Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[wannabeangel]

I HATE WAKING UP LATE I FUCKING HATE WAKING UP AT ALL. IM TIRED OF REMEMBERING AND IM TIRED OF BEING SO FUCKING TIRED ALL THE TIME. i dont know why i try to vent to my mom, it doesnt make me feel any better, i just feel like a burden and spoiled for complaining when people have it so much worse than me, it doesnt feel like i have the right to complain. im just so tired of thinking and breathing and being in this bed, i keep wishing i just suddenly die in my sleep. i want my heart and body to give up on me, it already showed my heart acting up at the hospital after the divorce, i hope it gets worse. kill me so i dont have to consciously do it, let my death be "natural" and i am remembered for being a girl who tried but her body didnt let her, not a girl whos mind was too ill to continue trying. it'll be put on my mental health history and not everything else that lead me to be how i am

how long do i have to pretend to be okay to others? how long do i have to wait until i get a break? do i just keep praying? i've been trying to get into my spirituality a bit more again, i have been so exhausted tho. maybe it'll come back to me. for now im gonna distract myself with daydreams and projects i can do

 

[wannabeangel]

i woke up earlier today but i wish i didnt, want my day short and just want to sleep all the time so i dont have to feel. my ex husband finally texted me again because i mentioned while ranting about my brother overdrinking that i had a drink of my own, barely made me tipsy, but he is straight edge and told me not to escape with substances which i wasnt even trying to do but MY INTENTIONS DONT MATTER! and he didnt like me venting about the dream i had where he shot me, cuz i wish he did because it would be easier to mentally cope with than all of this. and he tells me "I honestly don't know why I'm still even here" which just makes me wish i killed myself already ahahahaha.... it hurts when he then talks about how loney he is and hurting..... kinda just makes me wanna end it even more, seems like a proper punishment for breaking a good man's heart. apparently all the times i made sure my VR was charged for him and waiting at night he wasnt charging his at all and wasnt reaching out on purpose. assuming i didnt want to when the shit that waS stopping me lately was technical issues. but it doesnt matter. if im not there to be a virtual cuddle pet any night what else am i good for??

i wish i had money for SN already. i just dont wanna exist in this anymore. its only like $25-30 something and i have my exit. being broke and disabled isnt helping me get it done anytime sooner tho. i just want pain and stress to end already, i feel like my existence is the cause of it, im the only variable that never changed throughout all of this, its hard to not see myself as the cause. my life feels like an experiment proving my hypothesis of how i am bad luck.

im gonna try to let my adhd meds work and distract myself so the first half of my day isnt just sobbing, gonna play video games or something... keep wishing i die accidentally still, i want my heart to just give up, have other people recognize it was my body and physical brain that's the issue all along, and its not just my mental health. after having so many people say i just need to try harder, being medically neglected in psych wards assuming i was just a mental case and leaving me to dehydrate for over 24h because i couldnt keep anything down + my bladder was retaining everything and i couldnt piss for that long either and even tho my parents said i have gastroparesis and other physical disabilities and to call them if i am exactly like that THEY NEVER CALLED i had to use my phone time at the end of the day to update my parents themself and i had to go to a real hospital and get a catheter, NG tube and had to go thru a bunch of bullshit, another time i was having a severe tic attack and they wouldnt give me my proper medication and i was left in the "quiet room" that was really just a tiny office room with hard tile floors and cement walls which the tic attack made me hit my head so many times as well as bruise other body parts and it was like that for two hours (i know the time because they had a Wii and a tv in a plexiglass box so i could see the time on the homescreen) until they gave me a shot of what also had antipsychotics which my parents ALSO said not to give me because i have a bad history with them. PEOPLE ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS JUST MENTALLY ILL WHILE MY OWN BODY IS TORTURING ME. 19 inpatient visits. 19 psych ward stays with abusive staff and getting beat or scared by other patients, from ages 12-17. doesnt even include the outpatient programs! i just didnt count those. so much overdrugging, so much belittling my physical illnesses and neurodivergence as personality disorders and bullshit. i wish one of those wards would've killed me so they can burn in hell with me.

 

[wannabeangel]

should i be on this site coming down from shrooms and still pretty high from weed n shit? maybe not. am iiiiiiiiiii here? YES.

emotional state since my last update has just been either depressed or distracted by C or my ex husband sexing again recently but i keep being unable to do VR with him but think i turned him off being open about taling to C and others so ughhhhfgbfjdvdsknvds sWHAT IS MY EMOTIONAL STATE LATELY???? also update: mother sneakily started giving me lexapro at a baby dose said i was getting "suicide-y" and snappy i guess idk didnt think anyone notices until i snap but whatever.

lowkey still in the hours my ex husband can text me which is prob not helping the trip drop while C also i think fell asleep so ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh all alone and the one person who may text me cannot know about any of my drug use if he got so upset with me having one drink one day. ughhhhh

im gonna continue this more later im enjoying my music but still suicidal deep down which is odd when life is giving me choices i can follow for a lifestyle i both wanted since like 14 + does support my mental and physical and emotional needs. but i still wanna die. does it make sense? yes, but no, not really. yes because still stuck in this broken body and brain with trauma and guilt and pain of all sorts until my body decides it's time or fate happens and maybe i die in an accident, i feel like i could accept that. but with life showing me a path of comfort how am i gonna kill myself if i get there? another person i make attached to me before i either break their heart or they broke mine years before with abuse i tolerated for 5 years of my teenagge years i could hve spent being NOT e,otionally tourmented but whatever

ACTUALLY gonna continue this later when somewhat more sober perhaps

 

[wannabeangel]

never wrote while not tripping but im tripping AGAIN because fuck it

kinda making me feel peaceful with killing myself, like everything will be okay even if i do, things will be okay

i wish i could already, i mean i could just go right now, maybe.. gonna meditate on it more

 

[cookji]

"Excuse me, but my stomach is in really bad condition. If I were to try SN, could it be ineffective because it might not be absorbed properly?"

