Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[wannabeangel]

I HATE WAKING UP LATE I FUCKING HATE WAKING UP AT ALL. IM TIRED OF REMEMBERING AND IM TIRED OF BEING SO FUCKING TIRED ALL THE TIME. i dont know why i try to vent to my mom, it doesnt make me feel any better, i just feel like a burden and spoiled for complaining when people have it so much worse than me, it doesnt feel like i have the right to complain. im just so tired of thinking and breathing and being in this bed, i keep wishing i just suddenly die in my sleep. i want my heart and body to give up on me, it already showed my heart acting up at the hospital after the divorce, i hope it gets worse. kill me so i dont have to consciously do it, let my death be "natural" and i am remembered for being a girl who tried but her body didnt let her, not a girl whos mind was too ill to continue trying. it'll be put on my mental health history and not everything else that lead me to be how i am

how long do i have to pretend to be okay to others? how long do i have to wait until i get a break? do i just keep praying? i've been trying to get into my spirituality a bit more again, i have been so exhausted tho. maybe it'll come back to me. for now im gonna distract myself with daydreams and projects i can do

 

[wannabeangel]

i woke up earlier today but i wish i didnt, want my day short and just want to sleep all the time so i dont have to feel. my ex husband finally texted me again because i mentioned while ranting about my brother overdrinking that i had a drink of my own, barely made me tipsy, but he is straight edge and told me not to escape with substances which i wasnt even trying to do but MY INTENTIONS DONT MATTER! and he didnt like me venting about the dream i had where he shot me, cuz i wish he did because it would be easier to mentally cope with than all of this. and he tells me "I honestly don't know why I'm still even here" which just makes me wish i killed myself already ahahahaha.... it hurts when he then talks about how loney he is and hurting..... kinda just makes me wanna end it even more, seems like a proper punishment for breaking a good man's heart. apparently all the times i made sure my VR was charged for him and waiting at night he wasnt charging his at all and wasnt reaching out on purpose. assuming i didnt want to when the shit that waS stopping me lately was technical issues. but it doesnt matter. if im not there to be a virtual cuddle pet any night what else am i good for??

i wish i had money for SN already. i just dont wanna exist in this anymore. its only like $25-30 something and i have my exit. being broke and disabled isnt helping me get it done anytime sooner tho. i just want pain and stress to end already, i feel like my existence is the cause of it, im the only variable that never changed throughout all of this, its hard to not see myself as the cause. my life feels like an experiment proving my hypothesis of how i am bad luck.

im gonna try to let my adhd meds work and distract myself so the first half of my day isnt just sobbing, gonna play video games or something... keep wishing i die accidentally still, i want my heart to just give up, have other people recognize it was my body and physical brain that's the issue all along, and its not just my mental health. after having so many people say i just need to try harder, being medically neglected in psych wards assuming i was just a mental case and leaving me to dehydrate for over 24h because i couldnt keep anything down + my bladder was retaining everything and i couldnt piss for that long either and even tho my parents said i have gastroparesis and other physical disabilities and to call them if i am exactly like that THEY NEVER CALLED i had to use my phone time at the end of the day to update my parents themself and i had to go to a real hospital and get a catheter, NG tube and had to go thru a bunch of bullshit, another time i was having a severe tic attack and they wouldnt give me my proper medication and i was left in the "quiet room" that was really just a tiny office room with hard tile floors and cement walls which the tic attack made me hit my head so many times as well as bruise other body parts and it was like that for two hours (i know the time because they had a Wii and a tv in a plexiglass box so i could see the time on the homescreen) until they gave me a shot of what also had antipsychotics which my parents ALSO said not to give me because i have a bad history with them. PEOPLE ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS JUST MENTALLY ILL WHILE MY OWN BODY IS TORTURING ME. 19 inpatient visits. 19 psych ward stays with abusive staff and getting beat or scared by other patients, from ages 12-17. doesnt even include the outpatient programs! i just didnt count those. so much overdrugging, so much belittling my physical illnesses and neurodivergence as personality disorders and bullshit. i wish one of those wards would've killed me so they can burn in hell with me.

