Venting angel's vent thread - broke my own wings

[squiddedoutt]

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[wannabeangel]

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you're too kind <3 i just feel like it would be wrong of me to get angry with him over my own mistake, because i never wanted to hurt him in the first place it just feels wrong of me to, especially when his emotions were highest and he was rightfully angry, he never truly raised his tone, and still cares about me in some way despite his distrust, i cant be mad at a man like that over something that was my own doing. even tho everything still hurts rn and is confusing, i really appreciate how you're touched by me not trying to turn anything against him and loving him no less, sometimes i feel like the amount i love can be of detriment to me, because i may care *too* much in some times in the past especially that got me hurt, or caring so much that i hurt him has been actually physically straining my heart. but i cant give up love, even if i have to let the one i love go

its hard, especially going back and forth between some online contact, then him disconnecting it again it seems, then coming back to me in VR, it feels like im on a coaster of emotions i cant get off of, because i dont want to be the one to stop the ride and completely lose him, even if he continues to say any serious relationship is over the next morning. it just makes it even harder, i dont want to lose him but i dont want to keep overthinking and crying all the time, but i was the same when we had no contact for a bit either..... so i dont know what's really going on now

its hard when i love him so much too, and a few nights of no sleep and jealousy ended up leading me talking to a few new people, and one of them he's actually really nice and wasnt expecting that to happen from my attempts to self sabotage and just being impulsive, so now i feel stuck all up in that too and i feel like im losing my mind, idk how to deal with all this my brain and body just acts and i deal with the consequences of my thoughts later alone when i have nobody paying attention to me, my ex isnt gonna come back im sure.... but its all so fucking confusing still, love and coping is so hard

the only thing thats kept me breathing this far has been love tho..

 

[wannabeangel]

waiting to see who is gonna interact with me next and/or again on a daily basis is exhausting when i dont wanna hurt anyone... im honestly tired of thinking, i cant die and i cant catch a break, just gonna let myself regress to cope and cling to U for now as my ex husband keeps... i dunno what he's doing but i dont wanna think anymore just be comforted and told what to do by someone older. what other escape do i have rn, i cant peacefully die, i cant keep thinking, im just gonna pretend i cant and dont have to understand anything before i start slitting my own skin open again from not being able to make anything stop. just gonna get high and braindead and watch shows i watched as a kid. i barely slept so i want something soothing....

 

[wannabeangel]

what my ex husband said last night has thrown me into a loop, i cant tell if it was just an in the moment feeling or he actually kind of wants me back, and how he loves how obsessive i am over him..... but after so long of telling me to let go? and after i got myself caught up in the mess i am in now? and how am i supposed to trust he wont change his mind again...? i love him so much..... but why say this as soon as my brain begins to accept it wont be the same again..... why put me back into the cycle on repeat when i have already made actions that will make getting back together even harder let alone how hard it would be even if i didn't speak to anybody..... what the fuck am i supposed to do and what is even going on??? im so lost..... whats the point of anything anymore......

 

[wannabeangel]

need to sleep but wanna vent first..... hate feeling like im stuck sround guys i gave attention while struggling on top of my ex trying to meet in vr again and it was okay until my quest died and i had a crashout lowkey, then while not being able to sleep my first guy friend i made after my divorce kept me up and keeps saying how he loves me and tells me to tell him how i love him so i just feelpressured and idk how to escape that.... the one guy atp that makes me feel the most comfy is U... W is a good friend too but not as safe feeling, but will give me drugs soooooo fuck ugh. i dont know how to cut ppl off without feeling mean.....

i keep wanting to die then stuff my mom says or shows makes me feel too bad to, but god it would be such a easy good ticket out of EVERYTHING i just cant catch a break so i would rather catch the bus. one day maybe i wont be such a pussy and just get it over with somehow

 

[wannabeangel]

i wish i felt like i was truly in control of my life and actions, and not navigating around trying not to make people sad or disappointed or hurt, while i am struggling to figure out any action to make with my life, and don't know how to turn someone down i started interacting with first, i have to figure out excuses to save hearts, it makes me feel wrong and manipulative but all i really wanna do is not hurt people while doing whatever i have to do....