 

[wannabeangel]

"Excuse me, but my stomach is in really bad condition. If I were to try SN, could it be ineffective because it might not be absorbed properly?"

i think this will depend on what condition you have and it's severity + if you have tools to handle your stomach condition that could possibly help take the SN with less issues (such as a feeding tube, i have a GJ tube that was surgically placed about 4 years ago now) the antiemetic meto that's used for SN is also a treatment for my stomach issue (gastroparesis) is supposed to speed gastric emptying on top of helping nausea. i can't take meto as i had a reaction to it in the hospital when i tried, tho reacting to it i think is more rare, depends on your chemistry

overall i think you just have to take into account any GI issues if you plan on using SN, and people tbh i think overestimates the amount of SN you need truly, people have passed just from tasting it, you only need enough to turn above 70% of your hemoglobin to methemoglobin, when doing some calculations for fun i bumped it to 80% as that's pretty much clinically lethal without treatment.

my math could be wrong, even tho i tried to check it; but if i calculated about the total amount of hemoglobin in my body based off my blood test (about 427g for me personally, this will vary for everyone) to convert 80% of that i would only need a little bit under 1g of pure SN to actually absorb. the huge amounts of 15-25g listed in protocols im sure is taking into account like differences in weight, metabolism, the possibility of throwing it back up, and purity of SN you get in general. but with that math in mind, unless your stomach doesn't absorb anything at all, with the proper protocol it's more likely than not imo to work enough

 

[wannabeangel]

ran out of most of my meds to manage pain so i have been feeling so shitty, but i need to wake up early, that will be hell, but i have to so i can get my meds and stupid appointments i have to deal with for life. im exhausted from that. i still keep thinking about killing myself, during tripping i kinda felt an acceptance of it. like it will happen eventually, and that will be okay.

i feel guilty wanting to die so badly tho, especially when people care about me, i should be more grateful for being in a situation where i have support others dont have, so i feel pathetic and heavy guilt thinking about the pain it'll cause them... but god if i was completely alone i would have been long gone already, im surprised i didn't just end it sooner, but guilt gets in the way. that feeling of acceptance though being locked in my bathroom with the lights off tripping on idek how many grams, just looking at the patterns that will stay with my eyes both open or closed and feeling oddly grounded and peaceful after asking myself "if i did it right now, how do i really feel about it" and it was just a mix of acceptance but neutral almost, and felt like that kinda feeling after you sigh finally finished with a task and feeling that stress go away knowing it's over.

i still question myself, im serious about going through with it, but the time has to be right, and i need to do a few things first unless they become impossible or i cant take it any longer. i hope doing whatever method i choose (mainly focusing on SN or amitriptyline and whatever is mixed with that) i feel that same acceptance without panic. i wish others could feel that acceptance, not remember me for my end but what i did do in my life with them.. it's pretty much an impossible wish tho, i get that, but i can only dream

been just doomscrolling and in my imagination, texting C when he isn't working, texting my ex husband and doing only nsfw things when im not in the mood but it's hard to say no to him, and feeling like shit as its day 2 without my pain meds and muscle relaxers, and i need to be awake by 8:30am and its almost 1:20am. im getting kinda sleepy, might've daydream about taking the SN and tell myself to just fall asleep, there's nothing to worry about anymore as soon as i fall asleep. i know its a lie, i still wake up. but i can have a drop of relief in fantasy

i can get some relief going only into my mind

 

[wannabeangel]

i got my meds worked out, feeling a bit better especially since i had pregabs again and can relax for a few hours. but i stil keep feeling the urge, and any pain i get thats weird i imagine it will kill me eventually, then nobody has to blame themselves for my journey outside of this physical form. i wish they could understand

i wanted to draw but i can only do that on my phone with my finger, so it sucks but at least i can vent about methods i have been thinking about (and yes i have a pink bed and half of my room is pink even tho i almost always dress alt/emo/punk hah) i wish i could just do it, if i had nobody who cares i would be gone already. if it isnt obvious, the methods i drew are SN, hanging, jumping, and by train. i know some of these methods are risky and can traumatize people around, but hearing the train every night makes me think about it more and more.



feels weird typing this as one of my little brothers (half brother but i never cared about that i just say lil brothers) is texting me, god he makes me feel old now gen alpha brainrot is confusing, but makes me happy because i did the same shit as a kid, yelling YEET and 21 and making those MLG meme videos in elementary and middle school, but he's saying stuff i do not understandddddd ugh i love my brothers, i dont want to hurt them either, i wish everything wasnt so hard... all i can do is daydream and make shit art about it. i think i just need to draw traditionally more, my skills can be better than this, i know i can be better, not practicing is killing me as well because i love art, i started drawing as soon as i could hold a crayon. i liked to draw things from reference, i would get extra points on my work for what i drew as a kid. i feel like i was so much smarter as a kid, now im just fucking stupid, i dont remember things well unless something just unlocks a fact i picked up as a kid, i use to read so much now my focus is shit, and i feel like shit. i wish i could just be a kid forever. i miss the big house, with my fishies that nibbled on my fingers in the pond in the front yard, and the yard was huge, not a full acre but like pretty big like a forest for the front and back yard. it used to be fun, i used to have fun. i wish i could have it back

i wonder if i will actually be able to go through with it finally, i want to buy SN already i have the money but i was given that to buy something else, so it feels wrong of me to. i only need like $25-30 to order it, i can get it eventually. i just want a kit and i can feel comfortable knowing i can go when i need to

feels shitty having a drawing i dont like and feels lazy (because it is) i might share more things i make to vent, hopefully better than that drawing. but its how i feel rn. cant speak but i think all these things. this is the only place i feel safe enough to share how i feel without the usual shit you get on other social platforms, i can speak here and not be scared, i like that. even tho i post mainly publicly here & have my account public, it's more or less a mix of not caring who sees, and having it still be easy access to anyone after i finally catch the bus. hell even if i die on accident, i would want them to find this somehow, so they know that i am not unwilling of death, if death took me before i make him take me i would want my family to know that it isnt all bad, im not in pain anymore and i didnt even have to do it myself. if they looked thru my laptop they would find the drafts of suicide notes, might make one for "in case of accidental death" note because you never know truly.


what i really want is peace and no pain, but i dont know how to get that in this body on this planet. all i have is distractions, and those dont last forever, nothing lasts forever besides the atoms making up our bodies that came from stardust, recycled countless times. your physical self has existed in so many ways through the parts making up your body, which is why i respect entering nonexistence as people usually see it, because all you're really doing is returning home, we've done it countless times already. it's the cycle, i respect the cycle. i just wish i could be dust in space again

 

[wannabeangel]

Beauty is a knife I've been holding by the blade
Swallowing my pride so I won't eat anything
It's all a lie, honestly, it's eating me alive
They're all like
"Did you change your hair?"
"Did you lose a little weight?"
"You should keep it up 'cause it really looks great"
I hate that I always look my best
When I'm dying on the inside


​

getting addicted to this song, it's always when i feel like shit i get compliments and i dont understand it cuz i feel like im dying, then my mom says my skin looks good when it does NOT i need to shower so bad,, im disgusting. i dont get how others see something about me that i dont.

