Venting i realized im a horrible person

[sodalover]

i tried hanging out with people today and i just kept thinking about how fucking exhausting i am like i could SEE it
maybe i couldnt. maybe im making it up. i dont fucking know. but i could feel it. i was sitting there with people i actually care about and all i could think was god they probably wish i wasnt here and then i started thinking about how stupid that is because they invited me?? they wanted me there?? so why do i do this every time. why cant i just fucking enjoy being around people without analyzing every little thing they do
im a mood sucker. thats what i am. i dont know how else to explain it. i walk into a room and everything feels heavier. i start talking and suddenly everyone has to deal with whatever the fuck is wrong with me. i dont even have to say anything sometimes. just being there is enough apparentlyihate being like this so much and i keep thinking maybe everyone wouldve been better off if i just CTB a long time ago. not because i hate them. literally the opposite. i love them. thats the problem. i love people and then i ruin their lives by making them care about meand dont tell me "youre not ruining anyone's life" because you dont know me. you dont know what its like to actually be around me. you dont see what i see. you dont hear every stupid fucking thing i say and then replay it for hours afterward

every stupid joke every weird response every time i talked too much every time i went quiet every time somebody asked me if i was okay and i said no when i shouldve just shut up and said yes because i always need osmething. reassurance. attention. someone to tell me they arent mad. someone to tell me they still care. and then the second they do it i feel guilty because now ive made them spend their time making me feel better

what the fuck is wrong with me?????


i broke up with my groomer five months ago too and i dont even know why im bringing that up but maybe its relevant i guess. we met when i was 14. fourteen. i was fourteen and he was 17 and i stayed with him for four fucking years thinking that was what love was supposed to be
i dont even know what im supposed to feel about that anymore. sometimes im angry and sometimes im embarrassed and sometimes i just feel stupid. mostly stupid. how did i not know. how did nobody know. how did i spend that long thinking everything was normal

then i started talking to someone else two months later because apparently being alone with myself was unbearable and that ended too. mutually. thats what were calling it. mutually. i dont even know. it was probably better for them anyway its always better for people when they leave me thats what i keep coming back toand tbh i dont know why i keep pretending otherwise i love my friends and i dont want to lose them but at the same time i keep thinking maybe losing them would be better for them

everything i do is selfish somehow
if i talk im annoying if i dont talk im making people worry if i ask for help im a burden if i dont ask for help then im shutting people out if i stay then im draining them if i leave then im hurting them
i want to stop needing people so fucking badly i want to be normal i want to be someone people can actually enjoy being around without having to recover afterward

 

[Pvnie]

You seem to have more social leeway than me. People laugh at me and I'm a social punching bag and they keep me around because they find me entertaining. As long as they have weed it's all cool though. I've begun to not even try to be normal and I just fucking do shit. Because I see all these other people do weird shit and have weird interest and hobbies and they get no shame for it, not to sound like an incel or anything but due to lookism yk yk.