 

[wannabeangel]

my ex husband snapped at me over text for not being able to get on vr for one night because i keep having headaches and its not my fault he fell asleep the night before..... woke up stressed about it so bad.. been kinda making excuses to talk less to the first friend i made after all this, because i like him as a friend but dont think a relationship would work.... but U connects to me personally on so many fucking levels idc about an i think 11yr age gap, 23 & 35 imo isnt bad if y'all actually link, and he just keeps turning out to be even better day by day so ughhdfkskdngdngl ITS SO HARDDDDD i want my ex happy but im also trying to let go because i know i fucked up to the point of no return and HE TOLD ME TO LET GO but he keeps making this even harder on me and its so hard to say no to him cuz i care.... but it keeps not helping anybody...... i feel bad leaving my first new friend/situationship ig that turned to a lil dating questions but to me was never serious genuinely, cuz he is making it hard too msging me a ton and talking about me moving in with him eventually, but i dont really want that, not when it was first brought up tbh and especially not now. i dont wanna hurt anybody tho so fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

distracted myself with some SN research today and talked a ton to U thats pretty much it

 

[wannabeangel]

im tired of getting stressed out by things it just makes me want to die even more, and feeling myself get sicker for a week driving me insane ended up being just my period being stupid and its good to know there's a reason but makes me just wanna kms i always get extra suicidal before and during my period and it's so stupid.

my ex has been stressing me out too he unadded me on vrchat during breaking down and kinda snapping at me then added me again and even tho i was nauseous and feeling like shit because he was panicking after are talk and i did what i could until my vr died. but he keeps talking about how he is still conflicted on if he should stay or fully go and it just makes me a mess after i keep trying to let go for him like he asked of me SO MUCH and then its like trying to is wrong and he keeps giving me mixed signals as soon as i finally accept it wont work out again shit happens and its gonna be the end of me if it doesnt stop..... i just want the pain to end, all the pain

still struggling with shit with my guy friends because i need to get my first friend that i wasnt truly planning to be serious with is still talking about me moving in and its stressing me out when i really like U and not him, he's too normal doesnt click with me like U does

i was typing this and got distracted, my ex husband wanted vr and i cant say no to him.... but i just feel like shit..... i just want the pain to end, all pain to end.

i cant sleep, so i think i might play vr until i pass out

 

[wannabeangel]

been up for over uhhh 48h at least now, could my sleep meds FUCKING WORK instead of keeping me up feeling guilty and the moment i do pass out i wake up the same if not worse. im tempted to just eat a few kinpins but im trying to stock up on CTB materials, even while part of me feels so guilty to die still, and a smaller part wondering if it's really my only choice, but its either exist in pain or don't exist at all

im supposed to be trying to sleep but im too worried about my ex husband because he gets so sad and upfor me needing to sleep or in pain or sick so i cant VR and i just ugh i try so haed but i cant handle the stress, my sleep issues alone make me wanna down all my pills and hope i never wake up. i still need

• SN ofc, will buy this asap so i have it tbh even if my plan is later
• got 2.5-3mg/10mg i need of klonipin (at least) been just skipping the two split .5 tablets and stocking them up
• 24mg ondansetron since i hate meto (have plenty zofran i believe, liquid and sublingual, not sure how much is with my ex tho. got weed for nausea as well
• 800-1000mg pregabalin (have a script, working on upping from 50mg to 100mg. 300-400 gets me pretty wonky and good 600mg made me fall asleep, 800-1000 should be plenty)
• anti-acids i have plenty for GERD and my body being bs
• still want to take it in my feeding tube but idk if diluting it for your intensities is anymore comfortable if not worse? gotta deep dive more
• painkillers, ik opioids aren't recommended, but i can't avoid them, and i can't be stressing about pain during my ritual to leave it all behind
• might stock amitriptline as it's a method too, but also sedating and a sleep medication used at lower doses, what i use it for
• DREAM WISH: ketamine ketamine ketamine and more ketamine oh to get to the edge of a k hole as i pass on sounds good. k makes my body so numb

i still have to plan timing, where i will do it (i wanna be come cozy and familiar, but i know my mom would be the one to find me in the morning and it would break her, i dont want that.... it feels like i can never do what i feel like is best overall for me, so i dont have to suffer as i can't just get high on meds for the test of my life for a few hour break. i still hate thinking about how others will hurt.... my parents, little brothers, maybe my friends especially closer ones, my ex husband, and now C (that's U but i feel like using C now, C IS U GUY, CLARIFYING CLEARLY for myself reading badk tbh lol) as we've gotten close lately, the fuck buddy/situationship/date guy i have im too awkward with and been so overwhelmed the last few days i have been ghosting him, i'll say something eventually:.:.:.....

i keep making people get close to me and ir feels wrong with how badly i wanna die, i dont wanna hurt anyone anymore, and i dont wanna be hurting anyone, im so tired

im getting a bit sleepy, i hope i never opwn my eyes again so i dont have to be reminded of hell

 