i want to feel pretty but i dont, i wish i could be normal but i cant, there's too many things i cant do or see. i wish i didnt exist to feel this way

i woke up panicky today, i hate when i feel that but its almost constant since feb. been deeply just wanting to die since then too, i just dont wanna feel anymore, let me go home

 

[wannabeangel]

looking through my notes app for things i wrote, might just drop some here. i dont know what else to do, im just waiting for benadryl to make me sleepy.

there is too much that happened,
too much to write it all,
too much to make the pain poetic.

for all i hold is these memories,
this energy festering in my gut
clawing at my throat
desperate, longing for release.

craving just a break from this fog,
the fog that fills my lungs,
weighing me down, smothering me.
i cough and choke on my snot and despair.

yet i still remain here and now,
clinging to hope i'll purge it all out.
the desperate screams from my throat
letting it escape.

but with each breath i take,
it always finds a way back in

​

apparently wrote it in 2024, dont have memory of it tho. i have a lot of random writing mixed up with random notes i cant make sense of anymore

i still keep thinking about finally catching the bus, god i want to so badly, i dont want to be bound to this planet by other people.. maybe, if my spiritual beliefs end up being wrong, i wont be able to see the pain i caused anyways, i wont be able to feel guilt anymore, but i still feel so fucking guilty. why do people have to care about me.... the guy i am kinda just trying to ghost that i fucked around with for a while after meeting him in VR, the clingyness started scaring me and he's too normal for my autistic ass, he questions me in ways that make me anxious, but he keeps texting me how he misses and loves me and calls me strong and is hoping im okay. he knows about all my thoughts, i regret sharing them, i shouldnt share how i wanna die because people just overreact and i feel even worse.

i just dont know how im gonna exist with my physical and mental health issues, all the trauma everything caused me growing up. there was a reason i started seeing my psyc doc at 8 years old. most of my earliest memories are me panicking due to intense harm OCD since i was at LEAST 5, and everything just snowballed as i grew older. im not excited to turn 24 this year, i used to enjoy my birthday and october in general, my health making me miss so many halloweens as a young teen also turned into hating my birthday as it was almost always halloween themed as a kid. being groomed online since 12 also made me hate my birthday when i turned 18 finally and i felt like i "expired" which is disgusting but i cant help but think it. having it happen so often with multiple guys as a kid even if it was all online it still did a lot to me. when i was bullied it was the one way i could get "positive" attention outside of my family (as family attention doesnt feel like it counts because they have to care) and now im prob on the deep web somewhere. ik i was recorded because when i was on the cursed site omegle the next day after doing shit i hated i went back on and was met with a recording of myself from yesterday, and i closed the tab and shut my laptop. i was shaking after seeing myself, i should've known better. no, i DID know better but i fucking did it anyways, why would i do that. why would i do that. why. would. i. do. that.

my ex husband started texting me so i'll talk to him.... fuck i miss what we had before i broke everything so much, i miss his skin against mine, i miss the love. now we are just long distance fuck buddies, it fucks with everything i feel but i also just cant say no to him, i'll always love him. he says he comes back to me because he's lonely and others stop replying, and that i know him best to please him best. he wanted to go in VR tonight but we both need to charge our shit and i told him im tired and took my benadryl, which is true took 100mg, will take more if needed, i suck at sleeping. i mostly just dont wanna hurt my neck in VR tho. i wish things could be normal again, i miss sitting at his kitchen table playing MTG together, seeing his cute expression as he pursed his lips because i beat him when he's usually a lot better at playing than me. now i will most likely never feel his skin again, never feel his lips again, he wouldnt take me back now. not after i broke his trust, the papers are already done, i already moved, its too late.

oh, if i wasnt so dumb and selfish... the word selfish fucks me up, as a kid when expressing wanting to CTB, my parents ESPECIALLY my dad. being told wanting to stop the pain for good was a selfish act chained me more to this body and life, guilt and shame eats me alive yet my heart keeps beating. i wish i could just sleep and never wake up, and let them leave me for dead. guilt lessens when it's just by nature or an accident, they dont have to blame themselves that way, hopefully.

listening to my suicide themed spotify playlist and this song came up. when i die i would like it played at my funeral, it sounds relaxing, loving but melancholic

Thank you, I'll say goodbye soon
Though it's the end of the world
Don't blame yourself, now
And if it's true
I will surround you and give life to a world
That's our own​

 

[wannabeangel]

i had the weirdest dream, someone was shooting at me for some reason and one of the shots got me in the head? it felt like hitting my head hard on concrete feeling my brain rattle but x100 and i dropped + vision went out and i was just confused? i remember my vision turning off and feeling myself twitch a bit, some time passes tho and my vision slowly comes back a bit and i shakily reach my arm up (im laying in the dirt on my side) to feel my head and my hair was soaked with blood and was warm and squishy, and i was shaking hella but i think i was too in shock to hurt and i managed to get up to try and find help after what felt like forever. why the hell do i gotta dream that lol wtf???? i guess getting scared in a dream but then instantly getting dream brain damaged makes you too confused to process that fear anymore, when i felt my blood soaked hair it kinda clicked but i was still too outta it. brutal dream, but the guy shot at me 3 times and i only remember getting took down by the last shot to my head, booooooo your aim SUCKS! i was barely moving cuz i was scared until you scrambled my head u could of hit all 3 shots bruh. this is what i get for using benadryl to knock my ass out and looking at WPD a lil too much, the dream assassins start pulling their guns on me smh, you could've at least finished the job.

now i will daydream about wishing that's how i died because if im too confused to feel pain or if they actually can aim im good lights out even if im there for a few moments if its just a feeling of ????????? im good! dont think i could ever turn the trigger towards myself tho, i cant even shoot a real gun at a target, i only ever liked archery and if i ever hunted i would be a bow hunter of some sort, thats how uncomfortable guns made me for some reason. no issues with hunting just dont like the tool and i dont have a good reason why, i just dont like it. i'll learn how to use it ofc safety is important, but i wouldnt touch it unless someone was after my family, i cant willingly use it outside of holding an unloaded one to understand how it works. idk im weird, i wish that method could work for me, my family owns a shotgun for self protection (mainly so we can just yell I HAVE A GUN and make that chick-chick sound when u pull the thing back). the aftermath is terrible, but sometimes existing can overweigh that. but im a pussy so cant go that route, and it would be better on my family to not ruin my body too much

 

[wannabeangel]

