Venting i realized im a horrible person

[sodalover]

i tried hanging out with people today and i just kept thinking about how fucking exhausting i am like i could SEE it
maybe i couldnt. maybe im making it up. i dont fucking know. but i could feel it. i was sitting there with people i actually care about and all i could think was god they probably wish i wasnt here and then i started thinking about how stupid that is because they invited me?? they wanted me there?? so why do i do this every time. why cant i just fucking enjoy being around people without analyzing every little thing they do
im a mood sucker. thats what i am. i dont know how else to explain it. i walk into a room and everything feels heavier. i start talking and suddenly everyone has to deal with whatever the fuck is wrong with me. i dont even have to say anything sometimes. just being there is enough apparentlyihate being like this so much and i keep thinking maybe everyone wouldve been better off if i just CTB a long time ago. not because i hate them. literally the opposite. i love them. thats the problem. i love people and then i ruin their lives by making them care about meand dont tell me "youre not ruining anyone's life" because you dont know me. you dont know what its like to actually be around me. you dont see what i see. you dont hear every stupid fucking thing i say and then replay it for hours afterward

every stupid joke every weird response every time i talked too much every time i went quiet every time somebody asked me if i was okay and i said no when i shouldve just shut up and said yes because i always need osmething. reassurance. attention. someone to tell me they arent mad. someone to tell me they still care. and then the second they do it i feel guilty because now ive made them spend their time making me feel better

what the fuck is wrong with me?????


i broke up with my groomer five months ago too and i dont even know why im bringing that up but maybe its relevant i guess. we met when i was 14. fourteen. i was fourteen and he was 17 and i stayed with him for four fucking years thinking that was what love was supposed to be
i dont even know what im supposed to feel about that anymore. sometimes im angry and sometimes im embarrassed and sometimes i just feel stupid. mostly stupid. how did i not know. how did nobody know. how did i spend that long thinking everything was normal

then i started talking to someone else two months later because apparently being alone with myself was unbearable and that ended too. mutually. thats what were calling it. mutually. i dont even know. it was probably better for them anyway its always better for people when they leave me thats what i keep coming back toand tbh i dont know why i keep pretending otherwise i love my friends and i dont want to lose them but at the same time i keep thinking maybe losing them would be better for them

everything i do is selfish somehow
if i talk im annoying if i dont talk im making people worry if i ask for help im a burden if i dont ask for help then im shutting people out if i stay then im draining them if i leave then im hurting them
i want to stop needing people so fucking badly i want to be normal i want to be someone people can actually enjoy being around without having to recover afterward

 

[Pvnie]

You seem to have more social leeway than me. People laugh at me and I'm a social punching bag and they keep me around because they find me entertaining. As long as they have weed it's all cool though. I've begun to not even try to be normal and I just fucking do shit. Because I see all these other people do weird shit and have weird interest and hobbies and they get no shame for it, not to sound like an incel or anything but due to lookism yk yk.

 

[dissociatedmess]

That sounds really difficult. I relate a lot, generally about feeling like people just have to put up with me in whatever social setting we're in. The rumination of events over and over. Knowing that people would just be better if I weren't friends with them etc, like I'm protecting them somehow if I'm not around.

I think it's just important to try to analyze where it all came from, because these feelings don't just happen to people without a reason. A lot of it tends to stem from trauma.


"Everything I do is selfish somehow"

It's such an ultimate, right? The way you talk about it makes it sound like you're a cornered animal with no way out because it doesn't feel like there is anywhere safe to turn to, to be yourself.

"I want to stop needing people so badly."

Another thing I relate to. When we grow up being taught our needs cannot or should not be met, it complicates our own relationship to ourselves. Humans have needs, and that's inescapable. A way to try to escape the inescapable, emotionally, is to shut it down - to try and force those needs away. I think people forget that food, shelter, and water are equal to the need of community and support. Having other people is a part of our survival, so it is a real threat when we don't. It just sounds like your brain is reeling from the fear of not being able to obtain a real valid need. The frustration of it is so terrible, and I feel it all the time. The "why can't I just shut the fuck up, what's wrong with me, why did I say that, everyone's so fucking sick of me," etc.

In general, someone's simple existence is not a burden. The way I've tried to frame it is that it would actually be really strange if everyone's reaction to my being in the room was disdain and disgust, especially if they don't even know who I am. Peoples' automatic process is not to hate me off the bat. More often than not, it's persecutory voices that are replaying traumatic events/relationships and keeping me stuck in a mindset, or in a time that is no longer happening. I try to make sure I'm nice, I try my best to give others space to talk, and my intentions are not nefarious, so if someone consistently thinks I'm a nightmare to be around, then we're just not a match. I still lash out at myself internally when little things go wrong, but I think over time it's gotten easier or less.

Obviously I know nothing about you, I don't know your childhood, but this article helped me immensely and maybe something in it will speak to you too.

The Truth About Self-Hatred

The true origins of self-hatred are sadder than you may think. But it is possible to move from self-hatred to self-compassion.

www.psychologytoday.com

I think there have been a few points too with the persecutory voice where I was like, "Ok, and?" because there's nothing I can do to make it stop berating me. So I just accept that voice thinks I suck and it's kind of a weird form of radical acceptance idk. That voice is trying to protect me, because it learned needing things was dangerous, so trying to stop it would help me, but it's an endless loop. So sometimes it's a "Sure, Jan," and I go do the social thing anyway.

ALSO I did not know I was autistic for way too long. I'm not saying you are, but for me I was constantly confused why I always felt like the alien in the room socially because everyone else was doing it so naturally, and it felt like strenuous effort for me, trying to figuring out which dialogue options to pick, and not processing things fast enough to stay relevant in conversations. I worried incessantly about my posture, the way I said words, what I spoke about, how I responded, eye contact, etc. I couldn't be around my friends without drinking because a couple of drinks made me feel like a normal fucking person (not endorsing alcoholism, it's bad folks).

This might be stupid advice, but it could help to write down anything nice your friends have said about/to you. If a lot of this is happening internally, and they aren't responding as negatively as your brain is, it might also be good to write down whether or not they had such a negative reaction.
Like, "When I said _____ I knew so-and-so was so annoyed/angry at me, but they did not actually say anything/react angrily."
It's important to know when your brain might be playing tricks on you.

I'm genuinely not sure if anything I've said here will be of any use; like I said, I do not know you and I won't pretend to. But just know you're not alone in those feelings. I have them all the time, and it sucks. I try to push those needs away, too. I feel that frustration of being unable to, and I wouldn't wish that hell on anyone.
Much love to you.