[wannabeangel]

i was able to actually sleep omfg, i just wish i didnt wake up, im sick of waking up. im still trying to slowly back off the one guy i met in VR, and i am stressed thinking about my ex texting me again, and im stressed over how badly i want to die still even tho C has been making me feel nice.. im still stockpiling my kpins, 4.5mg saved so far, im out tho as well as my other shit that should be refilled soon. i wish i had money to buy SN, i just wanna have it already, my crippled ass has no income tho.... maybe i can manage art comissions, cant use my drawing tablet but maybe i can do simple things on my phone, but i lost my pen for phone drawings after i moved. it's like i'll never be able to do anything... idk if ppl want pics of traditional drawings, maybe.. idrk i just want to have a way out. seeing some failed experiences with SN kinda scared me tbh, seems like without timing benzos and stuff properly it can be painful, really need to plan it all properly.. dunno how fast it'll kill me either i dont wanna be found too soon. but i also wanna be home and comfy but i also dont want my family to find me so it's hard. not like i have anywhere else to do it tho. i need to time when people wake up and stuff, or maybe even during the day when siblings are at school and my mom's bf doesnt check in on me much, but night is still prob safer you never know

my ex husband did end up texting me slightly, asking if im mad at him and that he doesnt wanna vent and make me feel bad or like he's guilt tripping me, told him im not mad and that he didnt have to feel guity its okay... he just left me on read..

i dont know what im gonna do with myself tonight, maybe just edit my AAC buttons more, daydream about death, wish i had money even more, think about death more, look at pinterest, listen to music and hopefully sleep. the lack of sleep tempts me to eat my kpin stash, but i dont wanna waste them. i wish i could feel okay tho, i hate myself and my body and my mind, i dont understand anybody who likes me

 

[wannabeangel]

my ex texted me again after leaving me on read for quite a while..... i want to be able to sleep tho i can reply in the morning.. ik what he's gonna ask for and i dont have the emotional nor physical energy to do it.. and i need to not let my mind start to learn sleep = bad = guilt because i cant be there every single night.. especially when we wont actually get back together..... he says it over and over and over, i wanna be there for him tho but fuck..

i understand the girls who say to date older now tho, been treated the best so far (since the divorce at least) by someone 11yrs older than me lol, didnt think that would happen, he bought me a game for my switch too that's been a good distraction, and everything he says is just too good.... makes me feel guilty in many ways, the part of me stuck in the past that just wants to cling onto my ex husband, the part that just wants to die to end all pain, the part that says im trying to move on too fast now myself while my ex is trying to come back, and other guilt i cant put to words.

i wish i could either be normal or dead, i know the afterlife is a better place than this body and species i am forced to call myself

 

[tomame]

i keep watching suicide vids, the SN ones scared me all besides one that actually looked quite peaceful, i think he was a member here because the details in the post match an old goodbye thread where people mentioned the livestream with the same description of events. he did it properly mixing it with a lot of benzos so he passed out quite fast vs others i saw looked like they were choking and hurting a lot more. that scared me, i really want a painless way to go.

i watched vids of other methods too, i try to avoid gun ones tho because i get reminded of my worst fear i had for years about my ex husband, i feared it before we even started dating and before we started talking to each other again. honestly the thought of it helps me not ctb right away, because i fear him doing the same because im a hypocrite :( i want the best for him always tho, and i know he can and will get that, even if i cant be in his life for it

where do you watch them? i wanna see

 

[wannabeangel]

where do you watch them? i wanna see

gore sites like watchpeopledie, but other gore sites have them as well. just search it on duckduckgo as google censors it

 

[wannabeangel]

not my ex husband msging me after reading my vent from this morning i wrote in the document he gave me saying he's worried about me, when i literally censored me saying wanting to kill myself, think i mentioned it less srsly tho in a rant before or after that timestamp tho. told him he doesnt have to worry, like i tell everyone not to worry, wonder if one day he will see through me tho. i doubt it, doubt he will find any of this either, i dont think that much effort would be wasted on me now. i just hate feeling like this and existing and feeling like my relationship is only good for intimacy without actually being close anymore because i broke it apart. him just hating me would be slightly easier at this point..... but i would also wanna die more over that.

i fell asleep and woke up early today (well yesterday now) at least, which made my energy a bit better but still kinda a mess in my brain and C has been my only distraction.. as soon as im alone tho everything hurts, and i just daydream about leaving everything behind. i try to think of better things but thats hard when i keep also not fully trusting myself to get close to anyone

he texted me again during me typing this, saying how he hates being lonely and lost and going to sleep alone....i hate it too and didnt want any of this either, i had no chance to even attempt to repair anything, things fell apart on the 4th and were too far away to mend by the 6th, now it's been 3 months and 3 days and we're both just stuck in this pain it seems... i tell him it will get better, because i actually have hope in him and his life that it will actually get better for him. i cant say the same for myself with honesty, when i tell myself that it's cope, but with him i believe it truly. i told him my vr is dead because my mom moved and unplugged it, said he wouldnt sleep until it's charged i had to tell him he cant deprive himself he needs to try and sleep just like how i try my best to sleep at night despite hating being alone and lost, those feelings just get worse with less sleep tho.. i feel guilty enough he has to feel this way in the first place if he doesnt sleep trying to wait for me im just gonna feel even more guilt..... i can tell he's still up even tho its 1:44am now, he still has me as a friend on his switch and is playing the new tomodachi life, might play it myself some more. i just took some extra kpins to help me sleep, took i think 20mg ambien? 2mg kpins and the rest of my muscle relaxers.