If you take from me
Take your time
I don't bruise
I memorize

If you open me
Don't perform
I've survived
Much worse than warmth

I learned how to speak
Without revealing
Every want I carry
Still sounds like kneeling

I don't flinch
When the room leans in
I just count
What you haven't said yet

If you take from me
Be exact
I don't heal
I adapt

If you open me
Understand
This is sanctioned
This is planned
​

had this in my vent playlist trying to find songs to specifically spell out SaSu inside it reading down song titles lol, i like it though, some parts hit more than others. im currently trying to sleep but cant get myself to keep my eyes closed, my brain is too active. i just took more benadryl. while im at it might as well just share my whole playlist


[Sanctioned - Blood & Honey]









okay yeah that was a lot to copy-paste one by one only to have a limit of 10 links LOL i can share the others later, saved the rest to my notes. i wish i could feel normal enough to close my eyes and not need a constant distraction unless too tired to process. kinda also dont wanna take a bullet to my brain in my dreams again, even if it was more confusing than painful the moment before was still scary, didnt like that. if something is gonna attempt to kill me in a dream dont keep me alive either lemme die in the dream and have a little escape.

i feel bad i havent slept yet when i told C i would, he texted me but i dont want him knowing im up still, i can just pretend to be good. i feel bad feeling this way while also looking forward to seeing him, maybe even going to japan with him one day. feels like my bucketlist is just a little longer tho, not like i changed my mind

day god who knows what of wishing to die in my sleep so i dont have to burden others with my existence

 

[wannabeangel]

i still cant sleep, might as well share more songs from my playlist











i wish i could sleep instead of thinking about death constantly, its driving me insane. i wanna feel okay for once or just be dead. maybe i can nap even if its past 7am now, i just have to try, its hard to try tho

 

[dirkw83]

I broke my wings to... can't fly anymore & I want to die.

 

[wannabeangel]

I broke my wings to... can't fly anymore & I want to die.

i feel you, i wish yours didnt have to break too... i dunno how to fly anymore, my wings were torn off by my own hands. i can only think of one way to make them really grow back, just wanna jump so once i hit the ground they sprout back out. you're not alone in this

 

[wannabeangel]

i still cant sleep, might as well share more songs from my playlist

more songs in my CTB and overall vent playlist, if anyone wants to suggest songs i can add feel free to, i need more inspo. and also just a reminder that people can reply to anything i post, you're not interrupting my thread or anything if you worry about that! i miss one person i talked to the most on here that started from them commenting in this thread, they're talking a break from this site tho for now it seems from their post, and im so happy for them and i hope that eventually they dont feel the need to return, but i do miss the company and chats in here & private msgs. i think im just lonely, the people i do talk to outside of here i cant be open to like i can with people on here who get it..
anyways,,,, music!













im just gonna keep rambling a bit because that's what i made this thread for. imma also be more blunt, i really want a friend, a friend who understands. knowing that it's likely friends i might make on here may catch the bus eventually, but i'll cherish them as long as they're here to be my friend too, and i will catch up with them in the afterlife eventually if they go before me.
that's something i came to accept, people i care about die. there's no avoiding it, unless i die first i'll watch those around me pass. my uncle dying when i was little sparked my OCD around death, i was little and very shy, i saw him at the bottom of the stairs holding a tray covered with tin foil, either him or my mom tell me to give him a hug, i was too shy to. he left the door and never came back, soon after i learn he died. i felt like it was my fault, maybe if i hugged him something would've changed. my memory is blurry of when my mom explained more about how he passed, first things that come to mind are suicide and basically not taking care of his health issues leading to his death. cant remember if drugs were involved. i might ask my mom about that, just to get my memory straight. over my life people i cared about a lot end up dying, and i end up usually regretting being too shy to talk to them more before i had no chance to anymore. my grandma, my mom's patient with butterfly skin syndrome i befriended and saw Avatar TWOW with (he was a good kid, was in his teens), santa (family member that was a professional santa) he gave me the best cookie dough and i loved being able to say im related to santa as a kid, he was full of joy. there's others too.

and i know im gonna lose more i care about, but i dont want to regret anything. if i make a friend here, and they leave this world eventually, i dont wanna regret a moment of it. i wanna be there for them the best i can.



i think i just feel really alone

 

[wannabeangel]

last of the songs in my playlist to copy/paste, might as well. i gotta find more songs to add








i actually slept decent last night at least, took like all different kinds of my sleep meds besides ambien. i keep wishing i just never wake up tho, i cant wait for my last day where i will never have to open my eyes again. i still hate causing pain from my passing to my family, but idk if i can last here forever, it's a pain existing day to day. i have a little bit of hope talking to C so much, especially when it's so tempting when he's so nice to me and i dont have to change myself at all for him after getting so used to changing myself for love over the years. i mean i dont regret changing myself, i would do it for my ex husband all over again, but it is nice not needing to be burnt out hiding things that shouldnt need to be hidden... that kinda just makes me split and compartmentalize more, which has been unravling since the divorce so i have been just, its hard to explain, but nothing feels real and time blurs together, i'll blink and suddenly it's night and i dont remember most of my day. i hate that but i cant stop it, i just have to exist in this way that i never asked for.

i think about the story my mom told be about before i was born, she was pregnant with me and was in the hospital for something, she was gonna get IV fluids and meds but someone mixed up the bags and gave her a IV bag made for someone else who was having a miscarriage or abortion, if my parents didnt double check the bag i would have never needed to exist in this body. i wish they weren't medically trained so they wouldnt have thought to check. nonexistence is better than existing in pain just for little good moments that are bound to end and never last long enough. my body and mind bring all good things to an end. if people tell me that im good, then i know i will cause my own ending too.

people tell me to stay strong, and tell me that i am strong for what i lived through. im not strong, im broken. my only "strength" keeping me here is feeling too guilty to hurt people i care about, that's it. my family says if i didnt have them i would be able to pull myself up, but i would've killed myself SO MUCH fucking sooner if i had nobody tying me to this world. i would have no excuse not to, i wish that could be understood.