 

[wannabeangel]

should i be on this site coming down from shrooms and still pretty high from weed n shit? maybe not. am iiiiiiiiiii here? YES.

emotional state since my last update has just been either depressed or distracted by C or my ex husband sexing again recently but i keep being unable to do VR with him but think i turned him off being open about taling to C and others so ughhhhfgbfjdvdsknvds sWHAT IS MY EMOTIONAL STATE LATELY???? also update: mother sneakily started giving me lexapro at a baby dose said i was getting "suicide-y" and snappy i guess idk didnt think anyone notices until i snap but whatever.

lowkey still in the hours my ex husband can text me which is prob not helping the trip drop while C also i think fell asleep so ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh all alone and the one person who may text me cannot know about any of my drug use if he got so upset with me having one drink one day. ughhhhh

im gonna continue this more later im enjoying my music but still suicidal deep down which is odd when life is giving me choices i can follow for a lifestyle i both wanted since like 14 + does support my mental and physical and emotional needs. but i still wanna die. does it make sense? yes, but no, not really. yes because still stuck in this broken body and brain with trauma and guilt and pain of all sorts until my body decides it's time or fate happens and maybe i die in an accident, i feel like i could accept that. but with life showing me a path of comfort how am i gonna kill myself if i get there? another person i make attached to me before i either break their heart or they broke mine years before with abuse i tolerated for 5 years of my teenagge years i could hve spent being NOT e,otionally tourmented but whatever

ACTUALLY gonna continue this later when somewhat more sober perhaps

 

[wannabeangel]

never wrote while not tripping but im tripping AGAIN because fuck it

kinda making me feel peaceful with killing myself, like everything will be okay even if i do, things will be okay

i wish i could already, i mean i could just go right now, maybe.. gonna meditate on it more

 

[cookji]

"Excuse me, but my stomach is in really bad condition. If I were to try SN, could it be ineffective because it might not be absorbed properly?"

 

[wannabeangel]

"Excuse me, but my stomach is in really bad condition. If I were to try SN, could it be ineffective because it might not be absorbed properly?"

i think this will depend on what condition you have and it's severity + if you have tools to handle your stomach condition that could possibly help take the SN with less issues (such as a feeding tube, i have a GJ tube that was surgically placed about 4 years ago now) the antiemetic meto that's used for SN is also a treatment for my stomach issue (gastroparesis) is supposed to speed gastric emptying on top of helping nausea. i can't take meto as i had a reaction to it in the hospital when i tried, tho reacting to it i think is more rare, depends on your chemistry

overall i think you just have to take into account any GI issues if you plan on using SN, and people tbh i think overestimates the amount of SN you need truly, people have passed just from tasting it, you only need enough to turn above 70% of your hemoglobin to methemoglobin, when doing some calculations for fun i bumped it to 80% as that's pretty much clinically lethal without treatment.

my math could be wrong, even tho i tried to check it; but if i calculated about the total amount of hemoglobin in my body based off my blood test (about 427g for me personally, this will vary for everyone) to convert 80% of that i would only need a little bit under 1g of pure SN to actually absorb. the huge amounts of 15-25g listed in protocols im sure is taking into account like differences in weight, metabolism, the possibility of throwing it back up, and purity of SN you get in general. but with that math in mind, unless your stomach doesn't absorb anything at all, with the proper protocol it's more likely than not imo to work enough

 

[wannabeangel]

ran out of most of my meds to manage pain so i have been feeling so shitty, but i need to wake up early, that will be hell, but i have to so i can get my meds and stupid appointments i have to deal with for life. im exhausted from that. i still keep thinking about killing myself, during tripping i kinda felt an acceptance of it. like it will happen eventually, and that will be okay.

i feel guilty wanting to die so badly tho, especially when people care about me, i should be more grateful for being in a situation where i have support others dont have, so i feel pathetic and heavy guilt thinking about the pain it'll cause them... but god if i was completely alone i would have been long gone already, im surprised i didn't just end it sooner, but guilt gets in the way. that feeling of acceptance though being locked in my bathroom with the lights off tripping on idek how many grams, just looking at the patterns that will stay with my eyes both open or closed and feeling oddly grounded and peaceful after asking myself "if i did it right now, how do i really feel about it" and it was just a mix of acceptance but neutral almost, and felt like that kinda feeling after you sigh finally finished with a task and feeling that stress go away knowing it's over.

i still question myself, im serious about going through with it, but the time has to be right, and i need to do a few things first unless they become impossible or i cant take it any longer. i hope doing whatever method i choose (mainly focusing on SN or amitriptyline and whatever is mixed with that) i feel that same acceptance without panic. i wish others could feel that acceptance, not remember me for my end but what i did do in my life with them.. it's pretty much an impossible wish tho, i get that, but i can only dream

been just doomscrolling and in my imagination, texting C when he isn't working, texting my ex husband and doing only nsfw things when im not in the mood but it's hard to say no to him, and feeling like shit as its day 2 without my pain meds and muscle relaxers, and i need to be awake by 8:30am and its almost 1:20am. im getting kinda sleepy, might've daydream about taking the SN and tell myself to just fall asleep, there's nothing to worry about anymore as soon as i fall asleep. i know its a lie, i still wake up. but i can have a drop of relief in fantasy

i can get some relief going only into my mind