2:00am now damn i havent been tracking the timelines for thing how i usually do, feeling wonky and kinda nauseous maybe i add on to this later

 

[wannabeangel]

opening up to my ex even a little about wanting to CTB and saying its his fault and im suicidal each time we talk again when i have been feeling the same daily if he does or doesnt talk to me, then just says he hates himself which just makes me wanna end it all even more, i dont wanna exist in this pain and causing him and anyone else pain. it starts to get to a point where the pain and stress i will cause with my death will be less than if i continue living. i sadly have nothing to end it yet besides hanging, which i would rather not. i keep getting ads for SN on my laptop as well LOL teasing me while i have no money. people are lucky im broke and too scared to hang unless as backup, but im probably gonna research it more atp. i just want all the pain to end

 

[squiddedoutt]

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[wannabeangel]

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thank you <3 i wish we both werent hurting so much, its exhausting to be in this much emotional pain on top of everything, and i hate that he has to suffer with it too. im sick of all the pain and suffering i deal with and that follows me to hurt others i care about. physical pain has been a bit better at least, but not completely. its more tolerable at least now that the weather is clearing up again




im just gonna keep rambling under this as i wanted to journal but ik its gonna merge my two posts if i send it too soon anyways so i guess i'll ramble now lol

its 5am (as i started writing this, passed out before posting lol) and i keep not sleeping right since yesterday, and i keep isolating myself from everyone i talk to besides C because he's been a true comfort lately, idk how someone 11 years older syncs with me and things i like and communicates in ways i havent been able to not even with my ex fully, which comforts me then hurts because i still love my ex husband a lot but then i realize shit i didnt know i was missing, but i feel guilty for thinking that way. i feel guilty about not being fully open with my mental state lately with C, especially after semi-ghosting my other guy friend who i did open up a ton to, i feel like that made him attach to me more somehow and i regret it. i dont get why the people i want to forget about me never stop texting, and those i miss disappear

i keep wanting to research SN and which of my meds will work best with it, and i keep stockpiling my clonazepam to save, got 8.5mg saved up so far i plan on using 10mg (i keep seeing quite low doses recommended and i feel like, for good and faster sedation, higher doses of at least 6mg as 5-6mg will knock my ass out the best) might look into other dosing. i have been on kpins for years and have a natural high tolerance to most sedating meds. after that i will have to stockpile 1000mg pregabalin, which will be easier when i up my dose from 50mg to 100mg pills soon. its gonna be hard to resist dipping into the pregabs tbh lol they feel so nice, but i want at least 600mg still saved if i ever dip into my CTB stash. once i have my own spending money again, i'll buy SN and finally have the main thing i need. its gonna feel so strange finally getting it. im still uncertain of my fate a bit, but i need a way out at hand if the time becomes right and i dont wanna go thru with hanging, but thats my backup. i'll have to put a pillowcase over my head so no one sees my face afterwards. with SN i will do my makeup and paint my nails to cover up some of the physical changes from it

part of me wants to live in hopes i find something good to live for, but as soon as memories of time with my ex cross my mind vividly i wish i wasnt breathing so i didnt feel the pain of living with the aftermath of it all falling apart. good memories haunt me now and just hurt because im reminded of what i ruined selfishly. then again, anything i do for myself feels selfish, so i dont get why i care so much anymore, i wish i could stop caring. if i just didnt care so fucking much i wouldnt be like this

i wonder if i'll ever escape this feeling of wanting to die, i dont think i will atp, it's been this way for years. my ex gave me hope of a future but i ruined that, so im just stuck feeling lost again. maybe i could find that hope again with someone else, but i feel guilty when i feel nice with someone new, and everyone new im currently talking to i feel too guilty about because i still plan to just end my life eventually, and i hate making people care about me to only just hurt when im gone. i wish i could just get people to hate me, but i dont want to hurt anyone while im living either so im just stuck. im always stuck existing for the sake of others, i wish it didnt have to be that way, i wish they could just understand and be happy im not in pain anymore

finding more songs for my suicide related vent playlist and found one named after me hahaha


today so far i have just been lazy, playing video games or doom scrolling cuz its the best i can do, i just keep bouncing between the new tomodachi life and fuckin hamster hunter lol two very different games. might play minecraft too but not sure, idk what i wanna do first, all i have is distractions, otherwise im just laying in bed doing nothing