C woke up finally, so that makes me comfy being able to just enter a more cozy headspace with him, and once i can he'll pay so me to fly across the country to him, i would like that even if i still CTB eventually, have a bit of the other lifestyle i daydreamed about since my teens, i might as well right? i dont have anything else left to lose besides my own life. anything i have in my life (mainly my family) i will lose eventually, i know it, it's not something i can stop. i just have to accept that, and i also accept i will be gone as soon as i lose them all, if i dont just CTB sooner

 

[wannabeangel]

i mentioned C in passing in my journal my ex husband can still read, and mentioning him being 36 made my ex worry. he said he had feelings but that it didnt matter because we're not together anymore anyways and he doesnt have a say, i wanted to hear what he thought tho. he said he was scared because of the age gap i'll be groomed, i understand his worry as 23yo girl with a 36yo guy, but he's not weird or creepy he's genuine and nice and MY kinda weird, the good kind. i worry others will see it in a similar light, but im still an adult i never understood the issue if two people are adults and there's no power imbalance. he's good, i do overthink tho but its literally only because of how other people judge. i need to stop caring, but i get scared of getting comments especially if i play vrchat with C and someone says something, i'll prob tell them to stfu tho tbf hah

i feel anxious for no reason, i dont like it at all. the guy i met in vrchat im anxious he will text me as im active on discord, but i havent texted him back in days, it makes me so anxious to when he's too normal and i also told him too much about my mental health and desire to CTB, its too scary too scary too scary. i hope C can play vrchat with me soon so i can hear his voice and have him hold me and take care of me and we play games together, that would make me feel less anxious right now. otherwise what makes me less anxious is figuring out ways to kill myself, and i can only loop thru that info so many times

why cant i just be normal in ANY way, or why couldnt have i been aborted? i dont really wanna be here, but i try to find comfort somehow

 

[wannabeangel]

i got so nauseous today and napped from 5 something PM to 9pm, and i woke up confused and panicked and crying. i didnt have a bad dream or anything, its just instant panic when my eyes open and im aware. cried for a bit, finally stopped but i will cry more soon im sure. C hasnt texted me back when i woke up, actually he just did finally, i get slight relief. its only slight because the pain is overpowering. i wish i had money to buy SN already, i keep getting ads of it and it's driving me nuts. i just wish i didnt exist, i wouldnt have to feel like this if i didnt exist, i dont wanna feel anything anymore. i wish i could just hang myself, the head pressure is a LOT though from my tests, but it's in my back pocket. im bored so i might look around my room for things i could hang myself with, so i have something at least

 

[wannabeangel]

i felt semi alright today but i still keep wanting to just kill myself. i hung out with my mom for most of the day, i napped in her room because i was tired as i was up late i think, my memory is kinda foggy. she helped me clean my room which is nice, it feels better. im gonna do my best to keep it clean, then it's easier to make sure my room is nice when i CTB, i dont wanna leave any more of a mess.

something "funny" happened talking to my mom, when i was in the hospital for my neck issues my dad was there and he was emotionally overwhelmed, he was clearly upset stressed about doctors and also the bullshit with my ex stepmom who is a evil bitch. but i heard him say he wants to kill himself, i was like "did i hear what i just heard?" and my mom talked to him privately. talking to her about that, to make sure i heard things right, had her say "people who are truly suicidal dont say they're suicidal, they dont tell anybody their thoughts or plans" and talked about her cousin(?) who always smiled and seemed happy but took his own life.

her talking about that to me, while i feel this way, and she has no clue how bad it really is and how far it's gone, how far my planning has come, the goodbye note drafts. i dont think she has any clue, she probably just thinks im just sad. while she was helping me clean tho she found my stash of clonazepam i had for my future suicide kit and saw i had a piece of paper in it listing how many mg i have, and asked "is this so you know enough to not kill yourself/kill yourself?" (cant remember which one it was, i think it was not kys tho) and i told her no, i just am OCD and specific about my things. she put it back where i had it phew. i felt my gut drop after just having the suicide convo. she keeps asking what i order online too, im scared she will be home when i finally buy the jar of SN and be confused to why i have that product as i dont do what it's meant for. hopefully i can plan it for when she's at work, shouldn't be too hard. i really need my full kit, it's all i want right now, i wish i had $30 i could spend on it..

it feels so weird talking to my mom about suicide, while im secretly on here almost daily, and she doesnt actually think anything is wrong. it feels surreal, like im a ghost already. it fucks with my head honestly.

i had to hide this tab because she came in my room, apparently my and all of our insurance was cancelled/almost cancelled and they declined the injections i need in my neck for pain, so thats fucking annoying, my mom tries so hard for me and has to deal with so much stress for me, i dont want her to have to deal with anything else stupid for me anymore, i wish nobody had to deal with me. i wish i didnt exist, then issues like this wouldnt happen, and i wouldnt have to be in pain.

i cant wait until i finally get the supplies and courage to end it all, my last breath will be a sigh of relief

 

[wannabeangel]

my ex husband reached out again after a while finally, he was begging i could get on VR so i did, he's been so emotional and struggling with so much and also wanting to CTB and that kills me inside, he thinks HE'S the burden when i was the only one who ever burdened him, and it kills me people arent treating him right. at least his one friend apparently gave him similar advice i did, which gives me hope he has good people still around him. i told him to not be like me drafting suicide notes dont get sad from other people just get angry tell them to fuck off and run on spite if that's what it takes. him hearing i drafted notes tho made him panic... he said he couldnt live with himself if he killed me, i told him i probably will most likely never kms (probably sounded like a fib, but tried to recover my slip up ig) but if i did it wouldnt be his fault, noting was ever his fault, and if i did it the only one at fault is myself and the blame is my body, i hate living in this body. it hurt a lot though having such solid confirmation that he would blame himself, and he's already expressing how his mind is scaring him so we would highly likely follow in my footsteps and fuck that hurts. i want him to be happy, move on from me and find so much good. seems like at most i have is an implied suicide pact.... honestly, if he went first i am 100% following in his footsteps as i actually am the one at fault for that, if i wasnt an idiot he wouldnt even be thinking these things. if he tells me he isnt gonna change his mind but tells me before hand im gonna ask if we can just do it together, and i hope he either changes his mind or says yes, and if he said know i'll have to be upfront and say i'll be going with him anyways and have already had my note to him for months, so i would like him to read it at least first... i dont know, my emotions are fucked right now. i got him to calm down and relax and fall asleep, but i dont know how i will sleep. i caused this. why does he hate and blame himself when its ALL ONLY MY FUCKING FAULT. GENUINELY. god i hate myself, i hurt someone so good. he should be wishing i was dead not himself. i dont understand why he doesnt hate me i really dont, he has every reason to hate me

 

