Venting sad

[gonesoon!]

im at a loss. i leave my house around once a week. although sometimes i stay here for a month maybe. its been like that for 6 years. i dont feel like a person. i feel like im watching myself move my hands around. i think its called de realization. not that it matters. i told my therapist "i am not a person". she said "what would you do if you were a person"? she doesnt even try to argue with me. i wont get help from anyone. even if i beg and cry for it. it doesnt exist. i dont even want help anymore. i want to die.

i have nothing left to give. its all my fault. im not blaming anyone. i never fought back. i barely lived my life. i might as well not exist. i did everything i could. years ago i begged doctors for help. 10 years ago. ive stayed at the hospital multiple times. i dont even want to talk about the disgusting hospitals. i went to rehab for 2 months. i tried many different medications. i know that nothing is going to fix this. only one thing can fix this. i just cant get the courage to do it. i failed once when i was 18. everyone knew and it messed with me bad. i cant fail again. im scared to even try. i need help in getting the courage to leave this mess. at this point im hurting my family by dragging this on. im genuinely desperate. i cant even cry.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

For some of us, the only real help we can get is to escape from this life and not exist anymore. I wish euthanasia could be legal and freely available everywhere, because if it was, I would get it for myself. I'm sorry you're suffering as much as you are and I wish I knew what to suggest to help.