 

[wannabeangel]

even tho my ex didnt block me again yet he hasnt been talking to me since i was open about wanting to die and just trying to make it thru every day, which just kinda makes me feel worse... it's probably because i keep not being able to get in VR with him. does he only want me when himself is lonely? is that what this is now..? was i ever the real choice but the one he was just afraid of letting go because i stayed, up until i did enough for him to kick me out.. i dont know anything anymore honestly, i wish i can numb my brain out so i didnt have to think about not knowing

i just want the pain to be over with already, or at least have the way out on me, so i can end the pain when i am ready to. its all i think about unless i have somebody actively distracting me, as soon as im alone im back to daydreaming about being dead. my head has been a mess, the view of the concept of myself is getting so fucking blurry again, i thought i was over this, didnt have to have these parts in my head anymore, but denial just makes barriers stronger and when shit happens i feel more unstable. i just wanna feel okay and not confused, and a big part of me thinks that will only happen once im dead

if i had money i would've bought SN already. well, if i had enough first ketamine and extra drugs for funsies, then SN. if i gotta stay breathing for a bit why not be high during it? i at least have 9.5mg of clonazepam stocked up for my CTB stash, just need .5 more which i think i already have in my med containers that were set up for me tonight/tomorrow so i'll actually consider that done. yup i do, got 10mg now! just need to stock up 1000mg pregabalin, and i think i have enough zofran already just laying around everywhere i dont have to worry about that. i wish i had my pregabalin back already :( i would feel better for a while

 

[wannabeangel]

i couldnt sleep at all last night, its almost 9am and i've just been up, i think im just gonna try to stay up. i keep distracting myself with suicide videos on WPD. i keep thinking about different methods, mainly an exit bag, should be more peaceful than SN, but SN is a lot easier to hide and get in the house, i have no idea how i'll get enough gas for that, i can get and hide SN in/from the mail easily but gas? that'll get questions i cant answer, hell i couldnt really explain the kind of SN im getting (doesnt say it's SN on the jar, it's for something else i dont really do) to my mom so i def couldnt get any sorta gas, plus idk how much more expensive it would even be

i keep thinking about my ex even tho i like how things are going with C, i feel like a piece of shit, but im also doing what my ex told me to do so idfk. lowkey mentioned being on this sorta site too talking to C, didnt name anything but said it was a space i could be mentally ill freely, told him i'll be good, i dont know how well i can do that tho.. maybe i will, but thats not stopping me from planning. hell even if i get out of this feeling and dont CTB i want a plan, something i know will work, so if i ever did need it i know it will be the real end. i wish people could just be happy i have a way to end my suffering, but sadly it doesnt work like that

i wish i had energy and less pain of all sorts, but it doesnt seem like life will give me that. im stuck here for now, but fuck i wish i wasnt

 

[apollon]

told my friend i would clean, i did clean slightly, but i feel too tired and sad today. i turned on the movie the last mimzy, its always been a comfort since childhood. i want to do more, i dont wanna disappoint my friend, but i disappoint most anyways. im crying watching the movie. it hits me hard...

i wish i could be there in the future, where humanity has blossomed, healed, not full of toxins and pollution that fill our minds and bodies, where the soul of our planet isnt sick anymore, people stopped being isolated and warlike, our world not needing to be frightened or dying anymore. people healthy, connected, loved.

but this world seems to be full of chaos, uncertainty, pain, anger, and hate, and the current state of society feeds and runs off of that. the worse we feel the more things they can sell us to distract us, "heal" us (not against meds in general but they are highly often misused by doctors, i may be biased from being overmedicated since 8-11yo), or numb us out, under the guise of entertainment, a quick fix, and how life is just supposed to be.

suffering, or struggling and hurting in general, has been normalized. and it seems to be expected to just go with that, because "thats what life is" and its "part of being an adult" when so many people are hardly getting by, surviving but not living. and everything else profits off of all the people trying to take a break and escape the stress, but the root problems have never been solved. society repeats the same mistakes. it's exhausting to both watch and live through.