[wannabeangel]

i was up for 48 hours then only slept maybe 4 in the middle of the day. not sleeping makes me feel drunk in the not fun way and emotional. talked to my ex husband again last night and comforted him, he keeps expressing being "borderline" suicidal and i just feel so bad, and so guilty im here trying to make him think of good things and not go that route. i feel like we are at two different levels of suicidal though. he seems its more of only a crisis thing, and that he doesnt really want to do it but thinks it will just be easier to get it over with to not feel how he does anymore. im 100% certain i will kill myself, be it sooner or later down the line, but i know its gonna happen, guilt about hurting people i care about and accepting to stick around until i cant take it anymore or there isnt anyone there i need to worry about living for anymore. but i know its my fate, especially now. hell even when i was still married, accepting that i will live if i get to be loved by him and have him by my side as im in pain, if he died before me i was 100% gonna kill myself soon after, especially with his heart condition i worried and that was my plan if we went suddenly from that.

i wish i wasnt a mess. the guy i have been ghosting keeps still texting me concerned, it pains me knowing he cares and still keeps trying but im just too scared, and even tho he is sweet and cares something else also just doesnt make me click with him and i just i dont know it just makes me anxious, he's too normal and not my kind of normal on top of the fact he knows too much

im so tired but idk if sleep will be hard again or not, C said he might play vrchat with me so that will be fun if he does, i dunno if he rlly will tonight or not tho, but i hope he does and both my ex doesnt ask to get on or the guy im ghosting doesnt keep asking me to join him, i get too scared. my mom says every time i end up staying up all night its because i talk to my ex that night, she's probably right. im hoping not killing myself before i get to visit C will maybe give me a reason to stick if it goes more serious, though i would still CTB as soon as he passes. thats just my fate i think, either have love that keeps me going or dying by my own hands

if things ever do get serious with him and we do what we all say and plan to i could live happy, he would take care of me, part of it sounds too good to be true but he's been a very genuine person, looked him up he hasnt lied to me about who he is or anything. but if he turns out to be a psycho killer YAY ME because i still get something i wanted that way too so i dont care, plus my masochistic ass thinks thats a great way to go out

 

[wannabeangel]

i feel guilty saying no to my ex husband wanting to vr cuz i have been waiting for my friend to finally be able to and he just deleted our chats when i wouldnt make an excuse to play it with him instead of my friend and i feel like shit, i dont want to make him feel bad but i also wanted to try and do something that felt happier and didnt just leave me sitting in regret and missing him when i can only be good for sex and emotional comfort it feels like so i dont know anymore i just hate myself.

im in pain rn and nauseous from my muscle relaxer n shit i think so i almost threw up mid writing this, thankfully didnt dont wanna waste my meds. when i get really nauseous i cope by pretending in my mind i took SN so i should just accept it and relax, kinda helps oddly enough. i kinda take it as practice to keep what i have in my stomach down, im sure with an actual poison it's much harder, but chronic nausea i guess is training me for that route

i wish i could have suicide not on my mind for once, but i dont think i'll be able to get myself out of it fully again this time. maybe im wrong, who knows, but i dont see it changing anytime soon. i dont think it ever really changes for me, my distractions just get better sometimes and my guilt keeps me attached to this body. i dont exist for myself, i exist for others. i try to do stuff for myself and just feel bad over it, so i dont really know what to do at that point

i feel really shitty tonight, there's ice cream at least i can nibble on that without feeling too sick. i wish ice cream could make me not suicidal anymore but oh well, organic strawberry flavor is still pretty good tho

 

[wannabeangel]

when people leave nice comments on my account it feels nice, knowing at least someone cares without even really needing to know me. i appreciate it a lot. tried to add a screenshot but it's not uploading for some reason and i dont wanna trigger my frustration more. i feel on edge tonight. even tho people say i sound like a wonderful person and beautiful soul, i feel like im just somehow lying to people to make them see me that way, i cant see myself in that way at all

i feel weird tonight. my ex husband wanted me to VR with him and it was early so it was easy to do, i just made him feel good and comforted and pleasure so he can sleep with less stress. i love him a lot, i always will, part of me still feels like im doing something wrong tho, and once he is gone again after he falls asleep his snores remind me i will never hear those sounds in bed next to me for real again, i wont feel his warmth and i wont hear his heart beat, he's too far away to just get there out of desperation. it's over now, but he comes back when he struggles and when he's horny because i know him best. i love taking care of him, but the pain of not REALLY having him is fucking killing me. but i dont know how to say no to him when i love him. i hate myself though...

C at least is treating me good... he's very sweet.. but i feel guilty being comforted by someone else, but my ex husband would also not be into half the shit C is that i am also into and comforts me so just uggbdfkgndfkdgns FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK it makes me feel selfish when i wanna take care of my ex but i also want to just escape a little bit and C lets me do that and its either escape inside a dynamic with someone who clicks or escape by taking my life. those are my only options rn, if this fantasy dynamic lifestyle with C doesnt work out i'll just kill myself because im tired of trying over and over, i dont wanna do that anymore. i cant do that anymore. maybe people hoping shit goes good in my life is enough hope to make change as i can barely find my own, because otherwise the wannabe in my username is gonna change to finally

 

[wannabeangel]

i have been up all day and night pretty damn high and im hitting my cart more to make it last, took the rest of my lyrica now gotta wait for my refill, thats fine. im in a weird state rn, with C and my family i act normal and happy with C especially, but under it all i still just want to kill myself, at night the thoughts get more impulsive, i could just hang myself in my closet or in the basement. to distract myself i keep researching the bus routes near me to go places and the train to go into the city. i love NYC even if i dont live in it, parents grew up more in the city for a bit and i always visited because its just a short train ride away, hell even my school had field trips to central park zoo which was so fun for me, i really like animals. animals always made more sense to me than humans, and i connected with them better, i end up befriending and helping some animals to heal as i dont want them hurting. i got a malnourished underweight horse to start eating again, i baked her homemade treats with all horse friendly ingredients and flavors (mainly oats, apples, molasses, and peppermint flavor because horses LOVE that), i pet her and just felt her energy and asked her to eat and gave her a treat, she started to eat it and i pet her more and collected some fur to use in a witchcraft ritual to help her recover and she did, i did odd but loving things as a kid. but my point is animals bring me comfort and i like to comfort them.

