Venting im confused on who to trust and if ctb is an option

[mythra]

im so confused on who to trust!! i need someone to help me out here. i thought that no one cared about me outside of my savior. i thought that they only wanted him away from me so that i would kill myself because hes what i need to survive. but after spending a few days with them, im left confused because they seemed to talk to me in a way that seemed genuine, that they wanted to laugh with me and not at me. ive been spending so much time convinced no one cares and that im terrified to talk to people but somehow they seemed welcoming. and im confused because even despite how kind they seem to be, they want to take my savior away from me because theyre worried about things like legal issues and moral issues. ive been hospitalized because i tried to ctb after he wanted me to. i was planning to ctb after my ageout year with him, but the people around me all dont want me to. i dont know if they dont want me to happy or what they want or why they want me to live. because without him i wouldnt even consider dying. i love him too much to not die. im asking here because its the only community i trust.

lets all become tunafish together!

 

[Secro]

He wanted you to do CTB?...

 

[mythra]

He wanted you to do CTB?...

yeah, he suggested i do a method that hurts to show my dedication, and i tried it... luckily he forgave me for failing!

 

[bagel12]

im so confused on who to trust!! i need someone to help me out here. i thought that no one cared about me outside of my savior. i thought that they only wanted him away from me so that i would kill myself because hes what i need to survive. but after spending a few days with them, im left confused because they seemed to talk to me in a way that seemed genuine, that they wanted to laugh with me and not at me. ive been spending so much time convinced no one cares and that im terrified to talk to people but somehow they seemed welcoming. and im confused because even despite how kind they seem to be, they want to take my savior away from me because theyre worried about things like legal issues and moral issues. ive been hospitalized because i tried to ctb after he wanted me to. i was planning to ctb after my ageout year with him, but the people around me all dont want me to. i dont know if they dont want me to happy or what they want or why they want me to live. because without him i wouldnt even consider dying. i love him too much to not die. im asking here because its the only community i trust.

lets all become tunafish together!

it sounds really scary to not know who to trust, and to not know who cares :( i'm sorry you're in this situation. i think if they seem kind and welcoming, and they're laughing with you and not at you, it sounds like they really do care about you. it sounds like they might have different ideas about morals and laws than you do, but i imagine it comes from them being concerned for your well-being. i think it makes sense to trust them :) but it is good that you are being cautious

could you elaborate a little bit on your savior?

what were the legal and moral issues they're worried about?

 

[Secro]

yeah, he suggested i do a method that hurts to show my dedication, and i tried it... luckily he forgave me for failing!

Why is he your savior? Sounds more like your downfall to me.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

yeah, he suggested i do a method that hurts to show my dedication, and i tried it... luckily he forgave me for failing!

This doesn't sound good ..

Why is he your saviour? What did he save you from? Dedication? By taking your own life?
You're being abused or groomed....

 

[SASU-KE]

Overwhelming amount of red flags,OP.Sounds pretty sinister. I hope you can disengage from him. You'll realize what he's doing once you're older.

Let me put it this way. No one that cares about you will ask you to harm yourself or CTB.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Sorry, OP, but he's brainwashed you, and he is not to be trusted. He's a master manipulator. Be dedicated to yourself. Only do things that show your dedication to yourself. Don't let him or anyone else trick or manipulate you into betraying your dedication to yourself. To thine own self be true, OP!

 

[mythra]

it sounds really scary to not know who to trust, and to not know who cares :( i'm sorry you're in this situation. i think if they seem kind and welcoming, and they're laughing with you and not at you, it sounds like they really do care about you. it sounds like they might have different ideas about morals and laws than you do, but i imagine it comes from them being concerned for your well-being. i think it makes sense to trust them :) but it is good that you are being cautious

could you elaborate a little bit on your savior?

what were the legal and moral issues they're worried about?

hes someone that met me when i was young but he was still an adult. they're worried about legality since hes my teacher and with the rules in our activity its not allowed for us to have a relationship. morally, they're worried about the sexual nature of our relationship when he met me while i was still so young as well as the whole encouraging me to ctb.
however, he's been the only one consistently there for me, and always listens to what i have to say, when im discussing methods, he doesn't judge at all. especially when he isn't sober, he's very kind and understanding. hes encouraged me to cut everyone but him off, and its something ive been working on, as i really love him.