to cope, been trying to make an emergency exit kit for myself, just a secret stash of everything i need to CTB. what sucks is for one method i would have to save up pills for like 6 months, idk where my old extras are. i'll get to 200 eventually, wish i had a stronger dose so its less pills but oh well, its going in my feeding tube anyways. still trying to figure out SN, thats been tricky trying to find a source, and im sure i wont get one here until it's been long enough and people trust me enough to share. i get being protective of it, i wouldnt want laws around it getting more strict either. im used to being patient, so waiting is natural to me. i cant be annoying and beg for it lol, im sure i can figure it out eventually

figured out how to password lock my files i save for it too as a test, glad it works, prob wont keep it locked for now tho it was just a test. i know i cant do anything too soon, i need to prepare a lot. make sure everything is ready when its the right moment.

i wish i would stop feeling so shitty right now, even tho its a bit late i'll take my rit again for that energy boost hopefully. i wanna feel comfy for one day

first letter is d and second letter is a use case for sn last letter is somewhere where'd they'd actually use this and you put the words together edit: oh shit haha just realized you figured it out gj bro

 

[wannabeangel]

first letter is diy and second letter is a use case for sn last letter is somewhere where'd they'd actually use this and you put the words together like dsl.com edit: oh shit haha just realized you figured it out gj bro

i've been trying to figure this out for ages now i havent found that site but found a different easier way thankfully lol, i still wish i could decode the hints for that site tho even if i dont exactly need it anymore cuz it makes me curious

 

[apollon]

i've been trying to figure this out for ages now i havent found that site but found a different easier way thankfully lol, i still wish i could decode the hints for that site tho even if i dont exactly need it anymore cuz it makes me curious

did you want me to give u hints or idk

 

[wannabeangel]

did you want me to give u hints or idk

nah its fine i already know where to get it elsewhere + went thru a lot of clues on this site already since i joined and couldnt figure it out fully (i may just be stupid ngl) but i appreciate it ty!

 

[wannabeangel]

my ex not looking at our google doc as often has been killing me, maybe its my fault for venting too much or spending a few days not writing anything like 4 because i was too depressed to write. maybe i just missed it, but it still makes me so anxious. he hasnt texted me in a few days now too and its the weekend so he COULD be off work but he could be on call too but idk i hate not knowing i hate everything i got myself into. i never wanted any of this over feeling so fucking guilty over money and doing what kid me was groomed into feeling like its my only worth i could give, as there's basically nothing else i can/could do atm. i wish he would send me another "hi......" so i know he didnt give up because i keep not being able to get in VR to help him sleep like he wants. im just a failure at everything. it would genuinely be easier if he harassed and emotionally abused me during the breakup for weeks like my ex gf did in 2022, spamming me for hours on end and making accounts to slander me because she was upset i finally broke up with her to escape her abuse, and she blamed it on the cult im in (ik cults sound bad but this is like just a eccentric kinda hippy woowoo group that calls itself a cult, they literally helped my mental health more than my ex gf ever did) because i went to a meetup for 3 days and assumed the worse like bitch you did NOT need to tell me to kms for hours and days and weeks shut the fuck up. but because she treated me like shit enough i couldnt get myself to feel heartbroken over it, i just started to hate her because she ruined my mental health from 2018-2022 i shoulnt have wasted so much time trying to help her when she was abusive since year 1. my ex husband was never bad to me, i cant hate him, and he didnt deserve how i hurt him at all and i fucking HATE MYSELF for it. i cant accept it, like i accept him leaving but i cant accept just living with my actions, i either have to suffer or die, and i've been doing decent at the suffering part mainly

im emotionally confused too because C has been really good to me lately too in ways i either didnt often have or didnt have at all with my ex husband but i feel so guilty thinking it, but i would be lying if i said i didnt like the treatment, he does make me feel pretty comfy... i still love my ex husband so much, but my hope is gone, i dont think i can repair our relationship and i dont think he is willing to give me another chance, and i think it's too late now anyways, the divorce is done and im back home states away.. the only thing connecting me to his home currently is my stuff i couldnt pack on my flight home, i was driven there with all my stuff i couldnt pack everything for the flight especially on such short notice, just a few days from the night it broke apart to the next day signing papers, and two(?) days after that im flying home, by myself for the first time. it felt like i was dying the entire time. barely slept and was sobbing basically every waking moment, when i got home that continued until i was exhausted. i've gotten better with crying after months, but the pain didnt ease up. C has been a comfort in recent times at least, i cant help but feel guilty even tho he was talking to other girls the same month it happened, and i got myself caught up with people only after long enough passed that i was jealous he was talking to other girls so soon so i said fuck it, ended up connecting the most with C, i feel guilty kinda backing off my VR friend i was messing with before him because he likes me but i dont think we click fully like that, at least not like how it is with C, and im anxious talking to him because idk how to talk about shit all he knows rn is im going through a hard time rn and socializing is hard, which is true, but ugh. i just wanna not be confused... i wish i wasnt in this entire mess to begin with, idk if this is the path im supposed to be on. at least i have someone who comforts me right tho... and C keeps highkey spoiling me, buying me things and giving me tastes of stuff i fantasized about in the past, so thats a huge plus besides him kinda being on a similar wavelength of autism lol so we click. BUT I STILL FEEL THIS OVERWHELMING GUILT THAT KEEPS KILLING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

