1. Suicide is provoked by feelings of "ineffectiveness" and "disconnect". Your friend feels she is useless and that she does not belong.
Don't "convince" her, instead, simply show her. Show, don't tell. And there are many ways to directly show that she brings you peace, and that you truly need her.
Vent to her about unrelated pain you feel in your life. Tell her about
your own suicidal ideation. Ask her for advice. And after she gives you her advice, tell her how you feel about her. Describe to her the (positive) effect she has on your life.
Focusing on someone else's pain, and
feeling how your own words change that pain, that is an empowering experience. It can easily make her think "maybe I
can actually be a source of good to people".
The healing power of being needed
andreagibson.substack.com
The poet Andrea Gibson, struggling with colon cancer (which they later passed from: bless their soul), had their wife tell their friends and visitors to bring Andrea
their problems, for
Andrea to help with. A curious reversal of expected dynamic.
Andrea writes how this little turn, precipated by their wife's "little secret instruction", opened their eyes to a truth so easily forgotten. The need to be needed.
The day-to-day realities of illness, though, were something Meg and I largely handled alone. But when my symptoms started to worsen, we realized we needed more hands on deck.
So we sent out an SOS.
Every day after that, a friend showed up at our door in the form of a smile, ready to help however they could.
Before they came, friends texted Meg to ask what they could bring. "For the love of God, please bring Andrea your problems," Meg texted back. "Andrea thrives when they're helping other people."
I think your friend will thrive when she feels like she is helping you too <3.
I didn't know she'd said that. So I was quite confused when every friend who arrived at my bedside came carrying a heartbreak, a crisis, or a question they needed help answering. […] After about a week of this, I caught on. "Did you do this?" I asked Meg, side-eyeing her. She smiled like someone who had absolutely done this. "I just know you thrive when you're being of service," she said.
When I was in my mid-twenties, I wrote: The hardest thing about having nothing is having nothing to give. It was still true. […] Every time a friend left lighter than they came, I felt lighter too. Meg knew what I hadn't yet been able to say: that care went both ways. That being medicine for others is medicine to me.
By sharing your own pain with her, and taking advice from her, you will be able to make her feel like she is medicine to you. And that feeling is absolute medicine for
her ♥.
Of course, there were days I didn't have that in me. Days when I was simply too sick to have a conversation. In those moments I asked a friend who once lived with an illness even rougher than mine, "How do I feel like I have anything to give when I can barely get out of bed?" She said, "Give love, Andrea. Then give more love. There is nothing in this life more powerful to give than that."
Hearing her words, I felt my pulse shift. I was wrong in my twenties, when I believed in the idea of having nothing to give.
Love. We always have love to give.
Love, Andrea
Your friend always has love to give ♥. She is just worried that it doesn't matter to people, or that people don't care enough to give their love to
her.
2. Just tell her that you love her, and explain
what you love about her, and
why you love her too. Make it so personal and direct that it will be hard for her to dismiss as "oh he's just saying those things to push me away from suicide he doesn't actually care".
It IS possible to reach her ♥. She cares about you too, hooman ♥, she can be deeply touched and comforted by your own words ♥.
3. Tell her you think about her often and that this gives you peace, but that actually seeing her gives you far more peace than thinking about her ever can.
You can give her this poetic analogy: "Thinking of you is like seeing a photograph, but talking with you is like being with you face-to-face, seeing the way your words and responses move in real time, just feeling what it's like to see you alive right in front of me, it's so lovely, like being in a scene of nature, seeing the leaves wave and the birds fly—I mean remembering our memories is nice but it's not the same as being with you, hearing from you, knowing you're somewhere doing something, it really makes me feel connected to you."
Tell her that it gives you peace
having a
connection with her, from
feeling what it's like to be known by her. Tell her about the good memories with her that you think about. Tell her that if she ever died, that you would continue to treasure those memories, and would always want to meet her again; and that you want to meet her now, too; and that you always love to see her and hear from her and meet her too, be it online, in person, any way that you get the chance to.
4. Tell her how you see her pain in relation to your connection. (I love you so much that I am willing to endure pain to have you in my life.)
I want to note something you've written here before:
i dont mean to be insensitive or to disregard your feeling or desires
but ive been through similar feelings on the other side, from your partners perspective
all i know is that i would endure every single ounce of pain my partner ever has ever went through and will ever go through just to ensure theyd stay on this earth with me
he may or may not feel the same, i just wanted to share my thoughts
This could be a good thing to say to your dear friend. You could tell her "I would be willing to suffer all of the unbearable pain that you do, to take that pain off of your shoulders, just to be able to have you still on this Earth with me". Or something similar ♥.
