. I'm just trying to be real with you here.. you're brain and body are hard wired to survive.. and even in the depths of depression.. when it gets to things like that.. your body will survive at all costs.. and before you know it you're being dragged by two giant dudes drugged out of your mind.. by the way.. if anything of that sort happens.. I didn't say your family and friends couldn't be mad at you and vice versa.. just be careful about who sticks around for real.. my little sister wouldn't even bring me my underwear.. I had to wear hospital mesh panties for a month.. that's not just being angry at you.. angry will still bring you underwear.. that's saying they are making a stance to never come back to your life.. and she can't.. they can't.. they never have the option to come back.. if they can't figure out to treat me humanely enough with my own freaking underwear.. they have chosen their line in the sand that I drew. And there is no coming back from that.. and see.. things like this when they get messed up and they almost always do.. you see true colors out of people you don't want to see their true colors.. you want the illusion to some degree even if they're superficial.. because that's makes you massively depressed as well on top of the rest.. it's not that you didn't know it was superficial to some degree.. but now you have to fully admit it that they are.. they treat you so bad and like nothing at such a low you can't look away from it.. anymore.. and see psych ward situation like that.. they provide major breakthrough and really fast but that's just it.. sometimes it's way too much way too fast.. and you know things about people without a single word spoken.. things you wish you never knew.. things that make you want to end your life all the more.. for me.. I got see and know for sure what a two face scum bag bitch everybody I ever knew was.. and is.. and they did it to me at such an incredible low they can never recover from it.. never tell me they loved me or love me. Can never say they cared about me.. we both know it's a lie.. they wasted 35 years of my life on a lie.. there is absolutely nothing they can say or do.. and it's always something little and easy and simple like that.. you need underwear.. and they pull a petty stunt the likes you didn't know ever could exist.. petty shallow stunt.. and wonder how they ever had the audacity to call themselves your family.. I'm just trying to spare you from my experience with a failed attempt that was similar.. because everything about failing it is miserable and awful for a very long time.. and things like that get other people into places and they say or do things you can't forget or forgive.. honestly I wished that cop would have just let me die.. I'd rather be dead than knowing that about my own family.. to the degree they took it all too.. I have no idea how they dare try to play like they're my family.. I won't even allow them to put me on their obituaries.. I took myself and my kids name off my moms when she died.. that's what I'm saying.. these failed attempts bring out the awful in everything. It's Pandora's box and you can't close it.. I wished I'd just blown my head off.. at least for me I learned I never needed them ever.. and I didn't and don't.. they are a hindrance and annoyance in my life.. don't care a single shred about them anymore.. I've barely spoken to any of them since. Seen them once.. about a year after.. and haven't seen them in 7 years.. you don't need somebody you haven't seen in 7 years.. and if mesh hospital undies aren't a metaphor for my sisters insane level narcissistic enmeshment.. I don't know what is.. she's always been a narcissistic control power freak.. and i cut her off that day.. she is really well barred out of my life.. I was trying to stay alive to watch her die of her inevitable heart attack.. so I could pee on her grave.. she's evil.. and worthless and trash.. and a huge liar and manipulator.. same for my parents and other sister. They're all the same evil snake pit of narcissists.. that's what and this is what happens when you fail that level attempt.. you thought your trauma was bad before.. if you fail this.. it will be awful.. you will see horrors of your mind you didn't know existed.. that's why I'm going simple and effective the next time.. just boom.. dead.. it's over.. they can all bitch at a wall.. which they might as well have anyways these past many years.. nothing they ever said to me got through.. it's not like they had any real advice or wisdom to impart.. mostly just a bunch of insane level insults.. doing petty things like mesh undies for a month being drugged out of my mind from failed attempts.. I never called them or used the phone ever again at another hospital after that.. it's been a few years since I've been but I never touch that phone.. haven't for years.. don't care.. and I know they don't care to know if I'm there or not.. they don't.. and failing that attempt was earth shattering.. it shook the core of the universe.. it changed my brain and how it maps and thinks completely.. you ever see an earthquake make a river flow backwards.. that's what it did to my brain.. anyways .. just giving you a heads up about awful it is if you attempt and it fails.. I guess that's why the site has those little warnings up about attempt styles.. like don't slit your wrists it's not effective.. because it's not.. by the way when you don't drink or eat for days. You begin to hallucinate.. I did.. and it's wild.. it's painful and you're literally out of your mind.. not for real.. you induced it.. but you're hallucinating nonetheless.. and trust me your body does everything it can to survive.. and it's painful like you can't imagine.. I have no idea how anorexics do it.. that is some willpower baby.. stupid willpower but they have it nonetheless.. then again that's what the doctor said about me when they found out I spent a week without food or water.. they were disturbed by the level of will power To go a full a week.. that's a real will to die at all costs.. I was almost dead.. and do it without being on any drugs.. I mean they get freaked out with me.. oh it's awful.. because you have experience to know what it feels like for your body to be dying.. and it's a feeling you can't describe.. and see dying itself is its own hallucination experience.. so you have the hallucinating from the not eating and the dying.. they're separate and mixed together.. it's wild man.. you are plum out your head.. you are legit crazy at that point.. and you see things in your brain you can't take back.. it's a dark wild place.. just make sure you're ready to see everybody's true colors if you fail.. then again most people don't have the level of awful family I do.. anyways.. best of luck! Hope it all works out for you! Either way.. or if you decide not to at all.. but most people's families and friends can't stomach hearing about how you tripped balls off your own brain from starving yourself to death on purpose.. doctors can barely stomach it..