and look at me getting ppl close to me when i wanted to do the opposite so i could die with as little people hurt by my CTB as possible, no dragging anyone else innocent into my mess, i wanted to push people away, but i ended up leaning into it. maybe i just only function somewhat when i have someone who cares for me that isnt just my parents, someone actually caring about all of me and doesnt feel like its an obligation. thats why i kinda opened up a ton to C about a lot of shit thats weird about me, both to see if it scares him off or he likes it, was planning to scare him off but he actually likes me and my oddities so that backfired positively? but still feeling extremely suicidal while talking to him and he's planning on buying me an uber and plane ticket to go across the country to see him, he's also friends with two of my twitter moots so i get to see them too which is fun, prob gonna get high with them heh, maybe my will to live might come back a bit that way, not sure, but maybe. i still want my way out on hand, i'll still buy SN and make my kit, that i need for at least comfort even if i dont or cant do it yet, i would rather have everything i need than have nothing when i REALLY need to just die, hanging is my last resort, and if hanging doesnt work maybe jumping. but SN or something better is the goal, and an altered SN protocol is the most acessable, just gotta save my pills and run to the right store for SN or just online, most likely will just order it online, i keep getting ads of jars of SN since i found it now so its not letting me forget

idk what im even doing anymore, i didnt sleep at all last night, im hoping i will tonight but sometimes i will be up 3 days straight, usually crash after at least midnight after the 2nd day. i should crash tn tho, but the way im starting to get that no-sleep energy burst that concerns me, hopefully i can sleep tho. otherwise fml. i might try to just sleep in VR, yeah sounds weird but i find it comfortable, plus in public worlds its kinda funny when ppl try to wake you up, i would rather wake up from a troll than for the 100th time the urge to sob because while half asleep i try to lean backwards to press up against my husband again without remembering he is my ex husband and im back in the bed i never wanted to be in again, until i lean back enough to feel nothing and it clicks and i jolt wide awake from heartbreak. like just put me down, my ex husband owns a gun sometimes i wish he got so angry with me that he shot me in the head, i wouldnt even be upset or fight it, i deserve it for fucking up so badly. but he's a good man who wouldnt do that, he barely raised his voice and the moments he did he toned it back right away, which just makes it hurt even more because why would i do such a stupid thing when i was with a man so good????? it makes no fuckking sense, im disgusted with myself and that isnt going away

i've just been rambling for god knows how long, i really need sleep, not sleeping makes me wanna die even more. i wonder if you sleep deprive yourself if it will help fight SI, y'know since its basically like being a bit intoxicated, especially the longer you are awake for. i doubt it's hardly practical to do that on purpose, but if someone had bad insomnia how much more likely is it for them to CTB hmmmmm okay im done rambling before i lose any sense of comprehendible thought

 

[wannabeangel]

took 4mg of clonazepam and 75mg benadryl to sleep + test and see if 4mg is enough to knock me out mixed with the benadryl, so i have a better idea of how many mg to take with SN whenever its time. i have 10mg left in my CBT kit container, i wish i had its own lockbox, im unsure if a jar of SN would fit in my current drug box. 3mg kpins and 75mg benadryl at 10:27pm, took one more mg of kpin at like 10:40-something cuz fuck it, its 10:52pm as of typing this and dont think i feel it yet, could take up to an hour to work. might just edit this with notes until i pass out for the night. have a feeling im gonna go with 6+mg prob 10mg for actual CTB steps, and i have to time when i take the sn vs the benzos. both kpins and pregabalin takes about an hour to kick in, so maybe if i take SN 40-50min after taking benzos and shit. im curious if my belbuca i took earlier today will make it any stronger, i think its been long enough tho. im curious if its possible to OD on belbuca if in combo with stuff, not sure

11:03pm - getting a lil sleepier, easy to keep myself awake still even tho i havent slept for almost over 48h

11:34pm - getting more eeps eyes open n close keep snapping out of it lol gonna try to slrrp

11:46pm - suddenly more awake cuz i had to pee, hoping i csn pass out still i hate insomnia

11:55pm - fuck it 100mg more benadryl imm paranoid im gonna keep waking up too much, i wanna sleep. my SN dose needs to be a lot higher, i've been on kpins for years so im not surprised. 6mg in the past did me good, next time i stock up an excess 6mg i will experiment

 

[squiddedoutt]

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[wannabeangel]