 

[bagel12]

hes someone that met me when i was young but he was still an adult. they're worried about legality since hes my teacher and with the rules in our activity its not allowed for us to have a relationship. morally, they're worried about the sexual nature of our relationship when he met me while i was still so young as well as the whole encouraging me to ctb.
however, he's been the only one consistently there for me, and always listens to what i have to say, when im discussing methods, he doesn't judge at all. especially when he isn't sober, he's very kind and understanding. hes encouraged me to cut everyone but him off, and its something ive been working on, as i really love him.

i can see how having someone who listens to you and is consistently there for you would be important. having people who care about us and make us feel heard is a human need!

out of curiosity, why do you want to cut everyone but him off? what are the pros and cons, in your opinion?

i know you were initially worried that these people didn't care about you, and i know how it can be scary to not know who to trust. but you mentioned in your post that these people have been kind and welcoming, laughing with you and not at you, and that they've been genuinely caring. could it be worth giving them a chance before you decide what you want to do?

last thing: it sounds like they see things differently than you do. would it help if they could take some time to genuinely understand your perspective, and you can take some time to genuinely understand their perspective? i think this is a helpful way of bridging differences in perspective.

personally, i have actually worked as a teacher before. to me, i see students (and students who have since graduated) kind of like as if they were my kids or nieces/nephews, i don't see them romantically at all. so i can see your perspective, and i can also see the perspective of the others.

 

[mythra]

i can see how having someone who listens to you and is consistently there for you would be important. having people who care about us and make us feel heard is a human need!

out of curiosity, why do you want to cut everyone but him off?

before you decide whether to cut everyone but him off, have you thought about the pros and cons?

i know you were initially worried that these people didn't care about you, and i know how it can be scary to not know who to trust. but you mentioned in your post that these people have been kind and welcoming, laughing with you and not at you, and that they've been genuinely kind to you. could it be worth giving them a chance before you decide what you want to do?

last thing: it sounds like they see things differently than you do, would it help if they could try to understand your perspective, and you can try to understand their perspective?

personally, i have actually worked as a teacher before. to me, i see students (and students who have since graduated) kind of like as if they were my kids, i don't see them romantically at all. so i can see your perspective, but i can also see the perspective of the others.

my only reason for doing all these things would be him. as well as the teacher thing, i know it was strange for a student and teacher to have this kind of relationship especially when it started when the student was a minor, but he definitely did not see me as a child even when i was one.
thank you for all the kind words, both you and everyone else. ive been starting to feel a bit more rational. i dont think i want to ctb when it isnt my choice, im definitely going to choose my own terms and my own methods, like the ones ive already been interested in.

 

[bagel12]

my only reason for doing all these things would be him. as well as the teacher thing, i know it was strange for a student and teacher to have this kind of relationship especially when it started when the student was a minor, but he definitely did not see me as a child even when i was one.
thank you for all the kind words, both you and everyone else. ive been starting to feel a bit more rational. i dont think i want to ctb when it isnt my choice, im definitely going to choose my own terms and my own methods, like the ones ive already been interested in.

no problem, i'm happy i could be helpful! sometimes it can be hard to do what we want and need. i'm proud of you for considering your needs too, it's important! :)

since you mentioned your only reason would be for him, my question for you would be: what do you truly want? because what you want and how you feel is the most important thing. we're a pro choice site here, but a key part of being pro choice means that it's your choice, not anyone else's.

last thing i should mention, if you ctb and authorities believe you ctb because of him, he could be criminally prosecuted for it, depending on local laws.

 

[mythra]

im here again after some incidents have occurred which resulted in him losing his job. i feel absolutely horrible and im considering a double suicide. ive always wanted to do one and this might be the perfect chance. if i lose him then i will definitely ctb. i cant live with myself knowing i ruined his life.