more about the city, i wish i had a electric wheelchair to hop on the train and go to manhattan, that's where im most used to when just exploring and going to places. i want to be able to do it by myself, i have my manual chair but my arms will start to hurt so fucking bad i'll have to take so many breaks. im so tired of being in my room, im 23 and have to rely on my parents for everything, and im stuck in my room all the time unless i gotta see a doctor or the rare chance my mom takes me somewhere. i really just wanna get out on my own for once, i might just push myself and see how far i can go in my manual chair and push my limits. i like being outside to just people watch, it reminds me people are alive living their own unique lives, and the ones doing street art or playing music or just being unique i love to run into. i also would really like just going to the really big pretty library or moma because i love art, or central park as i love it there too. its hard to explain why exactly im so drawn to the city, as overstimulating as it is i really enjoy it. i kinda want to scope out places in the city i could CTB, if i decided to jump i would make sure i hit terminal velocity or at least close enough, and i'll make sure it's not somewhere with people going about and make sure i dont fall onto anything but the hard ground. trying to get on a roof sounds hard tho, i could prob do it if desperate enough though. maybe i can find a chill spot somewhere for SN, idk. i would like to die somewhere that feels relaxing or nice, and if im not home my parents dont need to be the ones to find me. if i cant have that either death by jumping or train, i may traumatize someone in the process especially with the train method but i will do that to someone either way i cant avoid that, its just something i have to accept sadly

im so stuck in the in between state of wanting to die but wanting to do some stuff alive, like i want to visit C, get my new ipad for art and AAC really soon, go to places by myself for once, do some crafts ive been wanting to, do more drugs, and shit that just involves existing. i dont understand having these desires when i also just want to die. maybe its a bucket list sorta thing. thinking about it though on top of feeling guilty about being alive since people have to waste time and money to take care of me, i also started feeling guilty about the fact when i kill myself it means they wasted so much effort on me just for me to take my own life, which oddly makes me wanna die even more while i feel so guilty about wanting to die. why am i like this? why cant i just end my pain in peace? i really just want peace, and death seems like the best option for that. it hurts that it will hurt my family though, and it's even harder when i also have a new baby half brother born (my half brothers i see as full brothers, different moms means nothing to me when we have the same dad) and if i delay CTB that'll bring pain to a new person who doesnt deserve it, if i go now tho the two who know me will be heartbroken like the rest of my family.

it REALLY sucks wanting/needing to CTB while having family who cares (even if a few are a bit rough around the edges) because of all the guilt. it's not like i have something terminal and seen as painful enough to be allowed a respectful peaceful suicide, it sucks. i wish i had peace. at the very least i wish i could sleep normally, but the best way to sleep is to close my eyes and never open them again

i keep watching suicide videos, think im just gonna do that now idk. wish i had the ipad already so i can draw, i would like that

 

[wannabeangel]

running too low on weed is killing me omg i get more tommorrow but im nauseous and just wanna be high. ii talked to my VR friend a little more again last night but it just made me feel worse tbh i was open about writing notes and making plans ik will work as my backup, and because i mentioned also comforting my ex husband about his own suicidal thoughts my friend just focused on that fact and BARELY replied to the rest like i just told you i know exactly how to die, almost did it too and only stoppedd cuz i didnt finish my note, and all he has to say is "yeah that rough/hard" then says he's upset i talked to my ex but not to him for weeks. like i did say i didnt want him to worry and i dont like people worrying, but you could of at least acknowlaged me more and not just get jealous over my ex, do i gotta send him a pic of the noose i tied to get anything other then "yeah *states the obvious*" NO SHIT IT HARD THATS WHY IM TRYING TO VENT BUT NOTHING FUCKING HELPS why do i even talk to people. WHY do i do this to myself. i should have never responded. he assumes were actually dating too when i dont think we ever made that official, and always tries to say stuff to lead me to complimenting him or saying i love him but ii dont want to hear that when im TALKING ABOUT HOW FUCKING BADLY I WANT TO KILL. MYSELLF and him drinking during the convo isnt even an excuse, i still care when i drink. and he says i shouldnt be caring about my ex as much as i do when l wont just give up on caring for someone i married. i jjust.... this is literally the only place i can be open without fear or shame. that fucking sucks. i wish i killed myself in my teens like i wanted so this shit wouldnt be happening

i wish i had money for SN already, i have my new ipad at least if i do an art commission for like $35 that will be plenty for a jar, i have my other prescribed meds i can use for the protocol. if i can never get SN and i get desperate then i'll probably hang myself, gotta make sure a pillowcase is over my head so my parents dont have to see my face, and i'll wear one of my diapers because i dont want to make more of a mess in my death so my room wont need to be deep cleaned or anything, ik my mom wouldnt wanna clean my room after that, i can at least keep my room clean if i cant do the same for my mind

my ex husband wanted VR again tn, he wanted esex but i told him im too depressed today for that, told him a bit how i felt venting to my friend last night. he said thats okay tho, he might get on with me just to sleep, my neck hurts tho so i kinda dont even wanna fuck with VR at all, i dunno if C wants to play vrchat toniight either tho, but prob not.. C gives me types of comfort i didnt have for years tho, that soothes me a bit. i vented to him a lil too about my feelings, he said the usual it'll get better stuff but his support still feels comforting, the kinda dynamic we have is soothing cuz he likes to be my caregiver and i need something like that honestly, i never felt like i grew up and him letting me be how i am feels really nice.. makes me feel guilty i still wanna die so badly tho, and im scared things will just never work out and i'll just have to die sooner instead of being delayed to live a lifestyle i wanted.. i dont know really anymore, im expecting worse things to happen and if so i dont mind because i need something to push me past the guilt i feel and just let me die

for now im gonna distract myself with my new ipad, writing this with it rn with my bluetooth keyboard, feels more comfy to have the keyboard on my lap and the ipad next to me propped up. i need a case and the screen protector on it for drawing, and the case especially since i use my tablet for AAC when i cant talk out loud too, this new tablet doesnt lag like my old shattered one so im happy about that. i wanted to vent and ramble before i look for coloring sheets to do or just doodle, its all i can do in this bedroom i exist in until a doctor needs to see me

 

[wannabeangel]

oh man life is so confusing emotionally, especially when so fucking attached to my ex husband even tho logically i know it wont work out again the same, and as we talked a bit more he's right when he admitted we're both young, we rushed into things without knowing how big it will all really be, but it made us happy and was what we needed and wanted, so i dont regret it and i dont think he completely does either even tho we both admitted we sometimes wish we never started talking again, just so we didnt have to feel this pain, but its too late for all that now

it really sucks tonight too when he's been struggling today, but because i didnt sleep last night i passed out from like 6pm-10:40pm and woke up in a panic because when i fall asleep when i didnt want to i think it's a trigger now as well as waking up anywhere close to 12am. it just reminds me of my huge fuck up that i feel like i should've ODed and died mixing my pain meds + benzos + alcohol (wasnt trying to CTB, i was trying to pre medicate so hopefully i could get some rest that night, but i overdid it with liquor in my J port of my feeding tube even tho i watered it down, on top of all the kpins i had i overshot how much i really needed and how hard it would hit me, i never blacked out completely when doing things before only nodded out but was in and outta consciousness while at a family party a while ago, blacking out on the toilet and only being woke up once someone came in and shook me awake was terrifying.)