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i hope you get to sleep well too, not sleeping suuuuuuucks :( don't get why my brain wont let me sleep normally, im jealous of anyone who can fall asleep quickly
i was able to pass out around 12-something AM after all my meds, i was woken up at 6:40-7am which sucked because my body is used to sleeping much longer. to me 10h of sleep is the goal, i feel my best after longer rest at least 9h. my family was being loud and waking up suddenly keeps triggering me, sometimes its not even thoughts just stabbed in the chest with emotions, and i understand them more after waking up a bit. still sucks as tho and then my mom gets all worried about me freaking out

i cant tell if im feeling the kpins at all still (prob not) or my cart is just hitting different, i need to relax after panicking so much. taking my belcuca so my body can feel better, wonder if i can get pretty high on it too but idk lol, i love mixing drugs like a dumbass so i can just take extra. i really want my brain to just relax and shut up

i love that plushie btw awwww

 

[wannabeangel]

every time i see just one guest viewing my thread part of my brain assumes its him, but i know it isnt because my ex husband would snitch on me to my mom, so its just me being paranoid, if it his him then i doubt it is tho, he wont follow my trail of crumbs that are too vague to understand. missing him hurts so much, and knowing i wont ever get him back breaks me even more

i cant tell if im still tired or just mildly high rn, talking more belbuca or whatever its called, think i only had one 300mcg tab earlier so taking another, i wanna feel better

im curious if i can OD on belbuca tbh, especially if i mixed it with my clonazepam, my doctor said not to take it with my kpins, but idk the sucess rate for that is. it's a strong opiate, tastes icky tho :p apparently ur not supposed to take over 900mcg but idk if that's the lethal dose

tired and dont know what to do with myself right now, i just look at suicide shit all day, what is my life? got no fucking clue

weather is nice today at least, maybe i step outside but i feel so tired, and i wanna shower and i cant waste spoons touching grass when i really need to wash my hair im gross. im always gross. my sibling just walked in and brought me my meds so i have ritalin again woooo its early enough still, i hope i can get shit done that i've been meaning to, maybe play some games so i get out of scrolling thru here all day, at least for a bit

 

[wannabeangel]

my family knows i sleep like shit, they've been trying to help me out. one of them (vague just in case lol) came in talking about phenobarbital and shit, saying to be careful with it and how its used in assisted suicides (had to keep a straight face) then now i have 3 30mg pills? they said they could help me get a prescription if it helps me sleep???? what???? i honestly dont know if i could get a prescription while googling it, but i am gonna manifest it at this point it feels like a sign. i dont have a lot so im gonna take one tonight, i wonder how it feels, i'll see tn i guess. idk the lethal amount of this stuff i forget the protocol, i hope i could get more tho

maybe i can sleep decently tonight, it's 11:53pm as of typing and just took one of the pills, pls knock me out tonight and not let me wake up from noise lol, gonna just relax, research and write until meds work and i sleep, daydream about wanting to kill myself some more too

i dont understand why i can feel so suicidal while i have some people treating me nice, and people have it worse than me. but i cant stop it, i need my way out even if i dont do it right away, let me have my safety net

i saw that my ex actually looked at the shared doc we have too, he didnt message me or anything, i keep telling myself he is either working or is over me, just something to not think of too much bad shit and there be a reason. my emotions are too much of a mess, and i keep feeling sick today too which is killing me inside. it should kill me outside too, i've been begging for it. i keep wishing i would die accidentally, then people dont have to have suicide in their minds, they will just think i was too physically ill and taken suddenly, not make my death about my mental health but me as a person, not just someone who lost to their mental demons. it's not just my mind against me, its my body and my brain in the neurological sense, trauma fucked me up for SURE but the root cause was being born broken, i cant fight my demons if i am made of them, they're in my joints and my connective tissue and the folds of my brain, gnawing with with needle like teeth from the inside out, how am i supposed to win against what has built me?

 

[wannabeangel]

okay pheno update, was told i was supposed to take all 3 pills by my parent not just one thats why i didn't fucking sleep get, i've been crying over struggling with sleep so much and thinking that this med doesn't work either and i cant even stockpile it in the future possibly. maybe i could just lie and say it works if it doesn't, save up enough pills for a method and bam im good! need to see how much i need tho.... not really a method i researched a ton of, gonna read the PPH as i wait for my other sleep med to work, which is also something you could CTB with lol

i just feel like an IDIOT for not taking the 90mg and just 30 because i was supposed to take all 3 but now im stuck crying most of the night. apparently there is a bottle of it in the house, dunno how much is in it. either need to stockpile what im given, steal a bit lil by lil, or swipe the whole thing. prob will stockpile. need to research all the drugs i have access to