5. Be personal.
Say things like "I wish I could hug you right now" or "I wish I could hang out with you like we did at [date/place of good memory]", or "I wish more people in this world had [personal trait of your friend, that you've directly felt]".
Footnote 1.
overall; just be genuine, just be direct; and she will be touched ♥.
Footnote 2.
Focus on
her. Tell her about
her traits, about how
she made you feel, about the
effect that
she makes in your own life.
And lastly. Be aware of how she may respond to words like "please don't die". Some people feel shunned by those words, while others feel embraced by them. For someone like me, if someone expresses that
very late into a long conversation about my suicidal ideation, then I am touched by it. But if someone were to say that
right off the bat, I would not be as touched by it.
If you choose to say something like "please don't die", I recommend you place it
later in the message sequence; because, when she reads those words, she will ask herself the question "Why shouldn't I die?". It is better to give her convincing answers to that question
without just stating it raw.
Footnote 3.1.
Write something to her
right now. This is
not something that is fun to worry about in your waking hours, nor sleeping hours. Do it for her. Do it for yourself.
Know THIS:
- She loves you.
- You love her.
- You care about what she says.
- She cares about what you say.
And know this too:
- Your words have real power to relieve her pain. Directly.
Footnote 3.2.
Anyways, I encourage you to just pause literally everything you're doing right now, write her a message, and
send it. Don't overthink it ♥.
Everything will be okay <3. But you still need to write and send that message to her.
Do
not cope with this anxiety by procrastinating writing that letter. The pain and anxiety of writing this IS actually bearable; you DO have the power and ability to touch her with your words ♥.
David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
If, by the virtue of charity or the circumstance of desperation, you ever chance to spend a little time around a Substance-recovery halfway facility like Enfield MA's state-funded Ennet House, you will acquire many exotic new facts. […]
That sometimes human beings have to just sit in one place and, like, hurt.
That it takes great personal courage to let yourself appear weak.
That no single, individual moment is in and of itself unendurable.
Footnote 4.
Suicidal people are more reachable than they seem ♥. Your friend is more receptive than she thinks she is right now, more receptive than
you think she is right now <3<3. Both of you will be amazed about how much your message touches her.
A lot of the times I felt suicidal as if no one could convince me, and lo and behold, touching words reached me deeply and personally. That doesn't require mastery. As I wrote earlier:
A little bit of love goes a long way ♥.
A few words from someone who cares, from someone you are personally close to, can reach deep into the soul, and touch, embrace deeply.
You
can do this. I believe in you. And I believe in your friend, too.
I know the idea of this being inescapable, of her being damned, seems like a real possibility; but you have to understand that a lot of that is stress and regret experienced by both of you. She is not damned.
It's not over 'till you're underground
It's not over 'till it's too late
This city's burnin'
It's not my burden
There is nothing left to analyze
Think about this letter I wrote you; even look over it again if you feel the need to ♥.
Recognize that the emotions and worry you feel for her sake are pure and good.
Take a few deep breaths.
You are in a good position to reach her right now.
Write the message.
Send it.
If you struggle to send it, even after writing it; you can always just send it to me, so I can calm any anxieties of how it may be received. I promise to be 100% honest about my thoughts if you do. But honestly, you know her better, you know her better than I ever can. You know her best. You know how she feels. You know how she thinks. She is your dear friend. You love her. She loves you. You know her. You know how to reach her. You know what she is most touched by.
Write the message. Push through hesitation.
Send it.
The first draft you write for her, will be written in
exactly the way that you
feel, that you
know will reach her best.
If you struggle to write it, then try this:
Open a voice recorder app. (If your phone doesn't have one, then you can download one.) Open a voice recorder app.
Imagine that she is right in front of you, and that you are talking to her. Then, just say what you wanna say, without fear. Imagine you also have a time machine that can go back to before you spoke your first word. Then, just say what you wanna say, without fear.
Then you can play back that recording, and know what to write to her.
You can also just avoid these exercises and write directly to her. That works too ♥.
You got this. Write to her. If you can't cuz you're busy with something right now, that's okay; just get it done, and
then write to her ♥.
You got this. I know you will touch her with your words. But she will be touched by your words once you send them. You are 100% capable of this; it is good to try <3.
and you miss every shot you don't take; it is better to send an imperfect message than an unsent perfect message
you can do this <3. You got this
. Like, actually. this is not encouragement. you actually know her very well. you do actually got this ♥