im glad i didnt die in his house, i couldnt put that pain on him like that so unexpected, and i wouldnt even have been able to leave a note. writing a note is VERY important to me, i honestly want to work on an autobiography, not as my main note of course the main one is going to be shorter, ones to specific people will vary but will most likely be longer than the main note, then my autobiography that i want to be me explaining my life from my eyes, the good and bad in my life, and what ultimately leads me to CTB when i am ready. i dont want to leave too much room for guesswork when i finally go, and i want people to know how much thought and planning i put into it so it doesnt seem accidental or too impulsive, i know i cant make people understand completely but if i put in the time to still share my love while i can, and make an explanation thats better than what i already have in my drafts...


as i was writing this i have been on and off texting my ex husband, i cant help but worry about him too much and feel like im failing him again... we started msging on snap again since it was just easier, and agreed to keep messing around because i did miss him in those ways so much too but i mainly want him happy and satisfied and not lonely, but now a few min ago he texts me he doesnt want the sex anymore, he both feels too guilty afterwards and because im unreliable, because i keep being unable to VR and stuff either mainly due to my body being horrible to me lately and neck pain killing me, then sometimes cuz i made plans with someone else i was talking to (and that part makes me feel guilty in so many ways) and i understand why he cant handle it now, im scared he will get too distant again especially since i know he's struggling a lot liike me lately.... that scares me, especially as it'll literally be my fault, and if he goes i wont be far behind him, that i just cannot live with.
if me not killing myself for now helps him carry on and find home in his heart again, then i can sacrifice peace for awhile for him to find his own, after enough time when i do CTB it'll be long enough to know it's not his fault, and we will both have peace in our own ways finallly.

i wish i could just die already, god i really do, but i dont care enough about myself compared to how i care about others so i have a very strong habit of putting their needs before my own. i know, that's technically not healthy, it harms me in many many ways and has gotten me abused and pushed to limits i didnt know i had in the past, but i think if i actually got my brain to CLICK and put myself before others i would just CTB SOOOOOOO much sooner so maybe it's a good thing in a sense? my survival instinct literally just is fueled by guilt and not wanting to hurt my family, without that i would have been gone years ago and im so serious when i mean that. if my empathy left me one day i would not hesitate.

my ex husband stopped replying to me and didnt open my last message so far, god i just feel like im bound to fuck everything up, and if i dont my body will do it for me. speaking of my body my neck has been killing me but not in the way i want, the way i gotta suffer alive thru it while it kills me inside. being in constant pain is EXHAUSTING and the opioid i have rn is something i gotta stick to my cheek and it makes me nauseous now that side of my cheek has a sore, i just need pills again might as well get back on tramadol. wish i could get a better opioid but eh. honestly debating trying 7OH or something similar (i just call it gas station percs as a joke LOL but its basically the concentrated chemicals found in kratom so it's stronger) but i was on regular kratom in the past and it was very helpful and pleasent but i needed higher doses and that's a lot of shit tasting green powder horse pills i gotta swallow, something concentrated would just be better. wish i had money for it right now, i might ask my mom about it she got me kratom before. gonna research and see what i can buy, glad i moved back to my home state at least it's still legal here.

i keep trying to ignore my pain, and just kinda escape a little into my weird coping skills with C. hell maybe things even work out, i have a feeling i'll continue being suicidal tho, trying to feel better when i know deep down my mind wont change feels like im just gonna add more people to the list of those i will hurt when im gone, fuck i just counted to myself and there's at least 8-10 people already not even including those im not close to but apparently care due to my mom, so im just gonna hurt people anyways so just.. FUCK. there's no winning, it's pain no matter what choice i choose, guess we just have to see how much of my personal pain i can handle for how much longer

 

[wannabeangel]

my ex husband is scared i'll hate him, and that he just cant keep relying on me and how he keeps feeling guilty still contacting me and how it isnt good for me either and deleted me on snap and the other app we msged on.... i just feel more depressed each time he fully cuts contact again. i worry for him because i know he's struggling, but he said he cant get better if he keeps coming back and he wont be able to handle being alone.. i just feel horrible how i put him in this situation, and now i feel like i continue to fail him. i cant say he isnt wrong tho i am probably not helping him at all sticking around even if it kills us both inside. our last messages were telling each other "i love you" and he told me to be safe, i couldnt bring myself to keep lying by saying i will so i said im trying to, and asked him to be safe too and i care about him always and want the best for him.

it just hurts, its been 5 months now and it still hurts. his birthday is so soon too and it pains me i couldnt bake him the cookies i had planned to, all i can do is write in the google doc he can see, and im gonna be doing that more now that he went no contact again. i just pray he can heal no matter what happens to me, he deserves good things and he can do so much i know it..

lately all i can do is think about dying or just live in escapism, i guess escapism isnt the worst especially when it gives me some structure, and finding someone suprisingly supportive of all of me even with my weird interests and spiritual beliefs and autism that i have been losing the ability to mask and likes my kinks and lifestyle prefs and just aaaaaaaa WHY DOES HIM BEING GOOD FUCK WITH ME EVEN MORE i should just be dying sooner than later, but i indulge and i feel mixed emotions. it feels wrong to be happy, it doesnt feel like i deserve it. i try to accept it, and C prob doesnt know at all i feel this way, i dont know if i should tell him. i really do like him, he does make me happy, but it doesnt feel like i deserve it at all. i hurt my ex who i love already, and if C knew i still was on and off talking to him he would probably be really upset, i dont wanna hurt him too and im tired of hurting people...... i dont think i can do anything right ever even if i tried, i dont wanna ruin anything else good so i think thats why i dont believe i deserve good...

i dont think guilt will ever leave me

 

[CoffeeAndNihilism]

he does make me happy, but it doesnt feel like i deserve it at all.

After reading your story, you of all people deserve happiness. I cannot imagine the pain you have gone through both mental and physical. You still being here shows strength and I wish you only the best (whatever that looks like to you.)

listening to my suicide themed spotify playlist and this song came up. when i die i would like it played at my funeral, it sounds relaxing, loving but melancholic

This song has always had a special place in my heart.
I tried to ctb a few years ago, obviously I didn't succeed, but afterwards I was a wreck. This song was the only comfort I had.

, if anyone wants to suggest songs i can add feel free to

I would suggest Mitski - Washing Machine Heart and Tame Impala - Why Won't They Talk To Me?