And then tripped more balls for weeks on the drugs the put me on because they had to.. it definitely freaks people out..
I didn't tell you the full gory details of what I did.. but my attempt was total and utter brutality.. mine is quite gruesome.. I honestly haven't heard anybody else have a failed one as bad as mine yet.. once I settled back into life and work.. when I was alone.. I screamed from the trauma for a year.. really about two years.. it changed everything about me. I am nowhere near the same person. Mentally there are parts that are never coming back.. I accept that about me. Others have a hard time especially if they knew me before.. and people that haven't seen me in a decade and they see me now.. it's night and day.. I'm an entirely different person.. but just know once you're that psychotic from an attempt that hard core and gruesome.. it takes a horse tranquilizer to take you down.. and they will do it.. 10 mg of geodone is one nasty shot.. the second the doctor realized and saw my blood tests that im not on drugs.. they started freaking out alright.. with that shot.. I shouldn't remember that.. it still took a couple hours for me not to be able to walk.. that's how far gone I was.. I mean they had a hard hard time taking me down.. I am. A beast.. don't even get me started on the time I had to turn myself over to the cops after a two day city wide manhunt.. I mean I am a nasty beast.. they haaaate dealing with me.. I'm far from that amped up now.. I could be I just choose not to be.. good luck.. if you do it.. I wish you all the willpower in the world.. I had it they just caught me in the nick of time.. and at what point do you just let me die already.. because the cops and doctors don't come back around to make sure that level of trauma is resolved.. they don't care.. yeah maybe if you're super rich.. or important or
Both.. that's when they care.. average people they don't care about.. can't even get your own underwear from your family.. and I'm never going back.. they never get another shot to rectify what they did.. doctors.. cops.. family.. old friends.. just be ready if you fail mid attempt.. because that shit scares people..and makes them upset and angry and sad.. just saying it's better if you're dead so you don't have to pretend to care about their feelings to when you're being numbed beyond belief by psych meds to not feel yours.. and your family won't see that.. they won't see you being pumped and pumped and pumped full of crazy level medication to keep you alive.. of all kinds.. they won't see you being dragged and drugged to bed.. and carried.. they'll see you after a week of meds and you're showered and half way sane again.. so they'll think it was always that way.. they won't see you puking up your meds all night in the bathroom. Getting shot after shot of zofran.. They'll see you after doctors half way patched you back together kind of.. they won't see you waking up in the middle of the night freaked out because high doses of abilify Cause crazy dreams.. and nightmares.. they'll think it's all just some stunt and there you are barely
Weighing 100 pounds soaking wet and can barely stand up.. puking all
Night and the nights you don't puke you're waking up horrified with nightmares from psych drugs and trauma, and you will look in that mirror at a shell of your former self and think.. who the fuck even is this person.. and see.. if somebody can't accept that about me and 99.999 can't.. and that's fine.. there is no point in trying to have them in my personal private life for real.. if you can't accept that about me I really don't need you actually.. and that's the real point of it all..
And for a good chunk percentage of that.. it's none of their damn business to begin with..
It's all brutal.. it's all painful.. in every way..
For me I'm just looking for the least painful and quickest.. I know on some level it will hurt.. I know on some level it won't be instant.. unless I can find a gun..
But I refuse to survive it again..
That's just it.. I survived it and everybody left me hanging.. with it all.. by myself for years.. and then the abuse that came after..
And surviving it didn't make me feel different or better about life just worse and proved my point to begin with.. and they always do..
And now I'm left shredded for having survived it.. and it's too late for doctors to care now..
I don't give a shit what they say or their opinion.. they can shove it up their ass..
You'll see the medical system with new eyes as well.. and they are your enemy and they are awful as they're made out to be here in the forums..
They are evil..
You don't trust them and they don't trust you and is war and fuck you and fuck them.. I don't mean you.. but they think of you in those terms.. fuck you.. and it's the same for you.. fuck them..
And they don't care about healing you.. talk about the fakest most judgmental group of asshats I ever met..
And then they wonder why we run here.. and help each other make sure we get that job done..
Just whatever you do have a back up plan if it all goes awry.. because once you get to a certain point there is no turning back in terms of trauma.. and living with that trauma with no support system is brutal..
You'll never trust or accept anybody ever again.. and you can't..
I am not one of those survivors that was happy that my life was saved.. I was better off dead..
I mean I could spit on the cop that saved me.. saved being an operative word..
